Good morning everyone! Day seven of sleeping in the baby bear den with Nahko Bear, and we are doing good. Last night was tough. Nahko just cried and cried and cried for her sissy. Mala Bear cried and cried and cried for her sissy too. Enya could not drown the cries and I was crying too. Depression is really fucking with me lately. All three of us in a pretty sad state. We made it through though and we are better this morning. In case you didn’t know already, depression fucking hurts.
I won’t lie. Depression is the fucking devil! Seriously, this torture knows no bounds and has no fucking rules. There are no in and out of bounds…no safety areas. All of this terrain is fucking dangerous as hell. There are no tour guides anywhere, no maps and no where to fucking rest before the next mountain. Depression, for those of you who have never suffered with it, is a horror that words cannot do justice. Depression is the one thing in my world that has ever threatened to take me completely out. Depression has no rules and recognizes nothing about decorum or fair play. There are no time outs or do overs. When depression fucks you, you are fucked. Period. I, my friends, am in the deep throws of depression. I am deep in and stuck. I am over my head and running out of the strength that I need to tread water in this fucking abyss. Depression hurts. For those of you who suffer with depression, all of my love. All of my love. For I know the depths of this place and I know the difficulty getting out. The darkness and the silence and the screaming without noise. The never ending time that crawls barely by. The waiting for God knows what and the despair when nothing happens. The stench of your own stink, which smells okay to you. The lines on your face from pressing your face so fucking far into the covers, just trying to disappear somewhere. I feel you. I want you to know that I’m sorry you hurt this way. I really am sorry that you hurt this way. Depression hurts.
There are so many things that we do not see or know about depression. The main thing we do not know about depression, in my opinion, is it’s depths. We cannot know until we fall in, and even then, without meeting our bottom, we don’t know how deep we are, do we? Looking up though, it really doesn’t matter where the fucking bottom is anyway. More concerning is the inability to get the fuck out. More troubling than the bottomless bottom of depression, is the faces and hands and hearts at the top that you simply cannot reach or feel or hear from down here. Depression hurts. Do you want to know what hurts more than depression? The medications for depression. Every single medication they have put me on for depression, has seriously made me want to kill my self in short fucking order, and so I am not diagnosed or medicated for depression, so to speak. Many of us are not diagnosed. Many of us were not allowed to be depressed when we were growing up. Depression didn’t exist in our home. Only it did. Depression took my mom from us way before the cancer took her. Days on end in her room with the door closed…mood swings and complete silence…irritability and intolerance…depression was real in our house…never fucking acknowledged or talked about and more real than the shit we did talk about. Depression hurts. My mother was undiagnosed and untreated for her depression, for her entire life. As her child who survived her depression, I will say again that depression fucking hurts. Depression sure as hell hurts the people in my life who cannot reach me. Depression keeps us from the love we need and holds us hostage in a cell we can’t fucking break out of. Depression hurts.
Why would I write about something that hurts so badly? Why am I not out there getting cured? I am done looking for cures. Done and fucking done looking to find what will save me. The search has been long and I am weary. No more meds. No more fucking mind numbing medication, to trick my mind into thinking it’s not depressed. Fuck! Seriously, I don’t know the actual statistics…I’m guessing if they were accurate though, depression takes more of us than anything else. Depression seems to be the one thing that can grab me and pull me under the quickest…the most relentless and the roughest and most unforgiving. Depression fucking hurts.
My writing has suffered lately. I don’t want to write about fucking depression. I don’t want to fucking write about what is depressing me. There is so much right now…so, so much right now that I have no words for. Nahko and Mala are so depressed because they miss each other so, so much. Their little hearts are literally broken at being away from each other. Little baby bears crying for each other, refusing to eat…I am a little baby bear too and I miss the people I grew up with too. I miss my mom and dad. I miss my little brother. I miss who the fuck I thought I was. I cry and cry and cry for them in my baby bear den, and they don’t come and so I cry some more. So when Nahko cries for her sissy, I try to crawl in her den and hold her through it. All I know to do for Nahko is everything I would have wanted someone who loved me to do for me, and so that is what I do. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and so I just do my best. Depression hurts.
My name is Coral and I am struggling with depression. If you are in my life, right now, could you please refrain from hurting me. I do not have the coping skills to deal with your insensitivity. I do not have what I need right now to not take you and your actions personally. I do not have the skill set to separate myself from you and your bullshit as it piles up on top of me. I do not have a good judge of character right now, for I am battling my own. So, if you are in my life and you are someone who loves me, please be gentle with me right now. If you do hurtful shit to me, I am going to be hurt. And if I may, be blatantly honest with you, I have enough of my own shit and my own hurt…my own addiction and my own issues right now. I won’t deal with you and yours if you cannot be kind and considerate to me. I don’t give a fuck who you are to me, if you cannot be kind to me right now, please stay far away from me. If you feel the need to be exclusive or to leave people out, you can count me out, because I won’t kill myself over the pain of not being included. My whole life is full of this pain and I’m done with the drama. Anytime you only include certain people, you exclude everyone else and I want nothing at all to do with being hurt like I was in elementary school…being picked last for teams or not at all…Ya, I am done and fucking done feeling like I don’t make your cut…like I’m not good enough for your team. Depression hurts and being excluded just pushes me further into the abyss. We are here to walk each other home, not just the ones who walk well by themselves. For fucks sake man, we are here to lift up the broken and to assist the weak…we are not only the underdog…we are here for the underdogs. In my depression, seeing others excluded in any way, just cracks me a bit wider open. Depression fucking hurts.
Another thing about depression for me is that I climb out of mine to help you with yours. Being of service and out of me is what keeps me going. I have always been this way. No matter how deep down I am, if you need me, I will rise. Nahko Bear needs me and I rise to the occasion. For now though, Nahko takes it. Mala takes it. Everyone else will have to handle their own shit for a while, as I am over my limit. If you have hurt me recently, you probably will not hear from me for a while. I am in a very self-protective mode right now and I have nothing left. I am very hurt and I am shut the fuck down. I will not endure your drama while I am struggling to sustain my own life. I will not reach out to save you when I am finding it difficult to swim. Depression hurts and she has her claws in me right now.
I haven’t written because the truth of this is hard for me to put out there. Depression did not exist in our home and yet she has turned my fucking life upside down. I have not written because depression often leaves me literally speechless. I didn’t want to worry you is another reason I haven’t written about this. I know you love me and I don’t want you to worry about me. I’m still here, fighting the good fight. I’m still giving it all I’ve got. I will do this as long as I am able. I just wanted you to know where I have really been. I have been here, in my depression, watching all of you from the sidelines, so to speak. Your actions hurt me. Watching you wreck your life is too much for me right now and so I stand down. Watching you exclude others and be insensitive and unkind…truthfully, I just can’t. Depression has me by the ovaries I no longer have and I am under the current. If you cannot be loving and kind and nurturing to me right now, please kindly stay away from me. If you are too busy being negative and hating others, please count me out. I don’t need one more fucking thing to bring me down. Your politics and your judgement…your criticism and your entitlement to be a horrid fucking human being because you hate our fucking President…I am fucking done. Donald Trump May not be my cup of tea…he is a human being though and I pray for him every single day. I sure as fuck do not wish for that man to fail. I will not sit here and listen and watch while you attack him. Help by praying for him…or by keeping your judgement and ignorance to yourself. Be considerate and be kind or shut the fuck up. Your rhetoric is doing nothing to help anything. Truly…what is being helped by all of the negativity you are conjuring up? What is being improved by your jokes and your attacks and your rhetoric about the president of the United States? Not one thing is being improved. In fact, you are demonstrating that you can’t beat him so you would rather join him. Enough already…just shut the fuck up about it and go do something productive. We are living in hate and fear and judgement and this girls little heart has just had too much. My name is Coral and depression hurts.
I am crawling back into the baby bear den with Nahko for the day. Please be kind to each other today. All of the ugly is killing me. All of the ugly is killing you. We are here to walk each other home, even the man in the oval office, fuck, especially the man making all of the decisions for us. Wake up people. Wake the fuck up. Being an exclusive asshole will only exclude and make assholes. Have a beautiful day. Be kind or be quiet. I love you. My name is Coral and depression hurts.