Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Ramblings…

Good morning everyone. And so begins my journey into myself. The acceptance that comes in mid fall has finally taken hold. I surrender. I let go. I set it down and I walk through the pain. The prison…the bars…the confinement, lifted. The worry and the doubt, subsided, as I learn that I am only here to be me. I am perfect. I have always been perfect. You are perfect too. You have always been perfect too.

I woke in my Silly’s House this morning. Silly and I have shared houses and waking space before. Today, on this morning, the same and different. Old and new. Completion of it all and a new beginning. Releasing the old to make way for the new. And it’s all good. It has always been okay.

My programming got hacked and all of my wires are being unplugged and unraveled. My thoughts are harsh and punishing and I set it down. My ideas, once far off and inaccessible to me…become my own garden. My life is mine. My thoughts are mine. I am mine. I did not know these things. I could not remember or retrieve theses things. I could not separate myself from the rubble. I knew I was in there and I could not set me free from it. My thoughts wandering and babbling…my prayers on the tip of my tongue and I, unable to spit out the words. The chaos to a calm. The spinning to a halt. I am enough. I am. This is it. I am it. These words are starting to fit, where once they were foreign. Something has shifted. Something changed. Some things are beginning to reveal all things. The closure has created an opening and the absence has created and invitation. The empty opening to be filled and the void…the void becomes my morning sunrise.

I lie here different this morning. I can not pinpoint it or put it into words. It does not feel to be tangible, this acceptance I have come to, of all that is. My knowing of all that has been and my detachment from it. My pleasure and healing in my own pain becomes my fuel for the next leg of my journey.

The light takes over the darkness and the world comes alive. I lie here pondering how to place myself into the light. Where do I want to be in the spectrum of rainbow that is me?

I have never woken from this place. Not this couch, not in this awareness, that tells me that everything is okay. The fear melted off and the acceptance of what is, seated itself comfortably there instead. I know that my waking here is monumental and of great significance, although I know not why. I know that last night holds keys I didn’t even know existed, as the pendulum swings and my energy sorts itself out. The acceptance is soaking in and I am not sure how to feel in the okayness of everything.

I came here to heal. I came here to set down that which I cannot carry…all of that which is not mine. I came here to invite myself home. This seems ambiguous and scattered right now, as it begins to sort itself out. There is no overwhelm…just a vast expanse of unexplored territory to journey through. I am not stressed or pressed for time. Time seems to have erased itself, as I accept my being here as it is. Maybe for another day and maybe for a lifetime nearly done. Maybe or maybe not. It really doesn’t matter.

Memories shift into spaces made just for for them. No ripping or pulling…just shifting. Trauma falls away and lies lifeless before me, as the momentum that kept it going has moved to serve another shift for someone else. Yours and mine shuffles and finds their place and we become one. We realize we are one. We accept that we are one. Our oneness melts the need to find a resting place, as we lift each other up and through the storm. Cars and houses and people come to life, as though the neighborhood just woke up to find its trolley through My neighborhood. My terrain becomes the beauty before me and my rear view mirror obscures itself behind me. I set my intention to the heights of my own being. I set my healing in place for my own highest good. Although I’m not sure what all of this means right now. I knew I needed to write it all down. Before I rise to begin a new day, I needed to write it down.

As I got dressed and left my Silly’s house, as everyone else slept this morning, I knew somehow that I was different inside. I knew I was good to go, however that looks.

I pray to be chosen by the angel who came down. I place my faith and trust that all is unfolding according to Gods great plan. My highest self unfolding. And I am thankful. Today, I came home before I went back out into the world, to remind me that I home. I have always been home. I will always be home. I am home. I didn’t come home to change my clothes. I leave them on again, as a blanket, as I shed my old skin and find The Cloak of the Christ to sink into.

I love you silly. Sleep tight until we chat again. I love you! Thank you angels. Thank you for coming down. I love you.

I had this in my drafts. I share it this morning as my knowing of the good things coming. In this space I give myself what I need this morning and I bid you farewell. Have a beautiful day! I love you.

My God! Someone should fucking do something!!!!!!

Good morning everyone and happy Monday! I hope you had a wonderful weekend! I had a wonderful weekend and I am so thankful to be returning to myself and my life!

As of late, I have been floating around somewhere out there. Disconnected and untethered…ungrounded and flailing a bit. I feel me in here and yet I am having difficulty touching the ground. I see my reflection in the mirror and I cannot touch the face connected. Strange how it feels to want to feel something so much that you don’t know whether you are coming or going anymore…whether you are feeling anything at all anymore. This morning I write for the disconnect that leaves us with a choice. Do we dangle out there and enjoy our solitude? Or do we walk right into the chaos and bring about change and order? We walk right into that mother fucking fire my friends! We must walk right into that fire and be the change we wish to see in our world. Who the fuck are we and what are we doing to change things?

Here’s an example. Last night I was headed down to the studio, from our house, when I heard audible and distraught voices. I called Tamara and she came out and heard them too. And so, we got in the Jeep and headed up the hill to see what in the fuck all the noise was about. Someone must need help. And sure enough, two very intoxicated clowns, who ventured onto the property of two more drunken clowns, needed help desperately. Out trying to find some mud, these two unsuspecting fools, made a very wrong turn and ended up in our neighbors compound. A shotgun to the face and a little shit in your drawers ought to pull you out of that haze you were in, and yet, it just caused you to babble in tongues incoherently until the cops finally showed up. And I stood by thanking God for my sobriety. I shit you not…I stood there next to those two, so fucking thankful that I was sober and not getting a ride in the back of that police cruiser last night. I have been in the back of those cruisers before and awoken in the drunk tank, only to begin to realize the extent of the damage I had done the night before. Thank you God for the reminders that keep me from returning to a life that nearly took mine. All of my love to the drunken clowns on the mountain whom while sobering this morning, ought to be grateful for their lives. All of my love and respect and thanks to law enforcement for showing up and doing the hard work, the dangerous and thankless work. I don’t give one fuck where you stand on this issue , these ladies and gentlemen risk their fucking lives and leave their families every single day, to deal with bullshit like this. All of my love, thanks and kudos to the members of law enforcement, EMS and Fire, our neighborly neighbors and the spirit that protects this canyon. Last night could have ended very differently. Last night could have ended everything for a couple of people who were out here and up to no good. I never once thought, as I jumped into the Jeep next to my girl, that someone else should do something. I thought let’s get our asses up that fucking hill before someone kills someone. And guess what, someone just about killed someone. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a cocked shotgun to your face. I have. I will tell you what, one second fucking matters. Prayer fucking matters. My God! Why doesn’t somebody fucking do something?!

We all have a choice every single moment of every single day. Most of us ignore the voices, disregard the cries and go about our business, as though we heard and saw nothing at all. I won’t lie…I wasn’t up for that last night. I was ready to relax and do me for a bit. I wasn’t up for it the night before when Tamara heard voices and called me out to a forest full of flashing lights, and we stayed out in our driveway and the snow and frigid cold to love our brothers and sisters, until almost midnight. We do not get an alert on our phones and our calendar won’t have it scheduled. We won’t have the time or the energy for it and it will be at the most inopportune time. We will be tired and in our PJs and the call will come. We will hear it and we will know it and we will have to decided what we are going to do. Last night had I ignored the cries that I heard, it is very likely that there would be a crime unit up here this morning, wrapping up their investigation. If you still think that you, all by your little ol’ self do not make a difference…I am here to tell you that you do make a difference. We save lives. We give hope. We share hugs and tears. That is what we are here to do. Out of everything I did yesterday, the one thing that mattered the most, I did after my day was done. My God!! Somebody should fucking do something!!!

I cannot tell us all enough…we are the reason we are here. We are the journey my friends. As many of you know, I am five years sober and dealing with my own demons and I haven’t learned how not to be mad at those of you that I love so fucking much, pissing your fucking lives away in the bottom of those bottles that you hide in and lie about. I am mad at you for not seeing you and loving you as I do. I am thankful that you are here again today, fighting the good fight. Me too. Let’s keep it sober today, just for today, okay? My God!!! Why don’t you get out there and fucking do something! Be the change my friends. Be the change. I love you. Have a beautiful day today.

It would mean the world to me if you would participate and give this all you’ve got! Thank you!

The link does not want to load, so here is a screenshot of where we are at and where we need to be. Please give it all you’ve got for the animals! Thank you and I love you!

A Sherry lesson on “Some gave all” this morning.

Happy Sunday everyone! This morning we are blessed with a “Sherry Lesson” that came to me driving home yesterday. I had an amazing day yesterday with beautiful friends and on my way home, as I prayed, my Mom came through so clearly that I had to share with each of you, this life lesson from my beautiful mom! Welcome to the healing room! I hope you have your coffee and Kleenex in hand, as Sherry nailed it this morning!

For me, as you know, the struggle has been real. As of recent, my father and I are estranged except for snail mail correspondence. The man I love more than any other, and myself have turned our situation over to God, as we simply cannot handle it on our own. We cannot speak civilly to one another right now. Angry and betrayed and hurt enough…I almost hit my own father. I have no clearer sign that I must walk away to save us both right now. We cannot share our lives and so we have gone our separate ways, only bound by the love in our hearts for one another. I pray that love is enough. I pray that no matter who or what or where I go…no matter what does or does not happen, with all of my heart, I pray that my Daddy always knows my love for him; for nothing will ever change my love for you my father. Nothing can ever take from me the love I have in my heart for you, not even you. I love you. I miss you. I turn it over to God, and I ask for prayers and blessings for our broken little family. This is the first time in my life, ever, that I have strayed from my father. This is the first time ever that I have had courage enough to stand up for what is right and then to stand down and be done fighting what I cannot understand or control. And so I set it down. I let go and I let God.

As many of you know, my Mom was a force to be reckoned with. A powerhouse of a woman in a tiny little package…a southern twang in her voice that wasn’t actually southern at all, always made her presence known. Accompanied by the clickety click of her 👠 high heels, Yes, Sherry was a force all her own. So yesterday while driving home, when she clicked her way in, I prepared a place. This is the most valuable Sherry Lesson you will ever get, so go fill up that coffee cup and let’s get ready!

My parents have been such a huge part of my lives, all of my lives. My best friends and my confidants, to an unhealthy point, rendering me extremely co-dependent and financially dependent upon throughout my life. I won’t go into detail as it matters not, I only say anything because Sherry wants us all to learn from this. I could always make that call and get myself bailed out. I could always get some help if the fruits of my labor didn’t cut it. I always had my mom and dad. I do not have my mom and dad anymore and I am thankful, for it is teaching me to rely on me, to trust and to know me. The silver spoon being yanked out of my mouth busted a few teeth and left me breathless and hurting beyond my own comprehension, and I am thankful for I now now my own strength.

With that being said, all that I own in this entire world, outright, is Little Red, my 1996 Toyota T-100 truck. When my ex-wife left me in 2008 and took, literally everything I own, I ended up having to voluntarily repossess my brand new and beautiful black FJ Cruiser back to the credit union. I drove her to the credit union and I told them I was so sorry and I handed them the keys. I was without transport and I was broken. My little brother saw me and he gifted me the truck he bought to haul his motorcycles on, so that I would have a car to drive. Shawn signed the title over and said I owed him nothing. I have driven little red for the past eleven years. Little Red is a piece of my own heart, a gift from my baby brother, so that I didn’t lose everything else too. Thank you Shawn for seeing me and for loving me like a verb. I love you baby brother.

Before my mom died, on her death bed actually, she said she wanted me to have a brand new Jeep! A bit much I thought and I said so. After my mom died, my dad and I were looking at vehicles for me and we ended up finding the exact same one, the beautiful 2007 FJ Cruiser that I am driving now. We went and drove her and then we went right to the credit union, looking homeless as hell, both of us, and got her financed. That story is one of my fondest memories and Sherry was so happy the day I drove her home! My FJ is still financed and I own just under $6000 on her. I had Little Red sold on Friday for $3000. I was elated, as that put me halfway to paying her off. Thursday night I got a text from the guy I held Little Red for, for three weeks, that he could no longer buy her. Long story short, Little Red and my FJ are both here and neither one of them, nor Tamara’s Jeep are enough for what Santuario de Karuna needs. We have 42 animals here, several of them weighing in over 1500 pounds. Little Red, not Big Red, cannot handle the loads that we must haul to give everyone what they need. We need more and I was praying in this yesterday, when Sherry came through loud and clear.

Sherry simply said that “some gave all. All gave some and some gave all” she repeated to me. I was puzzled at first, I won’t lie. My dilemma, the one warping my fucking mind…the one I’m twisting and trying so desperately to make fit…she says simply, “it is what it is.” What in the literal fuck? I’m praying here! If you’ve no contribution, could you come back later? I need to figure out how to sell Little Red and pay of this FJ…..and she says, “You do not need to sell your truck Coral Dawn. You know what you need to do with Little Red.” Only I didn’t know and she didn’t tell me before she left again. What in the fuck?

As I drove closer to home, I remembered laying next to her on her death bed. I could not have known it then, that I would never hear the click of those heels 👠 or that twang in her voice again. I would never have her to help me to sort it out or pay it off again. I lost both of my lifelines and my own life that day, on that bed with her, before she left here for good. We had to make her funeral arrangements on that bed. We had to decide how to let her go because she was going and nothing stopped that. In lieu of flowers, my mom chose Santuario de Karuna, for all donations. My mom loved flowers as much as anyone I ever knew and she gave up her final bouquets on this earth for the animals here at Santuario de Karuna, so we could keep our promise to make the rest of their lives the best of their lives. On my moms deathbed, she saw me. My mom saw Tamara and I and our dream and on her way out, she did all she could to make this dream come true! Sherry gave it all. Every single last bit of it, to Santuario de Karuna, as she left this world. All she had left to offer is right here in this space that we all call home.

Today, in true Sherry fashion, I give all I’ve got to Santuario de Karuna too. Literally, the only thing I actually own, Little Red, I gift to our Sanctuary and to the animals here, to get them what they need. “Some gave all Coral Dawn. All gave some and some gave all. Follow your heart and do what you know to be right with your soul.”

Anyone who knows me at all knows that if all are giving some and only some are giving all, I am going to figure out how to be one of the ones who gives it all! So today, on behalf of my little brother Shawn and myself, I gift my precious Little Red to the fundraiser, so that we can purchase a truck big enough to care for everyone here. Whatever we make from the sale of Little Red will go directly into the fundraiser that our dear brother Chris put up for us. And so it is. Sherry reminds us that it is what it is. It will only ever, always be what it is. I don’t know what your “Some” is, or your “all”. I only came to tell you that by giving all I’ve got to give, I am beginning to find myself. I highly recommend giving all you’ve got! Thank you mom for the lesson, turned immediately blessing on my drive home to our beautiful Santuario yesterday…”Some gave all Coral Dawn. All gave some and some gave all…”

Happy Sunday everyone! Only you know what to do with the messages the angels send. Sherry reminds each of you, just the same as she reminded me…”Some gave all. All gave some and some gave all. For your own growth, for your own journey, be the one who gives it all!”

We each have the privilege and the opportunity to be of service. We have the ability to be in our community. We have the power to build up our community. We have an animal sanctuary right in our own backyard, literally! And we are all welcome here, Always, We are home here, aren’t we? We are in Sanctuary here. Why not be a part of the community? A true and literal part of something that you believe in? Volunteer. Donate. Share. Commit to $10 a month and be a sponsor. Check out our Facebook page and meet these amazing beings. Come out here and meet them. Help us feed them! For you…do this for you. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I do this!

If you would like to become a monthly donor, a one time donor , a volunteer or a visitor to our Sanctuary, we would love to hear from you! Right now, if you have the means, we would love for you to donate to the fundraiser that our brother Chris has set up right now, to get a new truck that will provide for all of the beautiful beings here. Check us out on Facebook and please donate and follow us! We would love to have you be a part of our compassionate community! All are welcome here!

Santuario de Karuna is on Facebook! I will do a separate post with the fundraiser link after I post this morning’s blog. Please help out if you can!

I love you! Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Thank you for being in the healing room with Sherry and I this morning!

I throw my bullshit flag high into the air!!!

Happy Saturday morning everyone! I fucking love you! Thank you for being here!

I know many of you are hurting and I am here to tell you that I see you and I love you. We try, don’t we? We keep scraping ourselves up and getting back up! We keep fighting the good fight. We are here for a purpose. We are here for a reason. This pain is our teacher. This hell is our launchpad into greatness. This is exactly as it should be and we are right where we are meant to be. Only we can change where we are at. If you do not like where you are at in this moment, may I ask you, what are you doing to change it? We stay the same because we are afraid of change. We don’t because we think someone else will. We know better. You are it. You are the one your life is for. Your Dharma…your journey…your growth. This is all about you my friend. Every single bit of it.

We came here and we are here. We only have a little while. We only get one shot here, to give it all we’ve got. Cancer is a mother fucking bitch in the night and she is here to steal your children, your husband, your dad and your sister…your mom and your little brother…your best friend and your lover. Cancer does not give one fuck. Cancer does not give a shit how you saw this all going down. Nor does the final moment before you pull your own trigger. There is no grace…no mercy in these things. No righteousness or rhyme or reason…Suicide does not wait for hope. Suicide cannot call up common fucking sense. Suicide is the final engulfment of all that you fought against, finally taking you over. Suicide is you taking yourself out of pain that we cannot know or judge or understand. We pretend to and yet, we don’t know your heart, your journey, your pain. These are not our things to judge you for. These are things for us to love you through. The heart attack that knew no fucking mercy…the one that took your lover in the night…these are our lessons my friends. These are our launching pads into greatness! Without the one you loved more than you loved your own self, what great things will you do now, with that shattered and beautiful heart of yours? With your pain, who will you help to heal?

The bottle…the pills…the food…the mind fucking thoughts…for today…just for today, can we set these things down? I will rest from mind fucking myself and you set down your bottle. I will consciously stay out of my head today. You eat consciously today. Eat what nourishes you and feeds your soul and that beautiful body of yours. Do not eat to fill up the gaping hole that food will not fill anyway. Eat joyously with friends, in laughter and celebration today! Enjoy every single bite. When you are full, set your fork down and be done. Fill yourself with joy and laughter and happy instead of the things that make you sick at your own sight. The bottle is always going to empty you more than it empties itself. Every single mother fucking time. One after the other, glass after empty glass crashing as you fetch yourself another drink…as your mind gets far away from you and your words trail off into oblivion without you…set the fucking devil down my friends. The demons are in those bottles and they will fuck you up every single time, for they know and care not who you are. They are your fucking void…your empty…your constant reminder that you are wasting your life, yourself, your love and your potential. Every sip…every swig, especially the ones you are lying to yourself about, will rip a little more of you away from you, away from me…away from us. For I won’t be there when you awake to yourself, to hold you and tell you it’s okay…You’re okay. You will wake alone again with your empty bottle and your own lies and you will be ashamed. You will be so ashamed in fact, that you will just keep drinking. You do not feel worthy to be whole, to be present, to be sober…and so you aren’t. I am here to suggest to you that you are more than this. You are so much more than the things that you allow to run your life. Set it down. Just set it down. And no matter who or what or when or where…you do not pick it back up.

I am vegan and I will always be vegan. Eating animals, my friends, is no longer an option for me. Period. I set it down. You did too, for the animals, stop eating them,right? You went vegan and never once looked back. Your life is now dedicated to the animals and you will never eat them again. Why is that? How can you be vegan, just like that, after eating dead flesh and secretions your whole fucking life? You stopped. And yet you cannot stop doing what is killing you? I know. I know. You’re sick. Me too my friend. Me too. Here is the thing, you have the ability to stop. You stopped eating flesh of your friends, simply because it is no longer an option, right? Many of you quit cold turkey, so to speak, didn’t you? For the animals, for compassion…you quit just like that. And yet, for you, you say you are sick and cannot stop drinking? I am going to hurl this bright yellow bullshit flag at you! I am going to bring a rare steak, smothered in dairy to your house, with a picture of our cows, Karuna and Ahimsa, and I am going to ask you to eat that fucking steak. In front of your plate, I am going to place a full glass of water and I am going to ask you to eat your friends and wash it down with something that won’t allow you to “forget” what you just did. This madness…this addiction…this thing you say you can’t control…why do you think so little of yourself my love? If I were presented with a rare steak, a bottle of wine and a glass of water, You will find me on a water fast until I find something else to eat and drink or until I pass away from starvation. Eating my friends and drinking the wine are equally as egregious to my soul. I will not because there is a power higher than myself who reminds me to repeat the serenity prayer until I feel it. To set it down and to thank God for my sobriety, just for today.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone. Set it down and pick yourself up. We are all here waiting for you! We believe in you and we fucking love you! We simply want you to love you too!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

And the Angels came down again…

Good morning everyone! To all of my brave brothers and sisters who struggle in their separation from sobriety and divinity, in the struggle, I fucking love you! I really, really do. Be it alcohol, drugs, pharmaceuticals, food…we all struggle to sober ourselves from the addictions that we have to something. We may even often be addicted to someone or our idea of someone. The struggle is real for each of us.

The angels came down again yesterday and I received amazing and loving and nurturing massage from my beautiful sister and angel, I received acupuncture from an angel from the heavens and my first injection into my sciatic nerves on my left side from yet another angel. This morning, there is a bit of relief and I am so thankful! To everyone who lays hands and hearts on me, thank you for your love. Truly, I love you and appreciate your love so much.

I met my silly friend Sigrid for tea yesterday and I am so blessed to have my silly! We are kindred souls and I love our time together. We are ever the same and I am humbled. Thank you Sigrid, for all things. I love you silly!

My beautiful angel Regina reaches me daily and my heart giggles when I am with her. I love you Regina.

The love of my life and my soulmate, is a constant beacon and my light in the darkness. As I swim upstream, she is my legs and often my breath. As I go under, she is my life preserver. As I woke up feeling better, and she made me the most amazing breakfast again this morning, I thanked God for his grace and his mercy. I love you Tamara. I could not be more blessed. I know I don’t always say it and I sometimes forget to tell you that you are everything to me and I love you with all of my heart. I am so, so, so, so, so….thankful for you my love.

And Prajna held me close last night and nursed my wounds throughout the night. Curled up in me this morning, my best little friend in all of the world, P~Mama!!!!! I love you Prajna Mama! Thank you for how you see me and know me and love me. You are my very own little heart outside my chest and I love you with all of my heart.

Dear God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.

I hope you have a beautiful Friday! I love you!

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic…

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Happy Thursday everyone! I’m not going to lie man. I’m worried about some of you! Truly. I want you to be well more than you do and I do not fucking get it! I see you…your worth, your potential…I see you and you don’t. I love you and you don’t. I want you and you don’t. I value you and you don’t. This has to stop my friends. This has to fucking stop! We cannot save the animals or the voiceless amongst us if we are inaccessible to our own selves, can we? We cannot truly embrace the broken in our midst if we do not right ourselves. We are broken. We are broken and we need to take some down time and mend ourselves. We need to do this now so that we can rise the fuck up! Those beatings you took…I took them too…the words and the disregard…I hear it too. Here’s the thing, those beatings do not define us unless we allow them to. Those words are our fuel and our momentum, if we will just allow them to be. This hell is the platform to launch us into the heavens. Like it or not, we are all we’ve got! We have to take care of us so that we can advocate for them. We must realize how important and instrumental we are in their fight. Before we can begin to do any of this, we must love ourselves as we love them. We must offer ourselves the same compassion that we offer them. We must love one another. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

I come here some days and I just fucking can’t. One too many snickers as I pass by…one too may disappointments because of my own expectations. One too many trash cans slamming down on my fucking head. I just can’t some days. Today though…today, I fucking can and I will. Today, I will come here and write for us all. Today I will talk shit and today I may offend you. I will call you out and call you up. What the fuck are you doing? In the bottom of that fucking bottle, what in the fuck are you doing? Besides lying about it, what are you doing to set it down? Truly…look at you, lying to us and thinking we don’t see right through you. Look at you, lying to you, and fucking buying it. Jesus man, come the fuck up here and let me see that tear-stained face. Lying to me is nothing…I just won’t. Lying to you though…you won’t make it out of this alive if you don’t fucking stop. You are going to lose it all if you do not set that fucking bottle down. Your home, your husband, your car…your job, your wife, your freedom…you are pissing it all away and I cannot help but to stand here and beg you to fucking stop. Those pills you toss in your mouth…you know the ones not prescribed for you…ya you. Look at you. Just fucking look at you. Can you even see you anymore? Because I cannot. I cannot see you anymore. I feel you and I love you and I fucking miss you. Do you miss you? Between the lies and the hiding, the mania and the fallout, that you blame on everyone but yourself, do you miss you? I am here to tell you that your absence is noticed. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

We are all sick. Many of us sicker than others. We all have our vices. We drink. We eat. We smoke. We gamble. We fuck. We fight. We are not so different from each other. We all have our own demons and they fucking come for us, don’t they? When we finally fall too far, they are right there waiting for us, to pull us down and rob us of our own souls. Aren’t you tired of this? Are you not so fucking exhausted by all of this rhetoric? Don’t your lies nauseate you as much as they nauseate the rest of us? Truly…where is your truth man. Your truth. Not mine. Not hers. Not his. Where is your truth. Why are you here? What are you doing with your life? My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

I am not mad at you. I’m not disappointed in you. I just fucking love you so much. It pains me to see you so busted. It kills me to see you hurt. I hate watching you fall apart. I hate seeing the people who love you the very most hurting at your behavior. Truth is, you’re kind of an asshole man. You aren’t thinking of anyone but you. You do not even see the wreckage in your path,do you? This road you’re on…it is not going to end well if you don’t pull yourself together. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Hi. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I am sick like you. My thinking stinks, like yours does. Your stories are triggering the shit out of my own, for I also am an alcoholic. I hate to see you this way and I’m kind of upset with you right now. I’m not going to lie man. I am rooting for you and I fucking love you and it hurts me to the core to feel your pain. I know you’re sick. I’m sick too. I want you to have what I have, and I am so sad that you won’t come with me and get it. I am not PC. I will never be PC. So I’m just saying it how I see and feel it. I mean no disrespect and I’m not trying to step out of bounds. I am not mad. I am just really, really sad that you don’t see you as I see you. I am really sad that you do not love you as I love you. I am really crushed that you don’t love you enough to stop destroying yourself. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. You are my friend and I am worried about you. I love you and I am here for you.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Did I mention that I am home?

Happy Wednesday everyone! Did I mention that I am home?!

I have been away and with some amazing clients, at the home of some of our very dearest friends. I am always so at home there and so welcome there and so loved there. Even when they are away, they love me. They leave me the best vegan goodies! They leave fresh linens and fill the refrigerator of my favorite things! Best clients ever at loving me like a verb. My mom got sick and they flexed so I wouldn’t lose my pay. My mom died and they were at the mortuary for the viewing, the day that my very soul cracked. Every single moment since, and every bottom that fell out, they have loved me so, so much…like a verb, always, in all ways. Janet and William have become our close and dearest friends, our family actually…our chosen family. Being in their home is home also. Home is where you are safe and loved and always welcome. Home is a place prepared. Thank you William and Janet, Teddy, Alice and Penn for being so fucking amazing! Thank you for your love. Thank you for inviting me into your sacred space to love the ones whom you love more than anyone else; while you are away. Thank you for all of your love, like a verb, for your friendship and for believing in me and my work so, so much that we helped to bring Aiden home…and we walked Gypsy and Hannah home and we walk home together. I love you and appreciate you and thank you so much for being such a part of me!

Being away from our home is the best reminder of how blessed I am to have our home to come to. Being away from Tamara is the hardest part of anything I ever do. Seeing her before I fall asleep and watching her wake up…morning coffee and “light” conversation, as I’m learning (Thank you baby) are the best part of waking up….(you know you did it too…”is Folger’s in my cup…”). Seriously though…being away from her always brings me back to her…closer and more sacred…more beautiful and true…more real and honest…more raw and open. I am thankful I feel this way about the most amazing woman in the world! I love you Tamara. Thank you for taking care of everyone while I was away. I know you have been double-timing it for me for a while now. I thank you. I love you. I’m coming home baby! I’m coming home!

Spooning with Rocky and hugging Baby Taos…playing “shake your po po” with Aliah…nestling in Nahko Bear and Mala Bears fur and having Prajna sleep at my heart all night…watching Karma Kitty sleep in front of the fire…because I missed them so, so much. Taking Rocky’s face in my hands this morning and holding him close to me, I realized I missed them all for more than a few days…I miss them all for the time that I have been gone from me. I have seen them and touched them and been so unable to reach them since my Mom got sick. My bottom fell out and I just could not come back up. My bottom had more bottoms and the last bottom to fall out, I sank even lower than my first, and I just could not come back up. Hondo stood before me yesterday and I was with him, and I and so thankful to be back home!

Being away from home, and coming home, almost for the first time since my mom passed away, I got my head above water once again. I am breathing once again. I am home, once again. I haven’t had a breath since my last bottom fell out, when the man I trusted more than anyone, showed himself to be a liar. I finally took a breath, as I pulled into our driveway. Coming home yesterday morning, as the sun began to rise before me, with snow falling all around me, with Tamara’s voice on surround sound in my beautiful FJ, I thanked God for his mercy and for his grace, I shifted up a couple of gears, to get home to my girl. The snow fell softly. Pink blared through the speakers and I sang along, with my little big brother Jamie riding shotgun, queen amongst queens, with all of his heart singing louder than myself…I smiled a huge smile. I began to become myself again, to like myself and love myself again. “What About Us”…we are us! AND we are the best fucking part of us! All of us…we are the best part of us.

My world has been shaken and my PTSD has had her way with me for the last three years. Every time I get back up, I get knocked for a mother fucking loop! I come crashing to the ground and I cannot know how it happened. I am done with this cycle. My last bottom has fallen out. I am done with the drama that spins this fucking circus. I am done with the gas lighting and the bullshit. I am done talking about and consuming myself with the pain that rocked my fucking world. I am moving forward. That’s it. I am done back there, wondering, wishing, hoping. It is what it is. It has always ever been what it is. Nothing changes what it is.

I am an artist and a writer and a mother fucking poet. I have always been these things. I am love. I am learning what that means, to be love, to be loved, like a verb. I am a gifted and very blessed “healer”, although my views on that are that I am not. My hands…me…my words…those flow through me. The healing does not come from Coral and it never has and never will. I am a vessel, a portal, a voice…for the healer himself/herself/yourself/myself to enter in and to do their work. I am so blessed and so grateful and so thankful to be able to be who I am. I am so fucking excited to begin to know who that is! Thank you for being here with me while I figure things out. I love you. Did I mention that I am home?!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!