Coral’s Healing Room at 505-269-9242 I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

We will float…

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I am not going to lie…the struggle is real this morning. I held the tears below the lump in my throat all day yesterday. This morning I felt the dam breaking and I tried to hurry down the driveway before I collapsed in heart wrenching exhaustion. I was wailing. The tears were squirting out of my eyes…no longer falling down my cheeks. The dam fucking broke and I could not contain the pain. The dam broke and I could not, if my life had depended upon it, have stopped the flood of tears. I could not catch my breath and I had to medicate for a bit before I could even meditate. I felt it coming on like a fucking tsunami…I was about to fucking crack. I lit the fire and paced around a bit. Tears still shooting out and my hands shaking. I knew I would not let this take me down. I knew that I could pause and breathe and make a different choice. I will make a different choice. I prayed for the wisdom this morning in my meditation with Rumi to guide me. My prayer was answered. I know what I must do. My heart broke again. My shooting tears, gently fell down my cheeks. I sobbed. My hands could not contain the tears. I sobbed some more and let them go, dripping onto my shirt. These tears shall wash away that which no longer serves my highest good…that which no longer serves your highest good. These tears…my tears, for us all. I cry them after over forty years of holding them in. I have been crying non-stop since October of 2015. I have been crying inside since I was conceived of. I wash it away…all of it away, for all of us. This flood is our salvation. This flood shall wash us clean. We must not sit here any longer and drown. We must swim. We must swim until we float. We will float. In absolute tranquility and without any struggle, pain or fear…we will float. And so it is.

I am thankful beyond words for my medication. My PTSD cannot unfuck itself once I go spinning off of my axis like that. I am thankful that this morning, I had some warning before it hit. I am thankful I was able to get the spinning to stop before I couldn’t. I am so fucking thankful to Tamara for holding me up this morning, so that I would not hit the ground. Tamara is my rock. I am so thankful for you my girl, for loving and accepting me, as sick as I am and right where I am at. Thank you.

I get discouraged some days. I feel like I have terminal illnesses that no matter what I do, cannot be cured. I am an alcoholic. I will always be an alcoholic. I have C-PTSD and I will always have C-PTSD. Some days I really do get discouraged by that. Oh, and I got the call to schedule my pelvic injections and pudenal blocks for January. The clenching and the fucking pain…oh the fucking pain. Even in a fucking snow drift up past my knees, I can still feel this fucking pain. And fuck! Just fuck! How do we address that? With more pain. Good pain…and excruciating pain, none the less. Oh, and I find myself in this mother fucking trash bag by the curb again. Some days all of that really fucks with me pretty good. Some days it hurts me so badly that I cannot even open my eyes before the tears start. Today was one of those days. Up by 4:00am and trying to pull myself together by 8:00am to leave for work. And the struggle is fucking real, isn’t it?

So what do we do? Today, I will do my best to rise above it. Today I will be of service. So if you need me, please let me know. I will see how I can help. I will go to work because I know my gift is needed and my work is good. I will stand in my convictions and I will not go where I’m not loved like a verb. I will stand up for myself and my brothers and my sisters. I will write. I will love. I will have heavy doses of musical medicine. Nahko and SOJA are in my immediate future, to remedy this pain. I will love. I will love. I will love. And so it is.

I love you. Have a beautiful day!

I need to go lie down…

I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who has reached out for us. We are deeply touched by the outpouring of love and generosity and support. I feel that everyone who left me has cleared room for you to show up. Those who didn’t want to be here have left plenty of space for those of you who do want to be here. I am glad you’re here. I am glad there’s room.

I am pretty somber today. I spent some time baking and just being. I feel sad at a level that I cannot be consoled. I have lost something that I never thought I would lose. I am hurting in ways I could never have imagined I would be hurting. I have turned inward and I feel melancholy. I feel sad.

People speak and it’s like I already know what they are going to say. I try to pretend to be surprised and I’m not. I try not to hurt and I do hurt.

So many times…so many people…walking away from me. You though…you. I did not see this coming. You and the pretending that you’re still here. Me and the still wishing you were here. I don’t know what to make of it. It all just makes me so fucking sad.

I don’t have time to be sad. I really don’t have the time. Today though…I felt the empty. I felt you slipping away. I spoke to clear my own air. I was shaking. I was sad. I wasn’t heard again. Still though…I must speak. Deaf ears will not deter me from speaking my truth. I started to stop speaking when I was sure you were not listening. I decided fuck it…I speak for me to get it out. You don’t have to listen. You don’t have to hear me. Since you’ve decided not to speak or listen… I have decided not to speak. I don’t have to speak you know? I don’t have to do a fucking thing.

I search for words and come up empty handed. I don’t have any fucking words for this. This pain. This empty. I don’t have a fucking thing to say. I listen and you don’t speak and I don’t need to fill the empty space with words anymore. I don’t need to fill this empty at all. I don’t need to do a fucking thing. I am sad.

The blame that you’ve pushed toward me…I decline. I’m not taking it. And the guilt…I’m not buying it. The lies…I throw up in my mouth a little bit when the lies fly out. I know better. You do too. You fucking know better. I won’t accept less than your better. This shit you’re putting out isn’t worthy of my time. Love me like a verb. Empty words hurt me. Lies shut me down. The distance hurts and makes me stronger. I worry for you. I am okay. I hurt a lot for what you have thrown away. I hurt for you.

All day, underneath the surface, my broken heart has been unable to let go. I don’t hold on. I don’t really know how to let go. I guess I don’t have to let go because you already did. I still don’t know how to let go too. All day, just below the surface, I have felt like dying. All day I have missed you. All day I have kept the tears down below this lump in my throat. All day I have had to accept what you won’t even speak. I just can’t. I just fucking can’t.

I need to go lie down. I need to close my eyes and let this pain be gone. I need to know that I’m not dreaming. I am not dreaming. Your absence is noticed. My life is not the same without you. I hurt for you. I hurt for me. I miss you…whomever you are.

I need to go lie down.