With countless words at my disposal, I lose them all when I sit down to write to you. With pen in hand and empty pages, I just sit, thinking of all the ways I love you.
On this day, I knew I must write the words, to the girl I love. I knew I mustn’t keep these words between us, for surely, somewhere out there, someone else needs to know that they are not alone.
For the girl I love,
How can I possibly express the wonder of us? The beauty and the struggle…the ups and the downs, of us? What words would capture the spaces in between the words to better articulate us? Words just simply have not been enough. In the struggle, the words are never right. After the struggle, I’m so busy loving you that I’ve no time to write just how I love you. On this day, sitting amongst my souvenirs of us…you know the ones deepest in my very soul, I am gracefully surrounded by you and so utterly aware of you. In our separateness, we are still one, you and I. We have always been and shall forever be, one. Lately and for a while now, I have been unable to reach you. For much longer than that, I have been so out of touch with me, and so unable to reach me. My grief and my pain, followed closely by my blame and my shame took me off into the yonder distance of your gaze, and the gaze of all who knew me well at all. As I emerge again, my world is very different. Certain regions are so barren and foreign and gone from me. Other regions are blooming and growing and lush and beautiful. The region of you and I is where I am headed now. The barren part has been me and my journey through my own hell. The blooming and growing has been me on my journey to me. The lush and the beautiful…well that’s you. For me anyway…the best part of me has been you. Thank you for that…for being my best part, when I couldn’t even show up at all. Thank you for holding me, even while I bitched that you weren’t holding me right. Thank you for continually telling me you that you love me, even when I wasn’t lovable at all. Thank you for listening to me go on and on and on and on and on and on some more about absolutely fucking nothing at all. Thank you for holding your tongue when I could not, for the life of me, catch my own, and for being loving awareness when I was a huge jerk. Thank you for allowing my blame, even though it was misplaced and often times, even complete and utter bullshit. Thank you most of all, for never one time, giving up on me or on us. Thank you for never leaving or asking me to go. Thank you for begging me to stay on the days when all I knew to do was to run. All I’ve ever known is how to run or be run from. I am learning how to be loved and sometimes I get scared so much. Thank you for being patient with me while I struggle and figure it out.
I know I’m a lot. I talk way too much and way too often and way too loud and I curse like it’s my job sometimes. I drown you out and speak over you and sometimes because I do that, I don’t hear you at all. When I get so upset and can’t think straight and I start spinning, you give me soft landing. Thank you for that. Worst of all, in many of these situations, I project onto you and seriously think you are doing these things to me. I am sorry for that.
Every single day, I learn a little more about what love is. Every day I do my best to love you the way I want to be loved. Sometimes I’ve no idea how that is and so I know I don’t love you like you deserve to be loved. On those days especially, I probably seem the furthest away from you, as I struggle to find a way that feels better for us to love each other.
On every single day since the first I loved you, I have only ever loved you more and more. I know you’ve not seen that as I’ve felt it at times. My words and my actions have failed to align many times and I have fallen. Every time I have gotten back up, I’ve gone straight to you. I will never not go straight to you.
On our most difficult turns on our path together, I have only come to love and want you more. In the moments looking back, I only ever loved you. In my words and actions, I imagine I’ve been less than loving awareness at many times, and I see that now.
Most of all, I write to you today, to tell you that I finally get it. All of it. I mean, that we chose each other. We can come and go anytime we choose. We can leave. We can stay. We can give up or we can try harder. We can love out loud or we can be bitter. We can be better or we can choose to stay the same. Today, I realized that I can do better with you and for you and for us. I can show up more. I can talk less. I can observe more and comment less. I can hold more space and take up less space. I can come down so that you can come up. Today, I realized that I can do whatever I need to do to be with you. Simply put, its our choice whether we stay or go. I thank God every single day, that we both choose to stay. I guess I often forget to thank you, your know, the one who always chooses to stay, no matter what. Thank you Tamara, for never giving up on me. Even when I have not known how to stay another day, thank you for staying with me.
Many people live an entire lifetime without the love I have with you and so I write you this letter to say that I am so very thankful for you and for your love for me. For falling short, I’m catching up. For the dirt on me, I come clean. For the hurt and pain inside me, I let go. For you, I am so very thankful and I just wanted you to know.
Tamara, I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, in this lifetime and all lifetimes before and to come. Thank you for loving me too. This girl is grateful, thankful and blessed!
Love always and forever,