Good early morning. I have been laying here a long time with all of these thoughts and feelings. I can’t sleep. I can’t shut my mind down. So much that needs to be figured out…and I with all of the wrong tools, no practical solutions and all of this self-pity. I have definitely lost myself and my way in so many things in my life. The pitch blackness of the early morning all around me reminds me how alone I really am in this moment and tears roll down my cheeks. Everything just hurts. Everything hurts me right now.
I am sorry that I am so stuck here…so lost here and so sad here. I really am sorry I am as I am and that I feel as I feel. Nothing seems to shift the abyss from me or me from the abyss that has become my life.
I could give reasons for these feelings and it wouldn’t matter anyway. I’ve apparently lost my ability to find my way again. My life has blown out and the damage left behind is of epic proportions. My mom getting sick just blew me the fuck out. Everything since then has just taken pieces out of who I thought I was and chunks out of who I’m trying to become. I have no idea where I came from or who the fuck I am. I look around me and I have absolutely no fucking idea what happened to me and to my life.
I am just an ungrateful piece of shit who had a silver spoon ripped from her mouth and now can’t cope very well at all. I’m not homeless. I’m not drug addicted. I’m not a single mom or a widow. I’m just lost. I just landed in an era that I don’t belong in or understand at all, with a bunch of people who I seem to repel more than I attract into my life.
As a child, at recess, I was a fucking freak. I sat at the far corner of the playground, looking at the fence and talking to the bugs and the birds and the cats and the dogs. I didn’t ever fit in with those kids. I couldn’t talk like those kids and be like those kids. I was awkward and stupid and retarded and a loser. A loner and a misfit…that has always been me. I’ve prayed more than you can imagine for this to not be so and for me to not be as I am. I hated being so invisible and yet, my invisibility is probably what kept me around at all. I don’t like to remember this and I hate to talk to you about it. It feels embarrassing to me, to tell you who I am and how I’ve lived my life in the dark shadows of others. As I sit here this morning, I realize that I am that same awkward misfit. I am still not the brightest and I seem to do better alone than with others. I never learned how to be with other people. I couldn’t talk with the other girls in school about my life. I still can’t…not really. Talking about where I’ve come from only isolates me more and dwindles down my friend list. Trying to hang on to my family, in some way, in any way…well, that also didn’t work and so after four and a half decades, I finally accept that they left a long time ago. Abused and battered and sexually exploited…I survived all of it, just to be here alone, unable to escape the hell of the remembrances. Relationships come and go for me because I never learned how to communicate or to work stuff out too well. I was told how and what to do and there wasn’t room for anything else. Now, as I try to figure out who I am and where to go and what to do, I’ve no tools for that. I’ve no support for that. I’ve just the overwhelming and excruciating pain of a life lived completely in vain. A wasted and completely worthless life, full of abuse and yelling and berating that most people cannot fathom…and I sit here finally realizing that I really am not for anyone. I never have been. I’ve always just tried to fit in somewhere, to be obvious to no one, while I knelt down and prayed to just be loved for who I am. Those prayers going up, right next to my prayers of long ago, that God just give me a penis, so I could be normal and love girls like the boys did. I never got my penis and I never stopped loving the girls. I don’t know who the fuck I am…and so loving me for who I am is a shot in the dark at best. Who knows who the fuck I am?
I was Sherry and Fred’s daughter and I’m not anymore…not really. I didn’t know I could ever lose my mom and dad. No one told me this could happen to me. I stand here bewildered because I just didn’t know and now I just can’t know anything different.
This blog…what a fucking train wreck…truly…I can’t even fucking write. The serenity prayer is the best writing I’ve done in months. I promised to be here every day and I am…I’m just really struggling to be here at all. The healing room isn’t so healing for me right now. The love around me eludes me and I sit here just falling apart this morning. In all of this pain and in all of this despair and hopelessness, I have no doubt, lost my way.
One too many beatings…one too many dark nights hiding to stay alive. One too many mean and angry words…one too many times begging for love..all of it is just a bit more than I can cope with right now. The pain has finally taken over and I sit here in the darkness, praying the light doesn’t come. The only way my world has ever made sense to me is in the dark shadows of someone else. Everyone else is gone and the only shadow left is mine and I don’t recognize her at all.
So, I came and wrote and I save the rest because who needs to hear any more of this shit this morning? It matters not anyway, as this is who I’ve come to be, as I learn who I have been and where I came from. As my world crashes all around me this morning, I just sit here and cry. It hurts worse than ever before and not at all, all at the same time. I have been blown out of the water and I have lost my way. On this day, it’s a bit much and so I crawl back under the covers and pray I never have re-emerge. This pain is too much for me today. This reality is too hard today. This girl hit a wall and could use your love and prayers. You’re probably pretty tired of praying for me. I’m sorry…I really am. I don’t know what else to do, and so I ask for your love and prayers while I find my way. I hope you have a beautiful day today. I’m signing off now, as I’ve nothing much left to say. I love you. I’m sorry I’m so sad and broken down. I really am so sorry that I can’t seem to get back up for any sustainable period of time.