Good morning everyone! I haven’t slept much yet. Nahko Bear was spayed and had gastropexy surgery yesterday, so we slumbered together in the studio last night. Okay, I wouldn’t call it slumbering necessarily…more like nodding off, spooning, crying and snoozing for a few minutes at a time, to begin again. Nahko finally settled a bit around 1:00am.
What a beautiful and humbling experience, to spend the night with such a beautiful being last night. Seeing her as I’ve seen her, and seeing her as I am seeing her now…very humbling and beautiful. Nahko is the Santuario guardian. Mala and Nahko hate the indoors! They hate, hate, hate being inside. So being indoors with her is pretty hard to come by and I’m going to enjoy every moment with her. Nahko is not quite as thrilled as I am and she is being a good sport and getting some rest. These moments are bringing me home and I am so grateful, thankful and blessed!
My life is my canvas and my opportunity to paint is upon us. Depression has had her way with me for the last few days and I have been a hot fucking mess. The struggle is so real sometimes lately that I cannot lie, I’ve not been sure I would make it through. I’m still not sure I will make it through. I am sure of one thing though, I am going to give it all I’ve got. I am going to do my best to make me better. I am constant prayer and meditation and dousing myself with all of the musical medicine I can handle. I will give it all I’ve got.
My slumber party with Nahko last night gave me a peace that I didn’t know was in me. On the floor, and up on the couch and under the drafting table…anywhere for her to feel my touch and my love. Anything to hear her snore for a few minutes. Anything to silence her cries and to let her know that I would not leave her side. Everything I wanted and didn’t get when I was sick and needing to be held close and reassured that way. I gave her everything I had ever wanted, for giving her what I got was going to be of no comfort to either of us at all. I gave her all that I craved, to fulfill her own craving to be loved and touched. I buried my face in her bear fur and I thanked God for trusting me to care for Nahko last night.
This is how my disorder works sometimes…In a deep depression when I dropped Nahko off at the vet and even more so when I picked her up at the vet, I felt a little overwhelmed at first. I began to convince myself that I could not do it alone. That is when the C-PTSD begins to turn into a spin for me. I start to doubt myself and I get dealt a million reasons why I am insufficient to handle such tasks. As those things began hitting me, I often find myself so bombarded that I cannot cope. Yesterday though, I knew I could do it. Sam is very, very good with puppies and so I called on her to help me to give Nahko Bear the very best care. We did our best and we all worked together and I beat the spin that tried to overtake me. My own uncertainty causes me the most momentum in my spinning, and so I got certain real fast that I could do it. And guess what? We did it! Nahko Bear and Sam and I figured it all out! And with 10-14 days recovery, no running, easy steps…Nahko Bear and I will be living in the studio. We will continue to figure it out because that is how we roll!
Thank you for loving Nahko and I so much this morning. It was a hard day’s night, and one of my most cherished, as I am coming home. Please keep sending her all of your love and prayers for a quick and painless recovery. Please say it with me…”We love you Nahko Bear! Feel better soon!”
Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! Off to nap with Nahko Bear!