Good evening everyone! Nahko and I are here to tell you that we survived the first 24 hours! What an amazing being our girl Nahko is! So powerful and resilient and so, so down and out. Momma Tamara and I have been with her around the clock and we will be with her until she is out of the woods. I miss my girl, and damn we are so blessed to do what we do. A quick kiss in passing as we keep our commitments and love our girl Nahko, through this. Another sleepless night as we hold each other and our babies through their trials and rough patches. A few minutes of slumber here and a couple more there and we could not be more blessed, for we are doing our work in the world.
I have been gone from here. I have been gone from myself, from Tamara and from everyone here at the Sanctuary. Depression has taken me from all of you and had her way with me. Sinking under the current and refusing to stay under, I am here with you now because I will not give in. I will take the hits as long as they keep coming and I will do my best. I will always do my best. My best is all I’ve got and so I give it all I’ve got. You do that too, don’t you? You give it all you have to give it, and then you want more of yourself, don’t you?
Being down here with Nahko and watching her sleep and cry in her sleep…seeing her eyes fade with the pain medication and her light dull under the duress of it all. Watching her stumble to get to me and knowing that not getting to me is simply not an option for her. Yes, I have been blessed for sure. My schedule needed some rearranging anyway! My schedule needed to fill itself with the things truly important to me. Nahko is more important to me than I could possible have known or imagined. I am grateful to learn now, what I have missed in my depression. Depression hurts. Our dogs know. Hondo and the goats know…Tamara knows…depression really does hurt. When we sink below our own horizons, we sink or we swim. We often sink for a long time before floating even becomes an option for us at all. Under the currents of life’s unforgiving thrashing, depression becomes our abyss. The depths of that abyss for me, often know no bounds. The past two days, she almost took me down too far to come back up again. So, it is with a thankful heart that I write this evening to tell you all that I made it. We battled it out but good this time and we raged on and on and on…
For those of you who struggle with depression, I send you all of my love, as I know this battle all to well. In our home depression did not exist. I believe with all of my heart that cancer just took my mom before the undiagnosed depression could. Just like cancer and piece by piece…depression destroys lives. I could have “FUCK DEPRESSION” tattooed right under the “FUCK CANCER” on the back of my head. I think I am almost out of fucks though…truly, almost out of fucks, for fucks sake.
As my life unrails to level itself a bit, I am thankful for a break from the depression that almost took me. FUCK DEPRESSION. Nahko and I will be spending our next few days Healing and coming back to life. Depression hurts. Surgery hurts. We hurt and we are here to get well.
Have a beautiful Friday evening and be safe! I love you.