Good morning everyone. I am in a rough place and have been for the last week. The tears won’t stop and the pain in my heart has been intolerable. My body revolted and I’ve been to see my chiropractor twice to put me back together this week. I woke crying again this morning and I just fucking can’t. I cannot be debilitated any longer by the words and actions of others. I cannot be in all of this pain any longer. For this pain, in actuality, is my own pain and these transgressions are mine.
My experience of my pain…mine. My heart breaking…that’s mine too. I had expectations and so I am disappointed. I had the highest of hopes, also in actuality, expectations, and I am so sad that my hopes will not be coming true. I stand corrected. This pain that I carry, this hurt and this anger and this resentment…it’s all mine. Projected onto the masses…my pain and my misconceptions…my experience of my life, riddled with expectations. We always called them hopes. We called a lot of things a lot of things that took us completely away from what they really were. So today, I claim that which is mine. This space that I am in and this way that I am feeling…this is mine. The anger and the rage and all of the hurt and disappointment…mine. The misunderstanding…mine also. I have set it all down, as to not carry that which is not mine. I can clearly see that inadvertently, I put some of my shit in your pile. I go to my knees before you and I retrieve it now. I know better. I’ll do better.
Tamara is my everything. My sounding board and my confidant…my lover, my soulmate and my best friend. This morning, she shared a truth that turns out to be a missing piece for me, in my healing. This past week has hurt me worse than any other ever. Four and a half decades came crashing down around me and I knew not what to do.
What I did was I reacted. I returned, with venom and ill intent, the attack upon me. I raged and boiled over. In reaction to truth withheld, I came literally unhinged. I was shaking and seething and livid and crushed into bits. I was destroyed and so I became destructive, in both my words and in my actions. I got up to walk away because I knew in my heart, what I would do if I stayed. I have never really known how to take the liberty of walking away when someone calls me back. I have been held captive by myself for the last 165 hours…taunted and tortured and plagued by my own thoughts. I have known not what to do.
Clarity came this morning in our living room, as Tamara and I talked and as I cried. This pain that just won’t quit…this pain is so very many things right now. Loss and disappointment…disgust and sorrow…resentment and shock…and most of all, regret. I really do not have regrets, so this hurts me a lot. I regret, not who I’ve been, as a result of things completely beyond my control…I regret who I’ve been without even knowing it, an angry and entitled person…a person without my own words and thoughts…a person whose actions have been out of alignment with my very own soul. And so without further ado…I stand corrected in the light of a new day, for being out of alignment with my own soul. I learn. I grow. I ebb and I flow. It matters not where I came from. It matters how I allow myself to heal, to admit my faults and shortcomings…ask forgiveness for my transgressions and for your transgressions also. So this morning, I am sorry for the anger and hate that I have harbored for a lifetime. I am here to set that down. Every single moment has brought me to right here. Right here is where I begin again. Right now is where I begin to honor my own heart and my own soul and my own knowing of what is right and what is wrong. If it does not feel right to me, I will not share space. And so it is. Thank you Tamara for talking me down this morning so that I can go out and offer myself and my gifts to the world. I love you to the moon and back. I love you to infinity and beyond.
To each of you, have a beautiful day! I love you!