Happy early Sunday morning. I think I have said enough for a minute. I know I need to let it all soak in and settle and…and well that’s that for now. Have a beautiful day. I love you.
Good morning everyone. This blog does have a warning on it, as you won’t ever be able to see me in the same way after you read it. I must publish it anyway. I must let us all learn and heal from my sins. I am so sorry for the things I have done to harm others. I truly am so sorry.
⚠️ proceed with caution⚠️
Good morning everyone. I have been in a painful place doing some self-reflecting. This is going to be a difficult blog for me. I can feel it welling up in my throat already. In AA, there comes a time in step-work to make amends with those to whom you have caused harm. There is a catch though. You must only make amends when it will not cause harm to the person you harmed, yourself, or others. I began writing a list of those whom I have harmed. As I turned the pages and wrote more names, I began really looking at all of those names and feeling the destruction I had caused. The turbulence built up in me and the shame and regret set it. The heavy in my gut and the dread in me of this very daunting task overwhelmed me and in my mind, I began to write my amends. In my heart, I sent many of them through the universe. Several of you will be receiving letters from me at some point through snail mail, I’ve no doubt. Some of you, and most sadly of all to me, are the ones of you whom I have harmed, whom I have never even met. The letter I am writing today is universal for those whom I have egregiously wronged, and to those specifically who would be more harmed by my amends than healed by them. I have been divinely guided to share this process with you and so I will do my best. I am sweating and shaking and feeling sad for my transgressions. I ask God to guide my words and to lift us all up as we go through this together this morning. As I set my coffee down to write, I know each of you will know me differently after this morning. You will know the me who is so flawed and broken, destructive and selfish…thoughtless and self-centered. I could blame this all on the alcohol, since I’ve not engaged in this behavior in my sobriety. Or…I could accept the truth and tell you the truth…I am and have been out of alignment with my very own soul for most of my life and today, I own that. Today, for myself to continue on my journey, and for my own healing and higher purpose…for the greater good of us all, I write a public apology, anonymously, to those whom I have harmed that I would further harm with my amends to them privately.
Dear someone who was no one to me,
My name is Coral and I know that you don’t know me. I can be sure that what you do know of me is riddled with pain and negativity for you. I know a lot about who she says you are, and yet in all truth, I don’t know you at all. I see your pictures around the place, with her and your beautiful family. I see your slippers and your toothbrush. Walking through your house, I feel you and the life you must have once had together. I also feel that it is in complete shambles now. I feel the energy of you and the absence of you all at once. I feel the power in you and the weakness of you. I have heard the worst of you and I guess, to be totally honest with you…that is why I am here. Where you stopped being here and showing up, I started being here and showing up. Where you were too busy to care, I cared a whole, whole lot. When you stopped listening to her, I took a front row seat and brought my popcorn. When you started taking her for granted, I started wining her and dining her. Where your lips stopped kissing her tenderly, my lips quivered to meet hers. When you were away at work, I took her out to play. Before you had fallen out of love with her completely, I fell in love with her entirely. Before she was mine for the taking, before you gave her away, behind your back, I took her from you. Any hope of reconciliation or reconnecting was lost in my embrace, as the pain of you flowed through her eyes. I wiped away those tears and I filled her empty hours. I listened intently to words that fell for years on your deaf ears.
I do not know you, for I have never even really met you. Your name and family and your wife…your home and your worst habits. The unflattering things you did and said…and many of the romantic things you stopped doing a long time ago. These are the things I know of you and yet, I don’t know you at all. I can imagine that what you know of me has caused the worst in you to surface. The pain and the anger…the blame and the rage. The disappointment and the loss of trust. The divorce papers and the moving trucks. I can see now how those things were my fault and how I caused events by my actions that have derailed you and your existence in this world. I am aware that there is no amend and no apology that will ever be enough. There are no words and there is simply no right action to take to heal you. Maybe that is why I have been sitting here with this inside of me for so many years in my sobriety, before I even thought of uttering an apology to you. And, I know I cannot come to you face to face because I have caused you enough harm already. I know your hate and hurt for me must be intense and endless. I hate to make this worse at a time like this, and yet I must tell you, that you are not the only one I have harmed in this way. Your wife is not the only one that I took liberties with and comforted. Your family is not the only one I destroyed with my misguided and selfish acts.
I do not claim to know you or your situation then, or now. I do not claim anything anymore, although I’m sure that was an endless rhetoric too. I make no excuses what so ever for my behavior. I have no good reason, not even alcohol or my horribly abusive childhood, for crashing into your life and your marriage as I did. I loved her. I convinced myself that you did not love her and that someone should love her. I am someone and I know it probably only makes it worse to say so, I must say it just the same though…I really did love her. I guess that loving is probably not what I was doing, I mean looking at it now, and from this angle. I really did think, with all of my fucked up heart, at the time, that I was doing something good and right and true. I cannot possibly explain that to you or be sorry enough for how I justified it all. No apology or amends will make what I have done to you okay and being sorry for that only makes it worse.
I have no idea what to do with all of this pain. I’ve no place for the reality of what I’ve done, more than once, to you and you and you. I lived a very destructive pattern for my entire life until I quit drinking. Being sober…well it has been sobering to say the least. The pain and the heart full of rain…well I earned that, didn’t I? These selfish, senseless acts that I committed have finally explained the sadness in me. For it is not the pain inflicted upon me, it is the pain that I have caused, that does not let me smile. The anger across my face that I call hurt…it must just be the smug look of having fucked your wife getting slapped off of this cocky little mug. Every single bit of karma that I have coming and every single consequence of my actions, I am open to receive. Every bit of hate you have for me, and even worse is the hatred that she holds for me…all of the blame and the shame and the angry words…I place myself before you universally and remove them all from the stale air that they have penetrated.
I stand before you so very sorry for the destruction that I have caused you. I have written all of this and I’ve still no words at all, to tell you how very sorry I am for sleeping with your wife. I have no excuse. I have no good reason at all. I am so, so very sorry. I am ready to take consequence for the pain I have caused and although that will never heal you, it seems to be all I’ve left to do at all. All I have for you, after All I took from you are these pathetic and empty little words…I am so sorry. I am so, so, so eternally sorry.
This concludes this mornings blog. I cannot even breathe. I know I have to publish this and I am scared and sad and ashamed and don’t know how to hit that button just yet. I am so sorry for the pain that I have caused. If you are reading this and I have ever hurt you or anyone that you love in any way, most especially in this way, I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I love you. Thank you.
I would like to take everything I have done and all that I have ever said or written about it, and I would like to own it and sit with it today. At the end of today, I will atone for it, to the very best of my ability. Afterwards, I will lift it up and release it back into the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I sit in silence and solidarity this morning for the pain that I have caused and for the wrong that I have done. I sit in silence for the lives that I have ruined and the marriages I walked into. No amount of my sorry could ever be enough and I know that. I know what I have done and I will atone for it. And so it is.
Happy Friday everyone! I hope your week has been amazing! I hope your life is all that you imagine. I hope you are happy with who you are. I am trying to realize what is missing from me so that I can complete me. There feels to have always been a piece of me missing. I always thought that the missing piece was someone else. I am learning that what is missing from me is me. Pain seems to be my biggest teacher right now and I find the classroom to be a bit stale and uncomfortable…a bit stuffy and uptight. And so, I’m up to stretch my legs and walk around a bit before going back in and taking this lesson seriously. I am going to go for a run and then for a bath in the river to wash me clean and then I shall return to the lesson and the classroom. This pain and learning…learning and pain…it’s foreign to me in a way and in another way, it already is my way. I don’t know why but I have definitely lived a life full of pain and I have a little heart full of rain. Some days, like the last three, the rain floods out everything else and I get pretty fucking washed out. I miss what I don’t hold. I don’t hold what I have in my hands properly. I feel like I am one step out of touch with myself. One fucking step out of step with my highest self, my Dharma…and that one step has me skipping like a scratched and warped record. I feel the flow and my stride picks up and then that one fucking step that I am out of rhythm with throws me back into my abyss. This skipping and warped record…the skip and the uneasiness of it all…I think it’s all of this fucking pain. My own self skips a beat in all of the pain and my record cannot even release to hit the charts to see where it might land. The one step that I am out of is the one step that I need to right my own rhythm. Every other step stands in wait as I master this one. My breath flows steadily in and slowly and intentioned back out again, as I consciously embrace and sit with all of this pain. I immerse myself in it and wrap myself up in it, bathe in it and thank God for it, as it is the path I have chosen to exhault me to my own pinnacle.
And on another note…damn it do I miss Aiden! A year and a half of all Aiden, all the time, and I am lonely without him. I know I must detach myself from he and his family energetically right now so that they can all bask in the glory of Aidens victory and of Aiden being back home with them. I can just see Jaxson and Aiden and Dori celebrating just being together with Aiden and my heart is full. I know Aidens mom and Dad must be so happy and able to come down now and I never wanted anything more for all of them. I have definitely missed them since court on Thursday, when the universe told me to let them go. Aiden wrote his mom a note and I dropped it in the mail. I picked up my piles of Aiden rosters and pictures and my own little heart ❤️♥️💜 and I said a little prayer, actually a big prayer, for Aiden and his beautiful family. When our work is done, it is forgotten and that is how it lasts forever. I know that no matter how long I live I will never forget Aiden or his family. Thank you Aiden for taking me with you on your journey and for trusting me to exhault you to your pinnacle. I am still doing the Aiden fro grow for your strength and I am only ever a call away. Your mom and I are building your new trachea in our dreams with God and we’ve got you! I LOVE YOU AIDEN!!!!! I love you so much little buddy!! Thank you for the color you bring to my world. I will be strong and stop crying about missing you so much and I will come and visit you once the energy settles and everyone’s lives return to order a bit. I am always with you and never more than a breath away.
Missing Aiden…missing my mom…missing Robin and her family…missing my own family…Mostly though, I guess I really just miss me. I miss me when I’m not totally thrown into my work and not sitting where I’m sitting now, desperately trying to right me and my life and to illuminate my own path. Aiden, please help me to exhault my pinnacle too, okay? Somewhere between this ring and the last one, I lost my grip. Somewhere between the last lap and this pit stop, I have lost my stamina. Somewhere between you and I, I have lost myself little buddy. Who the fuck am I without you Aiden? Who am I without my sister Robin? Who am I without my mom? Who the fuck am I without me Aiden? Where did I go and can you help me to find my way back? I found you in the recliner and I stayed with you until we could get out and I knew how to do that. I don’t know how I knew. I just know that I knew how to keep us safe together and to come home together. Look at me now Aiden. I need help getting back in the game. I have my red adidas shoes on and I’m holding my mala in my hands. I am on my knees in prayer position and I am ready to be exhaulted. Aiden, please raise me up to you that I may take my place in the world at your right hand, to do your work and your bidding for you. And so it is.
Maybe all of this jumbled up rhetoric makes no reasonable sense at all. Maybe I just have to say the words and go through the motions. God says the one attribute which I have that he needs is that I am always willing. Without hesitation, consideration, or question, I stand at the ready for his call. Names for God for me are Aiden and Robin and sister and brother and Tamara and Prajna and Nahko and Mala and Aliah, and Rocky and Taos…Taos is God for sure!!! And so this morning, I call up the God that exists in each of us…our highest self…the best of who we are…to realize the God in each other. Look into my eyes and meet God and invite me into your eyes to meet God.
Today, as directed and by the power vested in me, I clear the fog from my own eyes that you may only ever see divinity in my eyes henceforth. You will not ever be able to look into my eyes again without seeing God in you and I both. God has removed the shroud and gifted each of you, the gift of my eyes. Visits with these eyes and the soul of the divine are coming into play in the world now. Many of you will come to me for this gift, as you have been called to do. Those who seek me will find me. So it is written and so it shall be, that you shall find God within you by looking into the eyes of God in someone else. And so it is.
Have a beautiful day everyone! Touch your own divinity today so that we may begin to connect and heal our world. I raise us all up to exhault our pinnacles through acts of selfless and unconditional love and service. I am available should you be called to me. I love you.
Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I am sitting in reflective space right now and learning to adjust myself without being reactive. Sitting in the pain without uttering a word. Absorbing the shock of it all with no fall out. It all just is. “It is what it is.” That’s a Sherry lesson all in itself. Fuck I hated when my mom said this to me. It felt so insensitive and shallow and weak as I hated hearing it. I’m not a huge fan of hearing it now either, if I may be totally honest. And yet, it always ever only is, what it is. It can never really be anything else, other than what it is, can it? It is what it is indeed, isn’t it? Whatever it is…it is what is it, isn’t it? So, it would appear that Sherry is here to bestow some wisdom upon me this morning, as I learn to keep it in and not break apart. No need to blow yourself completely open she says…because will it change anything if you do? What has been done and said has been done and said and I feel how I feel inside. Nothing changes that. Speaking of how I feel does not change it and keeping how I feel inside doesn’t change it either. What will change it is how you look at it she insists. Change the way you look at it Coral and it will change. Accept it for what it is and stop fighting it. Change your relationship to it. Change the way you view it and feel it and perceive it. AND, you don’t have to talk it out or be heard or be witnessed in your pain. This pain is for you. You called it to you to evolve and grow you and you need it to strength train in your soul gym. Could this be the “Precious Pain” that Melissa Etheridge sings about? Is this the “House of Pain” that Faster Pussycat crones about in their 80s tune? This pain that Sherry says I call to be my teacher….this pain isn’t precious and there is more than house full of it. All of the “it is what it is” in the world doesn’t help me right now with this boatload of fucking pain that I can’t seem to jump ship from. Pain is your teacher Coral. Pain is the lesson and the blessing. Stop crying about it and continue your education already.
I can see that Sherry is not in an arms wide open, let me hold you space this morning. I could use some holding more than scolding right now. And so I know, as history has taught me…you’re not here to be held. You are here to learn. And so I crack open my decompression book and try to locate my pen so I can set myself up for some higher learning this morning. Anyone else care to take this lesson I with me? Not the most inviting morning topic and me without my coffee…okay Sherry, let’s have it!
The place you are stuck in is your own mind. The thoughts you have around you are your blankets. The companions on your journey are your thoughts…make them kinder and gentler and softer. Stop crucifying yourself and everyone else with your thoughts. Don’t let anyone destroy you with their thoughts either. We all think. We all have that. A place where we can be alone and sort and try to make sense…all ours and untainted until we speak. Once we speak, the chaos inside comes outside with us and we can’t sort anymore. Now there are just piles of words that we wish we had kept as blankets in our beds. We can’t put the words back in and now we have to figure out what to do with them. There are different piles of words. Stupid words and angry words and hurtful and shallow words…deep and jagged words and piles upon piles of them everywhere. A conversation here and half of a conversation there, that I can never pick up again. It’s a fucking barren field, a lonely cemetery of words that will never go back in and who have no place to go. These words are all of the words that no one ever wants. This cemetery is full of words waiting to be buried that are too big for death holes. Grave diggers don’t dig holes big enough for the words I’ve used that I can’t take back. And Sherry is. not wrong, ever, I guess that it all really is what it is, isn’t it?
I guess I grew up slowly or maybe I’m just more like Peter Pan, I don’t think I’m here to grow up at all too much. I’ll die younger than we thought I would, with so much life left in me yet. With so much left to offer, I shall perish. Hopefully, I shall leave here full of all of the jagged, angry, ugly and unnecessary words that we all left in the boneyard. Maybe I can gather them all up while I’m still here and take them with me when I go, so that no one else has to stand here feeling this way about the things that come out that never go back in. Maybe I can clean this up for all of us and leave the world better than I found it. At the very least, I will stop putting words out there that no one wants. I will stop letting words out that no one can digest or get back in. Sherry says that this is the only way to begin to address the boneyard that I stand in, full of words I ought to keep to myself.
And so this morning, I’m not trying to find the words. I’m not searching for a way to express how I feel. I’m not doing much at all except for not even writing some notes, while sitting in Sherry’s classroom of higher spiritual learning. I guess I just am. Siting here with my Peter Pan wings all crumpled up and bent, trying to scrub these fucking tear stains off of my ugly little face, trying not to cry some more…I just want to be alone with my words. Both the words inside that I won’t say and all of the ones outside that I already said….and honorable mention goes to all of the words that are hanging in the balance, the ones that I am reeling back in this morning, in and to myself…to never enter the boneyard of words that I just cannot ever take back.
My pain is mine. My dealings with said pain, shall be mine also. My words about this pain and about hopes and dreams and wants and needs and feelings…my expectations and all of my “me stuff”…I guess I am netting that all up and bringing it back in this morning too.
And so it is…with a heart full of rain this morning, I close my mouth and gently chew upon the words that I choose to hold inside. As I look around at all of the words that I didn’t hold, I am humbled and ashamed, disappointed and sad…free and in solitary confinement until the end, as atonement for my sins in letting them out in the first place. God forgive me for the words I let out into the world that didn’t belong there. God hold my tongue and my heart, moving forward, that I exercise vigilant decorum and boundaries before I open my mouth at all. On this day Lord, thank you for the Sherry lesson, even though I didn’t open my hands wide to receive it. My heart got it and I will pass it on as a “Sherry Lesson” this morning. With Aiden and Robin off in the distance, I struggle to find words…thank you Mom for stepping in this morning and taking over for me. Thank you for the lesson. I will spend today reeling the words back in that I am still able to. I will begin making piles for the rest of the words that got out, so that I can identify their remains and not violate them ever again, before I offer them proper burial that they may rest in eternal peace.
The grave diggers just showed up with their equipment and so I need to go. Lucky for me, the grave they are digging this morning is for my words, not for me. They haven’t come for me just yet. I’m not sure if I’m happy or sad that they aren’t here for me. Anyways, no matter. Hey guys! Thanks for the coffee. Let’s get this mess cleaned up and let’s sing them home, shall we?
Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! Thanks for stopping by Mom! I love you too. Tough lesson this morning as I wipe the tears from my face. Thank you for stopping by. I’m going to go eat some words for breakfast…and I’m going to sit in a huge bowl of gratitude the entire fucking time. Thank you.
Happy Wednesday everyone! I’m not going to lie…the last couple of days have hurt me a lot. I finally climbed back out of the depression that came for me. What a fucking battle….the battle to keep on keeping on…when my entire life feels to be slipping away from me. Trying to just grab a fucking handle; to anything, and holding tight for a bit, until the turbulence passes and I can try again to hold my own ground again. Being in this tsunami has tilted me a bit. Being in this constant fucking pain has changed me a lot. Changes like this are all the better for most of you, for I am gifted in my ability to do you better than I have ever done me. Changes like this for me are the very alterations in my life force that need some tuning up and love right now. Feeling like I’m in for a quick pit stop and some fresh new tires before I hit the track again. This time it’s for real and these laps count. Practice and running relays…it’s all come down to this. The Pace car and the engine roar…the silence and all of the noise…and I am hitting the track for the race of my life this time. The vibration of the engine draws my soul in and we are ready for the ride of our lives. I’ve driven race cars from the beginning of my driving career. Cornering on rails and dragging…high speeds and hugging the outside of my lane before I take over your lane. The rush and the tempo of it all. For a few years, I’ve switched to four wheel drive and off road gear. I can camp in my car. I can cover any terrain. The pace slows significantly and yet, even in the rock climbing mud gear of the FJ, I will always be a race car driver. My life lesson right now is to slow my roll a bit, and so the FJ is the vehicle of choice. The race car I drive is for endorsement purposes only and has no bearing on much, other than the skill set I call up when I need it. I rarely drive the race car anymore, unless it’s for the thrill of it. I guess life is kind of like that, isn’t it? I mean we all have our vehicles and we all use them for different terrain. Performance and precision on the race track and air in your tires and maps in hand for the trail…it’s all a matter of how you look at and prepare for the journey, isn’t it? Aiden has a thing about the FJ and the race car and when to take one and when to definitely not take the other. I think Aiden was talking about energy, not the cars, and how to use the things we have in our daily lives, like our cars, to maximize our energy. For court, Aiden took the race car. For life, right now, like our life seasons, Aiden says we have FJs and race cars… “Be sure to be in the right vehicle for the journey. Don’t ever take the FJ to the race track and leave the race car at home when we go camping or to Corals house.” I love Aidens outlook on life and I needed it this morning. Thank you Aiden for stopping by! I love you!
We all have the choice, don’t we? How we navigate our terrain and how we shift gears…how we brake and how we accelerate…how we use the transmission instead of the braking system to slow down….how we take up speed and how we lean into the curves. We have the wheel in our hands and the pedals under our feet, no matter which car we are driving and we are the inertia and the motion in our worlds. We are the control and force behind the machines…the minds and the intelligence of it all. We are the driver, the pit crew and the roaring audience…we are the blowouts and the shredded tires. We are the flames and the collisions and the turbulence and the adrenaline of the race track. We are the finish line and we are the winner, the loser and the observer of it all. The seasons of our life and the cars we navigate our terrain with are simply tools for the journey. For me right now, I am stepping out of both the race car and the FJ and taking to foot, in my bare feet, to summit my Mt. Everest! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! I love you Aiden! ❤️♥️💜
Good morning everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Labor Day weekend. Our weekend was nice and we are blessed for sure. For me lately, the struggle is real. I’ve been missing my mom in the worst sort of way . For the last few days functionality eludes me a bit. The tears come in waves and wash over me like a tsunami. The emotions are high and the pain is intense, for the loss of the life I once had. I’ve no idea why this hits me this way. I just know that when it does, it leaves me reeling and praying for my own escape from this life that I fail so miserably to understand sometimes. Missing my mom is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to learn to do. There is no reprieve from the emptiness of the void that my mom left when she died. An abyss that sometimes sucks me in and has her way with me, before she spats me out. I scurry to scrape up my broken pieces again before I collapse in the pain of it all. Losing ones mom is no fucking joke. Losing ones mom is having your very soul exposed to the elements with no protective barrier. Life without the one who carried me in, proves difficult, painful and very out of my reach some days. Yesterday was such a day for me. The pain and the tears and the yearning and helpless, hopeless, worthless feeling of it all. I collapsed under the pressure and shattered over and over and over again from the inside. Thank you Tamara for keeping me safe and fed and for giving me space and for being close. Yesterday is the worst mom day I’ve had in a while. Thank you for holding me through the pain and emptiness of it all. I love you Tamara. Thank you for how you love me. Some day I won’t be such a fucking wreck. I promise.
Coming off a year and a half working with Aiden, I feel a little sad to have our time together coming to a close. I am elated that Aiden got what we all gathered to get for him. Aiden was reunited with his family first and then last Thursday, Aiden got justice! I will always go and visit Aiden! I will always be Aidens to some degree and Aiden will always hold sacred space in my very soul. I am glad that Aiden got what Aiden went to court for and I am honored to have been there with him when he got it. The still shot for channel four really does encompass and speak to the love and support for Aiden and his family throughout this ordeal, and I am blessed beyond measure to be a part of Aidens world! I ask for continuing love and prayers for Aiden and for his struggle with Tracheal collapse, as we build Aiden the perfect new throat. Your love and prayers are the reason that Aiden is celebrating with his family and I thank each and every one of you for loving and praying so, so much! Thank you Team Aiden!!! And if you would, say it with me…”I love you Aiden!!!!!”
As I rework my own schedule and charge myself with the energy needed to see my beautiful clients today, a tear rolls down my cheek to see Aidens name gone from its slot on my roster. The tear is for me, for my missing him and it is nothing compared to how happy I am that once my work completes itself, it lives on forever! I will be forever grateful for the work that I do and for the beings I have met doing my work. Aiden is always and forever going to stand out as one of my clients who has touched me the most deeply. I love you Aiden!!!!!Thank you for trusting me to work with and your family little buddy! I am honored to be on Team Aiden! All of my love this morning for Aiden and his family as they return to their lives before Aiden was stolen.
As for me, I am feeling myself retreating and going within a bit. So much stuff to work on inside of myself. So many unresolved hurts and feelings and emotions that I am purging out my eyes lately. I am deep cleaning this time and pulling out all of this fucking pain. No pain left behind this time. No stone left unturned. The purge before demolition is proving to be a tough one for sure and I am only holding on to those holding on to me also. If you aren’t holding on, I’m going to honor you and your journey and cut you loose before I go out again. The precision and momentum needed to propel us out of this cesspool of shit is going to be intense and we all need to intention some healing here. No child left behind…and yet, each of us must grow up enough to get on board and commit to the journey. Each of us must take a post and do our work…And…we all have the choice to stay or to go. Whatever your choice, we are boarding now and will be pulling out of port very soon. If you’re going to be on board, grab your life jacket and your coffee and head into the healing room. I will meet you in there once I see everyone else off. Everyone else, thank you for your service and best of luck to you in your future ventures. Thank you for being part of my world and for staying the course with me as long as you did. Doors are open and you are free to go!
I feel a little sad to say goodbye to some of you this morning. I’ve been doing all I can to keep you aboard and afloat. The thing is, you aren’t doing anything to keep you aboard and afloat and this ship just isn’t going to go down again like that. If you don’t care more about you and your life than I do, I finally accept that I cannot help you. I am also finally okay with that. My work cannot evolve when I continue to work for people who never fucking punch the time clock at all. My pinnacle cannot be exhaulted if I sit down here on my ass breast feeding you all day long. And so it is, I bid your farewell. With all of my love and prayers, I leave you behind this time when I pull out, to live the life you imagined. All of my love and best wishes to each of you! Bon voyage!!
What a wild world! Truly…what a trip this all is! Sitting in my body, missing my mom out of her body. Loving all of you so much and finally loving me more than so much. Preparing to leave port with a skeleton crew for my greatest voyage of all. My life can be summed up in three words…it’s a trip! Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! All aboard!!!!
Happy Labor Day everyone. I love you.
Happy Labor Day weekend everyone! I hope you all have a moment of rest from your labor this weekend to reflect and appreciate your contributions to the world you live in. I know I appreciate you and the contributions to the world I live in.
I am so blessed to be so surrounded by such beautiful and amazing beings. In my work…in my home life and in my acts of service work as well. We become who we hang out with. We take on the thoughts and the ideas and the behaviors of those we spend our time and energy with. My suggestion is to always raise the bar a bit, for yourself. Don’t worry about anyone else. You raise your own bar. You do it your way. Get a good spotter until you find the best spotter of all, the one made just for you. Our lives are obstacle courses and we can only navigate our terrain with our own skill sets.
I am learning that I swim deep in the deep. I don’t spend a lot of time in shallow waters. I simply cannot thrive or survive long there. Others would drown in the depth of my waters. We must know this. We cannot navigate the terrain that isn’t ours to navigate any more in the wrong mindset than we can in the wrong vehicle. Sometimes you need and FJ or a Jeep to get over rocks and through off-road mountain terrain. Sometimes you need a race car with SlP racing performance that can corner on fucking rails. If you take the race car to Moab, it had best be for the amazing sightseeing on the way to watch the Jeeps tear it up! And if you’re taking the FJ to Indy, park it way back from the racetrack. We forget who we are and what we are built for. We all have vehicles to take us on this amazing ride called Dharma. Using them as they are intended or building them to be what we need them to be to get us where we are going…well that’s what each of us does with our lives. Anyway, food for thought.
Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!
Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned! I want to thank you all for all of your love for Aiden and his family. Love is where it’s at and so thank you!
As for me…let’s see if I can write anymore at all without Aiden or Robin or my mom chiming in for me this morning. I realized when the sentencing came down for Aiden on Thursday, that I have not been breathing for a while. I wasn’t even aware of it. And, I have been breathless way longer than Aiden. The night my mom was rushed to the ER, shortly before she died, I stopped breathing then. I stopped everything then. I stopped living and breathing. I stopped knowing who I was or what to do or where the fuck I was. The night my mom went by ambulance to learn of her fate to cancer, my world kind of stopped too. I’ve been puttering and sputtering along, to very little avail. Seeing clients and hugging…desperately trying to be a good friend and a good therapist and a good human being…I’m always a click off or a step just behind what feels to flow for me. My thoughts and feelings border on the edge of insanity and I desperately try to hold the middle. My love is deep and raging and untamed and inside of me that just feels mostly like confusion on some days.
Lately, I mostly feel that I am here to unlearn what I learned that does not serve me or make sense. To be honest, I am unlearning a lot. I am learning how to share my feelings and my thoughts and it’s kind of scary and intimidating sometimes. Sometimes my feelings seem too deep and too complicated and too far away and I get really discombobulated. Working closely with other people and their hearts and their lives and their stories can be a fine line and so I am learning how to walk it with more grace. Energy work definitely stirs energy and so I’ve been working on grounding myself better and setting up better protection around my own heart. The semi-permeable membrane between our thoughts and reality can be a very slippery slope and I am glad to be riding this one out a bit and realigning to my own center again. I cannot really explain the sensation of the work I do or the places I hold, other than to say that my life truly is a fucking trip!
I’ve learned that I have to fall in love with people and I have to let them fall in love with me. I have to hold them tight in the places where they don’t even want to be touched at all. If you’ve ever been in studio session or animal session with me, you know exactly what I speak of. There is a space in between, a “sweet spot” in our journeying. This spot is undefined and surreal and this is my pivot point. This is the spot that I work from. This is my desk and my work…this is how I lay it all out. It’s all love and love balancing. It’s all isotonic and isometric movements…subtle and intense and true. Precision based and intimate is my work to love us all home. I land in families and relationships and marriages. I become the object of many altercations within the psyche of those confronting themselves. I become the adored and the hated and I ebb and flow in and out of places most people dare not tread. There is good reason not to tread here. Here hearts are wide open and words aren’t needed. It’s deep and murky sometimes and boundaries aren’t clear like they are with words and with physical touch. In this place, it’s up to me to exercise boundaries and decorum and good judgement, to bring us all around to the other side. And so, with that all being said, Thursday when Aiden met justice, I took my first breath since the call that my mom was in that ambulance. My mom will be gone four years in December and my life is finally returning to me now. My thoughts, my feelings and my emotions and my touch with reality have all been affected by the loss of the woman who carried me in to this world and I will never be the same.
I feel myself and my work evolving and I center myself and mind my own breath. I am going to be going into some deep and murky waters and I feel that coming on. My work is taking me into the trenches to pull us up and out of this cesspool of shit that we are swimming in right now. We must know that until something changes, nothing is going to change. Until something shifts, we are all horribly out of balance running up and down our own unbalanced beams. We must slow our roll and intention ourselves into the lives we wish to be living. We are in a tizzy living lives we don’t belong in and doing things we ought not be doing, all simply because we have lost touch with ourselves and our own moral compasses. And…we have a choice. We can be kind and just and fair just as easily as we can be absent, unaccountable and irrational. Our worlds do collide and we can mitigate the impact by simply owning our own chaos in all of this. Anyway, amidst the noise and chaos lie all of the answers to the calm. Inside of each of us there is all we need, to be who we came here to be…and we have reserve to help others to summit too. All that ever really holds us back is ourself isn’t it? An “insular Tahiti ” inside of us all says Dr. Dyer. What are we doing with what we have inside us?
This morning I am grateful to be landing back into me a bit. It was a bit of a crash landing at first and its calming down a bit now. Thank God! Coming back into me and my life after being away for so long has its challenges and my struggle is currently real and active. As I find my own center again and slow us all down a bit to return to ourselves again, I feel a little sad leaving this space. Mostly though, I feel accomplished in knowing that I’ve a sacred job in this world and that God trusts me to go where others cannot tread, simply because I’m willing to go there.
So with all of the gratitude in my heart this morning, I thank Aiden and his family and Robin and her family and my family for trusting me in such sacred and vulnerable space, as I become who I am.
Most of all, to my beautiful and amazing partner, Tamara, thank you for holding me through this storm. Thank you for loving me just the same and no matter what. Thank you for sharing me with those who need me the most. Thank you for supporting me and honoring my work, even when it makes our lives more difficult and unmanageable. Thank you for loaning me out to be what others need in the absence of their others and for dealing with the ebb and flow of me falling in and out of love a million different times with my clients and their humans. There is absolutely nothing easy about this part of my work and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding me through the pain and hardship of it all some days. Most of all, thank you for being there when my world smashed into the ground and annihilated me and all that I was before my mom left. Thank you for never giving up on me or on us. Thank you for listening to my endless rhetoric about absolutely nothing, as I simply try to find my way back into the world I left when I couldn’t handle the pain anymore. Of all of the things in my life, you matter the very most to me and I love you with all of my heart and all that I am. I am so sorry that my words fail me with you. I regret that my communication skills are non-existent sometimes when it comes to you and I am working around the clock to hear you better and to speak less. Thank you for holding me through the pain and for loaning me out to love others. Most of all, thank you for always being here with open arms, loving me, when I return from wherever I’ve been.
Thursday was my first breath since we got the call from my Dad that my mom was in an ambulance to the ER to begin her journey of leaving us all behind. I feel like I literally just landed here and so please be patient with me as I find my parameters once again. I feel a little out of sorts so please be gentle as I acclimate again, to the life I was living before my moms heart stopped beating almost four years ago.
If you are still here with me, thank you. If you are not still with me, thank you.
Have a beautiful weekend and enjoy those who share your life with you. Playing soccer with Taos yesterday in Aidens red adidas shoes reminds me of who I am. Waking up this morning, I am grateful to be returning to me. Thank you to each and every one of you for all of your love and prayers and for always dialing up your love when it is most needed! I love you!!!
Happy Friday morning everyone! I thought I would sleep later this morning as I felt like I could breathe yesterday for the first time in years! When Aidens court hearing was winding up, I was twisted up in knots for a second or so…Yesterday, I found my peaceful place and hung out there, steady and connected and true. When sentencing came and justice was served, we all looked at each other and breathed a bit. We got to see Aiden and his mom and some other victims get justice yesterday. There was a whole lot of pain in that courtroom. I imagine there is a whole lot of pain in many courtrooms. Aiden was a badass! Truly, a few little barks to let us all know he was seated there with his mom and that he was here for serious business. After it was all said and done and we walked out of the courtroom, Aiden sounded off again and let us all know that he was victorious and he won the war like he said he would yesterday morning! Aiden asked me to thank every single one of you who made his victory possible. There are so many of you and Aiden wants every single one of you to know his love and thanks ❤️♥️💜 Aidens family also wants you all to know how appreciated you all are. This ordeal is over for Aiden and his mom and we all thank you for your places and your contributions in getting this behind Aiden and his family. At Aidens request again, I ask you to also lift up the Romero family, as they are suffering tremendously at this time. Aiden is glad that justice was served and he is also aware that there is a family in pain. Aiden just wants to remind us all that there is only love or fear. Aiden says to choose love, Always and no matter what. So, from all of Aidens family and especially from Aiden and his mom, thank you for your love and support during these very difficult months for the Martin family.
I personally want to thank each of you for all of your love and prayers for Aiden and his family. Your love means everything to me. As we bend and channel and throw it out there, love changes us and the world around us. When someone needs our love and we call for the love of others, love begins to shift our world and our perspective. We make calls and we go to extraordinary lengths to be of service to the greater good of our world. Love is big and we become big and willing and able, with love, to move mountains. Aiden moved a mountain yesterday with all of your love. A four pound Pomeranian moved his own Mt. Everest yesterday and I was there for the summit. Did you know that there are over two hundred dead bodies on Mt. Everest and that over 295 people have died on both sides of the mountain since 1924? Both Nepal and China said they will remove the remains of more dead climbers this year. Everyone who takes the hike in does not summit. Everyone who goes up the mountain does not come back down. Life is like that you know? Aiden had to go in and hike his heart out with his mom and their DA and Team Aiden. Lots of people helped Aiden to be in court and to be spoken so well for. Lots of people exhaulted Aidens pinnacle to get him to his heights yesterday! Aiden, I am so inspired by you my little buddy! Congratulations! You did it buddy! You exhaulted the pinnacle for us all!!!
And to each of you who has done so much and prayed so much and loved so much, thank you. Thank you so much for how you love me and lift me up. My work in this world depends upon your love and so I thank you for loving me so fucking much. I don’t know what I did to deserve all of your love and I thank you so much for being as you are, loving as you do and spreading as far and wide as you are able to love us to summit! We are all here to summit our Everest’s. We are all here to love each other home. I love you and I thank you for loving me.
Aiden and his family asked me to say it with them for all of you guys…”We love you Team Aiden!!!!!”
Have a beautiful Friday everyone!