Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Who are you when you think no one is looking?

Happy early Sunday morning everyone! My girl comes home on this day and I am so excited! I am so happy that she got away and had some time with her family and I am so, so glad she is on her way home to us!

Also, I am so glad that you are here! My blog had been all over the place. I have been all over the place. I’m glad we came back together in the healing room this morning. For all of your love and all of your prayers…thank you. I love you and I pray for you too.

I want to write this morning about how we see one another. How do we see one another? Do we see the God within the person looking back at us? Do we see the God within ourselves peering back in the mirror at us? We are God. God is us. However you do or do not see God…G.O.D Good Orderly Direction (Thank you for that Tamara). God your Savior. It matters not, for We are all just walking each other home. My point is that when we look at one another, we reflect ourselves back. It does not matter who you are looking at…this is true. If you light up at the sight of me you are mirroring a part of yourself that lights you up. If you want to cut me when you see me, and not that that ever happens…you are also mirroring a part of yourself that I trigger in you that you are less than pleased with.

Do you not want me to be better? Do you not want better for me than to see me not being better than you know I have potential to be? Of course you do! The great news is that this means you want this for yourself on some level too. You want to be better than you are. You want to be integrity and to epitomize the reality that integrity is what we do when no one is looking. Let’s talk about integrity for a second, shall we? Recall in this instant the last thing that you saw that didn’t set well with you that you did something to make better? Maybe you picked up a piece of trash. Maybe you helped someone in need. And…maybe you didn’t. Only you know…no one else. Here’s the clincher though, and the one that you completely disregard every single time…YOU know better. YOU are disempowering yourself by not doing better. You…the God within you…your inner moral compass…no matter who you are or what you do…you know. You fucking know. And guess what? So does she. You think that you have fooled yourself and by doing so you have convinced yourself somehow that you have fooled her too. You have not fooled either one of you and you’ve made yourself a fool as the door hits you where the good Lord split you because she doesn’t want to be fooled anymore. You already know she’s gone…your intuition (that is God talking to you by the way) has already spoken. We feel it. We know it. We often don’t want to know and much of the time we don’t know how to know what we have come to know and we know just the same, don’t we? Integrity…that’s who each of us live with or without every single day. What we do when no one is watching is what defines us. If you want to lie to me, be my guest. If you think that by doing so you aren’t doing the most damage to you…I offer you these words…be the change. Tell the fucking truth. It’s easier for one thing because you don’t have to keep track of the lies you told. Most of all though…it’s all we really have. If we can’t trust each other…those closest to us in our very own beds and homes…we need to make some more healthy choices for ourselves, don’t we. If you do not respect me enough to tell me the absolute truth, then please don’t say it at all. Give me you and I will give you me. Those of you who know me well know I’ve done it backwards my whole life…I gave it and hoped you earned it…your trust. It’s your trust. You earn it and we can go from there. For those of you living in lies…for those of you lying…for those of you being lied to…Why? If it’s not true, it’s not real…if it’s not real…look at that and do something about it.

Many of us are consciously working twelve step programs. All of us are working twelve step programs whether we know it or not. If you want to two step your fucking life away, don’t do it on my watch. Not anymore. Be a good and decent human being. Be honest. Practice integrity in all things. Be of service. Go out there and DO it and stop trying to do it. Yoda says that “there is no try, only do.”Go out there and get it and stop fucking whining about not having it. Save the marriage that your pissing away by being unaccountable. Tell her the fucking truth…she already knows so be the person big enough to realize that and own your shit before she asks you again or calls you out again. Love him enough to let him go if he’s really not the one. Let him go find the one. We all deserve the one. Don’t hold on to the one whose not the one because you have not found the one…be a good and kind person. You know what is right and just. Go do that. Be of service. Do something every single day for someone who can never repay you. Most of all though, be honest with yourself. Gut wrenching and soul crushing work…and so worth it. Why would any of us ever want to be with anyone who made us a second choice to anyone else in the first place? Be it a bottle or another woman…another man or a dissatisfaction for the way things are…Why would we stay when they left when they stepped out in the first place? We have to love ourselves better before we can love anyone else better. Loving someone better is a verb. Whatever truth that you have held that came to you during this post…go share that truth with the person you have been lying to and set you both free. Be the change. Be love in action. Integrity…it does matter. What are you doing when you think no one is looking? If you don’t like your answer…get up of your ass and go change it! Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! I love you! Did I mention that my girl comes home today?!

What is love to me?

Good morning everyone. I am in the process of merging my blog and my webpage all into coralsblog.com

Your patience is much appreciated as I learn how to get everything the way I envision it. I am honestly not sure exactly where you will be directed or what it will look like during this transition, so we shall find out together. Thank you for being here with me this morning, wherever “here” is.

I want to thank everyone who has reached for me. You have all helped me in ways you cannot imagine and I am forever grateful. Your calls and texts and emails have been life-sustaining for me and I thank you for the lifeline.

This morning has been a little stressful as I have been back and forth with tech support working on my blog. I am pretty novice at all things computer related and so doing this myself is a challenge for me. I am learning a lot. My frustration just overtakes me at my own unknowing of things at times. I am learning patience with myself and I am thankful.

I want to talk this morning about love. What is love? I can only speak from my own heart about this and so I will answer my own questions, as you do the same. How does that sound? Rumi knows love. I love Rumi. Part of my inspiration for love and my burning desire to love is because of Rumi. Ram Dass is love. Dr. Wayne Dyer…love. Maya Angelou and Nakho…SOJA….Love inspires me and love is who I am. Love is where I live and where I journey to and from. I would like to pause for a moment and silently thank everyone who has ever loved me, for you are my poetry.

Here we go:

What is love to me? Love to me is everything I have ever been and all I aspire to be. Love is my beginning and love will be my end into a new beginning. In every form I ever take henceforth, I choose to be love. Love is my cloak and I wear it for us all. Love is the acceptance of who and where and how I’ve been. Love may not have thrown me to my depths and yet, love is pulling me from them. Love is the reminder that I and you and you…and you…we are enough. Love is the warmth in the cold of night when hearing my own heartbeat reminds me of how much I really am. Love forgives my transgressions and love forgives you yours too. Love allows enough grace and mercy for even the least of us to rise up and become the best of us. Love gives us good orderly direction. Good Orderly Direction is GOD. Love is the glue for the brokenness amongst us and love is the hope…the only hope, of our future. Love is nothing special until you give it all away. You cannot hoard love and you cannot have to much. Loves abundance is inexhaustible and she is there even when you cannot feel her. Love brought me here and love will lead the way and guide my path.  You are love. You and I…we are so much more love than we even know. Love is our hope and our salvation and our only choice if we are to survive and prosper. Love is what we are leaving our children and our grandchildren, so we must start taking our job of loving them much more seriously. We forget and so I remind us all that love is an action word. Love is a verb. Love must be given and received and felt and known.  Love connects me to you and you to me. Love allows me to hear you, even when the words you say hurt me. love allows me to know you as I know myself and to feel for you the same. Love is Coral. Coral is love. You are love. Love is you. We are love.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

I dedicate this blog to everyone who ever worked for me…(inspired by Kelli)

Happy Wednesday everyone and Happy Halloween! As a child, I loved Halloween. My mom made our costumes and we got to go trick or treating. Halloween was always special for us. The holidays were always so special to us.

Halloween also marks the beginning of my life’s work. I adopted Max from a local rescue. Max was scheduled for FHO surgery today in 2010 or 2011. (I think it was 2011). Meeting both the veterinarian  and the president of the rescue for the first time, at the vet on the afternoon of the 30th for Max’s pre-op appointment, it was determined that Max didn’t need FHO surgery after all. Long story short, I am a licensed massage therapist and I knew Max’s hips hurt him. While I was watching TV, drinking a beer, I massaged Max’s hips every night and in the morning and all the time. Recounting this period of my life still stings me, as it was a period in which I learned some of my hardest lessons. This period of my life also introduced me to the next level of Coral.

I graduated from massage school in 2008. I hated being touched and I hated touching people. I was working downtown as a bar manager when a young man was jumped by 8 other young men. I was walking to the burrito truck before inventory when I saw him. Bleeding out and convulsing, with people all around and no one touching him, I got down on my knees and held his crushed head C-spine in my hands the best that I could, as his life bled out all over me. He opened his beautiful green eyes one last time, as his mom sobbed in the background on a friend’s cell phone. EMS response time was over 19 minutes and his BPM dropped to 3. He wasn’t pronounced when I took my bloody hands from his hair, and yet he was gone. Unbeknownst to me then, I was gone too. All I saw in his eyes as he took his final breaths was my own little brother and all I could hear was my own moms voice. The aching in my soul for the woman who lost her little boy that night and for the little brother I saw in his eyes, as I walked him home…fuck…just fuck…This was the third person in a two or three week period who I witnessed lose their life downtown, and I was done. I was literally and completely done. I quit my job as a bar manager. I went the next day and applied for massage school. The rest is history.

Today, I am just Coral. I have worked for all of these years to credential myself . I have searched myself completely stupid trying to find out who the fuck I am. You cannot imagine the countless hours and dollars I have spent on business cards and brochures and flyers to sell myself to you. I have taken classes and more classes, attended seminars and lectures. The humans brought me to the animals and the animals brought me back to you. I am in your homes every week working on your animals, and yet I am finding that my work is also with you. My gift is in my ability and in my willingness to help you. I am rearranging people’s homes and holding their hands in prayer. I am working things out with you that I know everything and nothing of. I am available and I am willing and I have been where you are. I care about you and I love you. I will ask you again how I can love you better? How may I help you? One thing that all of my many jobs and my many experiences has taught me is that I cannot be boxed in and anchored down and labeled.

Being your manager was so fucking hard for me. I hated having to be all of these fucking things I wasn’t and making you be who you weren’t either. I hated having to separate myself from you and I couldn’t do it. I gave a shit about you and I wanted to help you. I didn’t ever feel above you, because I wasn’t and yet I was expected to behave as though I was. I cared about you and your families. I wanted you to get promoted. I wrote and rewrote schedules enough to almost get me fired, to try to accommodate and honor your individual lives. I covered your bartender and server shifts so that you wouldn’t miss your first dates, and you all worked your asses off for me. I fucking loved you and that wasn’t in the handbook. I told you I loved you and that was fraternization. I got the worst scheduled because I was gay. I was told that straight to my face. I worked open to closes because you had kids and a family. I had kids and a family too. Three kids to be exact. My employees knew my family and my family knew my employees. I wanted to be a good manager with a Coral twist. I will suffice to say that this Coral twist was not only condemned but caused such hatred and contempt amongst my peers, that we almost ended up in a class action lawsuit for sexual discrimination. My attorney was paid off and we settled out of court for next to nothing after his fees. There was a gag order placed on me and my career was destroyed. My integrity questioned and my name drudged through the mud.

I bring this up because I have been reunited with one of my employees. I cannot tell you what it means to me to have just celebrated her Birthday with her and her son and her husband and my wife.

Kelli, you have no idea how you have touched my life. When you worked for me, you were kind. You were hard working and honest. You had integrity and you did your fucking job. You made my shitty job of babysitting and being babysat easier, just by being you and doing your job. When I was called to your tables, I was called over for compliments. You have no idea how many desserts I comped in gratitude for these compliments about you. When my closer walked, you stayed and helped me close. When I was being berated, you rallied the troops to keep me going. You stood up for me and I for you. When the other bartender was robbing us blind and stealing your tips, I was preparing our case. I was defending us. I know you knew that. I hope you always knew that you defended me too. To have you back in my life…to be a part of your beautiful family…to break bread with you and yours and to have you here volunteering with us…fuck girl…it was worth every single gut wrenching minute. Everything taken from me in that era of my life has been returned tenfold upon your return to my life…upon so many of your returns to my life.

My blog today is dedicated to Kelli and Josh and Lauren and Matt…Sigrid and Gail…Angela and Erin…and every single employee who ever worked their ass of for me…who went to bat for me…who stood up for me and stood down under me, so that I could do my job.

Today I renounce the titles and the labels. I blow the rules and the expectations out of the fucking water, just to let you know that I am Coral and I am here to help you. Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you Kelli. Thank you.

Thank you

Back to back clients all day long and I am so, so blessed…so fucking blessed to be doing me for a living, after all of this time. Trusting my instincts and my intuition and releasing any doubt or reservation…any self judgement or judgement from others. Being authentic and being in the now…being me, to help you. I’m not sure there’s a business card for it or a business name attached to it. I am sure that I am enough and that I can help you to help you. Of that I’ve no doubt and that is why I am here.

I just began allowing myself to be myself recently. I am unedited. I am unfiltered. I am real. I am. I love you. Have a beautiful evening. Thank you for your love and faith in me. Truly. Thank you. I love you.

An important message from Baby Taos…

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday. Taos and I are cozied in and ready to write. Taos did great with the pellet stove this morning! It has been a struggle for her to self soothe through her own demons and she is doing fucking amazing! We are all learning to self soothe, aren’t we? How the fuck do we find it within ourselves to love ourselves enough to soothe ourselves through the terror of our lives? Where do we learn love like this? Where, pray tell, can we learn to calm ourselves in our storms? I used to scream at Taos to calm the fuck down. Yep, fucking brilliant am I. Screaming at me in a PTSD meltdown could keep me in an extended stay there. It will be no surprise that my screaming at Taos during hers kept her there much longer also. This morning though, we held each other through the pellet stove lighting. We stayed in each other’s arms until it was safe again. Learning to love my dog, and I mean really loving Taos like a verb, has been so hard for me. Maybe I didn’t feel worthy of such love from her, so I witheld love from her. I know I mimic how I’ve been dealt with in my dealings with baby Taos.  My irritability with her is familiar to me, as it mimics the irritability launched at me.

Taos is a reminder to us all that the mirror we are holding up for another actually works both ways. We all do our prospective “jobs” and then come home to the exact situation we professionally handle all day long, only to fucking lose it when we have to manage the theoretical situation of our client in our own living rooms. All day long, I teach relationship skills and training and behavioral advice and implementation, and then I come home to my dogs pissing on the carpet and acting fools, and suddenly, I’ve no coping skills. Suddenly, the amazing therapist who just stood in your living room, is standing in her own living room without one fucking clue what to do. The therapist that you rely on to help you to manage your dogs is two seconds away from a colossal break herself as she sets her bare foot down on the carpet to feel the wet sensation of yet another spot of dog urine. It is in these moments that we truly learn the most, if we will only allow it. Why, pray tell, would my perfectly potty trained dogs piss on my beautiful carpet? Wait  for it….I will tell you it’s not because they can’t hold it and it’s not because they never go outside. Our dogs are mirroring us and reflecting our chaos. Our dogs soak us up and take us in and when our lives are unmanageable, they shit it out on our fucking carpet. Our dogs openly receive us and all of our bullshit and then they do what we do, they have their own experience. The shit in the middle of the room is your wake up call. You’ll do what I did and you’ll take your dog to the vet, worried and concerned about this abrupt and unrelenting piss on your carpet and shredded blankets and behavioral outbursts. “Oh my God!!! Please help my fucking dog! She is a fucking disaster! My dog never shits in our house and she never pees on our carpet. Please help her! I think she is fucking incontinent. I am so worried. Please help my precious dog!”

Coral…shut the fuck up. Calm the fuck down. Chill the fuck out. Your dog is fine. Your dog is not incontinent and she is not sick. Your dog asked me to figure out what is wrong with you. Your dog just told me that you are wound up so tight that you barely fucking breathe at all. Baby Taos has observed that shit flies out of your mouth constantly, all over her, with no warning what so ever. Taos is worried about your incontinence, because she says it gets better and then you just spew shit all over for seemingly no reason at all. Taos is also concerned that you push away the very things in your life that you need the most. Taos says you cry a lot because no one loves you, and she is very confused because she only wants to love you and frankly, you are rigid and closed and unwilling to open, which is all that is keeping love from you. Taos says that she wanted to bring you in last week because some of your behaviors are concerning to her, and she kept you home instead to observe you a bit longer. Taos showed me the pictures on her phone of the pile of shit that she is most concerned about and I think I should probably run a fecal on it. Fecal matter like this is indicative of many things that we should be concerned about.  Obviously, looking at this pile of shit, you are not drinking enough water. The blood all throughout your stool indicates inordinate amounts of stress. The markers clearly indicate that you need to make some adjustments to what you are putting in your body, and if I may be very direct, I am concerned about the shit constantly flying out of your mouth. I am going to send you home with a nice cup of shut the fuck up, which should be used as needed, when your mouth starts running incessantly about things that matter not. I am also going to give you a stool softener to help you to pass the excrement built up over a lifetime that is obstructing your vision and your purpose. Taos says that she is so glad she brought you in today because she and her sisters and her bo bo Rocky have been worried about your condition for a while. Taos says not to worry, she will drive you home and get your meds and tuck you in and take the very best care of you until you feel like yourself again. Taos already called Aliah and Rocky to let them know to get your bed ready for you. Momma Tamara said she will stop at the pharmacy and the bears just brought your chickenless noddle soup to a slow boil on the stove.  Prajna and Karma Kai and Karma kitty are tending the fire and warming your blankets. Let’s go home momma Coral so I can love you through this.

So…with all of the humility and gratitude in my heart…with all of my love and thanks to the dogs who carry me through and the woman who loves me in spite of me, I close today’s blog with a message from baby Taos this morning:

Every day is a perfect day to begin again. Moments of life behind us have built us up to where we are. We must learn to recognize and embrace the beauty that is us, that lies within us…beauty that our world so desperately needs. Take some time today to let your dog help you to heal. Have a beautiful day everyone! Taos and I love you!

I let her be angry…

Good morning everyone. I’ve not been to bed yet. I couldn’t talk or sleep or stop crying. I couldn’t breathe. The letting go taking place took me completely to my knees yesterday. My life spun out of focus and I became dizzy and frazzled and wound up so tight that I couldn’t unwind. I came down here to come down, in hopes of returning to my life a bit calmer and more centered. I came down here so that I could go back up there when I released enough pain to not blow the roof off of our house. Pain like this…raw and uncensored…gut wrenching and life force robbing…pain like this releasing like a mother fucking power keg if I do not reign her in a bit. In these moments, in the aftermath of such heart wrenching awareness, I first felt like I had been hit by a truck. Followed quickly by nothing at all. And then more and more nothing at all. There is nothing that Edie Brickell and I hate more than nothing. “Nothing keeps me up at night. There is nothing I hate more than nothing.” All night down here felt like a whole fucking lot of nothing. Now, after the hangover…which is so fucking ridiculous, as I don’t drink anymore; I am settling into the okay of it all. Wrestling my demons literally all night long has made me tired. I was in battle all night long and I come to you this morning victorious. I finally slayed the demon that wouldn’t go down…I stand victorious over my rage at it all. We slammed and we thrashed and we hurled and we screamed all night inside ourselves. The rage boiled over and erupted into a volcanic molten lava that mother fucking drowned me last night. In the fire and the rubble and the discord, rage erupted again and again and again. I periodically peered out the blinds and up to our house, waiting quietly up the driveway for me. Seductive was the lure to her warm bed next to the love of my life. Teasing and taunting me as she spat in my face…rage erupted again and I settled back into the reality that it was going to be a long night for Sam and I. Longer if I ignored the rumbling inside myself that begged me keep my eyes and heart Coral. While rage tried to trick me again, into a slumber that would have insinuated my submission, I hurled myself again at her center and I raged on.

I raged inside and boiling over, at all of my expectations and my selfish fucking needs. I raged at my ideas of how things “should be” as rage tackled me at the gut and rolled me a few more times into oblivion; I refused to surrender. Of all of the things I’ve not wanted to be at any of this, is angry. I have dodged anger like a bullet headed straight into my heart. I have pushed her and stuffed her back so many fucking times, as anger does not serve me. Anger like this is dangerous, as it leaves me wondering why there isn’t a gun in my fucking mouth? Why do I keep coming back only to be pummeled again and again and again. The sharpness and quickness of one single bullet would surely be more tolerable than slowly killing myself the way I have been for my entire fucking life. That single thought kept me down here all night. One thought that the easy road would ever fucking meet the high road…or just one more hope. I stayed on the high road. I won’t lie, I am looking down at her depths and I see another bullet that I dodged. I peer over the edge as I gather myself to head up the driveway to have coffee with my girl this morning.

Yesterday had her way with me. Tossed and thrown across her razor sharp shards  and left for dead. Only the dark and stillness of the night could keep the rage at bay. Only the Black night sky and the chill all around me could have anchored me in that storm. Only unshakable faith and a knowing at the deepest level, of who I really am, could have kept me here with all of you last night, as my world caved in on top of me. Only the love of a girl, up in the bed all by herself, could have been enough to keep this heart beating and this girl going. Tamara never once gave up on me and I won’t give up on me either. Tamara never stopped loving me and I am going to start loving me too.

I came here last night to slay a demon. I vowed not to rest until she fell. Last night I slayed her in a battle of intention and resilience…I intend to use my resilience for the greater good of us all. I spent my life leaving my anger pent up and pretty locked down. I won’t lie…when she escapes, there is no way of knowing the destruction she will cause. Last night I came down here to let her out…to let her rage and to let her go. Anger served me well last night. Anger gave me permission to keep fighting and the vision to change my course. Anger raged in a warrior soul, untamed and unmatched…and I let her, until she is done. I let her be angry. And so it is. Have a beautiful day everyone! I’m off to see my girl for morning coffee! I love you.

The letting go has taken place…

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday! I was up early this morning. I was anxious to wake and get through the morning hell of missing my mom. Walking down to the studio, she was shining down on  me in the moon and the stars. I know she knows my pain. I feel her feel me in this indescribable loneliness, as I stumble down the driveway this morning. I truly cannot find words to articulate the raging and ripping and tearing and splitting in my soul as things once sacred to me fall away from me.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you just wanted to be in their presence? Even making excuses to stop by, just to sit and stay a spell, in a place that feels familar to you? Coffee…water…nothing…just them. Just being there with them. After my Mom died, my Dad became that to me. I needed to occupy that space with him to soften the blow of her abrupt absence. His abrupt absence on top of that sent me into a place from which I’ve not returned. I went somewhere when he left. I go further there, the more distant he becomes. I feel my lifeforce falter as every step between us seems to tear at me, rip at me and own me for a few moments. No one can tell me not to feel this, although they do. In their well-meaning words, they try to bring me some comfort and some solace from this excruciating pain. I have come to accept that there is no reprieve. Hope crushing and soul shattering is the reality that I cannot make you love me. It’s me. You love me. I just cannot fucking feel it much anymore. You love me in your way. Your way is so different now than it has always been. I think you loved me through Mom and when she died, you stopped being able to reach me. I kept trying and you were already gone. Now, you tell me so I won’t find out through the grapevine, things that stop my fucking heart…,things that we once told each other. I don’t know why you don’t want me to know that something is wrong with your heart. A specialist…a trip to the ER for chest pain…and you toss it in at the end of the conversation, like it’s nothing. I do not understand. I called to say I love you yesterday, because I do love you so much. You didn’t call me to tell me that you had been in the ER the morning before, thinking you were having a heart attack. My brother doesn’t tell me he’s been in danger either and I don’t know why it hurts me. We used to be in touch and we used to see one another before we left town and let each other know when we were sick or leaving the country. We don’t do any of that anymore. My pelvic injections and my trauma and my pain…I shared mine with you, even though mom isn’t here to tell me how to do that anymore. I am here every single fucking day if you are wondering about me. I am an open book in a library full of books that you aren’t reading anymore. God damn it! Do you know how that fucking hurts me? It really doesn’t matter anyway, does it? I mean, we just learned that we don’t have to do anything we don’t want to anymore. When mom died, so did all of the rules that governed us into being a “family”. Three years and this year is no different…there is nothing fucking left. “Hey Dad, what are you doing for Thanksgiving? We are going to Carlsbad to be with her family.” Right on. I mean, I just didn’t know that we were done here, being a family ourselves. I cannot not know what I have come to know in these past three years…my family is gone. I have spoken of it and my soul cries in inconsolable pain knowing its truth…You don’t want to hang out with me anymore and mom isn’t here to make you. You have a new life and I am just too much, too little and too painful to fucking look at. I am akward and inappropriate and I say “fuck” too much. I’m offensive and overbearing and a fucking embarrassment to you, aren’t I? All of these years, your quest to keep me silent and appropriate and tucked away and now I am free too. I am not going to be silent. I am not going to edit myself. I am not going to do what I am supposed to do either anymore.

I have sat here every day of my life loving you so much. I have wanted so badly to be someone that you approve of and who makes you proud. I have tried and failed enough times to disappoint any parent or sibling. I have gone astray. I have never left and yet I’ve never really been here. I am not your version of me. I am not your idea of me. I am not callous to your nothingness. I am not less than you. I am not more than you.

I decided to do Christmas early this year for my family. I have decided not to buy any gifts. Instead this year, to each and every one of you, I gift you a free pass. This pass grants you exit from this fucking circus. Upon your exit, your pass will be invalidated and your access to all of the shows and events will be denied. This pass sets you free of any expectation I have had of you, just because you’re my family. This is a onetime pass and once it is handed over, you will no longer have any obligation to me. This pass will be the only pass you get, so use it wisely, as this is the only pass you get. Your pass, the greatest gift I’ve left to offer you, let’s you let me go. No more illusions or facades. No more masks and tolerating the time and language…the offensiveness and the stupidity of me. You are free. With all of my love, I gift you the only thing I have left. I gift any hope and all of my expectations of you. Three years of being excluded by nearly every single one of you has given me plenty to think about. All of the weddings and family reunions and funerals I attended because that’s what family does…every single Thanksgiving and Christmas for my entire life with my family…until my Mom fucking died. Unbeknownst to me then was the fact that everything else in my family died and is gone from my sight also.

Today, as the sun prepares to rise, I raise my face from the pool of tears in my cupped hands and I pray.

Dear God,

Thank you for this life. Thank you for those who brought me here. Thank you for the years I got to spend with the family I loved and cherished so much.

God, I come to you today to ask you to help me to let it all go. All of my hopes, especially the ones disguised as expectations, I release them now. All of my delusions of grandeur about how my life was and who we have all been to each other…I release it all now. God, I grant anyone and everyone who does not want to be in my life, safe access out of my life, no questions asked and no strings. I accept that I am your child and I am here to do your work: I set the circus down to free my hands to do your work.

God, please forgive me my many sins and transgressions. Please make me new and whole…complete and real in your eyes. Please take from me that which no longer serves me and my highest good. Please tell my mom that I love her and ask her to help me through this letting go of the things she insisted I hold on to. Please God, enlighten my ignorance and open my heart to only love. Please remove my fear and any doubts. Please use me to your service and to the service of others.

Please God, as I turn to go, bless my family always in all ways. Keep my Daddy and my little brother close to you and please keep them safe. Please forgive our family for their illness and for the pain they have inflicted upon so, so many.

Please allow me to trust your will and to accept it as my own. With all of my love, I release all that no longer serves me. With all of my thanks I close my prayer this morning God and thank you for hearing me. And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you.

What exactly are you thankful for, asks the dead bird in the room?

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Good morning everyone. I want to begin with a prayer of thanksgiving for all that I am…all that I am blessed with…the love that I am and the love that surrounds me. Thank you for the life I have been given and guide me to its purpose. For the lessons turned blessings, I am thankful. For the lessons not yet blessings, please help me because they are so painful. The sunrise this morning…may I rise to meet her. The chill in the air, may I bring the warmth into the world to take her edge off. In all things, always, may I do your will and honor my own highest good and that of everyone I meet. And so it is. Amen.

We are living in uncertain and auspicious times right now my friends. We are so consumed by fear, parading around as hate, that we fail to realize that we are love. We are so busy blaming one another that we fail to see our own part in the clusterfuck we are in. We know so much that we no longer seek the truth. We search and seek and beg and pray outside of ourselves, failing to see or understand that everything, and I mean EVERY thing we truly need for our journey lies within us. We allow ourselves to believe that we are small and incapable and we are the fucking stars! We doubt our own intuition and wonder why harm comes. Our gut tells us, without a doubt, that there is danger and so we divert to our all knowing and shallow minds. Our hearts are fucking screaming and so we silence them with any numbness we can find…alcohol and drugs…television and depression. Our world is crumbling and all we can do is chop her further into bits and hoard her blessings for ourselves. Our fear of running out and our insatiable hunger for more leave so many with nothing at all. We do not give a fuck. We really don’t. Our convenience and our precious time are more important than her screaming. Mother Earth is fucking screaming! Mother 🌎 is being raped and pillaged and we do not run to save her. We bend her over and we take advantage of a moment that is going to cost us everything…a moment we keep repeating that says we are more and better and greater and that there is actually something lesser. There is no more or lesser. We are not a superior race. We are so fucking ignorant and self absorbed that we cannot hear or see or feel or know the heart of our own selves, let alone the heart of another. As we approach the holidays, I weep. Not just for myself and my self-absorption with my grief…also for you and yours. To celebrate our coming together, if that’s something that you do, we slaughter innocent animals and put their carcass in the center of our tables, and give abundant thanks for our blessings. What blessings are those? Who, pray tell, over the dead bird on your holiday table, are you thankful for? Are you thankful for the mother who prepared the meal today or are you crumbling inside for the mother in heaven who no one will even fucking acknowledge in their thanksgiving blessing today? We gather together for what? For whom? Decades of religiously gathering for the holidays in my family and then my mom died and I’ve not been invited to a holiday by a blood relative since. Who are we gathering with? Who is at your table and why are you at theirs? We call them family and I challenge you to ask yourself…are they really? Is this who I am and where I came from? Why do we scramble around at the holidays to be together somewhere with someone for our entire lives, only to realize that we have never, ever felt more alone? That alone doesn’t go away until we are together with ourselves. Thanksgiving must come from inside of us. We must be thankful inside ourselves to such a degree that we are never alone no matter where we go or what day it is. I challenge you to ask yourself what exactly about thanksgiving makes your heart thankful? I also am curious, other than because it’s the way you and your family have done it for generations, why do you celebrate your thanksgiving with someone who had to leave their own family, only to arrive dead and carved up in the center of your table for your family? When we know better, we do better. Now you know. Being thankful for your family, while depriving another of theirs, is not only hypocritical, it is unevolved. For your thanksgiving dinner this year, I challenge you to make a different choice. Be the change. The dead bird in the room may not mean anything to you, and yet as you rip the flesh from his bones to get to your wishbone this year, I challenge you to do more than wish…so more than carve him up only to ask if you want dark or white meat. Don’t carve him up at all. Make a different choice.

Samuel and Duncan ask me to remind us all this morning that they are someone and not something. They thank you from the bottom of their hearts, and yes, turkeys, just like us, have beating hearts, to make a choice to honor them here and now, in all of their glory.  We don’t gather with our families to eat our friends, do we?

 

What in the fuck is right with you?

The picture in front of you is what the fuck is right with me…one of the many things right with this girl, is this girl right here. I love you Tamara. Thank you for being my right…my love and my truth. Every day may not be easy. Every single day with you is worth it though. 40033F82-9937-441B-B62C-58187334BB88.jpeg

Good morning everyone. I am back. My return is timely in that some of you reached while I was away. I am here if you need me. I never announce my departure and so I’m sorry if  I didn’t get back to you. We were out of service most of our trip and it felt so good. I’m here now though if you need me.

Thank you for being here with me this morning. I miss you whenever I am away. Our trip was short and sweet so we could get back to our babies home to our sister. Our sister outdid herself for sure. Our house is cleaner than it’s been in years, even the windows are clean! Our carpet and our bathrooms are clean. Our house feels like home. We came home to Enya playing and candles lit everywhere and it was so beautiful and so wonderful and so amazing. Tamara didn’t hesitate to share her sissy with me and I am so fucking blessed. The thing about this beautiful blessing is that I often don’t know how to receive it. Maybe I don’t feel worthy of it. I know that seeing Tamara with her sissy makes me miss my little brother so bad. Michele flies from California because she wants to be here for us and spend time with us and to help us to get back up. No strings…no pay…she just loves her sissies so much. I feel so blessed to be Michele’s little sister and even though I don’t know how to be a good sister to my big sister, I am learning.

I do not write anything that I write to get your sympathy. I write to get it all out. I am pretty fucking edited, believe it or not. I miss Shawn. I’ve missed him for many years and going to Jemez, I realized that I must leave him there when I returned, in that river. I must allow it all to just wash the fuck away. My mom. My dad. My little brother. The me that I was and the family I once had…all of it…I came to wash it all away. I did not come here to do this because I wanted to and to be honest, I didn’t return to Jemez for this reason at all. As I sat with the river yesterday morning though…and she invited me to take it all away with her…as she seduced me into believing that I let go of nothing that isn’t already gone. I ran to her river bank and I offered up the things I cannot change. I handed over the things I’ve never really held anyway. I broke into a million pieces and I submitted. I hit the jagged rocks at her depths and I crashed and thrashed and cried and resisted. Please river…please, please just let me keep Shawn and my Dad…please, I begged. Don’t take that little boy from me…the little boy I wanted more than anything to come home from the hospital and be my baby brother. Please river…please and with all of my heart…don’t take that little boy away. Weeping at her banks for all that never was…I let myself go too. Please river…take me too. Take the broken and not good enough…too much me away so that Michele will always be my sissy and so that Tamara will always be my girl. Please, for the love of God dear river…with everything I have in me and most of all…please river…don’t take the girl. (Thank you for the inspiration Tim McGraw). Please, whatever you must do and however it must be…please river, have mercy upon my soul and don’t take from me the very last being that I feel I have left. Please river, don’t take the girl.

May begging ceases as I begin to remember that I am in control of absolutely nothing. I must find reprieve from the pain that is crushing my soul into near nonexistence. It is what it is. Nothing going backwards gives me the momentum I need to go forward. No blame I place upon myself or punishment great enough to turn the tide that took it all away in the first place. There is no river deep enough to drown the sorrow of losing ones family to the reality before me. Sherry is not here to make us love one another. Sherry is not here to tell us we have to show up and be together. Sherry took her rules that we al lived by and she has left the building. Sherry is not coming back and neither are Shawn or my Daddy. We don’t have to do anything anymore…any of us. We don’t have to and we don’t. An occasional coffee, minced into less than an hour because we don’t have to make the fucking time and the time we do have is more important than each other. I do not have any time for time like that, with anyone anymore.

I am tired of this rhetoric in my head that tells me that they love me in their own way. I am over the empty excuses that only leave the void larger. I cannot wish any harder or hope anymore that the love I feel I need will be bestowed upon me. Imagine begging for time, not to be denied…and yet not to be accommodated…more honest and to the point…imagine simply checked off of someone’s list somewhere. Coffee with Coral. Check please. Check. Next. No fucking thank you.

I have one life and I have mother fucking pissed a lot of it away already. I sat here waiting for you to come love me and carry me through this. I waited, literally by the phone, hoping and praying that you would call me. I have cried in so much anguish over losing the family I was born into. Why oh why didn’t they just love me? How could they take that beautiful little baby girl and not love her? How can my family have never really have done much more than tolerated me and loved me at such a distance that I cannot even fucking feel it? Shawn and my Dad simply have their own lives now. I guess I’ve put mine on hold, awaiting their return to me. The river says they will not return. The river says it’s okay. The river says let me take them because where you are going, they’ve no interest in being. I tell the river to fuck off! Had she not already taken enough from me for fucks sake? What the fuck is wrong with you I scream? What in the fuck is wrong with you…taking so much from me?! To which the river responds…I took away all that is wrong with you so that you and the world can finally recognize and appreciate you for what is right with you. The river suggests that I begin to ask myself and everyone that I encounter…”What in the fuck is right with you?”

What a beautiful message to come from such a painful and difficult journey of hearing people constantly ask me throughout my life what the fuck is wrong with me. The river says it matters not what is wrong with me…that nothing is wrong with me and has never been wrong with me at all. The only wrong in all of it is that I’ve not allowed it all to wash away sooner. The search for what is right with me begins this, the next leg of my journey. If you’re still sitting there counting what is wrong with Coral…here is my heartfelt invitation to jump in the fucking river and be gone from me. Go and do your counting elsewhere because you sitting here with your abicis counting beads of Corals failures and shortcomings is an unnecessary distraction for the good things coming.  I must go now and begin finding out what in the fuck is right with me. Have a beautiful day everyone! What in the fuck is right with you? Tell me. I will tell you too. What the fuck is right with us?!?

Let us make this movement move!

Happy Sunday morning everyone! I am up early and sitting in front of a cozy fire with Prajna, praying on what to write abou this morning. Some days it just comes and some days I know I’m merely here to relay a message. Some days I could write for days and some days I can’t find my words. Today, my message comes directly from the divine creator. Spirit wants you to know that she’s got you.

As I look around the world at all of the pain and fear and disembowlment of things once sacred, I am called to carry and smoke heavily, the peace pipe. Into the trenches with people who have preconceived notions about me, I am called to be the light. I stand up to be the change I wish to see in my world.

Real quick, I want to address punctuation and spelling and sentence structure…I know. I do not edit this blog. I let the words flow out and unlesss spellcheck checks it, I don’t attach myself to it. I do this on purpose. One reason is that I am working on not sweating the small stuff and to be honest, it drives me fucking crazy. I am so fucking anal retentive that it kills me to do my re-read after I post, so I can get the message too. Every day I see the errors and leave it. Making my therapist proud for years…that’s how I roll! My blog is a hot mess on purpose. My blog is me and this is how I’m called to do it, so let’s do it! Some day I may revisit and find myself and editor; until then…you get Coral raw, uncensored, unedited (literally) and authentic, in all of my glory. Let us make this movement move, shall we? And yes, you will hear a lot of other people’s words in my writing…a shit fucking ton of Nahko…and I thank each and every inspiration, every thought, idea and dream from each of these words. I never do not give credit on purpose and I am always grateful when their words pass my lips. Thank you Wayne Dyer, Mom, Nahko, Ram Dass, Tamara…for allowing me to use your words. Let’s get back at it, shall we?

Do you find yourself asking…”How can I, little ol’ me, all by myself be the change?” How can you not be the change? How can you live a life of purpose if you feel insignificant and like you don’t matter? How can you impact change if you have convinced yourself and allowed others to convince you, that you are not important? “What difference does one vote make?” Really? I used to think that too and I still voted. My own ignorance fucking astounds me at times…truly. I hear nothing but bitching and I cannot help but wonder, did you vote? I don’t give a fuck who you voted for, as that is your business…did you vote? Those of you who do not exercise your right to vote have a more adverse impact upon the shape our country is in than those of you who voted for the “wrong guy”. We must realize how significant we are and stop being so fucking complacent. We must cease blaming others and take accountability for ourselves and our actions. What we do when no one is watching is the greatest measure of our true character. How we speak about others says more about us than it ever says about them.  Some of you have heard me talk some shit, haven’t you? What did that say to you about me? Was it true? Was it kind? Was it necessary?

We are on time. (Thank you Nahko) We really are on time. Things that don’t suit us are awaiting our special touch to brighten things up a bit. People who enrage is are a mirror for ourselves, so that we may see how we occur to others. If you do not like the county or the world or the community that you live in, then do something to change it. Seriously, I hear all the time what is wrong with this country and I know damn well that you didn’t even fucking vote. You jumped on someone elses bandwagon. You hopped up into someone else’s hype. You attached yourself to their anger and swallowed their venom and you carry those ideas as your own. You got sucked into everyone else’s fear and you became afraid yourself. Your fear turned into anger and you are fucking pissed at the people who allowed this to happen. YOU allowed this to happen if you didn’t vote. I allow things I do not wish to persist simply because I am too lazy to fucking resist them. We all do that. Being the change is a verb, like love and honesty are verbs. In action, be the change. In words, shut the fuck up about everyone and everything else that is wrong with the world and look in the mirror. Look honestly at that reflection and make that change. (Thank you Michael Jackson)

We have a choice. Just look at your day…how many choices do you make…how much impact do you have in each choice you make, every single day? Helping you and I to chose our words more carefully…Is it kind? Is it necessary? Is it true? If it’s not, keep your words to yourself until they are kind and true and necessary. Don’t pass on shit that isn’t kind, honest, necessary and true.

I was handed something early Monday morning that I’ve still not spoken about because I simply cannot yet meet that criteria. My first instinct upon hearing it was to pick up the phone in my fury and repeat it, and the to make my next call and repeat it again. “Oh my God…you are not going to fucking believe this shit…” I have almost always made those calls following the call that blew me out. Why? Why in the fuck did I do that? Why do we do that? We don’t have to do that. Some call that drama, and I’ve no bandwidth for drama, and yet I have been some fucking drama. Stirring the pot and getting everyone up in a fucking tizzy with my ignorance ans bullshit…been there and done that. Henceforth, I will hold what I need to hold until I can detach myself from it and be kind and honest and only speak about what is necessary. Until then, I simply say that I do not have the bandwidth to speak of it at this time. (Thank you to my therapist for the no bandwidth…I use that a lot lately and it works for me to shut my own drama down).

Thank you all for being here with me this morning. As you go out into the world today, remember that you are responsible for being the change you wish to see in the world. Keep your drama to yourself until you can decipher it and send it out in better context than it came to you in. If you are unhappy in our political climate, get online and register to vote and show up at the polls. Otherwise shut your fucking face. Truly, you know who you are and you would be of more benefit to yourself and everyone else if you could just stop talking and go do something about it…whatever it is. Those of us doing something really do get annoyed sometimes with those of you trolling our pages and stirring pots and your unnecessary and unkind commentary and rhetoric about things you know nothing of. I love you just the same man…just stop talking and get out there and do something about it.

Todays challenge for each of us is to register to vote and to educate ourselves about our candidates. The brow beating and trash talking commercials are probably not the best place to get your information…go out there and dig a bit. How can you be the change if you’ve no idea what is going on? Hey, me too…I’m guilty of my blog or I would not be able to write it. I am about to close and so this gives you the perfect opportunity to go and get registered to vote. Go to Propeller.com and get yourself registered and educated. Being the change means changing. You cannot change by staying the same and by doing the things you’ve always done. Let’s get busy and make this movement move! I love you. Have a beautiful day everyone!