Good morning everyone! Thank you for being here with me this morning. I feel a little stuck this morning. The words are there and I’m not able to access them. The intention is there and the words are jumbled a bit. And so I pray for guidance that my words be only ever in our highest good.
There are many facets to Coral. Sam is a huge facet of Coral. My inner child work with Sam is rewarding and trying and humbling and sometimes difficult. Always worth it, and so fucking hard sometimes. Sam is Coral and Coral is Sam. Sam I am. Sam has been very present since October. The trauma and the pain and the disgust and disappointments…the Anniversary’s and the holidays. My ongoing traumatic medical situation and pelvic injections every month…the struggle has definitely and undoubtedly been real for me. Suicidal ideation has been a constant visitor and sobriety has been hard to hold onto…not in abstaining from drinking alcohol, but fuck if the stinking thinking hasn’t kicked me in my ass. Learning the unfathomable and learning to live with the shockwave that wrecked through me as a result of it. I have undoubtedly been a hot fucking mess. I have been gone from me. I have been gone from my life, from the Sanctuary, from you, quite possibly…and maybe from you too. Most of all though, I have been gone from me. I have been dead inside, simply because that is the only thing that kept me alive. Being dead kept my heart beating. Leaving my body allowed me to return to it and to stay here with you. These subconscious choices were not made by me, and yet on some level, I’ve not doubt that for my own growth that I picked a hard path. I come here to write, to get it all out…to love and to heal us all. I do my best. I fall short and I fuck up. I forget things and I miss things all together. I am a hot fucking mess stitched together with the very best of intentions. I can promise you that my intentions are pure and in love and light, always. My mouth though…ya sometimes, maybe because I’m human being, being human…maybe because I don’t know better…I say things that do not align with me. I have expectations, disguised as hopes and hurt parading around as anger. I am so disgusted by some things that I literally cannot occupy the same space. I don’t know what happened to cause this and yet I do know why…I can’t breathe in the toxicity of some and so I must take space. In my inability to cope in all of the hate and fear and rage that lunges itself at me, I guess it’s fair to say that I, at times, have become hateful and fearful and full of rage. In being so blatantly and violently abused, I too have been abusive. Having only been merely tolerated, I have become intolerant. In being oppressed or so long , I am busting the fuck out. In being wounded, I have thrown some daggers myself. I am flawed as fuck. I am wrong sometimes. I suck sometimes. In being left parentless for good orderly direction, I am hustling to learn all that I missed. I am re-learning and re-programming patterns that do not serve me. I am accepting the things I cannot change, as I accept I’ve no choice. I accept where I am in my life and how I got here. I own my shit to the best of my ability. I really do.
What has me all worked up and upset this morning is that I know that what is unsettling to me in you, is mirroring something in me. I really do get that. What I fail to understand is why I am so worked up over things that I really have not chosen to educate myself about. Why do I get so upset about bits and pieces of a whole that I’m not in the know about? My only answer is this…when I feel other beings being harmed or hurt, silenced and oppressed, abused and disregarded…thrown away and left dead or for dead and broken…I feel I must say something. I feel I must speak and raise awareness. I write and so I write with all of my heart. I love with all of my heart, without knowing or caring to know details…I just love. I am on fire and passionate about love. I have been denied love and I have denied love and so I am going out there to love all I can, while I can. Sometimes, in my passion, I forget to pause or I re-post someone else’s words on my pages. I forget to remember and so thankfully I was reminded this morning, that using other peoples words fails to account for me and my intention and my infliction. The words may express how I feel and yet they aren’t my words and they don’t hold my meaning.
I made a policy in my business and in my life a long time ago, to not discuss religion or politics. Early on I learned that not speaking about religion is pretty easy for me, although I am well versed in it. I will speak openly about my spirituality and my higher power, as it pertains to me and my work and my life experiences. Politics has never been something I like to discuss at all, with anyone. In my home growing up, political talk was always heated and I hated it. Controversial and angry…judgement riddled and irritating as fuck, was all of this rhetoric, and so I insisted that we agree to disagree and to shut the fuck up about it. I keep that policy for myself, for the most part.
Lately though, I have stepped out of bounds a bit. I have become reactive to the ignorance thrown at me. I have responded to, instead of walked away from, situations that triggered me. I have reacted instead of silenced myself until I could pass through all three gates…is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? I stand corrected. Truly, I have passionately gone forth in defense of the atrocities that plague us all, without much pause.
My politics are my business and I apologize if I’ve allowed my opinions to slip past my lips. I do not discuss politics. I do not post about politics. I do not endorse or make a statement about anyone, as I am not educated enough or passionate enough to do so. I just want to be clear henceforth that I have no interest in political conversation. I have mine and you have yours and we are each entitled to that. If I gave any impression otherwise, I assure you that I will be more mindful henceforth.
I love you right where you are at. I really, really do. I have no expectation. I just love you. I just wanted to clear that up, as a very dear friend called me yesterday about a post I put up on my business page. I cannot tell you what that call meant and how difficult it was and how beautiful it was, to be loved enough to be asked about this privately and lovingly. I was able to hear every single word and she was not wrong. It is because of the beautiful conversation I was gifted yesterday, that I am able to stand before you for all that I am not, just the same as I stand before you for all that I am. Thank you my beautiful friend for the call. Love is a verb and I thank you for loving me like a verb. To my girl, thank you for how you love me and see me. I love you more than I’ve words to tell you Tamara.
I hope you each have a beautiful and love-filled day. I love you.