I’ve known not what it felt like to feel the way I’m feeling. I am so fragile and so broken…so raw and so inconsolable. I am laying here not knowing what to do. I do not know what to do. I break and I don’t know what to do. So so sad and I don’t know what to do.
Eight hours later and tossing and turning and praying and lying awake and I don’t know what to do. I get up because I’m not sleeping and I sit here in the darkness alone and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I lie back down because I’m tired and I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do.
Everything is all jumbled up and it’s all a fucking mess. Nothing is as it was and nothing makes any fucking sense and I don’t know what to do. Words hold no meaning and promises shatter and I don’t know what to do. Dying wishes dishonored and adult children returned to their toddler state of emotions because we don’t know what to do.
Constantly beginning my prayer and then trailing off lost and scattered somewhere, because I don’t know what to do. Feeling like even God is having a hard time finding me right now and I don’t know what to do.
I stayed down in the studio to try to regain control of myself and I don’t know what to do. I cannot seem to find a starting point in which to grasp on to to begin to heal and I don’t know what to do. I am hot and then I’m cold. I am shattered and barely breathing and I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.
I must not let this take me. I feel like I have been beaten and left for dead and I don’t know what to do. The screaming inside won’t stop and the tears cannot seem to hold themselves in and I don’t know what to do. The lump in my throat is a constant companion and the crack keeps getting bigger and I don’t know what to do.
All of my life has been a struggle. All of my life has been hard. I have always kept my head down and kept on keeping on. I have always known I was living for something…that this was not all in vain. As I sit here completely fucking shattered and unable to gather my own pieces, I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine what I’m living for or what I could possibly offer. My girl is up in the house worried sick about me and I don’t know what to do. My life went off course three years ago, like a locomotive without a conductor and I don’t know what to do to bring myself back in. I feel like I’m rounding the corner a bit, and then this and that and mostly this, and I don’t know what to do.
I sit here shaking from lack of sleep. The sickening nature of all of this has me literally vomiting and I don’t know what to do. I sit and stare in circles and I pray for the spinning to stop, because I really don’t know what to do.
I am shaken, rattled and unsettled. I am raging and ripping apart on the inside. I am screaming inside so fucking loud that I am deaf to the world around me and I don’t know what to do. I cannot reach you. I cannot reach her. I cannot fucking reach me. God is right before me and I can’t seem to reach him and I don’t know what to do.
All of this…all of this pain…it’s taking me somewhere. Struggling to hold on, I’ve worn myself weary. Chasing the things that left me has made me weak and so so tired. Keeping coming back has left me disoriented and I don’t know who or where I am. Better off dead for all of us and yet, I know I’ve a purpose and I must beat death again first. Literally at my very own funeral, and laying myself and all I’ve been and known and believed in to rest. Reading my own eulogy, with no words, as I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who or where the fuck I’ve been. I cannot even stand up to dust myself off and I don’t know what to do. The casket has me in it and the life is surely gone. That heart does not seem to be beating, as the lid comes down on top of me. I do not bother to move or push or try to get out anymore. I close my eyes and I lie dead here in this box, in the cold and unforgiving earth from which I came. I can’t keep the tears in as you come to kiss my forehead goodbye. You don’t notice and you don’t bend down to kiss me either. You walk past as though I am not there at all, with your gaze out in the distance, on anything but me. You are empty and shallow and gone. You haven’t seen me in so long. I’ve been laying right here, waiting for the last nail to take its place, so that I may die my last death. The tears will surely drown me and the break in my heart will undoubtedly render it useless to keep beating. My eyes see nothing anymore and my lifeless and broken body begs to go. My ears are turned off and my mouth is sewn shut for once and for all. I simply don’t know what to do. And do I close my eyes and let the lid come down. I hear the last nail being hammered in and I don’t make a sound. I don’t know what to do.
I will be in prayer today. I will be in therapy tomorrow. I will keep keeping on. I don’t know how right now. I will hit a meeting. I will cry and sob until I get it all out. I will sit catatonic for countless more hours in the nothingness of my unfitting thoughts. I will sob into my hands to try to make it stop and it won’t. It will slow down until you turn and leave the room, and then I will well up and overflow again. I will do whatever it takes, for however long it takes…I will give this what it needs to rear it’s ugly head and heal me. All the flashbacks and the visions and the horrors…all of the hurt and the betrayal and the loss…I will watch them one more time, for the last time. I will sit down here all day and let this take its course. I will let her take me and shake me and break me. I will let her hurt and shatter and flail about until she falls into pieces exhausted at my feet. I will let her do her dance and have her way before the midnight comes again. For when the clock hits the twelfth stroke of midnight tonight, I will go to my death. I will lay myself down and succumb to this death of million busted lifetimes, countless broken hearts and a million misconceptions. I will lie down and I will close my eyes. I will cross my hands over my heart and I will take my last stale breath. I will die to this for once and for all, I’m preparation to rise again.
For today though, I canceled my pelvic injections. The roads are icy and the reschedule was too early. Most of all though, today is not the day to drop that trauma down on top of me, of injecting me in the vagina with nerve blocks to try to heal my pain. I fear that as fragile as I am, the pain and the trauma and the anesthesia may just be a bit too much for me to overcome today. And so I put my healing on hold to go forth and break apart some more.
I am seeking counsel. I am calling God. I am crying out and I am turning inward. I am down here while my whole life is up there. I am on the outside looking in, as I’ve always been. I am in the worst pain of my life and I don’t know what to do. The physical pain is so bad that I can literally barely walk at all and my heart…my fucking heart….and I don’t know what to do. All words seem pointed and everything fucking hurts. I crave comfort and must accept that I am truly inconsolable right now.
- Today I give myself the day to fall apart, to pass away, to do what I must do…however that must look, to lay myself and all of the crosses that I bear to rest. Today I make the final payment for your sins so that your debt will be paid in full and you can move on. I use everything left in my account to pay your debt, to free your soul and allow your rising. I clear my own debt too today, my karmic debt to those I’ve harmed, to those I’ve disappointed…to hearts I’ve broken and lives I’ve wreaked havoc on..today I lie it down. There is just enough to clear our debts and so I lay the money down. I do this in loving memory and in honor of the woman who carried me in, the father who offered his seed and his counsel and who taught me how to pray. To my mom and dad, who did the best they could with the life force that is me, I offer my gratitude. Today, I go in silence. Today I go in peace, to figure out how, for I don’t know what to do.