Dementia was the culprit that began to unravel me. Thoughts and ideas fell out of place and order when that diagnosis came. Frustrations ran high and doubt crept in. How could I do me? How was I to finish my work without my mind? Dementia was the beginning of my end here. Dementia took everything from me that sustained my work here. When my angel took my dementia, I began my journey home. When I could remember how to begin to let go of this life, I knew dementia had lost her grip on me.
The kidneys…the renal failure. You would think it was the biggest factor. Actually, without the extra energy needed to fuel my bowel and my kidneys, my body slowly shutting down, I am able to get to this business of dying. I won’t die when or how they say I will. I will die when all of my puzzles have resolved themselves. I will go when I know for certain that you are okay. I’m in no hurry to leave. I’m in no hurry to stay. Lying here dying, I am so aware of how I lived. Lying here in a body that literally cannot move or help itself, I am resolving my life before I go from here. The frown and the wrinkled brow…all me working things out in here, before I blow this pop stand once and for all. The tears are subtle releases of the pieces of me that no longer serve. There is no pain. There is no way out. There is only this now. People will tell you how to die, just like they told you how to live. Both feelings are equally as intriguing. All of my best laid plans for how I lived my life, are the very tools I am using now, to let this life leave me. This breath and these shallow heartbeats will only sustain me for so long. My body is wrecked and I will not walk out of this. My legs are my wings now. My angel has not placed them on my back just yet, my wings are perfect and ready…lying in wait for my launch from this broken body. I’m dying, and I am at peace. Dying here is the only way to be born again to my purpose beyond.
I was sent here to bring two girls. I was asked to study the stars and the planets and their stories and to share as much as I could of my knowledge. I have done this. My knowledge fountain runs dry here and so I quest for new knowledge and flowing fountains ahead of me.
I lie in wait for my own release. Until then though, I savor this time with you.
Tam, I watch you, so composed and compiled and diligent. Tiffany, so welcoming and wonderful to bring me home to die. I love your home my girl. You did nice for yourself. It’s you, you know, this place. The light…the space, the openness…I love your house and I am so proud of you. Tamarack, so strong and brute with force to hold us all together. You don’t have to my sweet. You don’t have to hold us together. We aren’t falling apart. I am just traveling to all of the places I told you I would go. Picture postcards will bombard your heart of my new travails. I am watching you. You inspire me. I watch you prepare the space within yourself for the gifts I will return with. You doubt not my return. I doubt not yours either my sweet.
Dennis, oh sweet, sweet Dennis. Strumming me home softly. Sleeping by my side. Holding my hand. Loving me home. You beautiful man. You beautiful, beautiful man. Our life contracts have tested us and tainted us…wrecked us and built us…and in the end, you sign your contract with my life…the promise that you will not leave my side, that I will not die alone. Dennis, when you’re dying, you just have no idea how much it means to know you will not die alone. Thank you for putting that peace in my mind as I leave here without you guys.
My family. My little family. The one I knew and willed to be here, more than I willed my own self to stay. My body did not support this dream and so I rebuilt my body. My body was ill equipped and so I tore it down and built my own. This body, the only body that could, bring my girls here, to do their work. I built this body to fulfill my own dharma.
And I know you are all laying in wait, for my breath to cease and for my peace to come. I know you cannot know how I am still here. I am still here because I am Robin. I make and play by my own rules and death cannot change that. Death does not get to write my rules. Death does not get to alter the way of things. The way of things and the way they play out…that is still up to me. I will drop to three beats a minute and 6 breaths and my body will keep going. I will go when it’s all gone. I will stay until then. I did not spend 67 years feeling this all out to jump out of my body at first chance. You do know me better, don’t you? I play by My rules and I shall die by them too. It is my dharma to ride this all the way out.
Do not worry or fear or cry too hard. I won’t be too far away. I will still blow my breath on your neck and rain gently on your cheeks. I will shine down on you and lie with you…I will hold you and carry you always. I hear you. I will never not see you, even with my eyes closed.
I rest now, for my journey is eminent. The rainbow bridge is all lit up and everyone is gathering round. Aiden has my hand in his paw and he is taking me as far as Teddy. Teddy and Duncan are standing by, for they just took this walk. They are coming to walk me home. Behind Teddy and Duncan, oh my glorious God, everyone I have ever loved before. Mama…Ma…it’s glorious! It’s so glorious…