Good morning. I find myself in strange space lately. I don’t feel much like writing this morning, and so I just stopped in to tell you I hope you have a good day and I love you. I am still going to love you, even if I’m just learning how to love. I am still going to practice hugging sometimes too. I’m just taking some time to get my heart off of my sleeve, so that all of this hugging and loving you doesn’t hurt my heart so much. Putting myself out here, wide open, raw and vulnerable is a lot sometimes. Some days it’s just way too much and I wish I were quiet and private again. I get overwhelmed and under inspired. I get irritable and resentful of everything as my world rocks and shifts back and forth. I get tired of all of the pain and the negativity and judgement. I get militant about things that I believe strongly in and I become rigid and callous and I say unflattering things. I become so right that everyone else simply must be wrong on some days. Fighting my thinking is a huge chore some days and lately, more so than others. Exhausting and brow beating is the work to be better than we were yesterday on some days. For me, lately, the fatigue and exhaustion and monotony of it all are just too fucking much. The waiting and the wondering and the wishing…the hoping and the praying and the search for true forgiveness…frankly, some days it feels like walking gingerly to avoid setting of another fucking land mine, just getting out of bed. The struggle is real lately and I am feeling it in different ways. Thank you for loving me through it all.
Today though, I’m just taking some time and a couple of steps back. For today, I am going to breathe more and worry less. Just for today, I am going to begin again, beginning again. I hope you have a beautiful day. I am really glad you’re here with me. I love you.