I wanted to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who has reached out for us. We are deeply touched by the outpouring of love and generosity and support. I feel that everyone who left me has cleared room for you to show up. Those who didn’t want to be here have left plenty of space for those of you who do want to be here. I am glad you’re here. I am glad there’s room.
I am pretty somber today. I spent some time baking and just being. I feel sad at a level that I cannot be consoled. I have lost something that I never thought I would lose. I am hurting in ways I could never have imagined I would be hurting. I have turned inward and I feel melancholy. I feel sad.
People speak and it’s like I already know what they are going to say. I try to pretend to be surprised and I’m not. I try not to hurt and I do hurt.
So many times…so many people…walking away from me. You though…you. I did not see this coming. You and the pretending that you’re still here. Me and the still wishing you were here. I don’t know what to make of it. It all just makes me so fucking sad.
I don’t have time to be sad. I really don’t have the time. Today though…I felt the empty. I felt you slipping away. I spoke to clear my own air. I was shaking. I was sad. I wasn’t heard again. Still though…I must speak. Deaf ears will not deter me from speaking my truth. I started to stop speaking when I was sure you were not listening. I decided fuck it…I speak for me to get it out. You don’t have to listen. You don’t have to hear me. Since you’ve decided not to speak or listen… I have decided not to speak. I don’t have to speak you know? I don’t have to do a fucking thing.
I search for words and come up empty handed. I don’t have any fucking words for this. This pain. This empty. I don’t have a fucking thing to say. I listen and you don’t speak and I don’t need to fill the empty space with words anymore. I don’t need to fill this empty at all. I don’t need to do a fucking thing. I am sad.
The blame that you’ve pushed toward me…I decline. I’m not taking it. And the guilt…I’m not buying it. The lies…I throw up in my mouth a little bit when the lies fly out. I know better. You do too. You fucking know better. I won’t accept less than your better. This shit you’re putting out isn’t worthy of my time. Love me like a verb. Empty words hurt me. Lies shut me down. The distance hurts and makes me stronger. I worry for you. I am okay. I hurt a lot for what you have thrown away. I hurt for you.
All day, underneath the surface, my broken heart has been unable to let go. I don’t hold on. I don’t really know how to let go. I guess I don’t have to let go because you already did. I still don’t know how to let go too. All day, just below the surface, I have felt like dying. All day I have missed you. All day I have kept the tears down below this lump in my throat. All day I have had to accept what you won’t even speak. I just can’t. I just fucking can’t.
I need to go lie down. I need to close my eyes and let this pain be gone. I need to know that I’m not dreaming. I am not dreaming. Your absence is noticed. My life is not the same without you. I hurt for you. I hurt for me. I miss you…whomever you are.
I need to go lie down.