Good morning everyone. This morning for me, is one of breaking and turning within. I have been doing my best to just keep swimming…just keep in motion…just keep talking…just keep trying. This morning I surrender. This morning I turn within.
Three years ago, I was two years sober. I was finally finding the top of the world. Tamara and I were building and laughing and dreaming and picking piñon.! I was sober. I was vegan. I was healing. I was standing up to my Mom. I was being…just fucking being. I had just finally been able to borrow the money to buy the art studio that I had dreamed of my whole fucking life, AND it was sitting in my driveway and my Dad and I were dropping electrical in it that weekend! My life was good! My life was so fucking good…in fact, my life was never better than it was in those days. I was finding purpose. I was living in and learning sobriety and life on life’s terms and I was actually enjoying my life. I was the co-founder of the most amazing animal sanctuary that you will ever visit. I was doing all of this with the love of my life, and I was learning what happy looked and felt like.
Around 9:00pm my phone rang and it was my Dads cell phone. My Dad was following the ambulance to the emergency room downtown, the same hospital I was born in, because my mom had fallen and they thought she had a stroke. My dad could not get my mom up. My mom told my dad to call 911. Long story short…my Mom did not have a stroke. My mom had stage 4 breast cancer, with metastasis to her liver, her lungs and her brain. My mom died two months later, on December 3, 2015. I am forever changed. My life is forever changed. I will never be the same girl I was, picking Piñon in our yard, dreaming my dreams with my girl. And so now, I turn in and begin again. I must.
My mother dying was only the first of the pain to befall me. My family disappeared completely, with very few exceptions. My closest friends became distant memories. Tears that were not allowed to fall for over four decades, broke the fucking dam and haven’t stopped or slowed down since. My life…all of it…the Sanctuary, my dreams…my worth and my ability to contribute as I had, all gone and forging on without me, because I was gone from here, from me…am they must. They must go on. Life must go on. My life went on. Breath comes and leaves my body, and I have gone on. The world though, seems to have gone on without me. I stand bewildered at the sight of all that I held so dear being so far out of my reach. And so I turn within.
Triple diagnosed with C-PTSD and a recovering alcoholic, I am terminally ill. The double-headed serpent, as illustrated for me so eloquently yesterday, (Thank you my brother) is attacking me and itself. Under siege and under fire, I turn within. As they claw and clash and rage at one another, as the spin of this disease rips me out of my stability again, I turn within. As I celebrate five years sober, only to realize that I have been dry drinking with my thinking. I must either end it all or I must turn within. As I prepare for my pelvic pudenal blocks on Tuesday morning and pray that they will ease my pain this time, I have no fucking choice but to break or turn within. As I tell my girl that I know I’m not who she fell in love with, through a barrage of tears that will not stop, I have already turned within. Just as I began to find myself, I lost myself. Just as I began to open up and heal a bit, I was destroyed and shut down. I do not know how to recover from that. I do not know who I am right now. I do not know what to do right now. And so I turn within.
My blog is a commitment that I made to myself, to write every single day, no matter what for 365 days. I began blogging in December of 2017. I renewed my commitment to blog for another 365 days in December of 2018. My blog is where I come to write and to heal myself. I come here to get it all out, to heal us all. Everyone is welcome here, without exception. I want to remind everyone though, that this is my blog. With all of my love and with only the best intentions, I write my story here…my life as it occurs for me…and I will continue to do so. I exercise decorum to the best of my ability. I don’t use names unless I’ve permission, unless I have on accident, which has only allowed me to be more mindful. I do have passion and I do have venom and I do have my opinions. I will state them here. On my blog, I will post what I feel I need and want to post. My views and opinions are not that of my partner or my parents or my brother…nor my friends or my family…this is my blog and this is my story. I will be posting my blog every single day as promised. You can always find me and follow me and like me and comment and interact with me here. I invite and encourage you to do so. I love that you are here! Thank you for being here.
I will be pulling my blog off of Facebook. I have been auto-sharing to my Max and Me page and selectively to my personal page. I will be turning within and I will be on social media as little as humanly possible. I am sharing this post to both of my pages today and after that, if you want to read my blog, you will need to go to coralsblog.com and follow the prompts to follow me, as I will not be sharing on Facebook anymore. Again, I invite you to follow me here, as I love our time together. I just need a forum different from the one I have been in. And so it turn within. And so it is.
Have a beautiful day. I love you.