Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Random Sunday thoughts and calling for some huggers…

Good morning everyone and Happy Sunday! We got some beautiful and much needed rain and I am so grateful! Feels like a good day to crawl back into bed and cozy up for a bit, and so I shall crawl back in and write in the cozy this morning. I hope you are cozy too, wherever you may be.

My life is shifting and growing, ebbing and flowing. Serenity looks good on me and I’ve decided to spend my time here henceforth. My life is a series of events that led me to right here, and I am thankful for every single moment. I spent the last week learning how serenity feels and figuring out how to detach from the pain that still lingers on. The pain of a past left behind didn’t leave when serenity showed up and I was a little out of sorts over this. Today though, I am so aware that the depth of my pain shall also be the measure to the height of my happy. We are in for a whole lot of happy up in here…a whole lot of happy!

Memories are a strange thing, aren’t they? I mean I know that they are just my thoughts really, and I must control what I think about a whole lot more than I have in the past. Our thoughts are so powerful, aren’t they? I am going to be much more careful about what is in my head from now on. My head and the thoughts in my head are my worst enemy…of this I have no doubt.

So, as I make this turn into positivity and shift from low to high thinking…as I turn from heartbreak and roll into awareness and clarity, I feel lighter and brighter. As I embrace those who do want me and as I release those who do not want me…as I come clean and bathe in the light of love, I am seeing a side of me I never knew existed before. I am seeing me simple. I am seeing me smile. I am beginning to let go and heal and I am so grateful. My life has been complicated and I have made that worse at times. Today, I strive for simple and I’m so okay with that.

To each of you who stands by me, thank you. For each of you who prays for me and loves me and lifts me up, I feel you. For those who don’t…adios! Truly, peace the fuck out man…no need to hang around here if I’m not for you. Go find what lights you up and what sets your heart on fire. I am not for everyone and that is perfectly okay. Some of you aren’t for me either and that’s okay too. We have made it awkward to dislike one another and I think it should be okay to really be mindful of who we have in our lives. We don’t have to like anyone and no one has to like us and it’s okay. We don’t have to be friends with people who aren’t our friends. We don’t have to stay in family that abuses and berates us. We don’t have to stay married to our abusers. We don’t have to be in the lives of those who have left our lives. We get to choose and we get to decide who we have in our lives. We don’t have to linger on, in desperate hope that they will just turn the fuck around and see us someday. Nope, we don’t have to do these things any longer. We get to say what feels good and what doesn’t feel good. We get to say “no” and you get to accept that “No.” is a complete sentence. And this is how we are going to roll henceforth. I’ve lost a lot of you and many of you have lost me, and I am finally okay with that. I’m not begging anymore. I am here and I am available to those who come here in love. I am preparing time and space for you and I will walk us home.

I allowed myself and my worth to be defined by others. I took the opinions and the ideas that didn’t jive with me and I wore them as my reason to be different than you. I hung out in my head, with my thoughts and I became consumed up there. I lost myself up there, in all of the chaos of my half-lived life. I don’t live in my head anymore. I don’t think about what hurts me anymore, so you are free to leave now. I will remember our laughter and our smiles and I will always love you and hold you in my heart. I will always miss the you I used to think I knew and I will still cry for you sometimes. As much as I am able though, and more than I am capable of right now, I will keep walking my path and beating my own drum. As I gather my tribe, I will increase in tempo and in rhythm. I will dance to my own music and I will write my own story. I was sure that losing you would kill me and it almost took me out. I really did not think I could go on without you and I didn’t go on at all for a long time. I waited in the shadows and the wings while you picked up and walked away from me. I chased your stale breadcrumbs for an awfully long while. The miles began to add up and the distance between us became an abyss. Voices turned to screams and love turned to anger. The truth became lies and reality became apparent…your work here, with me, is done. My work here, with me, is just beginning…MY life is just beginning. My love is going to carry us all home. MY love…the love that I feel and know and create and imagine into reality for myself is the love that shall be the vessel for our journey home. I’m sorry I dragged you along for so long, on a journey you never even wanted to embark on with me. You are free to go and I thank you for accompanying me as long as you did. Safe travels and all of my love as you find your own path. Go in love and stay in the light. I love you.

This morning I am grateful for all of those who held on for this ride. I really am so thankful to see so many of you still here with me. As I look around, I am humbled by your love for me. I am in awe of your devotion to loving me through this storm. I am so in love with all of you for loving me so, so much and for holding me and space for me in this storm. I see your beautiful faces and I am elated to be here with you!!

As I shift into my own power…as we ramp up and increase our momentum…as we hold hands and stick together…as we rise above the chaos, we rise to the challenge of being more than we have been before now…let us never forget where we came from and what it took to be standing right here this morning. We are powerful beyond measure. We are beautiful beyond recognition. We are rising from these ashes!

Happy Sunday everyone! Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I am determined to make it a good one! I encourage you to make it a good day too!

I am in the planning stages, still up in my head at this point, of another “Free Hugs” event. I am looking for someone to host me for a few hours at their business and to blow up and promote “Free Hugs” for a few hours in your establishment. The point of this is to build community and to open our hands and our hearts to each other. If you’ve a business and you want to host me for some hugs, please give me a shout! I will be booking a hugging tour, of this I’ve no doubt! Hit me up to be a part of this epic and feel good experience. I need lots of huggers, so hit me up, and let’s get to loving each other like a verb, shall we? Let me know if you want to be part of the hugging and we will get that going again!

With that, I will sign off for this morning. I love you and I hope to hear from you about some hugs!

Happy Friday

Happy Friday everyone. I hope you had a nice Independence Day. We had a beautiful day and I feel so blessed to be sharing my life with my beautiful girl! I really do love that Tamara and I have so much in common, and so much that individualizes us also. It was nice to enjoy being with my chosen family and to not worry about the family I’ve been so devastated about losing for so long. Serenity didn’t come without a whole lot of pain. Serenity came though, and I am so grateful.

I guess I really can’t explain how I really feel inside. It’s like an empty acceptance of something I do not even comprehend. I just have no words and I just can’t seem to find them. And so, silence is keeping me company and my mouth is taking a break. There simply are no words right now for the place that I find myself in sometimes, and so it is.

I woke up wanting to crawl back into bed and so that’s what I’m going to do for a bit. I hope you have a beautiful day! I love you.

Happy Independence Day!

Happy Independence Day! This day has particular importance to me, as my Independence is being celebrated in ways I could not have foreseen or imagined. Today marks independence for so many things that so many fought for and died for. Today is about so many things to so many people and I am no different. Today, I celebrate an Independence all my own. Today I celebrate those who fought and also for those who died for our Independence on this day. Thank you for the sacrifices you made so that I didn’t have to. I love you. Happy Independence Day!

This morning I choose me. This morning I hope you choose you too. Whatever that means to you and however that fits into your life…today, and every day, I hope you choose you.

I would like to thank my little brother for hanging in with me, through it all, as we break on through to the other side together finally. I love you Shawn, more than I will ever be able to express to you. For all of the ways that I have hurt and failed and disappointed you…for being a horrible fucking example of a functional human being, I truly am so deeply sorry. For being a tyrant of a big sister and a selfish bitch so many times…for being drunk and loud and disorderly and for being an embarrassment at times, in front of your friends, I am sorry. For missing your 40th Birthday party to stay sober, I will never be sorry, as that is the one thing I did to show you how I could be strong, in spite of what everyone thought of me…of what you thought of me, for being absent. I spent my entire life being absent in this intoxicated little body. I choose to be here, in this sober little body now, fully aware and accountable and present. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I know this now and I am only here by the grace of God himself. Thank you for having me in your life, in spite of me. I love you Shawn. I love you so much!

So, on Independence Day, to each of you, thank you for hanging in with me too. As I finally let go of things I cannot and will not hold any longer. As I pull the stone and the shroud away, I have made a conscious decision not to have the guilty pay. I have made a conscious decision not to get even or to take revenge in any way. On this day, I choose to celebrate my independence, with my girl. I encourage each of you to celebrate your independence and the people who made that possible with their sacrifices and their lives on this day.

I love you! Happy Independence Day!

Just stopping by to say I love you…

Good evening everyone! Happy Wednesday. Today has been an A.A. kind of day. I feel grateful and blessed to be in the rooms.

I spent some time with my brother this morning and that was wonderful! I surely have missed him and feel super blessed for our time together.

I have been so blessed with the most amazing soulmate and life partner. Truly, I cannot imagine my life without her.

Each of you has had such an impact on my healing and my growth, and I thank you for being here with me.

For tonight, I’m signing off. I love you. Goodnight.

There is no us and them my friends…

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday. I was scrolling this morning, feeling all of the pain and sadness out there this morning and so I wanted to bring some love.

We saw “Rocketman” yesterday. I highly recommend seeing this movie. I am so glad we saw this movie! I wonder if we will ever truly know how cruel we are to one another and how much pain we throw around at each other? We exist in a pressure cooker of sorts, don’t we? Simmering until our tops blow off with all of the fucking pressure. We must not really know that we don’t have to live like this. We must not realize that we don’t have to live in pain all the time. Our pain follows us and we keep dragging it along, don’t we? Look around you and just see all of the pain. How can we heal this pain? How can we begin to heal this pain?

Love is the only way to heal all of this pain. Love is the only answer to combat all of this fear and pain and confusion. Love is all we have to arm us against hate and fear and pain, especially of this caliber.

We are surrounded by people less fortunate than ourselves, aren’t we? We see people with less than we have at every corner, don’t we? If we have it bad today, someone has it worse, no doubt. We must start showing and sharing our love if we are ever to heal ourselves and each other.

I believe that we are made to share our lives. I really do believe that we are here to be together. Solitude is wonderful, don’t get me wrong. Having someone to go to bed with and to wake up next to…that matters. It matters not to everyone that someone shares their bed. Our lives though…we share our lives with others every single day, don’t we? We work with others and we commute and walk and go to and fro, with others. We ought to learn how to be with others…we need to know how to lovingly be with others, don’t you agree? Instead, we fail to hardly see one another at all. We don’t touch each other. We make scarce eye contact with one another. We talk about each other, instead of with one another. We divide and conquer, instead of coming together and rising up. We must begin to know that we are the problem in our equations. We are the common denominator, the one that just doesn’t fucking add up in our lives. We are the missing links and broken pieces of our own puzzles my friends. We are who is missing!

Death comes and takes our loved ones and we are absent of the love we thought we had, to pull us through. My mom is in the cemetery and I almost landed in an asylum! The death of my mom literally rocked my world right off of its fucking axis and I will never be the same. You won’t be the same either, when your mom dies. You won’t know it now…you cannot know it until you lose her. When you lose your mom, you will know then that you will never feel loss like that again. It matters not if your mom was an angel or the biggest twat this world has ever known, your world will crumble a bit when that woman leaves you for good. It doesn’t matter if she was you best friend or your worst nightmare, when your mom leaves this world, your heart will break in ways unimaginable to you. Nothing else will ever hit you quite this way. There is no other pain like the pain of losing ones mom. Having my mom in the cemetery across town has most definitely rocked my little world and I will never be the same. We are all like that you know? We all have something that rips our soul into shreds and levels our playing fields. We all have depths that even we have not encountered and darkness we haven’t known. We all have darkness inside us that stays back from the light. We all have regrets of some kind and things we’ve done unflattering to others. We have stories we are ashamed of and things we have participated in, our of alignment with our very own souls, don’t we? Maybe you haven’t fucked someone else’s wife or showed up drunk to work. Maybe you haven’t stepped out on your marriage, ever, or treated her wrong too much…and yet you could treat her better, wouldn’t you agree? And we haven’t all lost our way and sucked dick in the Oval Office, and yet, my God, haven’t we lost our way anyway? We didn’t all gamble our lives away or shoot ourselves up with heroine. Not all of us know what an eight ball is or how to freebase anything. We haven’t all been raped and pillaged and abused…some of us are the rapists and the abusers. We so easily call these things out in each other…all of the things that we have so shamefully done ourselves. We look outside of ourselves to place blame and adorn one another with shame. We look over there, instead of digging deep inside ourselves. We know it’s not our fault, don’t we? All of it…we are simply not it. We own none of it, and we wonder why it persists. We didn’t do those things and we don’t act this way. We are monogamous and loyal and sober and vegan. We are educated and moral and upstanding. They are the ones who act this way…just look at them. My friends..just look at us, looking outside of ourselves, at everyone else, to see what is wrong with our world. Just look at us finding all of that fault with one another, at every single opportunity and turn. Look at us mocking the downtrodden. Just look at us humiliating the homeless by simply having more than they do. Look at us in the bottom of our booze bottles, getting our chits signed at AA meetings. We have the whole fucking world fooled, don’t we? We can play the fucking game, at least as well as they can, so fuck them, right? No one tells us that we are the problem. No one hands us that fucking mirror. We can so clearly see the problem and it is them. We are not what is wrong with us…just look over there at them!!! My friends…there simply is no us and them. Us and them does not even truly exist. This concept of us and them…this divide and conquer mentality…this fracture in our own psyches…there simply is no us and them. We are waging war on ourselves with this mentality and with the rhetoric that accompanies this thinking. We are not separate. We are not divided like we believe ourselves to be. We…you and I…we are the same. We are one and we need to understand this. Until we are all well, we will all be sick. Not one of us will ever truly be healed, as long as one of us is suffering and unwell. We must begin to know this if we are to ever truly heal. We must hold hands and walk together and we must wipe away each other’s tears. We must lift each other up and hold each other close, if we are ever to heal what is broken in ourselves.

On this day, I want you to be reminded that there is no us and them. We are them and they are us. They are us and we are them. We are. As you venture out into the world today, do something to lift us all up, would you? Truly, before you leave your house…before you crawl back into bed and throw today into the fuck it bucket…do something for someone who can truly never repay you. Love someone who doesn’t love you. Hug someone who needs it more than you do. Smile at someone who lost their own smile. Be the reason that someone gets through this day, why don’t you? Open that door and hold it for everyone! Take an extra five minutes to do whatever it is that needs five more minutes. Pick up that trash in the ground instead of waiting for someone else to do it. Buy two of whatever you grab for yourself and give one away. Be nice and loving and patient and kind with your kids today. Tell your husband how dapper he looks on his way out the door. Hold your wife a few seconds longer as you leave for work this morning. Call your best friend. Write that letter and drop it in the mailbox. Call and say you’re sorry. Ask her out to lunch. Give him your number. Lift him out of the gutter, wash him off and lay him in the sun! Every day, many times, we have an opportunity to be for someone, whom no one else could be for them. Let us all go out and be love today, okay? I fucking dare you! There is no us and them. So go out there and do something for all of us today! Dial that love dial all the way up and let’s get loving, shall we? We’ve got this you guys…we’ve got this!

Happy first of July

Happy first of July everyone! I hope you had a beautiful weekend! I re-entered my life a bit and that was nice! I have become a bit of a recluse in the past few years and have seemed to do best alone in most situations since my mom passed away. So…it was nice to be out with my girl and to see our friends for a bit, and I am so thankful.

I’ve been thinking a lot about all of us lately. I think about what we are all doing here and what we are to one another. The illusion that we are separate is our greatest detriment, in my opinion. We feel alone, surrounded by so many others sometimes, don’t we? It was nice to be out amongst you all yesterday.

This morning I don’t have much to say. Soo hope you have a beautiful day. I love you.

So thankful for serenity!

Serenity is a place I’ve never been, until now. I am grateful to be here. Thank you for all of the love today. Thank you for all of the hugs today. It was nice to be out with my girl for a bit. It is nice to be back home now.

Serenity is a peace of mind. I have peace of mind. All of the calculating and computing and frustration have left me and I am at peace. My mind rests and my heart is still. My life is good and I am so grateful.

We never know when we will find serenity. We cannot imagine it until we do and then we cannot imagine not having it. Today, I am so thankful for serenity and for each of you amazing and wonderful and beautiful people in my life.

Today, I am free of the bondage of my past and I am so thankful. Have a beautiful rest of your weekend. I love you.

I am Quitting my past cold tofurkey this morning!

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday! I began writing about a shift I had yesterday…an epiphany…an awareness, an awakening and an acceptance that came to me yesterday morning, for which I am so grateful.

Good afternoon beautiful people! I’ve a few moments before an EPIC studio session coming in and I’ve some great news to share with you all!! I was looking for an 8:30 am A.A. meeting this morning on Rio Grande to start my day off right. Early, as most always, I looked and looked and looked, to no avail for the meeting. I even went into a salon and asked if they knew where the address was. My experience in there was pretty typical…eye-rolls…you’re in the wrong place….and they had no idea where my meeting was. I was discouraged for a moment, as I stepped back outside to start looking again. I looked at my car, Big Book in hand, I chose to sit on a bench nearby and to have my own meeting this morning, instead of leaving all together. I thought I would read Chapter two, as assigned by my sponsor on Monday, and so I did. I read chapter two. I sat a spell longer and I reflected on something Wayne Dyer said. I am on an “All Wayne, all the time…” kick right now, as I need a spiritual kick in my ass. Wayne has never not given me that when I’ve called for it and today was no exception. Today Dr. Dyer was talking about quitting our pasts cold turkey, so to speak. Like right here and right now…just drop it. Somehow, today I heard it and I got it and I’m so fucking grateful for that. Drinking…I quit cold turkey. Smoking…cold Tofurky. My past, beginning today…I quit, cold Tofurky! Truly, I got it today…what all of you have been saying all along. My family doesn’t want to be with me. My past is behind me. My mom is dead, God rest her precious soul. I am here and I don’t need anyone who doesn’t want me in their life in their life. Not anymore.

Something lifted and shifted for me in those moments on the white bench, right around the corner from the AA meeting I missed. Something released and let go and I realized that I am okay. I became aware of a family that simply never wanted me to be in their family. I became equally as aware that I do not want to be their family either. I have hurt over all of this to the point of nearly ending it all. I have pursued these people to the ends of the earth for my whole life and it is finally finished. Yesterday, sitting all alone on that bench, I accepted who I am and where I am at in life. Yesterday I let go of my wants and needs and desires. I released my expectations and I just let it all go. As people came in and out of the Seasons, I released the memories of Mothers Day’s long past. I let it all just drain right out of me, right then and right there. All of this self-loathing and pathetic begging and wanting for something so long gone and far away from me…I just stopped. I just stopped wanting. I just stopped crying and hurting and needing the thing I thought I needed most.

Yesterday it felt pretty surreal. I awoke this morning and realize that I am still okay. This morning, I’m not grasping for my past. I am not angry or hurt or concerned about all that has plagued me. I’m not agitated or crying. I just am. I am so grateful for this revelation. I know that it is the sum of all that each of you have said to me all along…the words all finally fit together and made sense to me. The words that finally tied the bow on this little package came from a friend who told me, simply and very matter of factly, that my family simply doesn’t want me. What an astute observation. Truly. I missed that. I couldn’t even begin to fathom it and I guess the truth is often like that, isn’t it? Right in front of my face all along , and still so far from obvious to me, was the truth. So, this morning I am grateful to wake up here alone, without trying to attach myself to anyone or anything anymore. I am thankful to be a lone wolf and not merely tolerated. I have taken the pack off of my back for once and for all. I am done here and all of this is finished. It is a bit surreal to stand here by myself this morning, looking all around me. It began to feel a little empty until I realized that I’m not empty. I’m simply making room for those who have made room for me. There is a lot of room now and I am looking forward to the journey. For those of you who stayed and waited for me to come to my senses, thank you. I know you have all been patiently waiting for me to simply turn around. I know that you are my family and that you have chosen me to be so. I’m sorry I kept you all waiting. My tribe has assembled and my people have spoken. It is finished.

As I stand here and take one long, hard and last look around, and as I pack all of my trash to pack up to move out, it is so barren, so desolate. Don’t worry you guys….this is the last time you have to busy yourself when I stroll by, in an effort to not exchange words. I’ve no words left. I’ve nothing at all left for this place or for the people who occupy it, except for all of my love in parting. I am leaving for us all. I am going for us all. Most of all though, I leave here for me. I accept what I couldn’t accept all along and I say a prayer of thanks for all of the lessons and the blessings I have acquired here. I shall not pass this way again. Not in words nor deeds, not in death nor in life…shall I pass this way again.

For all of you who have known me for so long, I am here to let you know that the letting go has taken place. There is still some pain and as it lifts, I don’t want to talk about my family of old anymore. I don’t want to swim in this pool of pain anymore and I don’t want to inflict anymore pain either. I am simply walking away. To each and every person who has journeyed with me, thank you. To my mom and Dad, thank you. To myself, for finally knowing my own worth, thank you.

I stand here in the sun awhile, as I reflect on where I’ve been, before I head to where I’m going. I vow to not look back. I vow to seal the vault and to not return to this place again. This truly is finally finished. Walking away this morning, I know that I am saving us all, for our work here is done together. For all of those lessons, most especially the ones I now claim as blessings, I am so thankful.

As I finally turn around, I see all of you waiting with open arms for me. Thank you. Thank you for waiting for me to get it. Thank you for not giving up on me.

I am somber this morning, for I feel that I m at a funeral, laying to rest my entire life and all of those I’ve loved. I mourn as the caskets begin to close and lower into the ground around my mom. My family has forsaken me and I have forsaken them. I bury my past and all of its sickness and dysfunction this morning, I thank God for another day. This service is over and we are all free to depart from here and resume our own lives. All of my love family. All of my love and no more of me here anymore.

For a while I may not want to speak of my life before now. For a while, I just want to be silent and to learn what I don’t know. Thank you all for loving me through the most difficult task of my entire life…letting go of that which no longer serves me.

For all that I am not, there is much that I am. For all that you are not, there is much that you are. For all that we can no longer be for each other, let us go and be for someone else. This life is too precious and too short to spend one more moment in my past. Cold Tofurkey this morning, I quit my past! And so it is!

I have had the most epic studio sessions in the last couple of weeks! Yesterday was no exception. I am able to offer one session this coming week if anyone is in need. I’m still getting some things squared away in my life and will have more time soon. For now though, if you need time with me, please PM me as soon as possible so I can prepare a space for you. Thank you to everyone who has scheduled. My time with you in studio session heals us both and I am so thankful for this time with you! Thank you.

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! That is exactly what I am going to do…I am going to go enjoy my new life! All of my love today, to each of you.

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday everyone. I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned for yourselves. I have a solid weekend of clients and I am so thankful. For all that pains me so sometimes, I really am so thankful. I don’t mean to complain, as I’m sure that my sorting shit out sounds like complaining sometimes, as my shit isn’t sorted out yet. Thank you for being here as I turn this corner and for your love and support. I feel very alone and displaced in this world without my family sometimes. A thought or a smell or a memory will take me straight to my knees. I will be fine and then I will be in agonizing pain, just missing my mom or my dad. It takes a bit to reconcile it, mostly because it just does not add up. The pain was so excruciating yesterday that I didn’t leave the house at all. The pain that came across me at the reality of the loss in my life brought me all the way down yesterday. I just found not reconcile it or find a place for all of this fucking pain. I woke up this morning and it started to begin again. Not today satan. Not today! I’ve got shit to do and place to be and people to see me I’ve not the time to sit around crying for people who left me of their own volition, a long fucking time ago. And yet, I wake to the tears rolling down my cheeks and the lump in my throat…the horrific feelings of abandonment that has annihilated my life and my self-worth, and I became sad and upset and angry and lost. First thing this morning, the pain had already set in and I was already going down. I refuse to go down today. I refuse to cry over being thrown away. Wasn’t being thrown bad away enough in the first fucking place? I mean isn’t that enough pain right there? I don’t need to heap anymore pain onto this pile and I don’t need to cry over this. I didn’t do this and I cannot undo this and my tears have more purpose than this, don’t they? Your tears have more purpose too you know?

Off to clients! Have a beautiful day! I love you!