Happy Thursday everyone! I struggle to come here lately, for I can’t write about things I am coming to know. I go blank and into a trance sitting here. I sit here, in the worst betrayal of my life. I cannot not know, what I have come to know. I cannot not feel what I have come to feel. I will not speak of it, for it doesn’t deserve my breath. I needed something to end this for me…to allow me onto my own path…to let me accept that I’ve been discarded, yet again. I needed to see the faces behind those hurtful hands. I needed to connect my dots, to be able to put the pieces Of my story together. I needed confirmation, in my debilitating doubt, that this truly could come from someone whom I truly never saw it coming from. I needed to see something that I could not doubt. I needed to fucking tell someone. I needed something to give me permission to walk away. My needs have been met.
I am thankful, grateful and blessed. I am in abundant gratitude, for I now have what I needed and did not have, to give myself permission to be done. Done, as in…done. No turning back. No changing my mind. No attempt to convince myself that I am a liar. No anger. No regret. No real pain…not like one would imagine. A dull pain that will render a piece of my very soul, forever a little bit sad. Nothing I can’t handle. Prayers answered. Pieces moved into place to allow my wholeness. Undeniable, inarguable …relentless and yet freeing…painful from my corner up in the sky, watching from outside my own body, for the last time…clarity in an ugly little package, dropped more so than delivered, onto my lap, as an answered prayer, of the most divine and fucked up kind. So, in this ambiguity, I rest and find my own peace, as the pieces fall gently into place. There is not pain here, for only the quiet remains now. The pain and rage and hate and hurt and blame have all gone from me. I am left with complete indifference. I am content in knowing. I am okay, I am always okay. I am not defined by things I once allowed myself to be defined by. I am merely the product of the environment I was born into. I am not that which defiled me. I am from that. I am not that. I remove the guilt and the blame, the shame and the terror of it all, for it holds me no more. I am thankful, on my knees thankful, for the release I’ve come to know, in knowing what I couldn’t know.
Life becomes me, you know. Radiance and sunlight. Beauty, she becomes me. Smiles in the midst of dark storms…they ignite me. Love, she never left me. God, well, she is in me, and I in him, for I am God.God is me. I have come to understand the thing which I set out to know. I am whole with the knowing. I am complete in forgiveness. I am not wrong. I am not right. Neither wrong nor right actually exist. In their duality, they confuse us. In their sameness, we become one with ourselves. For oneness with myself, I am content and grateful.
I hope you have a beautiful day. This is all I’ve got right now. I love you.