Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday. I am happy to be here and I am happy you are here too!
Hugs on Friday everyone!!! I really hope to see you all at Trail Rider for Free Hugs. I know that hugging isn’t for everyone. I struggle with hugging myself, which is one reason I started this in the first place. Walking through my fears seems to be the only thing allowing my fear to subside at all. Anyway, whether you are a hugger or not, I would love to see you and give you some love just the same. In being the change, I just feel I must do something connective and interactive and hands on. I see you all on Facebook and I want to hug you in real life!
I know our world is operating largely in fear. Politically we are in fear. Spiritually many of us are pretty bankrupt. Emotionally we are a hot fucking mess. Physically we are diseased out of control. We must do something to connect to each other deeply. We must start reaching past our cell phones and our computers and start loving the people on the other side of those screens. We aren’t animated. We don’t have countless lives to throw away. We aren’t invincible. We aren’t as hopeless and helpless as we think we are either though. We are just really divided. We are just really far away from the heart of one another. I feel the disconnect and the discomfort of us falling to pieces alone and I’m here to bring us all together. We have this lifetime to do what we came here to do, whatever that is, for each of us. Some of us are pissing away our opportunity while we are here, simply by hating being here so fucking much. Life sucks for many of you, doesn’t it? I read all day long about how everyone has it so bad, including me…it’s a tough fucking hand some of us got dealt, isn’t it? Here’s the thing though, we are still in the game. We still have our cards and we are still sitting at the table. Stop counting us out simply because we drew a shitty fucking hand this time around. Play that hand like you mean it…like you own it…like it fucking matters. It does matter, you know? How you play the game…it does matter.
I have hurt some of you. I have upset some of you. I have strayed from many of you and many of you strayed from me. I have walked away and been walked away from. I have been wrong more than my own fair share. I have said nasty things about others and I have been hurt and angry with things said to and about me. It is mother fucking Groundhog Day you guys! Truly, when will we get that we are perpetuating cycles in our lives that we detest, every single day, simply by holding onto and carrying the energy over to the next day, and the next day, and so on…We do not change our patterning by staying in the same patterns that make us sad and sick and full of blame and shame and anger and resentment, do we?
Who are you really pissed off at right now? Who have you sworn to never speak to again? Why don’t you pick up the phone and call them? Truly…why not? Just call and get it over with….all of the dread and all of the what if’s and the fear of what will happen. What about the fear of nothing at all? What if you don’t get what you need when you call? Maybe call and give something, instead of calling to take something? Call to give your love, your apology, your heart…and maybe you’ll be glad you did. Maybe you won’t be glad at all. Here’s the thing though…you will never know if you don’t make the call. None of us will ever fix or mend anything by doing absolutely nothing. I’m struggling with these teaches right now myself. Sending the text and not waiting for a response. Showing up sweating and shaking and broken into bits. Spilling out my heart and realizing no one is even listening. Praying for healing when I’ve no idea why it’s broken to begin with. Fuck! It fucking sucks. There’s a text hanging out there somewhere for you too I bet. A piece of your heart, just dangling around out there in the wind…I know…I feel you. Me too. Here’s the thing though, with all of my heart, and with all of my love, I sent the text. There are amends letters out there that no one responded to or possibly even read. Hanging on the end of the very few regrets that I do have, is me, by a thread, desperately trying to right the wrongs I’ve caused in my life. Some days, on the end of this rope, being so sorry and so ready to heal, I want to just let go and chuck it all in the fuck it bucket. Truly, just fuck it man! All of this trying and striving…all of this being sorry for being wrong and no one cares or feels like forgiveness. Yep, some days I just want to chuck all of my fuck its in that big ol’ bucket. Today though…on the end of this rope, I am climbing my ass off to get to the top again. Today I am not going to let myself let go of this frayed little rope that I dangle by. Not for the text I never got and not from a phone call that never came or a hug out there in cyberspace that you’re sure you can’t feel from me. Nope, today I am climbing my ass off to pull myself out of the cesspool of shit that I’ve been floating in, swimming in and living in. Today I forgive it all, especially me, for all of the wrong things I have done and said and for the countless things that I didn’t do or say. I forgive me for being a shitty friend and for talking shit when I should have been silent. Today I forgive me for meddling in your business and I accept that I’ve plenty of my own business to tend to. I forgive me for having no idea at all what I did in some situations, to cause the space between to get so big that I can’t bridge that gap anymore at all. My efforts to do so have left me feeling pretty defeated and so today, I set it down. Truly, I must just set this all down and be done with it, for once and for all. I must be done going behind me, trying to fix the damage I left in my wake. I must look forward and upward and onward and I must stop living in my own wake. If you are in the Trail left behind me, today I accept that I must leave you there and stop looking back and trying to pull you into a boat you don’t want to be on anymore. Tears fall down my cheeks as I see you release the rope completely. I didn’t know that I was trying to save you when you wanted to just be released from me this entire time. Today I get it and I hope you know I’m sorry I didn’t get it sooner. Seeing you dangling back there just had me so preoccupied with saving you, that I almost wrecked my boat again. Hands back on the wheel and eyes forward…and this time, I won’t look back. This time, I accept that I’m just not your cup of tea, and hey, that’s okay. I’m sorry I tried to make myself be tea in your cup in the first place.
With all of us flailing around so lost and confused, it is no wonder that we are collectively such a hot fucking mess, is it? All of my love to you today, as you navigate your way forward and get out of your own way! Taking my paws off of what my paws don’t belong on and making room for the hands that want to love and nurture me into the rest of my amazing life…that’s what this girl is doing today! Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! I love you! I’m off to class!