Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday. I hope your week is beautiful so far! I feel very blessed and grateful for my week so far! Much healing and reflection and I am so thankful!
Looking out there at all of you, I feel your struggles and your amazing strength and resilience, I know I must keep forging ahead. I know I mustn’t give up or give in. We are rounding the corner to love and greatness my friends…we must hang tight and hold one to one another. We are way too close and we have come way too far to give up now, haven’t we?
We all need to know something really that is really hard to know. I am just learning this and I want to pass it on to all of you right away. All of these years and I’ve known and not known this all at the same time. Everything you dislike in me and all that I dislike in you…that is our mirror of all that we hate and dislike in ourselves. That is really all that is. My irritation with you is my mirror to my own inadequacies and my own unresolved frustrations. What I beat the shit out of you for…that is, in actuality, me battling me. We are not at war with one another. We have waged this war on ourselves. We are destroying ourselves my friends, with all the things we hate and cannot fix in ourselves. “Principals before personalities”…it’s is a daily reminder in AA…and it’s becoming a daily practice for me. All that we cannot stand in someone else…it’s simply our mirror in to our own depth. At a superficial level, we all seem to be pretty likable. It is the depths of us that have sickened and weakened us and made us ill. Our illness is our inability to see that we are really the only one in our own way. We vomit our depths out there pretty subconsciously a lot of the time, all over the people whom we love and cherish the most. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.
Forty five years of learning and I am coming to know things I have never considered, in the loving rooms of AA. I am humble and ashamed and embarrassed, all at the same time, at the things that I don’t know. Truly…basic stuff…I haven’t known it. Worse still is that I didn’t know that I didn’t know it. In the rooms, there is a book and this book has some basics in it that we have all missed out on. I am beginning to read this book with my fellows, in the rooms of AA. As I sip the best cup of coffee in the most important chair in my world right now, I really am humble at what I am coming to know. You know that I’m going to share, what I’m coming to know, with all of you, right? I mean, what kind of asshole would I be if I kept all of this glory to myself, right?
My reason for beginning this blog a couple of years ago was to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. All of my thoughts and feelings and trauma and pain…I came here to deal with the sudden and lifelong illness of my mom and then her death. I came here because all of that, all of everything around that beautiful woman, caused me so much fucking pain. Truly, you’ve no idea the tides of the pain and the enormity of loss…the knowing and inability to not know…the waves and the crashing about of my container and my existence, in my journey after the death of my mom. Losing ones mom is no fucking joke. Truly…no matter who the fuck you are or who your mom is or is not to you…you will never know a pain like losing the woman who carried you in. You will hurt in ways unimaginable until you are graced with such loss…And you will come to know now what you will never not know, ever again, when her heart stops beating, that you are alone in ways you could not have fathomed. You will be transformed and transported and hurled into hells you never thought existed, at least not for you, as you reach for her and can no longer touch her. You will return to infancy and you will cry and wail and scream as your heart shatters. You will do these things….some of them and maybe all of them, and so many more things, when your mom leaves this world, that will make no fucking sense to you at all. Sense will leave you completely as you shatter into shards, when your mom dies. Whether you love her or you hate her, and whether you knew her or you didn’t…whether she held you or punted you and regardless of how you think you know you will feel…it all goes straight to hell in a hand basket, when your mom dies. Don’t take my word for it. Hell, I didn’t take your word for it, did I? We cannot take each other’s words for it my friends. We simply cannot do that, as we must journey for ourselves. Do not heed my warnings. Go out and find your own survival skills out there. AA is giving me survival skills…skills that I never knew existed at all, and I am so fucking grateful. I will pass them on to you, as you all pass them on to me. We are all here to do that you know? We are all here to walk each other home…to love each other without condition.
I dedicate this morning’s blog to my mom and my girl, Tamara, the two most beautiful and amazing women in my life, and for such different reasons. Strong women whom I learn so much from, every single day. In the rooms I am meeting some strong fucking women. I am a strong fucking woman. You are a strong fucking woman! Did you know that? And you men…you are some amazing and beautiful and strong fucking men! We are here and we are strong and we must not disempower ourselves any longer. We have what it takes, whatever the fuck that is, to be better than we were yesterday, so we not? We have a little light inside of us…I am here to light us up! “This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine…”
Have a beautiful day everyone! You are not alone! You are powerful beyond your own knowing and you have what it takes. I believe in you. I’m going to go get what it takes to believe in me just as much. I love you. I really do.