Good morning everyone. The struggle is real and has been real for me for a while now. I think I finally broke down and began to release that which I have held. I am in a sad and lost and lonely place and I find myself needing your love your prayers. Somehow, I feel that I have been pretty disposable to those that I care the most deeply for. The pain of this, throughout my lifetime, has taken a significant toll on me. I find myself wanting to be much more selective of the people and the places that I am in. I want to feel safe and loved and important. I want to be listened to and heard and acknowledged. I don’t want to be cut off and ignored and spoken over. I don’t want my stories to bore you. I don’t need my accomplishments to impress you. I am not trying to impress you, and yet, I am tired of the amazing work being less than significant because you aren’t impressed. I think I finally just hit a wall with people being fucking shitty to me, disregarding me and treating me less than. It’s bad enough when I go out into public, the way I am often treated. In my inner sanctum though…in my personal life…if I’m not for you, please cut me loose. I have no desire to be or stay or go where I am not embraced and welcomed and considered. I fight for animal rights in a world that annihilates human beings and calls themselves compassionate. Saving The animals while destroying the humans…what a way to change your world. Just blow them out of the fucking water if they don’t act and think and feel and exist as you do. If that doesn’t work, just ignore them and talk over them constantly, until they finally give up speaking at all. Since you’ve got it all figured out, of course you should lay down the law for the rest of us. Utter fucking bullshit…truly. Who in the fuck do we think we are dictating and controlling other human beings? Programming other people to think like we think, and discouraging them thinking for themselves at all…who the fuck are we?
This depression that I am drowning in…this pain that is ripping me into shreds…this relentless inadequacy…and the repeated tastes of rejection and not being chosen for the team…man, I am so fucking over it…so fucking over it. I thought we were all on the same fucking team. I’ll tell you what though…after all of this, I’m going to start my own fucking team. My team will allow everyone play. I don’t want to be on either of your fucking teams, and so although not being chosen cuts me a lot…I thank you for sparing me more pain by picking me for your team.
In a world where no one has to do what I say because you always know better, I am going to tell you to sit your ass down and shut your fucking mouth because you do not know what is best for me. You do not even fucking listen to me, so how would you know what is best for me? My mom constantly treated me like this and I have attracted similar people into my life and inner sanctum because of this fucked up patterning. I don’t give a fuck who you are, if you need to edit me and hush me and shush me…maybe you don’t need to be around me at all. I do not need a fucking mother and mine is dead, so if we could square this up, for once and for all, I would greatly appreciate it. I have no fucking parents. Do not fucking parent me. Am I clear? Seriously, work on yourself and stop worrying about how you think others see me when I speak or curse or cry or lose my fucking shit. They see me as I fucking am…real and authentic and a hot fucking mess. If you don’t like what you see, stop looking at me. My whole fucking life I have been shushed and corrected and edited…what in the actual fuck?! Fuck all of you guys! Truly, fuck you for thinking you’ve the right to tell me and everyone else, by telling me in front of everyone else, who I am and who the fuck to be. Fuck you for telling me not to curse and to keep my voice down and to watch how and what I say. Who the fuck are you? Truly, who in he fuck are all of you, so worried about editing me? For the constructive feedback from some of you, I am always appreciative and eternally grateful, as I do still need some parenting with certain things I missed along the way. This is not what I speak of and those of you that I am speaking of, including my own mother in heaven, know who you are. All I am saying is back the fuck off man! Back the fuck off and let me be myself. Stop telling me who I am and editing me into your comfort zone. I do not fucking live or exist in your comfort zone. Trying to do so has made me terribly depressed and uncomfortable. Trying to be in your comfort zone has blown me completely out of my own and so I am done doing that. Done and fucking done doing that. Wouldn’t it benefit us all to be done living in other peoples comforts zones? I believe it would do us all some good indeed.
In my life, I am learning that any blame I have toward someone else…anytime I find myself blaming someone else, I had best get ready for some learning of my own.
As Nahko reminds me…”Give me one of them harder lessons…lay me down.” So, to those of you who I have blamed for throwing me life’s most difficult blows…thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for making me better. For those of you who took it a step further, and did so lovingly, thank you for your mercy.
“Every day in every way, I am getting better and better.” I am so fucking thankful for that! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. Let’s go out there and be better than we were yesterday, shall we?