Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday! I know the healing room has not been very healing lately. I am sorry for that. I have definitely been struggling. The struggle is real and raging and I’ve been unable to come here as I like to. I’ve been unable to find my words and to offer inspiration. I have fallen into despair and I’ve been unable to get back up. I love you and I thank you for holding space for me when I cannot even find myself. I thank you for loving me and for praying for me and for helping me through this abyss. My life can be summed up in three words right now…it’s a trip! Thank you for being on this trip with me. I feel you and I appreciate your love. Thank you.
For those of you who left my trip, thank you also. Truly, thank you. Your leaving and staying gone is becoming closure of its own. Your absence has been noticed and my heart has been broken. Your staying gone is your choice and I’ve no desire or need to change that anymore. The hurt of it all…well that’s a different story. That is why the struggle is so real for me…that is why I hurt so badly all the time. I’m looking for closure in your departure. That’s not my closure to have. You left and I’m looking for closure…and I struggle terribly without it. And yet, your leaving and choosing to stay gone, that is closure enough. Seems clear enough and obvious enough that you are where you want to be and so I wish you happiness and health and love. For me…I begin to allow your leaving to be my cue to arrive. Without you…without all of you trying to change me to suit you…I can finally begin to open and be myself. This closure of my past and this acceptance that my family up and walked away when my mom died….well, this shall be my new beginning. How to have a family my whole life and to go on without them now, I’ve absolutely no idea, and yet I’m doing it. Look at me…breathing and shit! Look at you…breathing and shit! The illusion of having them my whole life has finally been broken and I don’t have to be where I’m not loved and wanted anymore. For this I am so thankful. I don’t have to stumble around in my addiction anymore, searching for love that never fucking existed at all. I have to allow myself the reprieve and relief of being free from the pain. And yet, I am so debilitated by the hurt of losing something I never even fucking had. So…the struggle is real and my heart hurts and my body took a pretty hard blow to the head…and well, life has been a bit rough for me as of late. The head injury and the scare around that…the physical pain and the struggle…all very real and front and center in my life, for a few months now. Thank you for carrying and loving me through all of my pain. Thank you.
I know many of you are hurting too and so I want to send you all of my love. I feel you, even though I cannot reach you. I love you, even though I may not call and tell you. You matter to me, even though I haven’t been able to reach out to you and say so. I am stuck in here, looking for my courage and my will to live again. I have been in here, loving you so much, unable to stop hurting for being so unloved by those whom I called my own. Something broke when I lost my Dad and I have not been okay. Losing my mom to death is not okay either, and yet I know that she cannot be reached from where I stand. And that is how my day began…
And so at 5:00pm, I close in gratitude for some time with my girl today, for my health and my life. I love you everyone. Have a beautiful evening!