Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

What is Winter Solstice to me?

Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Winter Solstice, also known as midwinter, occurs when one of the Earth’s poles has its maximum tilt away from the Sun. It happens twice yearly, once in each hemisphere. (Wikipedia)

Tamara and I have celebrated the Winter Solstice together for the past five years. Last night was no different. We celebrated our dear brothers birthday with our friends while celebrating Solstice. While we were breaking bread together, he asked us what Solstice means to us. I sat with his question and I answer this morning, what Solstice is to me.

Winter Solstice five years ago was a time of endings overdue and a beginning that I did not see coming. I live now where I visited for the first time five years ago. I am home. I was home then and I may not have known it and yet, I have always felt it. Tamara is home and winter Solstice reminds me of that. We must have our endings before we have our new beginnings. We must break before we can reconcile. We must fall before we rise. We must hurt before we heal. We must weather the seemingly invincible winters to receive the radiant Sun of the welcoming summers. We must hate to know love in its truth and entirety. Only then can we realize that they are one in the same…love and hate. Deeper depths allow us to reach higher heights.

I was not very alive five years ago. I was deep in addictive addiction and didn’t even realize it. I was in the most unsettling, ungrateful and abusive relationship of my adult life and desperately trying to figure out how to get her out. I was miserable and I was stuck and I was sad and I hated my fucking life. On the verge of losing everything, and I did finally lose everything…my house, my belongings, myself…I met the most amazing friend.

Winter Solstice, five years ago, was the first day of the rest of the best of my life. I had no idea then. I just knew I had the best friend I had ever had and I was so thankful. At a time when we both needed a friend…to listen, to accept, to be present…to talk for hours…to laugh the deepest belly laughs of your life with…to go and see the ducks at the pond with…to lie in the Sun and say absolutely nothing with…I met my best friend in that invincible winter. Everything else, I lost and I am so fucking thankful that I did. The darkest and longest night of the year, leading into shorter nights and longer days…as the Sun is being born again, so too was I…so too am I…so too are you!

With heavy wind advisories in effect and no snow on the ground, we were unable to have our bonfire last night. In keeping with our tradition, and I invite you to join us if you wish! I am making a list of things that I want the fire to take away. With all of the love and gratitude in my heart, I say thank you for the lessons and the many, many blessings. I place my list into the fire and I return to the universe what is no longer needed, and what does not serve my highest good. I say thank you and I love you and I let it go! And so it is.

I have come to many conclusions and the one that is hitting me heart center this morning is that my living is finally more important than my Moms dying. My life deserves me and my presence. My grief has taught me so much and I am so thankful. Spending time in the depths of this despair has awakened in me a desire to live without limits, to love and serve and to be, without expectations. And so it is.

Sitting in front of a cozy fire and welcoming the Sun into the sky, I give thanks for all that Winter Solstice has gifted me.

Winter Solstice to me, will always be Tamara and I. This shall be my beginning, my ascension from the grief that knew no bounds. This morning, my list for the fire is simple…”I release into the fire all that does not serve my highest good, the highest good of all of humanity and of all sentient beings, all of my expectations and my hopes disguised as expectations, all of my fears and my resentments of myself and of others. I let go of negativity and negative self-talk. I release my need to be right. I shed my ego. I open my heart. I thank you for the lessons as I turn them into blessings. I let go. I release fear. I release blame. I release you. I release me. I forgive you. I forgive myself. I let love. I am love. So be it.”

So, I have decided that this day shall mark the first day of my 365 Day Blogging commitment to myself for my second year!Thank you for being here for my first 365 or so days and for meeting me here every morning. Thank you for fighting my demons with me and for loving me and praying for me through it all. I love you! Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Let us all awaken anew this morning and let what is behind us go. Let the ones who left us rest in sweet peace as we give ourselves permission to find peace of our own. And so it is.

I dedicate this blog to everyone who ever worked for me…(inspired by Kelli)

Happy Wednesday everyone and Happy Halloween! As a child, I loved Halloween. My mom made our costumes and we got to go trick or treating. Halloween was always special for us. The holidays were always so special to us.

Halloween also marks the beginning of my life’s work. I adopted Max from a local rescue. Max was scheduled for FHO surgery today in 2010 or 2011. (I think it was 2011). Meeting both the veterinarian  and the president of the rescue for the first time, at the vet on the afternoon of the 30th for Max’s pre-op appointment, it was determined that Max didn’t need FHO surgery after all. Long story short, I am a licensed massage therapist and I knew Max’s hips hurt him. While I was watching TV, drinking a beer, I massaged Max’s hips every night and in the morning and all the time. Recounting this period of my life still stings me, as it was a period in which I learned some of my hardest lessons. This period of my life also introduced me to the next level of Coral.

I graduated from massage school in 2008. I hated being touched and I hated touching people. I was working downtown as a bar manager when a young man was jumped by 8 other young men. I was walking to the burrito truck before inventory when I saw him. Bleeding out and convulsing, with people all around and no one touching him, I got down on my knees and held his crushed head C-spine in my hands the best that I could, as his life bled out all over me. He opened his beautiful green eyes one last time, as his mom sobbed in the background on a friend’s cell phone. EMS response time was over 19 minutes and his BPM dropped to 3. He wasn’t pronounced when I took my bloody hands from his hair, and yet he was gone. Unbeknownst to me then, I was gone too. All I saw in his eyes as he took his final breaths was my own little brother and all I could hear was my own moms voice. The aching in my soul for the woman who lost her little boy that night and for the little brother I saw in his eyes, as I walked him home…fuck…just fuck…This was the third person in a two or three week period who I witnessed lose their life downtown, and I was done. I was literally and completely done. I quit my job as a bar manager. I went the next day and applied for massage school. The rest is history.

Today, I am just Coral. I have worked for all of these years to credential myself . I have searched myself completely stupid trying to find out who the fuck I am. You cannot imagine the countless hours and dollars I have spent on business cards and brochures and flyers to sell myself to you. I have taken classes and more classes, attended seminars and lectures. The humans brought me to the animals and the animals brought me back to you. I am in your homes every week working on your animals, and yet I am finding that my work is also with you. My gift is in my ability and in my willingness to help you. I am rearranging people’s homes and holding their hands in prayer. I am working things out with you that I know everything and nothing of. I am available and I am willing and I have been where you are. I care about you and I love you. I will ask you again how I can love you better? How may I help you? One thing that all of my many jobs and my many experiences has taught me is that I cannot be boxed in and anchored down and labeled.

Being your manager was so fucking hard for me. I hated having to be all of these fucking things I wasn’t and making you be who you weren’t either. I hated having to separate myself from you and I couldn’t do it. I gave a shit about you and I wanted to help you. I didn’t ever feel above you, because I wasn’t and yet I was expected to behave as though I was. I cared about you and your families. I wanted you to get promoted. I wrote and rewrote schedules enough to almost get me fired, to try to accommodate and honor your individual lives. I covered your bartender and server shifts so that you wouldn’t miss your first dates, and you all worked your asses off for me. I fucking loved you and that wasn’t in the handbook. I told you I loved you and that was fraternization. I got the worst scheduled because I was gay. I was told that straight to my face. I worked open to closes because you had kids and a family. I had kids and a family too. Three kids to be exact. My employees knew my family and my family knew my employees. I wanted to be a good manager with a Coral twist. I will suffice to say that this Coral twist was not only condemned but caused such hatred and contempt amongst my peers, that we almost ended up in a class action lawsuit for sexual discrimination. My attorney was paid off and we settled out of court for next to nothing after his fees. There was a gag order placed on me and my career was destroyed. My integrity questioned and my name drudged through the mud.

I bring this up because I have been reunited with one of my employees. I cannot tell you what it means to me to have just celebrated her Birthday with her and her son and her husband and my wife.

Kelli, you have no idea how you have touched my life. When you worked for me, you were kind. You were hard working and honest. You had integrity and you did your fucking job. You made my shitty job of babysitting and being babysat easier, just by being you and doing your job. When I was called to your tables, I was called over for compliments. You have no idea how many desserts I comped in gratitude for these compliments about you. When my closer walked, you stayed and helped me close. When I was being berated, you rallied the troops to keep me going. You stood up for me and I for you. When the other bartender was robbing us blind and stealing your tips, I was preparing our case. I was defending us. I know you knew that. I hope you always knew that you defended me too. To have you back in my life…to be a part of your beautiful family…to break bread with you and yours and to have you here volunteering with us…fuck girl…it was worth every single gut wrenching minute. Everything taken from me in that era of my life has been returned tenfold upon your return to my life…upon so many of your returns to my life.

My blog today is dedicated to Kelli and Josh and Lauren and Matt…Sigrid and Gail…Angela and Erin…and every single employee who ever worked their ass of for me…who went to bat for me…who stood up for me and stood down under me, so that I could do my job.

Today I renounce the titles and the labels. I blow the rules and the expectations out of the fucking water, just to let you know that I am Coral and I am here to help you. Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you Kelli. Thank you.

Thank you

Back to back clients all day long and I am so, so blessed…so fucking blessed to be doing me for a living, after all of this time. Trusting my instincts and my intuition and releasing any doubt or reservation…any self judgement or judgement from others. Being authentic and being in the now…being me, to help you. I’m not sure there’s a business card for it or a business name attached to it. I am sure that I am enough and that I can help you to help you. Of that I’ve no doubt and that is why I am here.

I just began allowing myself to be myself recently. I am unedited. I am unfiltered. I am real. I am. I love you. Have a beautiful evening. Thank you for your love and faith in me. Truly. Thank you. I love you.

An important message from Baby Taos…

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday. Taos and I are cozied in and ready to write. Taos did great with the pellet stove this morning! It has been a struggle for her to self soothe through her own demons and she is doing fucking amazing! We are all learning to self soothe, aren’t we? How the fuck do we find it within ourselves to love ourselves enough to soothe ourselves through the terror of our lives? Where do we learn love like this? Where, pray tell, can we learn to calm ourselves in our storms? I used to scream at Taos to calm the fuck down. Yep, fucking brilliant am I. Screaming at me in a PTSD meltdown could keep me in an extended stay there. It will be no surprise that my screaming at Taos during hers kept her there much longer also. This morning though, we held each other through the pellet stove lighting. We stayed in each other’s arms until it was safe again. Learning to love my dog, and I mean really loving Taos like a verb, has been so hard for me. Maybe I didn’t feel worthy of such love from her, so I witheld love from her. I know I mimic how I’ve been dealt with in my dealings with baby Taos.  My irritability with her is familiar to me, as it mimics the irritability launched at me.

Taos is a reminder to us all that the mirror we are holding up for another actually works both ways. We all do our prospective “jobs” and then come home to the exact situation we professionally handle all day long, only to fucking lose it when we have to manage the theoretical situation of our client in our own living rooms. All day long, I teach relationship skills and training and behavioral advice and implementation, and then I come home to my dogs pissing on the carpet and acting fools, and suddenly, I’ve no coping skills. Suddenly, the amazing therapist who just stood in your living room, is standing in her own living room without one fucking clue what to do. The therapist that you rely on to help you to manage your dogs is two seconds away from a colossal break herself as she sets her bare foot down on the carpet to feel the wet sensation of yet another spot of dog urine. It is in these moments that we truly learn the most, if we will only allow it. Why, pray tell, would my perfectly potty trained dogs piss on my beautiful carpet? Wait  for it….I will tell you it’s not because they can’t hold it and it’s not because they never go outside. Our dogs are mirroring us and reflecting our chaos. Our dogs soak us up and take us in and when our lives are unmanageable, they shit it out on our fucking carpet. Our dogs openly receive us and all of our bullshit and then they do what we do, they have their own experience. The shit in the middle of the room is your wake up call. You’ll do what I did and you’ll take your dog to the vet, worried and concerned about this abrupt and unrelenting piss on your carpet and shredded blankets and behavioral outbursts. “Oh my God!!! Please help my fucking dog! She is a fucking disaster! My dog never shits in our house and she never pees on our carpet. Please help her! I think she is fucking incontinent. I am so worried. Please help my precious dog!”

Coral…shut the fuck up. Calm the fuck down. Chill the fuck out. Your dog is fine. Your dog is not incontinent and she is not sick. Your dog asked me to figure out what is wrong with you. Your dog just told me that you are wound up so tight that you barely fucking breathe at all. Baby Taos has observed that shit flies out of your mouth constantly, all over her, with no warning what so ever. Taos is worried about your incontinence, because she says it gets better and then you just spew shit all over for seemingly no reason at all. Taos is also concerned that you push away the very things in your life that you need the most. Taos says you cry a lot because no one loves you, and she is very confused because she only wants to love you and frankly, you are rigid and closed and unwilling to open, which is all that is keeping love from you. Taos says that she wanted to bring you in last week because some of your behaviors are concerning to her, and she kept you home instead to observe you a bit longer. Taos showed me the pictures on her phone of the pile of shit that she is most concerned about and I think I should probably run a fecal on it. Fecal matter like this is indicative of many things that we should be concerned about.  Obviously, looking at this pile of shit, you are not drinking enough water. The blood all throughout your stool indicates inordinate amounts of stress. The markers clearly indicate that you need to make some adjustments to what you are putting in your body, and if I may be very direct, I am concerned about the shit constantly flying out of your mouth. I am going to send you home with a nice cup of shut the fuck up, which should be used as needed, when your mouth starts running incessantly about things that matter not. I am also going to give you a stool softener to help you to pass the excrement built up over a lifetime that is obstructing your vision and your purpose. Taos says that she is so glad she brought you in today because she and her sisters and her bo bo Rocky have been worried about your condition for a while. Taos says not to worry, she will drive you home and get your meds and tuck you in and take the very best care of you until you feel like yourself again. Taos already called Aliah and Rocky to let them know to get your bed ready for you. Momma Tamara said she will stop at the pharmacy and the bears just brought your chickenless noddle soup to a slow boil on the stove.  Prajna and Karma Kai and Karma kitty are tending the fire and warming your blankets. Let’s go home momma Coral so I can love you through this.

So…with all of the humility and gratitude in my heart…with all of my love and thanks to the dogs who carry me through and the woman who loves me in spite of me, I close today’s blog with a message from baby Taos this morning:

Every day is a perfect day to begin again. Moments of life behind us have built us up to where we are. We must learn to recognize and embrace the beauty that is us, that lies within us…beauty that our world so desperately needs. Take some time today to let your dog help you to heal. Have a beautiful day everyone! Taos and I love you!

I let her be angry…

Good morning everyone. I’ve not been to bed yet. I couldn’t talk or sleep or stop crying. I couldn’t breathe. The letting go taking place took me completely to my knees yesterday. My life spun out of focus and I became dizzy and frazzled and wound up so tight that I couldn’t unwind. I came down here to come down, in hopes of returning to my life a bit calmer and more centered. I came down here so that I could go back up there when I released enough pain to not blow the roof off of our house. Pain like this…raw and uncensored…gut wrenching and life force robbing…pain like this releasing like a mother fucking power keg if I do not reign her in a bit. In these moments, in the aftermath of such heart wrenching awareness, I first felt like I had been hit by a truck. Followed quickly by nothing at all. And then more and more nothing at all. There is nothing that Edie Brickell and I hate more than nothing. “Nothing keeps me up at night. There is nothing I hate more than nothing.” All night down here felt like a whole fucking lot of nothing. Now, after the hangover…which is so fucking ridiculous, as I don’t drink anymore; I am settling into the okay of it all. Wrestling my demons literally all night long has made me tired. I was in battle all night long and I come to you this morning victorious. I finally slayed the demon that wouldn’t go down…I stand victorious over my rage at it all. We slammed and we thrashed and we hurled and we screamed all night inside ourselves. The rage boiled over and erupted into a volcanic molten lava that mother fucking drowned me last night. In the fire and the rubble and the discord, rage erupted again and again and again. I periodically peered out the blinds and up to our house, waiting quietly up the driveway for me. Seductive was the lure to her warm bed next to the love of my life. Teasing and taunting me as she spat in my face…rage erupted again and I settled back into the reality that it was going to be a long night for Sam and I. Longer if I ignored the rumbling inside myself that begged me keep my eyes and heart Coral. While rage tried to trick me again, into a slumber that would have insinuated my submission, I hurled myself again at her center and I raged on.

I raged inside and boiling over, at all of my expectations and my selfish fucking needs. I raged at my ideas of how things “should be” as rage tackled me at the gut and rolled me a few more times into oblivion; I refused to surrender. Of all of the things I’ve not wanted to be at any of this, is angry. I have dodged anger like a bullet headed straight into my heart. I have pushed her and stuffed her back so many fucking times, as anger does not serve me. Anger like this is dangerous, as it leaves me wondering why there isn’t a gun in my fucking mouth? Why do I keep coming back only to be pummeled again and again and again. The sharpness and quickness of one single bullet would surely be more tolerable than slowly killing myself the way I have been for my entire fucking life. That single thought kept me down here all night. One thought that the easy road would ever fucking meet the high road…or just one more hope. I stayed on the high road. I won’t lie, I am looking down at her depths and I see another bullet that I dodged. I peer over the edge as I gather myself to head up the driveway to have coffee with my girl this morning.

Yesterday had her way with me. Tossed and thrown across her razor sharp shards  and left for dead. Only the dark and stillness of the night could keep the rage at bay. Only the Black night sky and the chill all around me could have anchored me in that storm. Only unshakable faith and a knowing at the deepest level, of who I really am, could have kept me here with all of you last night, as my world caved in on top of me. Only the love of a girl, up in the bed all by herself, could have been enough to keep this heart beating and this girl going. Tamara never once gave up on me and I won’t give up on me either. Tamara never stopped loving me and I am going to start loving me too.

I came here last night to slay a demon. I vowed not to rest until she fell. Last night I slayed her in a battle of intention and resilience…I intend to use my resilience for the greater good of us all. I spent my life leaving my anger pent up and pretty locked down. I won’t lie…when she escapes, there is no way of knowing the destruction she will cause. Last night I came down here to let her out…to let her rage and to let her go. Anger served me well last night. Anger gave me permission to keep fighting and the vision to change my course. Anger raged in a warrior soul, untamed and unmatched…and I let her, until she is done. I let her be angry. And so it is. Have a beautiful day everyone! I’m off to see my girl for morning coffee! I love you.

The letting go has taken place…

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday! I was up early this morning. I was anxious to wake and get through the morning hell of missing my mom. Walking down to the studio, she was shining down on  me in the moon and the stars. I know she knows my pain. I feel her feel me in this indescribable loneliness, as I stumble down the driveway this morning. I truly cannot find words to articulate the raging and ripping and tearing and splitting in my soul as things once sacred to me fall away from me.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just wanted to be in their presence? Even making excuses to stop by, just to sit and stay a spell, in a place that feels familar to you? Coffee…water…nothing…just them. Just being there with them. After my Mom died, my Dad became that to me. I needed to occupy that space with him to soften the blow of her abrupt absence. His abrupt absence on top of that sent me into a place from which I’ve not returned. I went somewhere when he left. I go further there, the more distant he becomes. I feel my lifeforce falter as every step between us seems to tear at me, rip at me and own me for a few moments. No one can tell me not to feel this, although they do. In their well-meaning words, they try to bring me some comfort and some solace from this excruciating pain. I have come to accept that there is no reprieve. Hope crushing and soul shattering is the reality that I cannot make you love me. It’s me. You love me. I just cannot fucking feel it much anymore. You love me in your way. Your way is so different now than it has always been. I think you loved me through Mom and when she died, you stopped being able to reach me. I kept trying and you were already gone. Now, you tell me so I won’t find out through the grapevine, things that stop my fucking heart…,things that we once told each other. I don’t know why you don’t want me to know that something is wrong with your heart. A specialist…a trip to the ER for chest pain…and you toss it in at the end of the conversation, like it’s nothing. I do not understand. I called to say I love you yesterday, because I do love you so much. You didn’t call me to tell me that you had been in the ER the morning before, thinking you were having a heart attack. My brother doesn’t tell me he’s been in danger either and I don’t know why it hurts me. We used to be in touch and we used to see one another before we left town and let each other know when we were sick or leaving the country. We don’t do any of that anymore. My pelvic injections and my trauma and my pain…I shared mine with you, even though mom isn’t here to tell me how to do that anymore. I am here every single fucking day if you are wondering about me. I am an open book in a library full of books that you aren’t reading anymore. God damn it! Do you know how that fucking hurts me? It really doesn’t matter anyway, does it? I mean, we just learned that we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to anymore. When mom died, so did all of the rules that governed us into being a “family”. Three years and this year is no different…there is nothing fucking left. “Hey Dad, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? We are going to Carlsbad to be with her family.” Right on. I mean, I just didn’t know that we were done here, being a family ourselves. I cannot not know what I have come to know in these past three years…my family is gone. I have spoken of it and my soul cries in inconsolable pain knowing its truth…You don’t want to hang out with me anymore and mom isn’t here to make you. You have a new life and I am just too much, too little and too painful to fucking look at. I am akward and inappropriate and I say “fuck” too much. I’m offensive and overbearing and a fucking embarrassment to you, aren’t I? All of these years, your quest to keep me silent and appropriate and tucked away and now I am free too. I am not going to be silent. I am not going to edit myself. I am not going to do what I am supposed to do either anymore.

I have sat here every day of my life loving you so much. I have wanted so badly to be someone that you approve of and who makes you proud. I have tried and failed enough times to disappoint any parent or sibling. I have gone astray. I have never left and yet I’ve never really been here. I am not your version of me. I am not your idea of me. I am not callous to your nothingness. I am not less than you. I am not more than you.

I decided to do Christmas early this year for my family. I have decided not to buy any gifts. Instead this year, to each and every one of you, I gift you a free pass. This pass grants you exit from this fucking circus. Upon your exit, your pass will be invalidated and your access to all of the shows and events will be denied. This pass sets you free of any expectation I have had of you, just because you’re my family. This is a onetime pass and once it is handed over, you will no longer have any obligation to me. This pass will be the only pass you get, so use it wisely, as this is the only pass you get. Your pass, the greatest gift I’ve left to offer you, let’s you let me go. No more illusions or facades. No more masks and tolerating the time and language…the offensiveness and the stupidity of me. You are free. With all of my love, I gift you the only thing I have left. I gift any hope and all of my expectations of you. Three years of being excluded by nearly every single one of you has given me plenty to think about. All of the weddings and family reunions and funerals I attended because that’s what family does…every single Thanksgiving and Christmas for my entire life with my family…until my Mom fucking died. Unbeknownst to me then was the fact that everything else in my family died and is gone from my sight also.

Today, as the sun prepares to rise, I raise my face from the pool of tears in my cupped hands and I pray.

Dear God,

Thank you for this life. Thank you for those who brought me here. Thank you for the years I got to spend with the family I loved and cherished so much.

God, I come to you today to ask you to help me to let it all go. All of my hopes, especially the ones disguised as expectations, I release them now. All of my delusions of grandeur about how my life was and who we have all been to each other…I release it all now. God, I grant anyone and everyone who does not want to be in my life, safe access out of my life, no questions asked and no strings. I accept that I am your child and I am here to do your work: I set the circus down to free my hands to do your work.

God, please forgive me my many sins and transgressions. Please make me new and whole…complete and real in your eyes. Please take from me that which no longer serves me and my highest good. Please tell my mom that I love her and ask her to help me through this letting go of the things she insisted I hold on to. Please God, enlighten my ignorance and open my heart to only love. Please remove my fear and any doubts. Please use me to your service and to the service of others.

Please God, as I turn to go, bless my family always in all ways. Keep my Daddy and my little brother close to you and please keep them safe. Please forgive our family for their illness and for the pain they have inflicted upon so, so many.

Please allow me to trust your will and to accept it as my own. With all of my love, I release all that no longer serves me. With all of my thanks I close my prayer this morning God and thank you for hearing me. And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you.

I love you Jacob.

Good morning everyone and happy Saturday. I have been writing this blog post in my head for days. Scattered and unorganized with thoughts that don’t seem to string together, and yet I believe they do after all.

Driving home on 217 last night, in the dark, Tamara and I saw I light flickering and flashing and then a dark figure stumbling into the road. We turned around and went back and that is where we met Jacob. I haven’t stopped thinking about him since and I believe he would probably be dead had we or someone not turned back. We are someone you know? Each of us is someone. Jacob is someone. Someone saw someone struggling and someone stopped to help.

Jacob was grotesquely intoxicated and stumbling and falling. Apparently he had fallen in the culvert and just gotten back up when we saw his flashing light. The light was dancing and crashing around, at the end of his unsteady arm. We spied it in a single second…a second that changed the course of Jacobs life…of my life and of Tamaras life. Jacobs story is not mine to tell and I don’t know his story, so I can only speak to my own heart and the night I was Jacob.

This story still hurts me. Asked to marry her in a drunken stupor doing Jager bombs on the patio of a bar somewhere…I said yes. Our relationship reflected the dysfunction that we didn’t even know we were in. Sigrid was with me that night and she wept when I said yes. I later found out why…I was just about to hurt in ways I had not yet imagined. Anyway, one night, My wife had decided not to come home again and I went out with a friend for dinner and some drinks. I was the bar manager downtown at Maloney’s Tavern and we stopped in for some drinks after we ate. Some drinks became more drinks and then shots and I was taking my friends shots for her. At some point, I wandered off and never returned to the patio where we were sitting. Dialing my wife to help me, and no answer for hours. Drunk dialing and getting no answer, I just kept walking, trying to get home. I ended up on the flyover at I-40, looking down at the blurry lights of the cars speeding under me, past me, at me. I kept falling and hitting my face on the guardrail. I finally ended up at Broadway and my wife finally answered at about 4:30 am and came for me. Drunk with her clothes inside out and cum on the corners of her lips and face, she came screeching around the corner in her rental car. I had ruined her fucking evening…literally and she was not pleased. We got home and she locked herself in the guest bedroom and I passed out on our bed. The next morning, I woke up with the worst pounding and unrelenting headache. I made it to the bathroom and began pulling the rocks and grass burrs from my face and the dirt from my teeth. Lots of dried blood and so much pounding in my head…so much pounding.

I was Jacob. I was fucked up over a fight with a girl who didn’t fucking love me anyway. As it turns out, my girl became pregnant during those nights of never coming home, clothes insideout from her nights of fucking. And Coral was a destroyed and hot fucking mess for months and months. My wife left me only moments before I left myself also. Like Jacob, I did not give one fuck if a car did hit me. In fact, I remember praying to God that a car not hit me, but rather a huge semi truck, smash me into bits and end it all for me.

Jacob and I staggered and tumbled and plummeted down the hill into a tree together. Jacob gripped my arm for dear life, as though it was all that remained in this world for him to hold on to. I pulled him up with the help of the tree we just assaulted and I just held him steady close to me. Jacob, like me so long ago, was drawn to the lights. I pulled him back and he begged for both me to hold him safe and to just let him go. Tamara was on the phone and the police and EMS began to arrive. Jacob saw his life fleeting away in those moments, as the questions began and the lights closed in around us. Standing behind him, I shifted all of my love and heart energy to Jacob and I’ve not redirected it since. I am going to ask each of you to do the same now, and to love Jacob through this. We really and literally are just walking each other home.  I don’t know Jacob or his story and yet I am Jacob and his story is my story also.

Jacob didn’t know me and he didn’t know my story. I did get the vote of approval that lesbians are cool with him and so we made monumental progress in that moment, as maybe lesbians aren’t usually cool with him. Maybe his girl was at home fucking a lesbian and that’s why he ended up as he was last night? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. When you are loving someone with all you have, those labels and all of the venom that they held a moment ago just seem to vanish into thin air.

Love is a verb people…it really, really is. I fucking love Jacob. Tamara loves Jacob. Two girls loved Jacob when it mattered the most, as he was stumbling in the dark into a road that was about to take his life. Jacobs little light…he let it shine. “Darkness cannot drive away darkness. Only light can do that.”

All of my love to Jacob today, wherever he may be. Waking up this morning to whatever demons he has waiting, I step in and soften the blow for him, with allof my love and thanks that he is here with us this morning. I ask each of you to pause for a moment this morning and to say it with me…”I love you Jacob.” And so it is.

Happy Saturday everyone. Go out and be the love that changes the world today. You really are that powerful. Just ask Jacob. I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Saving it for the morning…

 

Good afternoon everyone! I hope you are excited for your weekend. I am working in the studio and so I will try to write later. I’ve been a little awkward lately. I don’t really for anywhere and so being down here works best.

Afternoon turned to a dinner date with my girl and now I am thinking I will save my blog post for the morning, where I am more clear headed and awake. Have a beautiful evening everyone. I love you

 

What exactly are you thankful for, asks the dead bird in the room?

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Good morning everyone. I want to begin with a prayer of thanksgiving for all that I am…all that I am blessed with…the love that I am and the love that surrounds me. Thank you for the life I have been given and guide me to its purpose. For the lessons turned blessings, I am thankful. For the lessons not yet blessings, please help me because they are so painful. The sunrise this morning…may I rise to meet her. The chill in the air, may I bring the warmth into the world to take her edge off. In all things, always, may I do your will and honor my own highest good and that of everyone I meet. And so it is. Amen.

We are living in uncertain and auspicious times right now my friends. We are so consumed by fear, parading around as hate, that we fail to realize that we are love. We are so busy blaming one another that we fail to see our own part in the clusterfuck we are in. We know so much that we no longer seek the truth. We search and seek and beg and pray outside of ourselves, failing to see or understand that everything, and I mean EVERY thing we truly need for our journey lies within us. We allow ourselves to believe that we are small and incapable and we are the fucking stars! We doubt our own intuition and wonder why harm comes. Our gut tells us, without a doubt, that there is danger and so we divert to our all knowing and shallow minds. Our hearts are fucking screaming and so we silence them with any numbness we can find…alcohol and drugs…television and depression. Our world is crumbling and all we can do is chop her further into bits and hoard her blessings for ourselves. Our fear of running out and our insatiable hunger for more leave so many with nothing at all. We do not give a fuck. We really don’t. Our convenience and our precious time are more important than her screaming. Mother Earth is fucking screaming! Mother 🌎 is being raped and pillaged and we do not run to save her. We bend her over and we take advantage of a moment that is going to cost us everything…a moment we keep repeating that says we are more and better and greater and that there is actually something lesser. There is no more or lesser. We are not a superior race. We are so fucking ignorant and self absorbed that we cannot hear or see or feel or know the heart of our own selves, let alone the heart of another. As we approach the holidays, I weep. Not just for myself and my self-absorption with my grief…also for you and yours. To celebrate our coming together, if that’s something that you do, we slaughter innocent animals and put their carcass in the center of our tables, and give abundant thanks for our blessings. What blessings are those? Who, pray tell, over the dead bird on your holiday table, are you thankful for? Are you thankful for the mother who prepared the meal today or are you crumbling inside for the mother in heaven who no one will even fucking acknowledge in their thanksgiving blessing today? We gather together for what? For whom? Decades of religiously gathering for the holidays in my family and then my mom died and I’ve not been invited to a holiday by a blood relative since. Who are we gathering with? Who is at your table and why are you at theirs? We call them family and I challenge you to ask yourself…are they really? Is this who I am and where I came from? Why do we scramble around at the holidays to be together somewhere with someone for our entire lives, only to realize that we have never, ever felt more alone? That alone doesn’t go away until we are together with ourselves. Thanksgiving must come from inside of us. We must be thankful inside ourselves to such a degree that we are never alone no matter where we go or what day it is. I challenge you to ask yourself what exactly about thanksgiving makes your heart thankful? I also am curious, other than because it’s the way you and your family have done it for generations, why do you celebrate your thanksgiving with someone who had to leave their own family, only to arrive dead and carved up in the center of your table for your family? When we know better, we do better. Now you know. Being thankful for your family, while depriving another of theirs, is not only hypocritical, it is unevolved. For your thanksgiving dinner this year, I challenge you to make a different choice. Be the change. The dead bird in the room may not mean anything to you, and yet as you rip the flesh from his bones to get to your wishbone this year, I challenge you to do more than wish…so more than carve him up only to ask if you want dark or white meat. Don’t carve him up at all. Make a different choice.

Samuel and Duncan ask me to remind us all this morning that they are someone and not something. They thank you from the bottom of their hearts, and yes, turkeys, just like us, have beating hearts, to make a choice to honor them here and now, in all of their glory.  We don’t gather with our families to eat our friends, do we?

 

Closing thoughts today…

Good evening everyone. I just want to take a few minutes to say that I am a little bit overwhelmed. I had an amazing therapy session today and it shed a lot of light for me on some things that I have been out of alignment with myself in, that I was totally unaware of. I want to love and to help everyone. I really, really do. I can’t. I just can’t. I want to share the things I have that may help you. I want to write for all of us. I want to be the change. In all of this wanting to help everyone else, I’ve lost sight of what is most important of all to me…me. Tamara and I and our life are most important to me. Things interfering in that in any way will be left behind. I need to pull myself and my life back in a lot, from the public place that opens me too far and takes too much from me. I am working on becoming who I am and in that I honor who you are. I really, really do.

I have shared too much of me with some of you. I have not known better. Now I do and I regress. I say this because being open is a two way street and I am on a one way right now. This season. This journey inward. This is my me time and I am here to claim it.

I am weary and I am grateful. I am full and I am thankful. I can offer you all of my love and beyond that right now, I am beyond my limit. I offer you a piece of me, every single day in my blog, without fail. It is with love for myself that I pull back inward and adjust my journey with my partner to steer us clearly on our path. We have our plates full and we cannot spread ourselves so thin that we lose sight of why we are both right here, right now, doing our work together. First and foremost is our love for and our commitment to one another and the Sanctuary that we co-created together and co-founded together…that we live and love in together. My choice will always, in all ways be her, even when I don’t show her in my actions, like I thought I was.

Anyway…just feeling myself turn inward and it feels nice to take the pressure off and the need to understand it all away. I am just a girl, as my girl always says.

Have a beautiful evening everyone. I love you. Goodnight.