Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Who wants free hugs at their business? Free hugs at your event?

Good morning beautiful people. I hope your week is going well so far. I am definitely grateful, thankful and blessed. I’m spending time tuning myself up spiritually as of late. I realized that there is a lot I want to learn and do and be and that I am the only one who can. For me right now, hug research, meditation and prayer are hugely responsible for most of my time. I am here to be better than I have been and I am here to be well.

Love and Hugs are where it’s at for me. All things, like a verb, have potential to change and impact and grow situations. I didn’t come here to sit on the sidelines. I didn’t come here to not get my hands dirty. I often have no idea what I ought to be doing and so I sit still for a while until I figure it out again. What our world needs is love. What our world needs is some loving embrace. What I’m doing is cultivating it. I really do appreciate everyone who is by my side in this journey.

Our Third Free Hugs event was absolutely EPIC!! I am in the process of planning another FREE HUG event in the very near future. Hit me up if you need some love and hugs at your place of business and we will come and give our free hugs for a couple of hours. The love and the hugs are free!

I am in the process of manifesting a workshop also. It is going to be absolutely amazing. I will be working diligently on this until I have it ready for launch! This workshop will likely be held at Santuario de Karuna in the near future so stay tuned!

Have a blessed and beautiful day everyone! I love you! I hope to hug you soon!

Lifting us all up this morning. And so it is.

Good morning everyone! I am sitting pretty quiet this morning. Reflective and contemplative and in prayer and meditation. I love each of you and lift you up this morning, in my prayers. I offer you my love and I shower you with peace and grace and mercy. I douse you with healing energy and light abundant. I light the candle and the Palo Santo for us all this morning and I ignite our cord cutting incense to begin our day. If it doesn’t serve our highest good, I’ve asked it to go. If it’s not in Gods will, I’ve bid it farewell. Today, I lift us up into the light and I offer all of my love. Have a beautiful day everyone. Be well.

A letter to the girl I love

With countless words at my disposal, I lose them all when I sit down to write to you. With pen in hand and empty pages, I just sit, thinking of all the ways I love you.

On this day, I knew I must write the words, to the girl I love. I knew I mustn’t keep these words between us, for surely, somewhere out there, someone else needs to know that they are not alone.

For the girl I love,

How can I possibly express the wonder of us? The beauty and the struggle…the ups and the downs, of us? What words would capture the spaces in between the words to better articulate us? Words just simply have not been enough. In the struggle, the words are never right. After the struggle, I’m so busy loving you that I’ve no time to write just how I love you. On this day, sitting amongst my souvenirs of us…you know the ones deepest in my very soul, I am gracefully surrounded by you and so utterly aware of you. In our separateness, we are still one, you and I. We have always been and shall forever be, one. Lately and for a while now, I have been unable to reach you. For much longer than that, I have been so out of touch with me, and so unable to reach me. My grief and my pain, followed closely by my blame and my shame took me off into the yonder distance of your gaze, and the gaze of all who knew me well at all. As I emerge again, my world is very different. Certain regions are so barren and foreign and gone from me. Other regions are blooming and growing and lush and beautiful. The region of you and I is where I am headed now. The barren part has been me and my journey through my own hell. The blooming and growing has been me on my journey to me. The lush and the beautiful…well that’s you. For me anyway…the best part of me has been you. Thank you for that…for being my best part, when I couldn’t even show up at all. Thank you for holding me, even while I bitched that you weren’t holding me right. Thank you for continually telling me you that you love me, even when I wasn’t lovable at all. Thank you for listening to me go on and on and on and on and on and on some more about absolutely fucking nothing at all. Thank you for holding your tongue when I could not, for the life of me, catch my own, and for being loving awareness when I was a huge jerk. Thank you for allowing my blame, even though it was misplaced and often times, even complete and utter bullshit. Thank you most of all, for never one time, giving up on me or on us. Thank you for never leaving or asking me to go. Thank you for begging me to stay on the days when all I knew to do was to run. All I’ve ever known is how to run or be run from. I am learning how to be loved and sometimes I get scared so much. Thank you for being patient with me while I struggle and figure it out.

I know I’m a lot. I talk way too much and way too often and way too loud and I curse like it’s my job sometimes. I drown you out and speak over you and sometimes because I do that, I don’t hear you at all. When I get so upset and can’t think straight and I start spinning, you give me soft landing. Thank you for that. Worst of all, in many of these situations, I project onto you and seriously think you are doing these things to me. I am sorry for that.

Every single day, I learn a little more about what love is. Every day I do my best to love you the way I want to be loved. Sometimes I’ve no idea how that is and so I know I don’t love you like you deserve to be loved. On those days especially, I probably seem the furthest away from you, as I struggle to find a way that feels better for us to love each other.

On every single day since the first I loved you, I have only ever loved you more and more. I know you’ve not seen that as I’ve felt it at times. My words and my actions have failed to align many times and I have fallen. Every time I have gotten back up, I’ve gone straight to you. I will never not go straight to you.

On our most difficult turns on our path together, I have only come to love and want you more. In the moments looking back, I only ever loved you. In my words and actions, I imagine I’ve been less than loving awareness at many times, and I see that now.

Most of all, I write to you today, to tell you that I finally get it. All of it. I mean, that we chose each other. We can come and go anytime we choose. We can leave. We can stay. We can give up or we can try harder. We can love out loud or we can be bitter. We can be better or we can choose to stay the same. Today, I realized that I can do better with you and for you and for us. I can show up more. I can talk less. I can observe more and comment less. I can hold more space and take up less space. I can come down so that you can come up. Today, I realized that I can do whatever I need to do to be with you. Simply put, its our choice whether we stay or go. I thank God every single day, that we both choose to stay. I guess I often forget to thank you, your know, the one who always chooses to stay, no matter what. Thank you Tamara, for never giving up on me. Even when I have not known how to stay another day, thank you for staying with me.

Many people live an entire lifetime without the love I have with you and so I write you this letter to say that I am so very thankful for you and for your love for me. For falling short, I’m catching up. For the dirt on me, I come clean. For the hurt and pain inside me, I let go. For you, I am so very thankful and I just wanted you to know.

Tamara, I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, in this lifetime and all lifetimes before and to come. Thank you for loving me too. This girl is grateful, thankful and blessed!

Love always and forever,

Coral

Struggling to get past some hurt this morning…

Good morning everybody! Happy Monday. I hope you had a good weekend. I will say that I am doing okay, in spite of my weekend. This past few days has been very painful for me and I have been pretty silent. I think I’m going to be pretty silent a lot, henceforth.

Thank you for all of the love for our friend who is struggling. I truly do appreciate all of your love and messages for him. Please continue to love him and to pray for him and to lift him up. I have no updates on him, nor on the many dogs in his care, as abruptly left my life the morning after we showed up to help him. Here’s the thing…if you cry out for help, to the entire fucking world on social media, and someone shows up to help you, and you tell them that you are leaving their life because you made it worse by showing up …then you, my friend, you are on your own. I risked my safety and my sobriety and that of my partner, to go into a house that even APD would have rendered unsafe to enter. I did that for you and in doing so, I realized that you do not actually want help, you want attention. You want someone to blame for your own shame and I’m just not game for that my friend. That is a life story that does not bear repeating and a pattern that I fell into for a quick minute the other night when you cried out for help. I stepped out of line with me and took my girl with me and for that, I now know better. We twelve stepped our little scared asses of and for that I am so proud to be twelve stepping with my best friend. You assure me that You’ve got you and I hear you. You’re the only one who can get you, and I clearly see that now. There are however an indeterminate amount of other living beings whom I’ve been concerned about all along, living there also, without voices, whom I am still concerned about. I will leave it at that and know that I have done all I can do, as I have now been removed for doing so. We compromised ourselves for him and we should not have done that. We were 12 stepping together, two sober women in AA recovery. We could not safely have gone alone and it wasn’t safe together either. We We are both physically unharmed and have mostly just been very heartbroken at the way this all went down. We heard cries for help and we showed up. We were the only ones who showed up that night and we have both been abruptly dismissed again and relieved of our friendship duties. With that,thank you for loving him and for lifting him up. I will continue to do so also. We are no longer in contact and I feel that I’ve done all I can do. From here on out, this will have to be handled by people who are trained to assess and enforce animal ordinances and laws for minor children, hazmat or whomever else. I was thrown out and I was hurt at first by that. Mostly, this morning, I am painfully aware that helping others, even when they beg for help to the whole fucking world, is impossible when they refuse to help themselves. When we finally got past the threat of the dogs and into the house, it became painfully clear that we could not help our brother. We want more for him than he wants for himself and so we take our hands off and we leave all of our love. We back away and pray for the best outcome for our brother and the boy and all of the animals. Thank you for your love and support. You guys always show up and love and pray when I ask you to, without question or hesitation…I thank you. Thank you so much for that. Let us lift them up and take our hands off. Peace out. Peace in. My girl said that the other day and I like it! And so it is.

In other news, I think it is safe to say that I am going to be stepping WAY back for a bit. I am going to be mindful of red flags. I am going to be pausing….a lot. I am going to be listening more and speaking less. I am going to be a bit more guarded and much more selective of my inner circle. I am going to commune more in inner sanctum and less it outside circles. I am coming to know that what you think of me really is none of my fucking business and I like it like that!

I realized this past weekend in a couple of difficult situations, how blessed I am to have my girl beside me. I am so blessed for our hearts…I really am and I need to be more careful with us and our hearts. Our hearts are fragile right now and we keep showing up when people call. Right now, to be honest, we mostly fall out with each other, when we get involved in “helping” people who actually do not want our help at all. Tamara and I will always be of service. This weekend past, we are both re-evaluating, to what degree of service that will be.

I’ve an emotional and busy day, coming off of a very emotionally taxing weekend. Most of all, I am grateful for Free Hugs on Friday at TRP. I am so thankful for families reunited, including my own, over pizza, hugs and “matza hug sugar cookies”.

I am looking for my next Free Hug venue, so if your business want to host me, please get with me. I am coming by invitation only for Free Hugs, so that this event gets all of the love and support it deserves. Basically, I’m not going to call businesses and invite myself. With that being said, hit me up if you want us to come to you with Free Hugs at your business or place of business or wherever…And most of all, thank you to everyone who showed up, both in body and in spirit to hug it up for “The Hack Pack”.

I am always available. I am re-evaluating to what degree that will be so. I am new to boundaries and I am learning…both mine and that of other people. I have both violated and had my boundaries violated in the past. Moving forward, my goal is to be better, no bitter. To be love and not fear. To be seen and not heard. To be forgiven and to be forgiving. To be me and to honor you. To be honest and open and real and true always, in all ways. I am better than I was yesterday and tomorrow I will be better than I was today. Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. Thank you for how you love me.

I love you and goodnight…

Happy Sunday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful weekend. I lost track of myself today and forgot to blog earlier. I am pretty tired now and taking pause in certain situations before I respond in haste and then regret my words. I tend to react if I don’t take some time to calm and center myself sometimes, and so I pause. This has been a practice for me and I am still working on it, as I often speak before I complete my thoughts.

I am blessed to have had so many hugs this weekend! I am looking forward to our next Free Hug event! It was a huge success and I am so thankful that everyone was so wonderful and participatory. I feel extra happy that my family showed up and shared in the hugs and the love! I sure have missed them!

I am going to sign of now and wish you a beautiful night! I love you!!! Thank you for being part of my world!!

Thank you for all of the hugs!!!!!

Happy Saturday morning everyone! Thank you to everyone who came out for love and hugs last night! What a beautiful and epic evening we all had together, laughing and hugging and loving each other unconditionally! We hope that the love from the “Hack Pack” was felt far and wide and that everyone left feeling full and loved. Thank you Ashlea and Elton of Trail Rider Pizza for hosting us and for the amazing food and music!!! Thank you Sister for the amazing hug cookies!!!!Thank you everyone who came out and joined us! A beautiful and epic evening was had by all! My family showed up and I could not be more grateful, as we’ve not been together in a long time like that.

I know that hugs can be hard for some people. Hugs can be hard for me. Truthfully, this is why I started this event…to practice and to get comfortable touching and being touched. It’s a lot and it’s not easy AND it’s totally worth it! We need hugs and didn’t get them and now we don’t know how to receive them either . So, let’s all learn and teach together, shall we? I’m already looking for someone else to host us again. Anyone interested in having hugs at your business for a couple of hours? If you are interested, let me know and we will make it happen!

I woke up thankful this morning, with a knowing of the good things coming. I woke up full of all of your love and hugs! Thank you again to everyone who came out and shared the love last night! Thank you to my family for coming out for love and hugs!

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone! I love you!

Free Hugs from 5:30-7:30pm this evening at TRP!!!

Good morning everyone! Today is the day…Free Hugs!!!!

Free Hugs began a couple of years ago, on a day such as this. I woke up crying and broken and beat down. I woke up feeling helpless and worthless and fucking better off dead. I missed my Mom so much. I was so, so sad and so dead inside. Today is better than it was then! Today I am crying for someone else. Today I broke a little because I just wasn’t enough and I came up short of the expectations of someone whom I love deeply. I was told that “things are worse because of your help” and “goodbye”…and these words hurt me a lot. I didn’t sleep much and I cried a lot. I woke up still sad from it all, and crying inconsolably. Meditation helped. Prayer helped. I stuttered through my Mala this morning as I sobbed. So, much like the first “Free Hugs” day a couple of years ago, I guess that in being totally honest and fair, I need some free hugs today. I need some unconditional, unattached, hold me in the parking lot of a pizza joint in the mountains, kind of hugs and love today. I need you guys to fucking hold me man! I bet some of you guys and gals need me to hold you too, don’t you? I bet you didn’t even know it until I started bringing it up…when is the last time someone held you, whom you didn’t know or owe anything? When is the last time you held someone whom you didn’t know or owe anything? Anyway, I really do hope to see you and touch you and hug you and love you for a couple of hours tonight at Trail Rider Pizza in Cedar Crest. Come eat some amazing food and have some amazing hugs! If hugs aren’t your thing, just say so, and we will love you just the same, from a distance!

To everyone making this possible, thank you! Truly, thank you for being the change, for being the love, like a verb, and for showing up tonight for some Free Hugs!!! I love you and I can’t wait to see you tonight! Have a beautiful day!

Thank you. I love you. Goodnight.

Good evening everyone. Thank you for your amazing love today everyone! I ask you to, and you all love. Thank you. Truly, thank you. I am kind of done and done this evening, and so I bid each of you a beautiful and restful evening.

I lift up the afflicted and I release what is not mine. I remove my will and my hands where they are not wanted or needed. I pray for Gods will in all things.

Mostly this evening, I am in gratitude. I am in love with love and what love can do. I haven’t the time or the desire to sit one moment more in that which is not mine. I started to spiral down a bit and then I remembered who I am. I am better than I was yesterday. Tomorrow, I will be better than I was today. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And so it is. Amen.

I am looking forward to our hugs tomorrow. I am looking forward to being with each of you. I will see you tomorrow and love you until then!

I love you. Dream well. Goodnight.

Let us lie here in the sun together…

Good morning everyone. I am not going to lie this morning you guys…I am sad and discouraged. My heart is heavy and full of hurt for so many of you. I pray for the right prayer to lift the burdens that are breaking us down. I pray for strength where we are weak. I pray for love above all else, for each and every one of us.

I saw my Dad today. It has been over six months since I sat down for some time with my dad. Let me tell you something. My dad and I are bigger than our differences. My dad and I are more than the sum of all of the pain of the past. My dad and I have a choice, just like everyone else…We can take it or we can leave it. I left it for a bit and I wasn’t sure I was going to ever come back. I was so done being so hurt and so I stepped away. I had to step away and I am glad that I did. I am back now and I’m glad that I am.

The moment that I owned that every single moment of my life, all the way from conception, is my fault, my doing, my choosing…I began to heal, for the real. All of the abuse, the incest, the pain…all of the anger and violence…every single last bit of it…I chose it somewhere, way back there, to evolve and grow me. And guess what? All of this has grown me and is evolving me and I am finally truly grateful for that. Sitting with my Dad is way more important than anything that separated us in the first place. With my mom dead in the ground, my relationship with my Dad really matters to me. My dad and I…we forgive each other. For all of it…we both forgive each other for not knowing what we didn’t know before we knew it. My dad and I are the only ones who can forgive each other and ourselves and we finally have done that. No matter what took place in that relationship…no matter why…I just love my dad. I felt insane for feeling this way and I felt pretty inhumane not feeling this way. Today, I am just thankful to have my Dad back in my life. More than anything he has ever done to me, I love him. For me, after all of everything, it really is that simple. I just love my dad. I wasn’t sure how to do that after all That I came to know and I took a long hard look and a big step back. I needed to do that. Now, I am making a conscious decision to forgive and to be done with what has gone before me. I love my dad more than anything my dad ever did to me. I love my mom more than anything my mom ever did to me. I love my brother more than anything he has ever done to me. I love Tamara and you and everyone in my life, more than anything they have ever done to me. This is how I choose to live. This is who I choose to be. I haven’t always known I could make this choice and so today I am grateful that I’ve the choice to make. You have those choices too, you know? You can change the way you look at things too. You can decide that it’s going to be different, for you. For me, it’s going to be different. I am different. Forever changed and forever thankful, for the ability to be done with what no longer serves me. In my case, I’m done with many things…so, so done with so, so many things. My dad just doesn’t happen to be one of those things. You, just don’t happen to be one of those things.

Today, I make a choice to be here now and to be grateful to be here. Today my only question is how may I serve you? Is there anything at all that I can do to help you? If there is, please say the word. We are each only ever here to love each other through all of this. How can I love you better today? Let me know, would you?

To those of you in my life who are struggling, I wrap you in my arms and I hold you close to me. I pray with you and wipe away your tears. I surround you in love and light and healing. I pull you from the pool of your own shit, and I wash you clean and I lay you out in the sun to dry off and bathe in the light, right here next to me. For we are all tainted you see…we all need some time rinsed off clean in the sun to figure out what to do next. Let us just lie here together, in the sun, until we can stand up again. Let us not rush ourselves to our feet. Let us just lie here as long as we must, to heal and restore our faith. Let us lie here in the sun together. For as long as we need to, let us just lie here and come clean.

I love you every day. Today though, I love every single one of you just a bit more. Go out there and love each other just a bit more today, would you?

Happy Wednesday everyone!

Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I am happy to say this week is going pretty well for me. I am doing all I can to heal and to mend what needs mending. Lots of work to do in healing , no doubt. Physically, I’m not feeling optimal as of late. I chalked it all up to aging and yet I’m not sure it’s all just that. Putting feelers our for a new PCP if anyone knows anyone, please hit me up. Thank you in advance!

I hope to see all of you on Friday for hugs at Trail Rider Pizza in Cedar Crest. We need some love and some good healthy touch and some time with each other. We need to be together and to talk and to hear and to grow together. From 5:30-7:30pm, we will be giving away Free Hugs! Come on up and get yours! We would love to see you! I would love to hug you!

I’ve got a lot on my mind and not many words this morning, so I will close with the serenity prayer. Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen