Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I did not get much sleep and I am a little bit pissy this morning. I apologize in advance for that. Fatigue and sleep deprivation do not help this girl to deal gracefully with her struggles at all. With that being said, I hope your night was more restful and peaceful than mine was!
I read a post on a page I follow this morning about “alters” and I am so thankful. Truly, I love reading something that I relate to so much, that explains so much about me, without fetching another diagnosis or being presented another smorgasbord of narcotic medication to “help” me. I do not want to be medicated with narcotics. I do not want to be more comatose than I already feel on some days, just waking up. I don’t want to be any more eccentric and outlandish than I already am, just to attempt to be well. Having alters scared me so much at first and the idea of other people finding out I had alters scared me even more. Now, it just simply explains me and how I survived the horrific abuse in my life. I have different egos and personalities that are actual split pierces of myself, and they work with me to navigate my life. Sam is my inner child and she came to save me from the impact that little Coral couldn’t survive. Sam and Coral work pretty well together. Some of the other alters do not work well very with anyone. Social anxiety, plagued with too much talking on my part, causes much discomfort and awkwardness for me daily. Misophonia, which is quite literally the hatred of sound, in which negative thoughts, emotions and physical reactions are triggered by sound, is my constant companion. If I had to pick one of my disorders that makes my life intolerably difficult daily, it would be the misophonia. A living and waking hell that knows no ends or bounds or limits. Dogs barking incessantly last night have me full blown triggered this morning. And so I begin reworking today’s schedule. I don’t want my colleagues to see me this way, and so today I skip VCA and do distance work with Aiden. My first client, also a dear friend, is a safe zone and so I can work comfortably there. My other client will be at work and so I’m feeling safe there. My errands, except for getting gas, can wait, and I’ll get back home as soon as possible. Back at home, I can begin to decompress a bit and recalibrate myself. This is my morning routine and today it fucking sucks. The struggle is real and I am a hot fucking mess today, all because I haven’t lined out my alters and my day and my emotions enough yet, to function.
My life is definitely a trip. I am super fucking intense. I care more about many of you than you care about yourselves. I love with all of me and I hurt deeply when love is with held from me. I give more than I’ve got to keep you on track and I care more about your finish than my own. I feel you. I am you. I spend time inside you and so I know who you are, your workings and your idealism’s. I allow you time inside me also, to allow for balance and intimacy in this very cold world. Your fears and inadequacies, I feel them. Your doubts and your negative self talk, I hear it. I am empathic. I bilocate. I intuit beyond the comprehension of most people. I truly do feel you. My alters saved me from death and yet, surviving the horror I did was a fate worse than death, many times over. Some days I grab my own arm and shake me to see if I really am still here at all. I am definitely not like any of you and I’ve known this my whole life. Bullying and constant taunting have always reminded me that I am different and kept me pretty fucking humble. These disorders that I have are simply who I am…this is me…this is my life and who I am. I’m awkward and crazy and without filter. I want life to be fair and when it’s horrifically unfair, I intervene to restore balance. I do this by divine guidance. I am a vessel for the work that comes through me and most days I feel So blessed for who I am and for my ability to do what I do. Today though…today I am tired and sleepless and irritable. Today I wonder what it would be like to be “normal” and I remember why I drank so fucking much. I drank to forget that God expects much more of me than he does from most. I drank to not feel so alone and isolated in who I am. I drank to fit in where I could once only sit and observe from the sidelines. Without drink…sometimes the pain of the my alters slams me into the wall suicidal and begging God to take me from the pain of not fitting in. This morning God said “no”and Aiden says it’s time to get going and so I set all this self pity down. I know how this is going to go…I’ll go grab my brightest tie dye and I’ll get myself presentable for my day…I will spend extra time in prayer and meditation this morning. I will take my hands off of all of you and Aiden and I will handle it. We will just handle it and get into our groove. Aiden and I do not get days off right now, as we are building Aiden a brand new airway. I never need days off from Aiden…just from everyone else sometimes. Today is one of those days, and so I’m going to lie low and mind my own business. I am going to keep my head down and keep my awareness on myself. I surround myself in love and purple light today, that we all be protected from the parts of Coral that serve no one…from the parts of society and one another that serve no one. We all survived something just to be here and we all developed survival skills for keeping us here. Some of those skills do not serve us anymore and yet, we’ve no idea what to do without them. We hold them tight, just in case we need them again. Our alters bring more subtle tools and today I accept those tools happily, as my own toolbox has me locked out this morning. Thank you Alice for your brilliant writing this morning, which totally inspired my own. Thank you for your honesty and your sharing yourself with us, so that I could share too.
To each of you, I love you. I really do love you. I don’t know how I love you or why I love you or what it means that I love you. I just know that I really do fucking love you. I’m going to keep saying so, even though I vowed not to. I vowed not to because some days I grow weary of being so fucking weird man. Fuck! Some days it’s a lot, even for me. Walking up to people and loving them for a deceased spouse or an absent, abusive, asshole spouse, simply because God said so…ya, some days, even in Coral land it’s a mother fucking doozie. I’m sure I’ll be back to my crazy, eccentric self soon. For today though, I’m not going to lie, just to get through it, I’m cutting my day short and laying low. I’m keeping my eyes down and to myself and my soul protected until I get back home. My soul, always open and peering from behind these green eyes, is closed this morning for self preservation. My eyes, constantly in contact with your own eyes, will be shifting away from your gaze today, to heal my own soul. I hope you each have a blessed and beautiful day today. I’ll love you from where I’m at and I will love you with all I’ve got. And if you would please, say it with me…”I love you Aiden!!!!!”