Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I am inspired and I am on fire!

 

54F4D272-31C7-453D-B458-E0867E3D833D.jpegGood late morning to everyone! I hope your week is off to a good start! I think we shall all gather directly in the healing room today. How does that sound? Perfect…I am three weeks post op tomorrow, so I am  still in PJ’s between clients and quick trips out and about, let’s all grab our blankies and get started, shall we?

I want to talk today about being inspired. What inspires you? What drives and motivates and moves you? Who are you really, when no one is looking at or judging you, for who you “should” be?

Inspiration is what lights us up, isn’t it? I mean, when we are inspired, don’t we feel lighter in our bodies and lighter on our feet? When something inspires us, we feel it, don’t we? I feel it all the way to my soul when I am inspired! I have not been inspired for a very, very long time. I have been asleep and dead inside and literally dead, more times than I can count. I died for the very last time during my most fortunate and very insightful overdose, post surgery. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I have died many times, and this was to be my last time dying and coming back. I will live until I die for good, from now on!

What beagn as a seemingly unfortunate chain of events in my life, coming out of surgery three weeks ago, with no pain management on board, for hours, right out of the OR. No pain management, other than a handful of prescribed to me, Percocet, until Friday evening. I overdosed, when we were told by my surgeon to turn on. We did turn it on, for another 14-15 or so hours, running on 3x the recommended dose. I lost a lot of all of this and slowly, it’s coming back. For every experience, and for every obstacle, I am on my knees, so thankful, for the lessons and the blessings. I am committed, with all of my heart and soul to passing it on!

Meeting with Aiden on Thursday, for my first time since surgery, Aiden was quiet and he cried and he clinged to me. This is not my experience of Aiden, other than when Aiden was missing for 12 days and near death himself. During those days, we didn’t let each other go, not even for one breath…not for one moment. Aiden looked up with tears in his little eyes and he asked me why I didn’t tell him I wasn’t dead anymore? I was very confused and almost disbelieving, and this is Aiden we are talking about. I do not and never have, doubted Aiden. He asked me again why I didn’t tell him I wasn’t dead anymore. He asked me to play the song he had sent to me, in Tamara’s Jeep on Tuesday. I knew exactly what song he was speaking about and he asked me to play it then and there. I pulled out my phone and there it was, the song I had been playing non-stop since Tuesday:

Lights On (Makeshift Innocence) YouTube

This song, as I sat and watched the lyrics swirl around with Aiden on my lap, had a whole new meaning to me. I began sobbing, tears falling on Aidens little fluffy head. During my overdose, after I violently threw up and went to lie back down, with the pain ball that just Overdosed me, still running at 3x what it was initially set at, for several more hours. Somewhere in there my heart stopped beating. I looked at Aiden, both of us with tears in our eyes, and I said I didn’t tell you I wasn’t dead Aiden, because I did not know myself, until this moment with you that I was dead.

Aiden and I sat in that space together, holding one another and listening to that song, watching those lyrics dance around the page, and we made a promise, to always in all ways to do our best to love and touch people who cannot be loved and touched by more orthodox means. Aiden and I are both back and ready to be of service. How may we help you? What can we do for you?

I left here and I went somewhere. I saw God and he gave me a choice. He said I could stay with him, as my work had been enough. I told him I must come back, because my work has only just begun. Sam has known, since she was in the seed, that she had big work to do, and we are just getting started. We are inspired and we are on fire! We have wanted to help to heal our world since at least the first grade, when our world was small, and the biggest person we saw, the President of the United States of America…that’s who Sam was for career day in first grade. Do you know why Sam wanted to be the President of the United States of America? Sam knew that if she was president, she could make people love each other and be nice to one another. Sam, from when she was in the seed, has committed to doing whatever she can to heal our world. Every career day was like that for Sam…a doctor, to make people well…a hobo to show us all that we are all the same inside…oh, and once, Sam was John Lennon for career day.

Whatever happened in those moments that I lost during that overdose, I took MY life back. I made a commitment to be of service, to use my gifts to be a vessel, an instrument to do God’s work. I didn’t come back invisible and broken and small. I don’t come back in fear and torment. I came back peacefully and quietly, not knowing at all, what had just happpened to me.

Tony Robbins says that if you are going to blame someone, you better blame them for every fucking thing. You blame them for the bad stuff, you better blame them for the good stuff too. I really heard that. I really get that. I really honor that. I am that. I can hear Tony and I can hear Wayne because they speak like I speak, for the same reasons I do, which I didn’t totally know until now…I talk so that people will listen. I don’t curse to piss you off…my Mom..ya, maybe…but you, not so much. I am willing to use words that others won’t use, to liberate a place within themselves where they too are able, to be liberated.

Dr. Wayne Dyer has been a mentor and a huge source of inspiration and enlightenment for me, for many, many years. Wayne Dyer and Tony Robbins do not fuck around. I grieved when Wayne Dyer passed away, like I had lost my own Father. I never had the opportunity to meet him because I couldn’t afford to go to Maui and see him. Wayne left his world before I got to meet him in person, and I walk closely with him now. My Mom will often, and very matter of factly, tell me that Wayne said hi when she visits me from the other side. Wayne will tell me that my Mom says hi. Wayne told me when I am ready, to tell Anthony he sent me…”just not on the first day”…he chuckled…and he will know Wayne sent me. Too good to be true I would have once thought. Crazier than I thought I was, I would have once said. This time, I just said “Thanks Wayne. I will. I love you!” Dr. Dyer spent a year in the Tao…living and translating, into words we could better understand. I spent six months or so listening to nothing but his interpretation of those verses in my truck. The one verse that comes to me often and resonates with me always is the verse that says, and I paraphrase…I am kind to those who are kind. I am kind to those who are unkind. Kindness is my nature and that is all I have to give away.

Whatever all of it is and wherever it comes from…the source of unconditional and abundant and overflowing love for us all…I tapped into it when I left here in those moments and my spark was ignited. I am so grateful, so thankful and so blessed! I will use all of these tools to light up our world. Life does not happen to us. I know that, without a doubt now.

I came here to be of service on a very grand scale. Although I have always known that to be true, I haven’t known what it meant. I am listening universe. I am listening. I am ready and I am willing. I am fucking inspired! Truly…wholeheartedly, inspired…and ready for all of the good things coming!

You all have a blessed and beautiful day! I love you and I thank you again, for always believing in me and for praying for me and for loving me. I love you too, you know?

54C1D07F-E55B-4055-A5B4-7ACF30E5D73A.jpeg

 

 

 

What’s in your bag/wallet? 30 Day Blogging Challenge-Day 9

img_1940

What’s in your bag/wallet? 30 Day Challenge: Day 9

First thing I see in my wallet is a picture of my girl. This is one of my favorite pictures of Tamara, ever. I keep her on the back side of my drivers license, and I cannot open my wallet without seeing Tamara. So, that is the first and last thing I see when I open my wallet…the person I love more than anyone in the world. Behind that picture of my girl is my second favorite picture of my girl.

I have $28.00 in cash. I have a couple of plastic cards that manage the finances in my life. I have my drivers license, expiring soon, so good to know. I have my passport, just waiting for that first trip abroad. I have my card for my Rider course, from 2010, when I completed my skill rider course to ride my Brothers Motorcycle. AAA card. My LMT license. Taos’ Service Dog credentials. My insurance cards. Costco and Sam’s cards. My credentials for my minister ordainmemt. A return address label that was my Moms. Lastly, and as important to me as Tamara’s photos, there is  A card that says, “I love you! So happy for you. Tamara” with the Serenity Prayer on the back. I got this from Tamara when I went to my first AA meeting as a friend if AA. I left that meeting, a self-admitted alcoholic. That evening, I was on my way to happy hour, when I was invited to go support a friend at an AA meeting instead. I never made it to happy hour and I never drank again. That was almost 52 months ago, and I have almost worn that little card out. On my worst days…those pictures of my beautiful girl and that card, with the Serenity Prayer and Tamara’s love, keeps me going.

This is my wallet. There are many wallets like it, and this wallet is mine. I don’t carry a purse or a bag…just my wallet. I have always just had my wallet. And…that’s what’s in my wallet. What’s in your wallet?

How do we fill in the space that is our dash?

6A9AB5D4-B90A-4CEB-95B0-AFA3D8B68908.jpeg

Good morning! I slept in a bit this morning, and it’s actuallly light outside when I make my way to my office.

Thank you for being here! I made a commitment to myself in December to blog every single day for 365 days. I am so glad I did. There has definitely been some release, as I purge what no longer serves me. I write to heal myself and I know that some of what I write must be pretty difficult to read. Thank you for staying with me and for your love and support as I navigate this terrain. Thank you for providing space as I open up. Thank you for your love on the days that I am so weak I can barely stand upright. Thank you for your faith in me. Thank you for the strength you give me with your own stories of bravery and courage. Thank you for loving me like a verb. Thank you for reading my blog and for being a part of my life.

I cannot begin to tell you how happy I am that we have made it through Mother’s Day and all of the days that preceded it from October 1st on. I will not live like this anymore. I just won’t fucking do it. This year, I will be celebrating the holidays and enjoying the festivities with my beautiful girl. Today, I peek through the tiny sliver of light at the bottom of the door, where the light enters, and I head in that direction. The crack, says Rumi, is where the light enters us. Let that light shine baby! Let that light illuminate my life and ignite my soul.

Not consciously and not on purpose, I have dedicated the greater part of the last two years to grieving the loss of my Mother. I went to the cemetery yesterday and I realized, differently than before, that my Mom is not there. My Dad is not there with me visiting my Mom who isn’t there anymore either. The sad had an extra layer of sad and the emptiness was breathtaking. The pain ripping and stabbing and gouging my heart as I stood over that fucking grave.

I sat down in front of my Moms headstone with Pranja yesterday and I just stared at that picture, at those words…at that dash. I didn’t cry. I just fucking sat there completely catatonic, pretty lifeless myself. Pranja in her pretty little dress, sitting patiently on Sherry’s side, waiting for me to pick myself back up. I always do you know, get back up. Having Pranja there reminded me why I get back up. You get back up to, don’t you? We get back up. We fall. We rise. We ebb. We flow. We learn and we grow.

Life is for the living and my own dash is looking pretty bleak, if I don’t start living some life in between that birth date and the space awaiting my death date. I better start filling in that dash before my time runs out.

My birth wasn’t an easy one. I needed help to come in. They used salad tongs to pull me out. I couldn’t breathe on my own and was put into an oxygen tent. I don’t know much else. All of my baby pictures, I look so happy…little Sam, clapping her tiny hands, with those huge sparkling eyes…what a beautiful baby girl was Sam! You can look at any of hiss pictures and see that Sam is a fighter…a lover and a fighter. I spite of all things, that little soul has always been on fire! Often down to barely burning embers, smoldering and nearly stamped out…the life force has always been stronger. Sam’s favorite book in the whole world growing up was “The Little Engine That Could”…I think I can…I think I can…

We will not stay smoldering in these embers. We will not drift away in an anonymous cloud of smoke. We will rise from these ashes. We will emerge from this rubble. We will breathe on our own. We will push our way through and we will persevere. We were born to do great things and we are ascending to great heights. We can now because we thought we could all along. We will not lie down and die in this heaping, smoldering and fading with the daylight pile of pain. We will rise the fuck up and we will shake it all off and we will walk out of this, with our sparkle back. We rise up.

We are all filling in our own dashes, between our date of birth and the blank space that awaits our death date. We all are our own dash. We get to decide what goes in between. Maybe not before today…starting today though, we get to decide what our dash looks like. We get to fill that in however we want to. How are you living your dash?

Every moment here, doing everything I’ve done, has prepared me for what is coming next, and I am so grateful! I have not treaded lightly. I have been a tornado, a tsunami at times…crashing here and there. I have been an earthquake and the cracks and craters run deep. I have been the sunshine and I’ve illuminated some rooms. I have been rain and I have cleansed and flooded, ebbed and flowed. I have been the drought and I have nearly died from my unquenched thirst, simply because I sought drink outside myself. I have been the sunrise and the sunset…the alpha and the omega. I have lives the seasons and I have weathered winter storms that took places completely off the map. I am, now, the beginning. I am, now, the sunrise. I am beginning MY story now.

For all that I am not, there is much that I am. For all that you are not, there is much that you are. For all that you haven’t been, forgive yourself. For all that you are, celebrate yourself. For all that you’re becoming…for all that I’m becoming, for all that we are all becoming…our dash…our beautiful, bursting, love overflowing dashes…we get to decide and we get to choose what fills the space in between.

Have a beautiful Tuesday everyone. I’ve got to dash!

C408B07A-8E03-416C-B7A3-5E933E93974C.jpeg

Time to do some laundry…

Good morning everyone! Happy Monday! I hope you had a fabulous Mothers Day yesterday with your Moms.

I was in surreal space yesterday. Physically, my pain was horrible yesterday…toppping my pain chart. Every move was excruciating and it took everything in me to keep one foot in front of the other. This pain is pain I’ve never had and so prolonged that I am fatigued and exhausted and irritable. Everything just fucking hurts. I woke up this morning in a similar space and I feel a little defeated…a lot run down and mentally fucking racked and fatigued.

All of my efforts to stay positive and upbeat paid off, and yet inside, I feel like a crushed and shattered fucking mess. I know my Mom is gone. I know my Mom isn’t coming back here, and yet my heart constantly searches. My soul aches. Tears fell on the inside yesterday…a steady flow, all day, and into the night, on Mothers Day without my Mom.

I cannot really find a way to express this pain, other than through my words. I could never have imagined pain like this…despair and hopelessness like this. What do we do without our Moms? How do we go on without our Moms? When the coffee cup sitting next to ours on the table is full and our cup is in desperate need of refill…when conversation must be in our heads now, so we don’t look bat shit crazy in public, talking to our Moms. I’ve gotten over that…what other people think of me talking to my Mom in public…I don’t give a shit anymore. Talking to my Mom is more important than how it looks to people I don’t even fucking know.

Mothers Day ends it for me for a while. I have some reprieve for a while, from the holidays and my entire family’s Birthdays, one stacked on top of the other. I have some time to sit in some happy and come in out of this pain a bit.

I didn’t hear from my Dad yesterday. I guess it’s Mothers Day, not Fathers Day. I get that. I also get that, for the first time in 44 years on Mother’s Day, my Mom and my Dad have left the building. I really, really got that yesterday, and I wept.

I don’t know how to share my feelings about this, without coming across like a spoiled little brat. I just cannot wrap around everything I’ve ever known just being wiped the fuck out. My Mom had no choice…she had to go, and I do get that. I really, really do. My Dad though…I have never been so far away and absent and estranged from my father, who still has a choice, and doesn’t choose me anymore, doesn’t see me or reach out for me on these days anymore. So, for me, yesterday, was the hurt of a lot more than just missing my Mom…and today, it’s like an emotional hangover from a night of excessive binge drinking and doing shots of emotional trauma, only to wake up less settled than I went to sleep, more hurt than I know what to do with.

I gave my Dad away when he got remarried a couple of weeks ago. I set him free. I mean, he had already left…I just gave him my blessing. I meant it, I really did. I just haven’t mastered how to do that just yet, with my whole heart. Part of my little heart must still be hanging on. Part of me still wants to hold on to a part of him that doesn’t exist anymore. Part of me will always need my Daddy and I guess yesterday was one of those days…one of those hurts, too deep to rise above entirely.

And…that’s enough of that for today…that’s just where I go sometimes. I don’t want to go there and yet I find myself there, unable to get out, unable to rise above a pain so deep that it literally engulfs me and consumes me. Pain that sucks me in like a vacuum and spits me out like a battered and broken throw away, tossed into the heap with the others, who landed here with me.

Do you want out of that heap? I mean do you know that you don’t have to stay here in this pile of dirty, unseperated laundry? Dingy and dirty, stained and with skid marks, all lying on top of us and right next to us…spilling the stench onto us. Us spilling our stench onto them. We do not have to lie in this shit anymore. We can sort ourselves out, and we can get clean.

It really isn’t the getting clean is it? Isn’t it the sorting ourselves out and staying clean that slap us across our proverbial faces? I know, for me, staying out of the the pain…well some days, I just can’t.

So, with that, I am signing off. I hope you all have a wonderful day! I am off with Pranja for suture removal and her post op visit, and then to visit her best friend, the woman who saved her.

Pranja sure as hell isnt going to stay in this heap of unsorted and dirty fucking laundry that she landed in. I’m going to go with Pranja today and liberate myself from a pile that I obviously still need to do some sorting and cleaning and purging through.

Happy Monday everyone! Go sort some dirty laundry, shall we?

I am so blessed to live the life I am living!

1B0B0306-3D51-4999-A303-FA6781226BA2.jpeg

Good evening! I am glad you’re here. Hell, I’m glad I’m here. When I don’t blog in the morning, I feel a little thrown off all day long.

Tamara and I slept in the barn with Ahimsa last night. Not exactly the roll in the hay that some speak of, and yet, the best roll in the hay I’ve ever had!

We received the call yesterday that we have been waiting for…We found Karuna’s baby yesterday! We got the call to pick her up by three yesterday and you bet your sweet ass we were there!

Ahimsa is exactly one month and one day old today.  We rescued her to be Karuna’s baby and to give her a Mommy.

No one at Santuario de Karuna has a Mom. Not me and not Tamara and no one who resides here, resides here with their Mom. We are all orphans. We are all just walking each other home.

Watching Pranja inspires me. I do not think there has ever been another being who loves me as much as Pranja and Taos love their Momma Coral. I am so fucking blessed! Pranja falls down shaking so hard when she hears my voice and she has a shaky little voice,  that is for me alone that says  “I miss you and I Love you Momma!!! And I cannot stand to not be touching you! Please come kiss me! I love, love, love you. You are my world. Forever.” I love Pranja like that too and I would have never imagined it possible. Chihuahua’s I said…little clothes I said…not for me, I said….I was so wrong, so, so wrong, I say…Pranja rescued me from a place I didn’t even know I was in. Pranja touches me where no one else has been able, literally heart center, as she sleeps against my chest every night.

Ahimsa recused Tamara and I yesterday too. We just went to pick her up and give her a ride home. Namaste had her third Birthday yesterday, of being at the Sanctuary  and Hondo has his one year Sanctuary Birthday today. Tamara and I are tired and we are sore and we are so fucking blessed!

Last night, we didn’t want Ahimsa to be scared. Ahimsa and Karuna cannot be together, without a fence between them until our vet checks Ahimsa. We also want Ahimsa to have time to adjust and find her own personality. We decided to go have a slumber party in Ahimsa’s barn with her last night to keep her safe and warm and to let her know she will never be alone. Down the driveway we went, headlamps on and blankets in tow…two pillows and our cozies…to slumber with the most beautiful baby heifer you have ever laid eyes upon. We spent the night in Ahimsa’s barn with her last night, until she was sound asleep and knew she was home.

I don’t know if you have ever heard a one month old baby cry without their Mom. I will tell you that it is a cry like no other…primal and deep and painful…soul shaking and deep like rumbling thunder. From the deepest depths you can imagine erupts a pain; a hurt, a loss so deep that it scars your soul forever. I know because Ahimsa cries the same way without her Mommy that I cried the day I saw my mommy laying in that casket. Inconsolable, intolerable, unstoppable and unimaginable pain, from the depths of a place that you never ever knew you had…a loss so deep…the loss of our Mom’s…the deepest loss that one can possible suffer…the severing of the maternal bond that brought us into our very existence as human beings. A goodbye forever. A forever separation from the person who carried us into this world and birthed us…even if they never did anything else for us…that bond, broken, for any reason is soul shaking.

As Mother’s Day quickly approaches, I have chosen to be here, in Sanctuary, and celebrate Tamara and I and the work that we do with our Moms, largely in part because of our Moms, every single day, as stewards to this beautiful land and guardian to these amazing beings. Losing our Moms has given us the ability that many do not have…an ability to truly empathize with every single being here, going through the same feelings, without their Moms on Mother’s Day…every day…

We really are just walking each other home. There is nothing in the world to remind me of that more than the amazing freedom ride I took in the back of the Jeep yesterday with Ahimsa, covered in shit and smiling ear to ear, as I held her close to me, to let her know that she was not alone, that Momma Tamara and I had her now and everything is going to be okay. Laying in Ahimsa’s barn, spooning Ahimsa, with Tamara spooning me, watching the stars light up the sky and listening to the wind rustling through the trees…no matter what I’m worried about, it all just washed away…if only for those moments, in that barn with Karuna by the fence, keeping watch over her baby and Tamara and I, in our element, camping in our front yard with our cows…life was fucking perfect!

I will be having more moments like that please! In fact, I’m scooping Pranja up in my arms to head to bed with my girl, right next to Baby Taos to watch some movies and thank God for our beautiful and blessed life!

Have a safe and beautiful Friday everyone! I love you!

Anyone have time for morning coffee today?

DBB132BF-D8D0-484E-886F-3AD6DD81F0C5.jpeg

Good morning everyone! Pranja just had her breakfast and is napping next to me. Watching Pranja navigating her world, with one eye, spay sutures and a cone makes it kind of difficult to bitch about not feeling good myself. Pranja, like Rocky and probably a lot like the companions next to you for morning coffee this morning, is so resilient. Weighing in at 4.4 pounds yesterday with a soul as big as the world…that’s our baby girl Pranja!

We haven’t had morning coffee in a while have we? I mean we have coffee together every morning, as I sit here and you sit there. We haven’t really checked in with one another in a while, have we? So…how are you? I mean, how are you really? It’s just you and me right now, and Benny…always Benny, watching over us, with his own cup of Joe in his hand.

How have you been since we last sat together? I know when we last spoke, well, that was the last time we spoke and it’s been a quick minute or two, hasn’t it? Do you remember what we talked about? I hope we had a good conversation and I hope we both parted feeling happy and whole. I have missed our talks. I have missed you. Morning coffee with you, always sustained me somehow, for my day. It wasn’t the coffee, although I’m sure the caffeine does didnt hurt…it was you and our conversations.

As Mother’s Day approaches, I can’t help but miss weekend morning coffee with my Mom and Dad. For so many years, even many years after I moved away from home, I would go over for coffee and Sunday brunch. Morning coffee on the patio was the best!

I am determined not to let myself get too down this Mother’s Day, and yet the moment I typed this, there is a huge lump welling up in my throat and tears in my eyes. I miss my Mom so fucking much! Abnormally close, she and I? Maybe. We have always been very close to our Mom and Dad, and so the transition to live without them both right here…it’s a lot. Painstaking, heartbreaking, life-leveling…a lot of fucking pain. You know what? I don’t want to live in pain anymore. Doug Stone wrote a song called, “Come in out of the pain”…which just came to mind…and I am ready.

I believe we can either get busy living or we can just give up. Theare has always been something in me that just won’t let me give up. No matter who or what or how bad…I have always held on to that tiny barely flickering light, off in the distant corner of my soul. I have always made my way back to that light and today is no different. Today, as I head toward that light, like my ass is on fire; the light is becoming warmer and brighter…more inviting and easier to visualize reaching. I will not let anyone else dull my sparkle. I will not let anyone else attempt to snuff my candle out. I shall be the torch that ignites us all!

When you change the way you look at things…the things you look at change. I need a new, fresh and more lively view. I need more belly laughs. I seek more love…unconditional, unfiltered, unmistakable love, love, love. I seek light as I emerge from the deepest depths of darkness and despair. You have all seen me crash clumsily and awkwardly, into the earth…now as I begin to rise from the ashes, you shall see my ascension into the greatness that life has in store for me…for you…for us all.

Our intentions take us there. Did you know that? So, be mindful about where you really want to go and how long you’re willing to stay there. I will spend as much time as I need to spend here, so that I do not pass this way again, and my time here is about to ignite! My spirit is stronger than the body that holds it. My love is bigger than any hate I’ve come up against. I’ve fucking got this! You’ve fucking got this too, you know?

I am glad we took a moment to have our morning coffee together, before we begin our day today. I am blessed to be here, in these moments with you and I love you! Go have yourself a most beautiful day!

I do have a challenge for you today. Are you up for it? Today, I challenge you to go do something amazing for someone who can never repay you. I mean fucking amazing…like go out there and change someone’s life today, for the good, amazing. Don’t overthink it or plan it out. Don’t wait until you can make it just right…just go out there and fucking do it! Whatever “it” is…big or small…no matter…costs money or doesn’t cost money…no matter. The only thing that matters at all for this challenge is that you do it, with all of your heart, for someone who cannot do it for themselves, whatever it is. I dare you!

So while you’re walking I that coffee mug back to the pot for your last refill of the morning…fill up that heart of yours too…and let’s get to work healing our world!

The beginning of Consciousness…a thank you to my pack!

 

7FEEEACF-21A5-4B6C-99B4-79497BD50F80.jpegGood morning everyone! Blogging with Pranja this morning. Pranja just had her second poop since she came home and we are elated!!!  Prajna’s swelling is coming down and her spirit is coming up, and we couldn’t be more blessed to have been rescued by Pranja.

Pranja…the beginning of consciousness. What exactly does that mean? We are definitely on time. Pranja’s very presence in my life has shifted my consciousness a great deal. Who am I? Who do I see myself as? The beginning of consciousness for me… I’m changing the way I look at things and watching the things I look at change.

My Dad and Cheryll are married and off honeymooning together. We had a nice afternoon at the Sanctuary before they took off on their trip. Seeing my Dad with someone else is different and a little unsettling…I’ve never seen him with anyone besides my Mom before. Seeing them happy together, is truly all I want for him. This has been a long and painful journey for me, navigating through the loss of my Mom and the loss of my Dad, on some level too. It really is what it is and I am feeling better coming out the other side a bit wiser. My Dad has a second chance at happiness and I couldn’t be happier for my Dad. Thank you all for your place in this difficult journey with me. Many of you have literally picked me up off of the floor in this transition…thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My health issues are being addressed and I have appointments scheduled. Everything that has come back so far appears to be normal. I am awaiting biopsy results, as my consult was rescheduled. A week from Friday, I will get results on my colonoscopy and my endoscopy. On the same day, I go in for my pre-op appointment for my hysterectomy. My primary is out of town until the end of the month and I will schedule with her when she gets back. My pain is manageable most days. Although ever present, I am finding ways to live around it. I am looking so forward to some rest and reprieve from the pain. I truly do want to thank each and every one of you for all of your love and prayers, for your texts and phone calls. I believe in the good things coming!

I also want to take a moment to thank Nahko. I also want to thank my Brother and my Sister…Ohana…who introduced me to Nahko. I cannot even begin to tell you how being introduced to Nahko’s music and meeting Nahko in Denver over New Years has changed me and grown me and lovingly supported me, through the most difficult days of my life. I love you Nahko and I hope to hang out with you someday. I mean, I hang out with you every day. Surrounded by your words constantly and inspired by the way you string your words together, by your real and honest account of your life and your experiences. As I write, I often see your words in my writing, as they have doused my very soul with inspiration for my own words. Your words give me strength for my journey Nahko. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sam, you have no idea how amazed and inspired I am by you! Truly, I have no words for how humbling it is to watch you come to life and speak your truth. I watch you transition the horror of your abuse into a healing room for us all. I love you Sam and I want you to know that I will always love you, no matter who or what.

Sigrid…no words my friend, for how happy I am that we are back in each other’s lives. I missed you while we were away and I know we are never really away. Our weekly tea has given me a place to be with Sam and to be whole. Our time together inspires me to continue my work in the world, especially when it hurts the most. I love you Sigrid. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To my dear, dear friend of over 20 years, thank you for making calls and referrals on my behalf. Thank you for being my liaison and my contact through all of this. Thank you for using your gifts to help me to be happy and well and whole again. The night of silence, next to a campfire at church camp, all of those years ago, Embraced in a hug with you…for me, began an amazing journey of the truest and deepest friendship, and I am so blessed that you are in my life. I love you sister. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To my therapist…you just have no idea how you have saved me and how you have helped me to learn to save myself. All of these years with you have given me a foundation for my healing and my growth. I know you’re got a best seller in my client notes…a fucking doozie for sure! Thank you for allowing me to use my words, my favorite word…whatever words I need to get it all out. I love you and I am so appreciative of all you do for me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Baby Taos…I know that being my service dog is a challenge. I know that I am hard to read and often hard to please. I know you’ve been unable to do your job, as I have tried to protect you from my pain by keeping us separate. Thank you for your patience as I learn to navigate my world. Thank you Baby Taos, for waiting for me to catch up, and I will catch up. You are my heart and I love you.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Aliah…where do I even start? We have had some rough patches, haven’t we? Thank you for your patience with me and for your push…you know the one I fucking hated…to open up a bit. Thank you for playing boxer with me and for even letting me win sometimes. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable and for holding space for me when I pushed you out of my space. I love you my little ghost face tacolita! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Karma..my little seemeow…I do aspire to be like you…to live my life large and without boundaries, to speak when I’ve something to say, to get up to wherever I need to get for the best view…to sleep whenever and wherever I want to. I aspire to have your voice and your tenaciousness. I imagine that is why we bump heads sometimes…you are who I aspire to be in a lot of ways. I love you Karma kitty. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Rocky…rocket man, Okja…you have no idea how you touch and inspire me every day my friend. Having been so unable for so long, to re-enter my own life after being badly battered…I defer to you and Pranja for strength and inspiration. I have never met another dog like you Rockadoodle. Losing a leg didn’t slow you down at all and your resilience inspires me to drawn upon my own. Thank you for being willing to be my service dog, even though you needed a service person. I live you Rocky, so, so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Pranja…sitting here with you, pulling heat out of your eye socket and having to take a lot of breaks because it hurts your eye and your heart…brings me to my fucking knees. While I am down here, I want to thank God and Tamara for you. I could never have known what a four pound chihuahua could do for my soul. I am humbled sitting next to you, sleeping with you curled up on my chest and in the pappose around my neck. Pranja, you truly are the beginning of the shift in my consciousness. I love you so much and I am honored that you chose to come her with us to be, forever home. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To all of our amazing and beautiful and healing babies here at Santuario de Karuna, thank you for holding spacefoe Me. Thank you for forgiving my absence. I am ready to come back home. Thank you for loving me through the hard stuff and waiting for me to come share the good stuff. I believe in the good things coming! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Tamara…no matter how I try, I never have words big or strong or deep enough to convey to you how much I love you. You and I have been on a difficult journey since we met. Losing Mom and all that has brought upon us…loss like that destroys relationships. I know that we can see how that could happen, and yet, we have done everything to ensure that it does not happen to us. I am so grateful that you never gave up on me. I am so thankful that you wanted to meet Sam, instead of leaving me because I am trying to meet Sam. I thank you for being my home, my forever and my strength. I thank you for carrying me when I couldn’t walk. I thank you for loving me when I didn’t know how to love me. I do love you, more than anyone or anything in this world and I thank God for you, every single day. Tamara, I love you, to the moon and back a million times. Thank you for loving me too, no matter what. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To each of you…thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For all of the prayers…for all of the love…for all of the texts and calls and hugs…for being here with me and for loving me, no matter what, thank you. I love you all right back.

I want to send some love to Tamara and her family today…I would like to ask for prayers going up and God will know what those prayers are for. Maybe we could all take a moment of silence this morning and send all of your love and prayers to Tamara and her family…it would mean a great deal to me.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Let us fill each other up…

Good morning everyone from Coral and Pranja. Pranja is fitting into her new family perfectly and healing nicely. We are so thankful and so blessed to welcome her home!

Prajna’s resilience and the resilience of some of my closest and dearest friends has given me strength and fuel for my journey and I am so grateful. I was running on empty and slowing to a stop, and Pranja and Rocky Aiden and their friends illuminated my own path for me again.

What do we do when we are hurt? I mean when we are really, really hurt…what can we do to heal ourselves? How can we make ourselves whole again? When we lose parts of our body, parts of our childhood…and our soul feels battered…how do we heal? When we are lost, and I mean really, really lost, like Aiden lost…how do we find our way home?

I have been sitting with this a lot…and I have concluded that we must change the way we look at things and the things we look at will change.

My Mom was taken from me before her time…My Mom was gifted release from her pain and suffering, right on time. My family abandoned me…My family and I are on different paths right now. My closest friends left me during the most difficult time of my life…those friends lived their seasons with me. People don’t understand me and accept me…Those people are not my people. I miss my Daddy…I love seeing my Dad happy. I have made mistakes and hurt people…I am learning and I am sorry.

This is what I am working on to re-frame my life a bit. I write to heal myself and to get it all out, and I’ll tell you what…the last couple of weeks have kicked my fucking ass a bit. Purging all of the nasty felt nice, while walking those steps again was really painful and sad…mostly just really, really sad.

There wasn’t a lot of anger this round….just a lot of old hurt and disappointment. Hurt for some of the horrific things that happened to Sam and disappointed that no one…no one at all, stood up and protected the children. My hearts hurt a lot feeling that. Words like “teasing” were used to make abusive behavior acceptable. Those who reacted adversely to the teasing were labeled weak and “teased” relentlessly. This vicious cycle was the “norm” in our family and everything in me disliked the way it felt to witness it, to participate in it and to be around it. I hate “teasing”. I hate being tickled and I hate hide and seek. These childhood games were merely titled that way to mask inappropriate behavior and to normalize it. Anyway, rough couple of weeks dredging that back up…and I am done talking about it on this day.

Pranja reminds me that we don’t live back there anymore. We don’t walk backwards anymore, into corners that we’ve liberated ourselves from.

What can we do to heal ourselves? We can start by accepting our past and healing from its trauma. We can be here now and live in the present moment. We can learn that forgiveness is the only thing that truly sets us free. We can know better and be better because we know better. We heal ourselves by forgiving ourselves and forgiving those who harmed us. We learn to function without our eyes and our legs and our friends and family. We only become whole when we accept that others cannot fill us. We become full when we don’t allow others to drain us.

When we are lost, how do we find our way home again? Aiden says that we are never lost, as long as we know that home resides within us. We are never away from home if we carry home within us always. Our physical homes will come and go…dwellings that we live in will perish…people in those dwellings will perish. We are home. You are home. I am home. Aiden found his physical way home because his heart never left home.

When you change the way you look at things,  the things you look at change. Wayne Dyer is one of my first and truest inspirations, and I thank him for this…his 365 days of The Tao…shifted my life in ways that I am so thankful for.

I hope you all have a beautiful and blessed day. I hope you invite and allow your  healing. I hope you find your home…your true home within yourself.

In our efforts to become whole, I think it’s very important to remember that we are all just walking each other home. Not one of us will truly be whole until we are all whole, and so I suggest we get out there and start filling each other up! Pranja and Aiden say that you will be so glad you did!

Rocky and Pranja and how they bring me home…

14290DB8-2942-4125-A295-18AA7605F901.jpeg

Happy Monday everyone! Pranja and I just settled in to write. My time with her has opened doors in me that I thought were forever shut. Her spirit gives my soul a jumpstart. Her resilience inspires me. Her pain…I release all that I can and help her to carry the rest until it subsides.

These day’s with Pranja remind me of those days with Rocky. Seeing an innocent life so hurt and hanging in the balance and the spirit soars through it all, with sleepy eyes and groggy everything…with shattered hearts and body parts missing…and the soul still in tact. These minutes, these seconds with Pranja, the breath to breath with Rocky as they amputated his leg. Praying for poop and finding new ways to hydrate…one piece of kibble at a time and only out of my hand…and lots of sleepy, sleepy…

Groogy eyes staring up scanning for my eyes…with a calling and a yearning…a plea that I will promise to always be right here. Barely able to keep the lids up, the soul shining through and begging for forever. Pranja with her one eye, desperately scanning and wondering why everything looks and feels different…with the same yearning and need for my commitment of forever as Rocky…the same soul barely shining through. Battered and bruised, held together by sutures…and needing to know with everything in them…can I count on you? If you’ll be here when I wake up, then I will fight all of the demons to find may way back to you…I will come back, if you will just want me. I just want you to want me forever, no matter what, and I will come back to you.

I want you Rocky. Look around me and see how many people want you. Look how many eyes and hearts are on you. They are going to take your leg and your other leg is in bad shape. You’ve lost part of your ear and you’re a hot mess, and I love you just the same. I’m going to wrap myself around you the whole time. I will never leave your side and I will place my heart against yours to beat for you when yours tries to give up. I will hold you through surgery and be your life support. I will carry you when you cannot walk on your own and I will be your breath when yours lapses during anesthesia. When we see the white light, I will let you make the choice that best fulfills your Dharma. I will carry you to the Rainbow Bridge if that is your next stop and I will carry you back with me if you are meant to come back. Either way, now that we share hearts, I will never leave you. Our hearts will always beat together and I will always be the breath that you can’t take on your own. You are mine and I am yours; no matter which walk we take today.

I was Rocky’s therapist and I was called for consult on an amputation for Rocky. My recommendation was to have the leg taken, and the joint taken, yesterday, as he was suffering. Rocky’s veterinarian and I agreed and Rocky was scheduled for surgery to amputate his leg. From the moment I met Rocky, I was all in…just like I was all in when I got the call about Aiden. I ate, drank, slept and all things were Rocky…I never left his side. Long story short, Rocky’s foster situation didn’t work out and the rescue asked us if we could keep Rocky until she could place him in the perfect home. Tamara and, without even having to pause, both said yes. The next day, I called and told her that Rocky found his forever home, and he has never left our side since. Rocky is home and we are so fucking blessed. Rocky is truly one of the most amazing and resilient spirits I have ever had the pleasure of knowing…I love you Rocket Man!!

Tamara was contacted and sent photos about a 4 pound chihuahua in bad shape, found on the streets in heat, with her eye literally hanging out of the socket. When I saw the photos, I wept. I began distance work on her immediately. On Friday I made plans to go do a treatment on her at her vet to try to pull heat and inflammation, post op, and to give her some love. I was en route to her vet to work on her and got a message from her savior saying that I would be picking her up and bringing her home with me.

The wave of emotion that came over me when I first laid eyes on Pranja, when I first held her in my arms…and placed her against my chest. I will just say that I knew I was home.

Pranja has some nightmares and I feel her. Tamara and I gently rouse her, like we do Rocky, and ease her back into the present, hold and love them through their fears. We literally feel their pain and it breaks our hearts right in two. You know what though, we wouldn’t trade one single second of who we are and what we do…not one second…we take the misfits and the throw always, the old and mistreated, the broken and the abused…the ones about to be slaughtered and the ones with no mommies. We take the ones left in boxes on the side of the road and the ones thrown in dumpsters. One mans trash is another mans treasure and we have some fucking treasures up in here!

As I sit here writing, with Pranja laying on my chest in her little pink blanket…I see that little eye begin to sparkle and the life in that little soul re-ignite, and I know that she and I are both home.

73D76DB2-82CB-4CA2-8E32-97133D0C53C0.jpeg

The healing train just rolling in…All aboard!

F8CB94A6-4E8B-43AD-ABDE-85186806FF31.jpeg

Happy Sunday morning everyone! I am writing my morning blog with Pranja. I cannot believe how much I love her…how much I feel her and understand her and want her to be well. Prajna’s resilience, like her Brother Rocky is something to behold.

Tamara and I are so blessed. We have no doubt about that. Stepping into action and walking each other home…I’ll just say that every single being, here with us, has blessed us far more than we could ever bless them. Every time we open our hearts to someone in need, someone discarded or thrown away, we are reminded exactly why we are here in the first place. We are reminded how blessed we are to be stewards of this land and guardian to Gods most special creatures. Pranja is, as they all are to us, one of the greats!

Nestled in her little pink baby blanket, with her head on my lap and cozied in my chair beside me, is one of God’s greatest gifts. No longer alone and scared and injured on the streets, Pranja is home! Welcome home Prajna!

I know that we have touched on some difficult and personal issuesas of late. My health issues have me running all over the place to this appointment and that appointment and to put it mildly, I am discombobulated and running on empty. I am transitioning from fear to acceptance and I am learning as I go. Fear has encapsulated me and had its way with me for my entire life. Fear is a liar, right sister?

I am not afraid anymore. I am not running scared and keeping my mouth shut. I am not completely paralyzed and trying to keep secrets. I am not a victim. I am a survivor.

My abuser has always called me a liar, when she wasn’t gloating about what she did. My abuser apparently still calls me a liar and you know what, I’m okay with that. I buried her a long time ago, long before I buried my Mom, I buried her Sister and so did she. I am not a liar. The fear that controlled me and the fear that took over my life, as a result of  her actions…those are the liars. Fear is a liar. My abuser, she is a liar. I am not a liar. I am rising from the ashes and the rubble of my life…I am grabbing Sam and I am getting the fuck out if here!

Everything about this place is as it always was…stale and empty…dark and isolating…fight or flight…blurry visions of fragmented pieces of memories…nothing changed since I was there last…except for me…I have changed. Sam is changing. We don’t need your validation as our abusers. We do not need your permission to speak and you no longer have editing rights on our content. We don’t need or care about your approval or your disapproval. We do not give one shit, two shits, red shits or blue shits what you think about us, what you every thought about us. We are not here to engage you or to listen to you. We don’t fear you. We feel sorry for you, swimming around in the bottom of your whiskey bottles and beer cans…and completely unaware that you are a hurt people, who has hurt people, who is still hurting people, with your ignorance and your denial.

I do often wonder why people call incest survivors and child abuse survivors liars? If I was going to lie about anything, it sure as fuck would not be so humiliating and demeaning and soul crushing to me. If I were going to lie, I can assure you that it would not be about being an incest survivor. Think about that for a second and let it sink in…who would lie about something like that? Who even has the courage to say the fucking word “incest”, let alone, tattoo it on their own fucking forehead? Hi, my name is Coral and I am an incest survivor. I am not a liar. I am here to heal, and anyone who wants to heal to is welcome to join me!

It has also been suggested that I may be lesbian because of my abuse and I would like to quickly address that also. Are you fucking kidding me? Given the nature of my abuse, I would be more heterosexual and just as astonishing as the Virgin Mary, wouldn’t you think? Sexual abuse at the hands of a female did not make me a lesbian and it also did not make me straight. These are not choices that we get to make…I am a lesbian, because that’s the way God made me. I have been confused in my sexuality by the constant torment and torture, during my most formative years, not because I’m confused as to who I love or how I feel. I don’t even label myself lesbian…I love who I love. I always have and I always will and it really is that simple.

If you can’t find your way to believe me…the good news is that I don’t need you to believe me and I don’t care if you believe me or not. I really don’t. You could probably validate my claims through my medical records, my long term therapist, through my sexual partners, through anyone who has ever been present during one of my blackouts or my nights of over consumption. I am not here to argue about what happened to me. I am here to heal for once and for all…I write, to get it all out. Ironically, none of this is about you…it’s really, really not about you. All of this, this is about me and Sam…Sam and I…Sam I am. I don’t owe you a thing, Sam though…Pranja and Sidney and Tombstone…anyone else surviving the horrors of incest, rape, physical, emotional and sexual abuse, being thrown away after you were all used up…I owe us all my loyalty and my due diligence to do what is right…to speak…to heal…and most of all, to put all of this behind me where it belongs.

Sitting here with Pranja, watching her tiny 4 pound body twitch during a nightmare. Seeing her Vulva literally drag the ground as she sits down…and watching her learn to focus with only one eye…and feeling my own deep pain, I am reminded why I am here. I am here to heal. As I watch Sam walk around with Pranja, barely willing to set her down, I have no doubt why I am here. Sam couldn’t protect Sam and nobody else protected Sam. Nobody protected Pranja either, and Sam, she is going to protect Pranja. Tamara and Coral, they are going to protect Pranja. Rocky and Aliah and Baby Taos…they are going to love and protect Pranja too.

Blessed with a forgiving heart and a lot of love in my heart…an ability to articulate my thoughts and feelings, the most amazing partner or the planet…with Prajna resting safely  upon my chest and Taos by my side…I begin taking huge strides in my healing journey! I hope you will join me on the healing train. She is pulling into the station now…All aboard! Let’s do some healing together, shall we?