Good morning! The struggle is real and I’ve been unable to function very well. I have been unable to write. I hurt and I know not what to do, other than to keep practicing changing my thoughts, meditating, praying and medicating with huge doses of musical medicine. Nahko, SOJA, James Blunt, Johnny Lang and Lady Gaga have constant companions and I am so thankful.
I’ve not been where I am at right now before. I only know that I pray every day for peace. I pray every day that my love is received and felt and that there is comfort in this knowing of my love. I cry a lot and break down a lot and I let myself fall apart a lot. I hurt a lot.
My words are sideways and my thoughts are only thoughts. My memories seem to confuse the present with a distant past. My heart shatters over and over again and I’ve trouble keeping on.
As I sit in this snow globe again, I am restless and somehow at peace. I am unhinged and somehow calm. I am destroyed and somehow coming together. I am shattered and becoming whole. I am silent. I am turned within. I have missed you. I have been so unable to write and I am sorry. I am just taking one moment at a time right now. I love you and I thank you for being here with me today.
I spent my day yesterday painting the studio. My Dad taught me to paint. The masking and the cutting in…texturing and spackle….using drop cloths and the right lighting. Painting with pride and purpose…that’s what I did all day yesterday. I imagined him there next to me, just like old times. I cried a lot and mumbled to myself…talking to him as though he were sitting right next to me. I miss my Dad. This morning , I was excited to take the masking tape off and see how I did. I did pretty good, if I do say so myself. My Dad taught me to paint and I am so thankful. I’m going to hurry home from work today to paint with him some more.
For now, I must get ready for my clients and wipe these tears from my eyes. I must keep keeping on. Thank you for being here and for loving me through this pain. Have a beautiful day!