Good evening everyone! I am glad you are here. Today hurt me a lot and I am done being hurt. I was minding my own business, mindlessly scrolling my Facebook page, when what to my wandering eye did appear? A picture, worth more than a thousand words and my last four and a half decades on this earth, appeared on a family members page. A photo popped up of my moms family’s Hammond family reunion in Ohio. All of my life, before my mom died, I was invited to our family reunions. Since my mom died and everyone left from her funeral, I have been a virtual fucking orphan. My “family” abandoned me. For the last fucking time, my family has abandoned me. The picture shows but a few of the family that gathered. I have lovingly removed these people, with only a few exceptions, as this is no fucking family of mine. My Dad is also in the photo and never contacted me nor did he invite me to my dead moms family reunion. Thirty three people have been removed from my “friends” list today.
Countless messages and calls and talks from all of you finally hit and sunk in for me today. I could not not hear how unwanted I am and how I was excluded again, on purpose, by those who claimed to love me my whole life. My “family” walked away from me just when I needed them most. My father walked away from me and took promises and common decency with him. I, my friends, do not have a family anymore. I removed from my sight anyone who has removed me from their life. Especially those who only reach for me when they need me, and not when it’s the right fucking thing to do. I feel a certain emptiness tonight as I realize what has taken place here. The letting go has taken place. I will never be able to be free of this pain…not as long as I linger in it.
For those of you who share my last name and still remain…do what you’ve got to do. I’ve no attachment anymore what so ever to my last name. For those of you with my moms maiden name, if you’re still here, tread lightly, for I will not swim in these shallow waters of dysfunction anymore. I will not be thrown away by two fucking families, with very few exceptions, who continue to act like I chose this…any of this. The alcoholism, the incest, the mental and verbal abuse….the hate and the prejudice…the intolerance and the filthy words…I survived these things. I did not ever chose these things. A product of my environment and my genetics and tossed away my whole life, in the bottom of your trash cans…all I have to say is thank you. For you have shown me exactly who I do not want to be. Excluding family members from family reunions has always been our style. Only difference for me is that this time, it is I who was excluded and unwelcome. It is I who spoke the truth and lost it all. It is I who suffered at your hands, only to be thrown away by you when you were done with me.
I bid you farewell this evening. I turn and walk away tonight, from all that has been so hard for me to finally let go of…the family who abused me and never even thought enough of me enough to hold me through the death of my own mother, their sister.
I am open to anyone who wants to be my chosen family. I invite everyone to be in my family, no matter who you are. No one will be turned away. The only rule is that no one can exclude anyone for any reason, ever. We are love and light and joy and peace. I lost those things, simply by being born into a family who has never loved me like a verb, only in empty words. With few exceptions, I am alone in a family that discarded me long before I realized it. Those things shall not be in my chosen family, for we all get to belong here, like a verb.
Today hurt me simply because I saw what I cannot unsee, which has forced me to admit what I couldn’t not know all along.
For every single one of you who loved me so, so much today, like a verb, thank you. Thank you for loving me and for choosing me and for growing me.
I sit here surrounded by all of your arms and all of your love and I know I am less alone than I have been. I am going to be okay. Fuck, I am already okay. For those of you who didn’t choose me, thank you. For those of you who always chose me and who continue to choose me, thank you. I know all is as it should be and I am right where I belong. Thank you for lifting me up and for carrying me out of this pain.
I love you. I love you so, so much.