Happy Friday everyone. I’ve been in a difficult and strange place lately. So much fucking pain that I cannot even see straight. The overwhelm and the hurt of it all are very, very real for me and I struggle. This morning hit me before I even got out of bed and so I ask for your love. Too much pain to keep at bay and too many tears to hold in, and so I sit in prayer.
I often feel that I do not belong here. I don’t feel that I have ever belonged here. Something in my heart is way before her time here. Being here at all is so excruciating and painful for me. I really am bringing my inner sanctum in pretty close, as I just can’t take another hit right now. Being empathic to the degree that I am, has opened me up pretty wide, and so I am bringing that back in a bit. I am in a definite space of feeling very open, vulnerable and unprotected, especially when it comes to the people in my life. I know that hurt people hurt people, as I am a hurt people who has hurt people. So, I’ve no ill feelings really, just too many feelings about shit that other people don’t give a shit about. Too deep possibly and yet so fucking unable to swim for long in the shallow…I find myself out here alone a lot. Right now, out here, I feel like I’m treading water and I am so, so tired. I have anchored myself to people, places and things that have not anchored themselves to me. I have held on long after others have let go. I continue to love when others turn away in hate. This patterning is not working for me and so I am doing away with it. The only people I want in my life…the only ones at all, are the people who want to be here. Everyone else is free to go. In fact, the door is open and ready for your exit. I will repeat, if you don’t want to be here, the door is open for you to go. I hold no one here anymore. I need no one who wants to be elsewhere, to be here with me. Being in the presence of people who haven’t wanted me is the worst feeling and I won’t keep feeling this way. I am not for everyone and that’s okay. If I’m not for you, that’s okay too. Please just cut me loose, so I can be free from your obligatory nonsense. You’ve no obligation to me. You owe me nothing. Please go if you find yourself in the wrong space. Please leave if you’re not happy here. Please allow yourself to find what you are searching for. For the sake of us both…for the sake of us all…if I’m not for you, just say so and move on. That would help me a lot…truly…to just not be confused so much…to not hurt and wonder so much…if you’re in the wrong place, it’s okay…the door is open to find your just right place. For both of us…let us really look at this…and see if we belong in common space. Have we already shared our journey and now we move on alone? Are we just beginning our journey with new ground rules? Do we even have a journey together at all? Any of all of these scenarios is okay. I’m just no longer okay being here for everyone and not feeling as though I’ve the same luxury of having you here for me. Selfish maybe. Life preserving…definitely. I cannot continue as I’ve been. I cannot stay where I do not belong. I deserve, as much as anyone else, to be loved like a verb, by the people I share myself and my life with. I am calling that up now and I am going to take seriously and to heart, the ones who want to be here with me. The rest, I will cut loose. The rest, I will let go. I must never again feel as I feel now. I must never again, allow myself to beg for love and acceptance in my life. I must never again stay after the others have left. I must not cry anymore for your choices and so I honor your choices and I stand firm in my own choices. I, as much as anyone, deserve my love and affection. I cannot love me how I want and need to be loved, while I am accepting less than all of your love.
We are so fucking rigid and calloused and broken. We are so fucking hurt and protective of ourselves. At the end of the day, don’t we all want the same things? Do we not all want to be loved and accepted and encouraged? Don’t we all just want to be enough? Don’t we all want to not be too much? Don’t we each deserve to be those things? I believe that we all deserve to be loved like a verb. In many spaces in my life, I am not being loved like a verb. I am here to say that I am not okay with that. I am here to love and to be loved like a verb. Every other thing in my life is just a bonus. I came here to love us home. I did not come here to see how loveless my life could possibly be. I’ve seen that as clear as day and I am here to see something and to feel something more.
My struggle…your struggle…our struggles are real. Our lives are full of challenges. Our hearts are full of pain. Our heads are full of nonsense. We are full of ourselves. We walk this earth like we can actually hide who we are…and we cannot. We have convinced ourselves that we have gotten away with the things we have done in the dark, as we stand here basking in the light. We pretend that we didn’t hurt and destroy the people we hurt and destroyed, simply because we don’t have to own anything. We have no accountability and fill ourselves with blame and we wonder why we are so fucked up. We have old and tired and outdated and faulty programming. We learned it wrong. We were handled without love and care and so we do not love or care. May I ask you something? Is this the world you want to live in? A world absent of you and your love?
My sadness runs deep. My heart is crushed. My throat cannot hold these tears back any longer. All of the people I have loved the very most in my life have not loved me the most. I have had to accept their love, that I have never been able to feel, and to make my world without it. I have done my best and yet, I wander sometimes, aimlessly around looking for Love I’ve never known. I never thought about it much, until it’s all I think about at all…where is the love? Where in your life, in your world, in your relationships, is the love? Are you the love or are you riding high on the love of someone else? Are you the love or are you the love robber, because you cannot find it within yourself…you constantly rob others of their love? Are you the one always sought after and then eventually discarded? Or are you the one running around picking up all the best treats and eating what you want, before throwing the rest away. Did you ever stop to think that what you actually threw away, was the very best part of me? Did you ever consider that the bites you have taken out of me have only strengthened my resolve to be and feel and share my love more? You have showed us all how much the world needs the love from me that you threw away. You have demonstrated that my love cannot save you because you’ve no true love of your own. I must learn to accept this and stop diving in deeper, just to make you feel my love. I must disconnect the programming in me that allows others to take my love without leaving their love. I must rewire myself to give and accept love in ways that grow and fill me up. I must set down all the rest and know that it’s not mine to carry.
This morning I woke in pain at the world I live in. I woke with a lump in my throat for the pain of lost love in my own life. I woke heartbroken and disappointed, broken down and unmotivated, to keep up the rhetoric, of rallying love from loveless people. I just feel sad that my love has never been enough. And so today, I begin again and I teach myself how to be who I want to be in this world. I begin to love the way I want to be loved and no longer the way I have been loved. I teach myself who I am by being who I want to be. Inside I am screaming and outside I am crying, as I try to make sense of the place that I am in.
I send you each, all of my love today. I know that the struggle is real for you too. Maybe today, we can all be a little kinder, a little softer, a little more gentle, for each of us is fighting a battle within us that no one else knows anything about. Be kind. Be love.