Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I have tried to take some time to sort me out and as I re-emerge, I am struggling a bit. Struggling mostly to just do the next right thing in the midst of so very many wrong things that have gone before me. The struggle of losing so much has been so painful and I’ve contemplated suicide more than I care to acknowledge. I got to a point with all of this that I decided It would be best to just end it all, rather than to keep killing my self slowly. Even upon reaching that conclusion, I held on. I held on because I know I’ve work that must be done here. I held on for Tamara and for the animals and for many of you. When I simply didn’t value me enough to hang on for me, I held on for you. All of this holding on by a meager little thread has been too much…way too fucking much, too close to home…and too close to taking me from me and from all of you. We live in a world where life holds little value and so losing the entire worth of me wasn’t hard to do at all. I could have been dead in the next moment, mourned and buried and memorialized, in moments that followed and gone from your sight, all just like that. The pain got that bad and I got that hopeless. The hopelessness and helplessness and the depression…it all just got to all consuming and overwhelming for me and I nearly broke completely. In these moments, in this brokenness…I had to either give in and let it all go or I had to find my will to live again.
Yesterday was my turning point. Yesterday was my day to leave here or to start figuring out how to stay here. Yesterday was the straw that broke this camels back and I did what I had to do, to stay here with you for a while longer. Yesterday, as the tears overtook me and as the world around me just kept crumpling…as my heart barely beat anymore at all, I made a decision. I decided to start doing some mending and healing and to contribute to my own wellness a bit. I decided to detach from my past and from my story. I decided to be loving awareness and to actually be forgiveness, instead of just praying for all of that for us all. Yesterday, the break that had been cracking me in two, finally broke me and I landed on my knees.
I ended up at the cemetery yesterday, meeting my Dad for a spell. I have not seen or spoken to my Dad since January and I don’t go to the cemetery anymore. I saw my Dad on the bench when I rolled up and the dozen red roses in my moms vase. My moms grave was grown over a bit. No one seems to go there much anymore. There was a funeral taking place on one side of us and a funeral had just taken place on the other side of us. I remembered my moms casket setting up there, waiting to be lowered down like that. I felt the sting of that day, so many days ago, of burying my mom. Here I was, walking toward the man that I buried right next to her. My whole fucking life, in that cemetery, on that bench yesterday. As I sat there sweating and with a constant stream of tears rolling down my cheeks, I hardly looked at my Dad at all. I just couldn’t. I saw his white hair and I focused on my own shoes as I stared way off into the distance. A distance so far away from us that I couldn’t catch any simulation of normalcy from either side or from anywhere at all…I just sat there, on that bench reading headstones and trying to be attentive. The pain of it all though…the pain of it all just rendered me pretty lifeless and motionless myself. As I sat next to my Dad, on the bench in front of my dead mom yesterday, I realized that I was very far gone from myself. I told my dad that I just didn’t know what to do with all of this fucking pain. As I cried and tried to hold on to something, every single thing in my world just fucking left me. I literally sat there and melted and drained myself of me on that bench next to my dad. My Dad reminded me that I had to just let it all go…all of it. The abuse, the blame and the shame and the pain of it all…I just let it drain out of me. I haven’t known how to do that and yesterday I was finally able to do that. Sitting with the man who hurt me and whom I have hurt so much, in front of the woman who held it all together and who blew us all apart, I finally just came undone. In that cemetery, on that bench, with my Dad, we came clean. We fell apart a bit and we were quiet a lot. I felt myself longing to just be okay, to just be happy, to just be whole. I wanted all of those things yesterday, more for my dad than I wanted them from me. The wanting and the inability to rise from these ashes has almost destroyed me completely. The blame and the shame and the resentments have taken me from me, almost entirely. Whatever happened to me and to my life…to my family and to cause such fallout…I realized that it really just doesn’t matter anymore. Yesterday, sitting on that bench in front of my dead mom, inside of my half dead self, with my very broken father sitting next to me, I just let it all fucking die. Her, me, him…I just buried us all in that fucking cemetery yesterday. Actually, I buried us all with her the day they lowered her into the ground. I gave up, on everyone and on everything in my life, because nothing made any sense at all to me anymore. The loss of my mother, followed by the lost of my brother and my father, and my entire family…and I accepted all of that loss yesterday. It is finished. It is finally finished. Everything before me is gone and I have buried the girl who died in this tragedy, in that grave with her mother and her father and her little brother. I have finally laid to rest, my life and all that it holds, that no longer serves me. I have buried that little family of four on Kings Row and all of the hopes and dreams and ideas…the wants and the needs and the expectations of a lifetime. I have released my wants and expectations and I have removed my desires and my will from the man who I call my dad and from the man whom I call my brother and from the woman whom I called my mom. I buried the abuse and the inconsistencies…the doubts, the fears and all of the questions yesterday. That cemetery closed in on me and the world collapsed on top of me. I sat there on that bench as my entire life drained from me.
As we got up to leave, everything was fuzzy and faded and far away. I don’t know how I got to where I went after or to whom I spoke. I know I got there only by the grace of God, as a decided not to find a bathroom there and to go where I was expected for lunch. I arrived at lunch with my girl and my dear friend, who carried me some more, through all of this. I arrived home and I just broke into a million tiny little pieces. As all of this breaking off and letting go is taking place, I find myself just feeling like I want to be quiet and still. As I left that bench, I hugged my Dad for a long while before we departed. I got into the FJ and I felt myself to be sure I was still in my body. I still feel as though I’ve not returned to my body completely. Suddenly, and not so suddenly at all, none of it mattered anymore. None of it held any weight anymore. None of it mattered at all anymore. My dad and I are hurt people, who have hurt people and been hurt by people, just like every other people. My mom was a hurt people who hurt people and who was hurt by people. I am a hurt people who has hurt people and been hurt by people. My little bother and you and your own little brother, are hurt people who have hurt people and been hurt by people. I realized yesterday, that it’s what we do with all of this pain that really matters…not what hurt us and landed us here in the first place.
On that bench in the cemetery with my Dad yesterday, I just let it all go…all of it. The only thing left and the only thing that matters anymore at all, is what I am I going to do with all of this. What I am going to do with all of this is that I am going to lift it all up in prayer this morning…all of it…and ask for forgiveness and to be forgiven. I am going to send it all back to the universe, all of it, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. So, for each of us this morning, whatever it is and whomever you cannot seem to forgive, I lift you up and I ask God to take our burdens from us this morning, that we all might come clean this morning. I lift up my Dad, with all of my love and light, right into the hands of God this morning, that he and I sit next to each other once again, in Gods hands and be cleansed, forgiven and returned to wholeness. I pray for each of us this morning to come clean with God, to bathe and rinse and dry off in the sun, as we release the pain of a lifetime behind us, that we may make our way I to the light of this new day. I lift up every single member of my blood family that they also be washed clean and restored to Gods will and set down in love and light, that they may also detach from the disease and dysfunction of many lifetimes that has tainted us all. God, hear our prayer. Lord, lift us up and forgive us our sins and those who have sinned against us, that we may be lighter and brighter and ready to serve you. In your holy name Lord, I ask these things and offer myself to thee, to do with me as thou wilt. I ask all of these things for the least of us, for we are the most of us, that we may know that we are home Lord. Thank you, for everything Lord. Amen. And so it is.
I close this morning with all of my love and with all of my thanks and with a very humble and grateful heart, for all of the good things coming! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!