Happy Saturday everyone. I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned for yourselves. I have a solid weekend of clients and I am so thankful. For all that pains me so sometimes, I really am so thankful. I don’t mean to complain, as I’m sure that my sorting shit out sounds like complaining sometimes, as my shit isn’t sorted out yet. Thank you for being here as I turn this corner and for your love and support. I feel very alone and displaced in this world without my family sometimes. A thought or a smell or a memory will take me straight to my knees. I will be fine and then I will be in agonizing pain, just missing my mom or my dad. It takes a bit to reconcile it, mostly because it just does not add up. The pain was so excruciating yesterday that I didn’t leave the house at all. The pain that came across me at the reality of the loss in my life brought me all the way down yesterday. I just found not reconcile it or find a place for all of this fucking pain. I woke up this morning and it started to begin again. Not today satan. Not today! I’ve got shit to do and place to be and people to see me I’ve not the time to sit around crying for people who left me of their own volition, a long fucking time ago. And yet, I wake to the tears rolling down my cheeks and the lump in my throat…the horrific feelings of abandonment that has annihilated my life and my self-worth, and I became sad and upset and angry and lost. First thing this morning, the pain had already set in and I was already going down. I refuse to go down today. I refuse to cry over being thrown away. Wasn’t being thrown bad away enough in the first fucking place? I mean isn’t that enough pain right there? I don’t need to heap anymore pain onto this pile and I don’t need to cry over this. I didn’t do this and I cannot undo this and my tears have more purpose than this, don’t they? Your tears have more purpose too you know?
Off to clients! Have a beautiful day! I love you!