Good morning everyone and happy Friday. The struggle is real for me and I am having a hard time writing, sleeping, eating…being. I come here still and write what I am able. My life has fallen out from all I’ve known and I am reeling in shock. I tremor in pain and my eyes hurt from all of the tears. As I said before, I don’t know what to do. I thank you for your love and your patience and your prayers as I navigate this uncharted and very treacherous-terrain. I wake wiping the salt from my face from the tears that seeped out in the night. Aside from clients and scheduled engagements, I am catatonic and keeping myself very busy and physically exhausted. Must be a coping mechanism, as I am either completely catatonic or in constant motion. Things I cannot openly speak about plague me as I find a way to lie them to rest for once and for all. Millions of questions befall me and I urge them to move along unanswered; for the why matters not. Nothing much matters anymore in this horror or unconscious, self-centered and inflictive decisions, thrown about like the snow falling all around me.
I have been in this snow globe my whole life and I am busting out. Looking at the world from in here, pressed up against the glass, just trying to feel what it feels like out there. Held surrounded in a glass that is anything but transparent…anything but true…with snow that is, in actuality, bits and pieces of my fractured life falling all around me. Shaken up over and over again for the enjoyment of so many, only to be set down and left alone, watching from the outside, my world go by. Gathering dust and more dust until I can’t see out at all, until someone picks me up and shakes me again. My life blows all to shit and the pieces flail about until they fall in rest at my feet. Through the handprint of the last person to shake my globe, I see what I can of the outside world. This has been the life inside the snow globe. Packaged up in dark and stale space for months and years on end…retrieved or stumbled upon from time to time, and placed away again.
Finally a few days ago though, sitting on the table and hit with something launched at me, the glass finally broke. Every time before, the glass has kept me safe. This time though…the glass finally cracked and the water that holds me started seeping slowly out. For days I have tried to keep myself safe, as the crack just keeps growing longer and longer. There is barely any water left in here. I have a bit left to stand in and my broken pieces are all around me, soggy and plastered against the glass. And I don’t know how the fuck I got here and I don’t know what to do.
My mind reels constantly. My heartbeats faintly. I don’t know what to do. This globe…this shell that housed me in isolation with myself for a lifetime finally broke and I don’t know what to do. Still on the inside without anything to sustain my life and unsure of how to get out…I sit in this place, on the bottom of my globe with the pieces of my life all around me. I find a particularly odd shaped shard next to me and I pick it up. Fuck, this one is heavy and jagged and sharp and pointed…this one hurts me to pick it up. Pick it up I must though, because this is my ticket out. I will strike the glass from the inside and shatter this globe so that I can get out. With all of my might and with all of my intention, I pick her up and I hurl her at the crack in the glass. I hit the ground and cover my head to take cover, as not to be hit by falling glass. Nothing. Nothing at all as she barely misses me as she falls. I pick her up and hurl her again and again and again at the glass, trying to break myself free. Sobbing and bleeding and exhausted, I sit back down. With my face in my hands and my heart broken completely in two, with all of these memories…I realize that I simply do not know how to leave. I will not survive for long in here and it has been days already. So exhausted and so heart broken, I curl up in the corner of my globe with a little piece of my mom in my arms and I fade off to sleep. Her dreams and wishes and my dreams and wishes…our life together…our story and our struggle…our difficult walk together…I lie with these things and I cry myself to sleep. I cry and I cry and I cry…and in sheer exhaustion, in despair and I mourning, I fade off to sleep, praying. The only way out of here shall be my prayers and my own ingenuity…the only salvation for me is me. The snow globe finally cracked and I don’t know what to do.