Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Please help us sing Cheii home to his family today….

Happy Tuesday everyone. We are so capable of so much, aren’t we? Sitting here in Tijeras with Chii, praying for divine guidance to get him back to his family. Ancient wisdom and intuition haven’t availed is quite enough strength yet, to get him home to his people. Chii and I sit silently with Spirit. We know you want to help and so this is what we need from you. We need your love and prayers. We need your intention to get Cheii from where he is now, which we do not know, therein lies our dilemma, back to his home or Summit. I am using all I’ve got to block energetic boundaries in all directions. Nahko is doing his work in musical medicine with Trevor Hall and I am channeling and weaving their work into mine. “Directions” by Nahko and Medicine for the People is the song chosen by Cheii and I this morning to get his chariot to roll by and pick him up and take him to safety.

The help I need for my work in this is for you to use all of your love and energy while playing this song to summon the courage and vibration, the love and integrity of tribe…the humanity and the acceptance of oneness…to literally bring Cheii our into the light so we can see him and usher him to warmth and safety. Often, when we are lost, we are also scared. When we are scared, sometimes we hide. We get cold and lonely and disoriented and frightened and we become prey. I have placed myself as a human shield around our beloved Cheii and I will hold him, without cessation until he rests again in the loving arms of his people. With my arms around Cheii, I am seeing you all from the inside of him, as he is heart center in front of me. This beautiful man has seen oppression and this man has been persecuted. I take any arrows lobbed his way and I break them in two. I disarm any energy that does not vibrate to his highest frequency. Let it be known that this man is protected by Great Spirit and he should be handled with the greatest care and love. Should he be under the thumb of someone to whom he does not belong, I order his safe and immediate release at this moment, to the loving and protective arms of the Navajo Nation. By the power vested in me by Great Spirit, I demand that this man be handed over and cared for deeply until he returns to safety. And so it is.

And so this morning, with all of my love, I return to prayer and meditation, to honor the highest place in myself, the one that we each have, to use what we have for someone else. Whatever it is and however you use your gift, we could really use your talents to bring Cheii home. There are search parties and many other ways to help. If each of us did a little something, we could all get much more substantial results. We must stop with the mentality that says that we, one person, do not or cannot make a difference. We are all we’ve got. What we do with what we’ve got…well that is entirely up to us, isn’t it? “This little light of mine…I’m gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine….”

Please help! Missing Elder from the Navajo Nation

I would really appreciate if everyone could throw some serious love and prayers to get Dennis home today. This came across my feed this morning and grabbed my heart strings. Time feels to be of the essence and so I ask each of you to send up a prayer and to do what you can to get Dennis safely home. We must honor and respect our Elders and I raise the bar for each of us today to just that.

Let us love this family up while we bring their brother back home to safety. All of my love and thanks to each of you for placing this as priority this morning. All together now, let us pray:

Our Heavenly Father,

Please watch after Dennis and surround him safely in your loving arms. Please ease his pain and fear, and carry him that he not get further from his home and his people. God, please take this man unto you to ensure his safety and his peace, his comfort through your grace and mercy. Please Lord, hear our prayers and being Dennis safely home. And so it is. Amen.

The day the silence offered herself to me…

Happy Sunday everyone! I find myself in both tribal and sacred spiritual space. I have taken a vow of silence until 09/21/2019. During this time, I will be going deep within myself to do some evaluating and assessing and healing. I will also be fasting during this time. I only mention this at all because my dealings in the world will be minimal during this time. My outings will be silent and my meals will be bread and water. Should I encounter you during this time, I will not speak to you. Please be patient as I learn to use and interpret your body language better.

All of my life, I have been talking and cannot stop. Literally. My family once paid me .25 an hour to just shut the fuck up. I made only a couple of dollars and it was excruciating for me. I think it was excruciating because I knew that no one wanted to hear me. I just didn’t know how to stop talking. That happens to me still and it is problematic sometimes. In my relationship with Tamara, I literally talk and cannot stop fucking talking. I’m learning that this has been my coping mechanism through all of the trauma and pain of the past. I filled my empty space and my void with words. My silence inside echoed me completely out and somehow, my words kept me company in my silence and abandonment. Somehow, no matter how dead I was inside and how much nobody wanted me to talk, my words gave me breath and kept me alive, if only to myself. It’s like a Tourette’s of my broken soul, spewing out of my mouth like a fountain of ignorance sometimes and I just can’t stop talking. And that brings me to the vow of silence. I stand in silent solidarity for us all this week to exercise pause and contemplation and decorum. My silence speaks for us all, as we close our mouths and minds and open our ears and hearts. The silence and the space in between the words is where I shall find my new rhythm, my inner peace and my strength to go on.

My silence would earn me $42 if I were being paid by my family this week to shut the fuck up. Seven days at .25 per hour. I needed the money and I tried with all of my might to stay quiet through their sneers and taunts that I wouldn’t last…that I just simply could not stop talking. That $1.50 or whatever I earned was the most excruciating wage I ever earned, ever. I knew what I needed to do, what everyone had been asking me to do my whole life, to just shut the fuck up. I simply could not and I haven’t been able to since then. I guess I thought that I simply hadn’t said the right thing yet. Surely, if I talked non-stop, I would find words that my family wanted to hear. I never did. I still have not. This clarity is painful for me…jagged and deep…and honest and fair and true and necessary.

Many of you have encountered this side of me…this awkward and bumbling idiot of nervousness, who simply cannot shut the fuck up. And so…there it is…Why Coral has not stopped talking…ever. I guess I was horrified that if I stopped talking, I would cease to exist at all. I don’t know exactly when or how or why it all began. I simply know that it’s time for me to stop talking, for me. I will take $42 from my wallet and honor the pain of my silence and a family willing to pay for it, who only ever wanted me to watch my mouth and what and how I say it…and truth be told, to shut the fuck up. I get it. I hear me sometimes. I get it. So, for the next week, as I go within, my gift to each of you, enjoy the silence. (Thank you Depeche Mode).

For those I have inflicted myself upon and to those harmed by my constant rhetoric, in any negative way, I truly am sorry. Most especially to Tamara…I am taking this vow of silence to honor you. I am taking this time and space to honor us and our relationship. I love you and I honor the highest place in you that simply needs some peace and quiet. At the beginning and end of this day, I am doing this for the evolvement of my own soul, to exhault my pinnacle with Aiden and to lift us all up. And so it is.

To my clients and friends who will encounter me this week, I will be in silence when I see you and you may talk to me and act as you normally would. There will be just be more space for both of us as I remain inside myself and my words. I will be blogging and texting, as my life and my wellness and my existence thrive upon contact with each of you. I am just evaluating what that will look like henceforth.

To each of you, happy Sunday. I love you and I sit in silence and solidarity for us all, that we may know the power of our words and choose them wisely and carefully. Words, once release into the universe, cannot be retrieved. Most especially, let us choose the words we speak to our children and the animals we share space with much more carefully. In my silence, I lift up our six pack, that they may know my silence, as I have screamed and begged for theirs. May they carry me as my heart softens and as my mouth closes, that I may relish in the beauty of their songs. As the dysfunction melts from me and as the trauma in the wake behind me falls away, I stand humble here before you with nothing else to say. And so it is.

“Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this.” Trevor Hall

Happy Saturday everyone! I love you. I apologize for my low vibing energy lately. I definitely got stuck in a rut. Fortunately, I walk with amazing angels and I rise up this morning. To each of you who has also fallen along the way, I lift you up with me this morning. With my hand outstretched before you, you’ve a choice to take hold or not, just as we all do. I’ve been unable to take hold until this morning and so with all of my love, I reach to anyone in that struggle. Just let go. Stop fearing the fall and just let go. I am in free fall right now myself. The letting go was scary and the fall has its moments of uncertainty. The bottom comes quickly some days and I’ve learned that’s okay too.

We are all in this together and I’ve been called to action. I am in the process of bringing myself forward and I believe I’m about to get a pretty swift kick in the ass to do so, so, hold on you guys…we are about to exhault our pinnacles with Aiden. All of those good things that Nahko speaks of….all of the good things coming…those good things are here already! We are about to embark up on them together.

My mind is being emptied of all of its contents. There is major demolition and renovation going on inside of me at a cellular level. All that does not serve is breaking off and being removed in truckloads. Material possessions, thoughts and ideas…ideals and expectations…wants and needs and desires…it’s all being leveled as we speak. My heart is being repaired and the thorns are carefully being removed and dislodged from my psyche. The holes are being mended and the bleeding is coming to a slowing stop. The generational pain and annihilation of broken beings many centuries ago who raped children and destroyed animals is being called front and center and I shall be responsible for the healing of this devastation. I shall be the keeper of this gate and there will be no passage until we get her locked down, sorted out, healed up and for to return to mainstream. We will not keep polluting the stream and pretending it’s not killing our oceans.

So it is written and so it shall be…so everyone hold on! We are not in practice mode any longer. This is the real deal and we are headed to our heights! I repeat, This is not a drill. Please gather your things, and only the things you really need. Leave the rest behind. Come with me. Thank you God, for everyone and everything in my beautiful life!And so it is.

Have a beautiful Saturday everyone! “Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this.” Trevor Hall

I write for one of my dearest friends since mid school this morning…love her up please❤️

Good morning everyone. Happy Friday the 13th! Today is a difficult day for someone whom I love very much and someone whom I have loved for a very long time. A week ago my friend found her boyfriend deceased when she went to go meet him for morning coffee. My world tilted upon receiving this news. Words left me. My heart holds hers and I reach out to each and every one of you this morning, and I ask you to stop what you are doing and lift my sister up to God himself to comfort her on this day. A week ago her world literally shattered into a million pieces.

Many of us are struggling, aren’t we? In relationship, we struggle. In work, we struggle. In friendship, we struggle. Internally and externally, we struggle.

I never had the blessed privilege of meeting my friends boyfriend. I was just too busy to make the time I guess. More over, there would be time to meet him later. I would make time later to meet the guy who lit my friends heart ablaze. I got a text last Friday…”I found my boyfriend dead this morning….” Let me tell you something…there is no appropriate response for a text like that. There are no fucking words or subsequent texts that say enough or say it right. There isn’t a hug big enough or empathy strong enough for pain like this. The pain of my friend, which I jumped in front of is a pain that I would not wish upon anyone.

My dearest friend,

I write this open letter to you a week after receiving your text about Ron. I write this letter to you, for everyone this morning, at Rons request. I would typically ask permission and he is very clear that he has granted permission from his new realm, and so I’m going with that this morning.

Tracy, girl, you gave me something that no one ever gave me before. Your love and care for me changed my broken heart. Your faith in me and love for me healed parts of me that I thought would never heal. “Close your eyes and tell me what’s your wish. Close your eyes. All we’ve got is this baby”…you’ll always be my baby. I love you. I am never far away. Love, your man

Thank you for coming by this morning brother. I will be with your girl today and we will be with you ❤️

I Always open my blog for messages from places that others cannot receive messages from. Ron wants me to let you each know that waking up dead has been, by far, the hardest thing that ever happened to him. Being there and not being there…being gone and not being able to come back…being touched and not being able to touch back. Being dead on the other side of the cooling glass and unable to reach out and comfort the person who you gave yourself and your heart to. Death doesn’t allow for two cups of hot coffee in the morning and the empty cup echos the conversation you yourself are dying to have with the one gone from you.

Many of us have strayed far away from all that we hold sacred and dear. Many of us have completely given up on things that may have had some life still left in them. Many of us are sucking the life out of things with little life left in them. Some of us left the driveway. Some of us stayed in the driveway. Some of us live and some of us died. If you have someone this morning, Ron says to grab two cups and run to them! Do not pass go. Do not make excuses and don’t let your blame and shame derail you from them.

For anyone who is not sitting here this morning with an empty cup of coffee and an empty chair before you, a broken heart inside you, and no moments left, I’m going to encourage you to move your ass quickly to the one you love with a hot cup of coffee this morning. I’m going to offer you the insight to make some room for amazing conversation and close your time together with your biggest hug. Time does run out. Coffee does get cold. We give up and we cannot go back and un-give up.

A week later, I am here to tell you, as I head to the funeral home this afternoon to pay respects to a body I’ve never laid eyes on, I wish I had made time for what is important to me. As the service approaches tomorrow and as the procession gathers behind his hearse for his final ride to Santa Fe tomorrow, for interment into our National Cemetery, I close my eyes and remember that all we’ve got is this. Ron served our country in the United States Air Force and I thank you for your service brother.

Ron passed away Friday, September 6, 2019 at his home, at 61 years old. He is survived by family and friends and by my dear friend, Tracy, who meant everything to him, and he to her.

Whatever it is and however you ended up in your predicament…however badly it hurts and however difficult it is to communicate…you aren’t dead on the floor this morning and God willing, you’re not standing over the one whom you love dead this morning. Sit with that for as long as you need to and then do what you need to do. Time does run out. Ron should know a lot more about any of this than we do this morning, as he reaches for a coffee cup that he can no longer hold from the other side this morning and a girl that he loves and cannot hold through the pain of losing him.

I am going to ask each of you to say with me this morning….”I love you Tracy. Our arms and or love surround you.”

All of my love to you Tracy and to each of you. Go grab two cups of coffee this morning, for Tracy and Ron, and let’s lift them up. Go grab your someone and fix whatever is broken. Time does run out.

I am off to get me some emotional intelligence…you want to come too?

Good morning everyone. I appreciate all of your love as I navigate some difficult terrain on my life path. I know I have always been extremely hard on myself and I am learning to love myself better. It’s not easy, as I am learning that my patterning is lacking some integrity in some places. I am learning how flawed I really am and how many mistakes I have made. I am learning that I was the one who was wrong when I was blaming others. I am learning how deeply and badly and consistently I was harmed and I am really trying not to be harmful to others. I have been harmful to others and that is a hard pill for me to swallow. So…I guess I do beat myself up over it. I am a work in progress and I am definitely a hurt people who has hurt people. What in the fuck do we do when we wake up to realize who we have been? How do we not want to go back to sleep or cease to exist all together when we realize that we are the most fucked up part of our equations? For me, I’m struggling with those questions and with the want to be here now. I am struggling to ceasefire on myself and to stop reliving all of this pain. I am aware that the only thing I’ve really got going for me right now is my ability to own my shit, which isn’t much really. I will be mucking this out for a while. I have been sitting in it all of my life…a cesspool of shit…marinating in it and bathing in it. It is way past time to come clean. As I come clean, there are many tears and some regrets. There is a lot of pain for pain I’ve caused. There is collateral damage for my selfish and senseless actions and inactions. So, if you’re looking for me, I will be dealing with my part of the cesspool. I think I’ve walked around this pool my whole life and been thrown in it consistently. I swim in the deep waters, the murky and cloudy waters of a pool that my family created simply by doing nothing about this pool at all, except for to deny its very existence. Alcoholism and incest…child abuse and infidelity…lies and cheating and berating and blaming…and it was my way of life for well, my entire life. Family get togethers and family reunions…all fueled by alcohol and inappropriate conduct, sexual deviance and perversion. Thanksgiving with a blanket of drunkenness and a twist of sexual deviance….as we give thanks over the big dead bird in the center of the table. The irony and dichotomy….the duality and triangulation…the push and the pull and the fallout of my life…all fueled by deep family pain and dysfunction. Generations of family pain and fucking with the children and the animals… the screaming and the pinching and the slapping and the punching…the lies and the sex and the fountain of alcohol to numb it all. As I stand here, looking back, I’ve a more clear view of it all. I am a product of my own abuse and I have been the abuser at times myself. I am a broken down alcoholic, incest survivor who just cannot get her shit together some days. Sitting in the middle of this cesspool this morning with the lies of my life ricocheting throughout my entire being…I just sit quietly. What else am I to do? I mean really…I guess I will just be sitting with all of this for a bit.

For those of you whom I have wronged, I ask your forgiveness. For those of you whom I’ve hurt, I am so sorry. For those who love me still and just them same, thank you. And as for me, I’m learning to love myself, in spite of existing in a loveless place for so long. I am learning how to be kind and not snarky and inpatient and sarcastic. I am learning not to laugh at what isn’t funny, but because I am uncomfortable inside. I am learning to be silent in my pain and to pause before I speak. I am learning that I’ve been more reactive to my entire life than proactive and I am making adjustments accordingly, as I am able. I see the hot mess in the mirror and I am trying to figure out what in the fuck to do with her. So, ya I guess I am a little hard on myself sometimes. I will work on that too.

I miss Aiden and I’m glad he is basking in his justice! I am basking in his justice too. Aiden sends love to his man without the leg often and I know the man feels Aidens love. Aiden knows that hurt people hurt people and he loves just the same. Some day I am going to be like Aiden. Some day, in spite of all of my pain and the wrongdoing in my life, I am going to exhault my pinnacle like Aiden. Some day my heart will love like Aidens and my mind won’t fuck everything up so much. Some day I won’t need any words and all I will be is love, like Aiden too. Today though, I am not Aiden, I am just striving to be like Aiden and missing Aiden so so much. I love you Aiden. Thank you for all of the love and trust and color and beauty you have brought into my world. I love you little buddy. I love you so much!

And so, with that, I am crawling back into bed to say my prayers. I will be here a while this morning, as I’ve no idea where to turn or which way to begin addressing the wreckage of my life. I can’t be sorry enough for some things and for some of the people who have landed in this wreckage. I lift up every single person that I have wronged or harmed this morning that they may be washed clean of the shit that I spewed all over them.

My main focus is my life henceforth is to practice emotional intelligence. Tamara picked this up at her conference on the Link between domestic violence and animal abuse. I had never heard of emotional intelligence. If you’ve met me, this is not a surprise at all, is it? Emotional intelligence is “the capacity to be aware of, control and express one’s emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judicially and empathetically. Emotional intelligence is the key to personal and professional success.”

And so it is no wonder that without emotional intelligence, I have missed key points in both my personal and professional lives. Better late than never, right? I mean it explains everything. Now I just have to unravel it all and get it aired out and healing and then we can begin again, building the Coral I know I am at my core.

As all of this pain and dysfunction and guilt and blame and shame begin to wash off of me, I thank God and each of you for your love and forgiveness. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you. Let us all learn about and practice some emotional intel today, shall we?

The struggle is real. I’m crawling back into bed.

Good morning everyone. I am sorry I’ve been a bit distant. I’m definitely in the struggle right now and trying to balance myself out a bit. I’ve a million words at my disposal and none of them seem to fit for how I’m feeling. I’m diligently working to keep my struggle inside and to not inflict myself upon anyone as I navigate through this. Social awkwardness and misophonia do not make the struggle any easier. In fact, those are the two reasons that I have come the closest to completely giving up on everything. The dysfunction in those dysfunctions is utter hell sometimes. Who else talks about how Betty White said that vaginas can take a ponding to a congresswoman whom she’s never met at a formal dinner where I’m actually a sponsor? Seriously, who in the fuck does that?! I do that. I’ve always done that. And socially awkward doesn’t quite seem to capture it when I literally have to excuse myself from the table and go to the bathroom to deal with myself. It’s like I have this horrible condition that I cannot seem to get under control once it breaches itself. Shit just comes flying out of my mouth and then I get nervous about it and it’s fucking on. Seriously, what in the actual fuck? Anyway, I’m keeping me at home for a bit and away from public situations that merit decorum. I guess I’m just not that girl and I never have been. I am not socially appropriate and I am spending some time looking at that. The worst part of it all is that it doesn’t really phase me much at all…at least not until I see the reaction on my girls face. That’s when it becomes clear just how badly I fucked up this time. Seeing that look is my cue that all that feels bad inside of me has seeped out in front of me and the struggle is real.

Noise is my very worst enemy and I battled that off and on all night. I cannot describe the battle and I didn’t win this war. I am never going to win this war. Misophonia will be the death of me…whether it kills me itself or whether I one day remove myself from it. It is the one thing wrong with me that threatens my ability to stay. Of all that is wrong with me, my inability to deal with noise and it’s intrusion upon me and my inner sanctum…that is my unraveling right there and there seems to be no help, no cure…no reprieve. Inside myself with the noise echoing and pinging and refusing to cease fire, I lose myself entirely. Yep, the struggle is real and I am spent before I even get out of my little bed.

I cannot describe the helplessness and hopelessness of feeling like I just can’t be taken out anywhere or the struggle of trying to show up and keep me on lockdown. I never really identified before or put words to this for myself. It is fucking hell and so I guess I just don’t speak of it. I am coming to realize that what is probably best for the world is if I don’t speak much at all socially. Maybe I should just reserve all of my words for writing my blog and lock down the rest. The confused and awkward rhetoric of a person never socialized is just a bit much for me and I retreat back into myself this morning. Crawling back into bed is the best thing g I can do for us all this morning. Have a lovely day. I love you.

Blessed

Today was a blessed day for certain. Amazing client in Santa Fe and a quick visit with a friend before I had the most amazing dinner with my brother and my girl and momma. Life is teaching and I am learning. Love is here and I am open. I am wrong and I am forgiven. Life is hard sometimes and that’s okay. I am becoming nobody and it’s the best thing I’ve ever done for me.

I thank you for loving me, even and especially when I’ve been unlovable. Have a beautiful evening everyone. Goodnight and sweet dreams.