Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

My dead moms family reunion without me…and so it is…

Good evening everyone! I am glad you are here. Today hurt me a lot and I am done being hurt. I was minding my own business, mindlessly scrolling my Facebook page, when what to my wandering eye did appear? A picture, worth more than a thousand words and my last four and a half decades on this earth, appeared on a family members page. A photo popped up of my moms family’s Hammond family reunion in Ohio. All of my life, before my mom died, I was invited to our family reunions. Since my mom died and everyone left from her funeral, I have been a virtual fucking orphan. My “family” abandoned me. For the last fucking time, my family has abandoned me. The picture shows but a few of the family that gathered. I have lovingly removed these people, with only a few exceptions, as this is no fucking family of mine. My Dad is also in the photo and never contacted me nor did he invite me to my dead moms family reunion. Thirty three people have been removed from my “friends” list today.

Countless messages and calls and talks from all of you finally hit and sunk in for me today. I could not not hear how unwanted I am and how I was excluded again, on purpose, by those who claimed to love me my whole life. My “family” walked away from me just when I needed them most. My father walked away from me and took promises and common decency with him. I, my friends, do not have a family anymore. I removed from my sight anyone who has removed me from their life. Especially those who only reach for me when they need me, and not when it’s the right fucking thing to do. I feel a certain emptiness tonight as I realize what has taken place here. The letting go has taken place. I will never be able to be free of this pain…not as long as I linger in it.

For those of you who share my last name and still remain…do what you’ve got to do. I’ve no attachment anymore what so ever to my last name. For those of you with my moms maiden name, if you’re still here, tread lightly, for I will not swim in these shallow waters of dysfunction anymore. I will not be thrown away by two fucking families, with very few exceptions, who continue to act like I chose this…any of this. The alcoholism, the incest, the mental and verbal abuse….the hate and the prejudice…the intolerance and the filthy words…I survived these things. I did not ever chose these things. A product of my environment and my genetics and tossed away my whole life, in the bottom of your trash cans…all I have to say is thank you. For you have shown me exactly who I do not want to be. Excluding family members from family reunions has always been our style. Only difference for me is that this time, it is I who was excluded and unwelcome. It is I who spoke the truth and lost it all. It is I who suffered at your hands, only to be thrown away by you when you were done with me.

I bid you farewell this evening. I turn and walk away tonight, from all that has been so hard for me to finally let go of…the family who abused me and never even thought enough of me enough to hold me through the death of my own mother, their sister.

I am open to anyone who wants to be my chosen family. I invite everyone to be in my family, no matter who you are. No one will be turned away. The only rule is that no one can exclude anyone for any reason, ever. We are love and light and joy and peace. I lost those things, simply by being born into a family who has never loved me like a verb, only in empty words. With few exceptions, I am alone in a family that discarded me long before I realized it. Those things shall not be in my chosen family, for we all get to belong here, like a verb.

Today hurt me simply because I saw what I cannot unsee, which has forced me to admit what I couldn’t not know all along.

For every single one of you who loved me so, so much today, like a verb, thank you. Thank you for loving me and for choosing me and for growing me.

I sit here surrounded by all of your arms and all of your love and I know I am less alone than I have been. I am going to be okay. Fuck, I am already okay. For those of you who didn’t choose me, thank you. For those of you who always chose me and who continue to choose me, thank you. I know all is as it should be and I am right where I belong. Thank you for lifting me up and for carrying me out of this pain.

I love you. I love you so, so much.

Who the fuck is in that mirror?

Good morning everyone! Thank you for all of the love and support from my last post. Depression certainly has aged and fucked with this girl. I was shaving my head this morning and looked in the mirror…and I was like who in the fuck is this looking back at me? Who the fuck is that girl? Broken down and busted, mentally ill alcoholic, piece of worthless shit….and I realized that I was speaking out loud and Tamara was behind me in that mirror. Who was I talking to? I sure as hell wouldn’t talk to Tamara that way, so I clearly was talking to myself. And then I just went blank all over…if I talk to me this way…there is no way that I don’t talk to Tamara and others this way too. If I think of me this way, others must also. The reflection in that mirror…the puffy eyes and tear-stained face…the sad eyes and the lost and the empty…FUCK!!!!! Just fuck…not my best look for sure…not my most flattering side. And yet I must know, as we must all know, this is not all that I am….For all that I am not, there is much that I am. For all that you are not, there is much that you are. What a beautiful fucking disaster looking back at me! What a hot fucking mess of the most epic proportions!!! Broken down…fuck yes…broken completely, not today satan, not today. Alcoholic? Yes, my name is Coral and I am one grateful alcoholic this morning! I am here! One day….fuck, one minute at a time right now….thank You God for not giving up on me, even when I did. Thank you for this hit fucking mess looking back at me. As I rise, I will definitely need to spend more time and effort on hair and makeup!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you! For all that you are not, there is so, so much that you are! I fucking love you…have a beautiful and blessed day!

For those who wonder where I’ve been…here you go…

Good evening everyone! I am sorry I’ve been elsewhere so distant as of late. My life became unmanageable and I lost my way a bit. My depression sucked me in and had her way with me. Any of you who know depression know of what I am speaking. Depression is a relentless and unforgiving bitch and she often has no fucking mercy what so ever. In my experience of depression, I cease to exist almost entirely. I have been gone from you…this is true. I have been gone also from myself…this is true as well. The struggle is real and I am grateful to be here with you now, as I have greatly and deeply missed you.

I have found myself repeatedly on my knees…begging for grace and mercy…for strength and acceptance. I have landed in the loving rooms and arms of A.A. and I am so thankful! I have a beautiful sponsor, a twelve month chair commitment for the big book study and a 60 meetings in 90 days commitment…all for the small price saving my own soul. Alcohol kills my fucking soul. Alcohol will take me out if I partake of her again. The rooms of A.A. have always opened their arms wide for me and this time, this time…I believe this warm welcome may have just saved my life, as I…my brothers and sisters have lost my way. I lost my way to Coral and I lost my way to finding her and alcohol did not come for me, and I did not come for her…we just hung there in the balance, she and I. We just hung there in the darkness, bargaining with our own mortality to mother fucking take us already…yes, alcohol and I are raging and unhealthy lovers. I bid her ado almost six years ago and she did go. Alcohol did not come for me this time. No, this time alcohol sent her sisters…she sent the stinking thinking…the fuck its and the I don’t give a fucks…the depression and the rage. Alcohol sent her worthlessness, her unforgivingness and her self-loathing and she laid it on me like a mother fucking locomotive. I was buried deep and I did not give but one fuck. Thank God that I gave one fuck…because just that one fuck got me this far. Just that one fuck gave me enough breath and hope and love and self worth to get back into these rooms. With all of my heart, and buried completely under by the fuck its, I was given but one fuck to give and I am so, so thankful. By the grace of God, there go I….

Depression is a thief in the night and she turns the light to the staleness and darkness and hopelessness of eminent spiritual death. Depression robs sleep and reason and logic from you and then spits in your face when you stop giving even one fuck at all to try to save yourself from her. Medicated, depression leaves me absent and comatose…and in my case almost dead. My chemistry does not mix with antidepressants at all. Suicidal ideation becomes suicide attempts so real in my mind that I feel dead inside…and confusion…confusing fog and unrelenting anxiety…depression is an unforgiving and relentless bitch. Depression came for me and I could not escape her grasp. I have been way down deep in the depths of depression. My blog went silent because my words fell into the abyss of my depression. There literally are no words for some of the pain that came for me. A thief in the night and a bitch on wheels…raped and beaten and berated… and pillaged by my diseases and mental disorders…I almost didn’t make it to write this blog today. Depression hurts and mental illness is real. Alcoholism is a disease.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I also have quadruple diagnosis for C-PTSD. I am an incest survivor. I suffer from severe misophonia and I have severe and constant anxiety. I suffer from depression. I have never been enough and have very often been too much. My desire to get well is often overruled by my disease and my mental illness. Today though…today, I am here with you and I am so thankful for that. Truly…thank you for being here with me this evening. I love you.

Depression is real and depression does hurt. I only hope that being open about where I have been will help you to know the depths I have fallen into, the pain I have been in and the hope that I lost somewhere along the way. Depression is a bitch in wheels and she cares not for resistance…she cares not of borrowed time…depression sucked and engulfed me into the abyss that knew no bounds…not until the light entered the crack where my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. The light entered and I begin my ascension. Depression will not have me today. Not today satan…not today.

I was blessed with a beautiful weekend in Golden, Colorado with my beautiful girl. We saw Trevor Hall and Nahko and Medicine for the People at Red Rocks on Sunday.

I’ve taken all of that medicine and all of God’s glorious creation and I have wrapped myself up in it, covered myself in its goodness and it’s glory and mercy. I have allowed the acoustics of the most amazing Amphitheatre in the world to heal me, to transform and transcend me…to grow me and heal me and lift me back up…I will not die in this abyss. I will not succumb to my disease. I will not let my mental disorders the incest tattoo on my forehead keep me from forging on. I will not give up. I will not give in. As I begin to rise, I take you with me. Take my hand my brothers and sisters…now is our time and these are our days. We are here and we belong here. I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me so much too. Have a beautiful evening!

Calling up your love and asking you to share it…

Happy Friday everyone! I am glad you are here this morning. I know the struggle has been so real for many of us and so I’m glad you are with me this morning.

My heart is heavy with all of the pain. So much loss and so much hurt…so much dying and such difficulty living. We do our best, don’t we? We hold on and we let go. We lose and we begin again. We fall and we get back up. We fuck up and we try again. We fail and we learn new ways for next time. We are human and we are flawed and we expect much of ourselves and of each other. So, with all of that being so, we must give ourselves some love and realize that we are doing our best. We must also know that everyone else is doing their best too. We have to stop expecting everyone else to have the same best as we have and to love each other up, rather than tearing each other down. Positive instead of negative talk. Positive self talk and positive affirmations. Be kind to yourself and to everyone you meet. Be patient. Be love. Hold space. We are here to love each other home. We must know this and stop acting as though we aren’t here for one another. We are here for one another and we really ought to start living as such. I love this lyric by SOJA…”Am I my brothers keeper? Yes I am.” Be the love my friends. Give a shit about your fellow humans. Be a good person.

We have an opportunity this morning to make different choices in our lives. We have a chance to change the world we live in, just by being love. Get to a meeting and commune with your fellows. Buy two coffees and give one to the brother struggling outside Starbucks. Hold the door for everyone today. Pay it forward. Say “hello”. Say “I love you”. Ask someone how they are and give a shit to actually listen. Be the love my friends be the love.

I challenge each of us to do something for someone today for someone who can never repay us. Be there for someone. Listen to someone. Hold someone’s hand. Hug someone like you mean it. Do something amazing for someone amazing today! I love you and I need you to help me to change our world. I need you to love more with me and to give more and to try harder…I need you to give a shit and to act like you give a shit. Be positive and heal with me. Be kind and love with me. Be real and do your best. I’m inviting you to change the world with me!!! Will you join me in a love revolution my brothers and sisters? We are here to change the world by first changing ourselves and I am on fire today! I am ready today. I am going to go out there today and love with all I’ve got…because that’s all I’ve really got to give away anyway…myself and my love. So…here I am and here you are…let’s get out there and share our love with the world today, shall we?

I’m calling up your love today and asking you to share it with everyone you meet. You can do that for us, can’t you? You can be the love and you can change the world every time you choose love over hate or fear. Dial it up you guys…dial it all the way up today. Let’s get out there and get to loving our world to peace! I know we can do this! I know we can! Let’s do it! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

We made it through today…

Happy Thursday evening everybody! Wow, would you just look around at all of this fucking pain? Truly, today has been a doozie of epic proportions of pain. Death and relapse and exclusion and judgment and blame…hurt people annihilating other hurt people. Such a sad, sad cycle of sickness, don’t you think? We are sick people who judge and hate and exclude and ostracize sick people. Our sickness is rampant and we don’t even know we are killing ourselves. We are killing each other and we don’t even care enough to stop. If I am sick, you are sick. If you are sick, I am sick. As long as one of us is unwell, we are all unwell. We must begin to know this. We must get this if we are to survive ourselves.

Back in the rooms of AA and also and though I am there for the very first time…I am home. I am finally home. My sobriety and my program…my clients and my chosen family…my health and my wellness…my girl and our life…this is home for me. Home is my people loving me and me loving my people. Home is forgiveness and home is talking and being open and raw and sad and real and true.

I am thankful for my sponsor, for all of the beautiful souls in the rooms, for my beautiful partner and for the best friends in the whole wide world! I am blessed for each of you and so, so thankful for my sobriety!

Have a beautiful evening everyone! I love you!

Sending some love through the pain this morning…

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday. I am blessed to be here…sober, alive and going at it again this morning. Some days I overlook the significance in just getting this far and somehow, today I am keenly aware that I’ve only this moment, and therefore I must begin to live here, in the present…here in the now.

My life has a way of sneaking up behind me and revealing itself all at once, leaving me overwhelmed and confused sometimes. This morning my life can be summed up in three words, it’s a trip! My life is a fucking trip!

I see that the struggle is real for so many of us right now. I just saw that a friend of mine from long ago passed away yesterday. I had no idea that he was even sick and I feel a little empty in this knowing this morning. Rest in sweet peace Ed. We lose people through time and distance and death. We lose people by losing touch, don’t we? I pray for Ed’s family and I send all of my love. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

My dear friends lost their precious Ruby last night also and so I ask for love and prayers, that their hearts heal and be comforted at this time. Blessed be Ruby. All of my love to my friends who lost their friend.

The pain is just too much to look at this morning. Truly, humanity is taking a dive down the fucking shitter! We have lost our way and our love and our decency in this world and so today I pray for love for us all, for peace for our world and for love to conquer all else.

People are hurting people and taking from people and entitled as fuck. Gratitude is missing and expectation is high. Depression is rampant and life is hard. Love is fleeting and people are fucked up. Yep, it’s time for a meeting. My life has become unmanageable in all of this fucking pain.

I am learning how to love the way it feels good for me. I am defining my love and I hope you can feel my love. In all of this pain, be the love that gets us through. Be the love when the pain is dialed up way too high. Be the smile when the world is frowning. Be the change when the world stays stagnant. Be love. Our world needs us to be the love.

As the sun is coming up this morning, I thank God for another day to do my best, another day to give my all and to be better than I was yesterday. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I’m on a mission to make my life beautiful. I really do hope you will join me.

Have a beautiful day and love someone today. Love someone out loud and with all you’ve got today. I dare you!