Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday. Taos and I are cozied in and ready to write. Taos did great with the pellet stove this morning! It has been a struggle for her to self soothe through her own demons and she is doing fucking amazing! We are all learning to self soothe, aren’t we? How the fuck do we find it within ourselves to love ourselves enough to soothe ourselves through the terror of our lives? Where do we learn love like this? Where, pray tell, can we learn to calm ourselves in our storms? I used to scream at Taos to calm the fuck down. Yep, fucking brilliant am I. Screaming at me in a PTSD meltdown could keep me in an extended stay there. It will be no surprise that my screaming at Taos during hers kept her there much longer also. This morning though, we held each other through the pellet stove lighting. We stayed in each other’s arms until it was safe again. Learning to love my dog, and I mean really loving Taos like a verb, has been so hard for me. Maybe I didn’t feel worthy of such love from her, so I witheld love from her. I know I mimic how I’ve been dealt with in my dealings with baby Taos. My irritability with her is familiar to me, as it mimics the irritability launched at me.
Taos is a reminder to us all that the mirror we are holding up for another actually works both ways. We all do our prospective “jobs” and then come home to the exact situation we professionally handle all day long, only to fucking lose it when we have to manage the theoretical situation of our client in our own living rooms. All day long, I teach relationship skills and training and behavioral advice and implementation, and then I come home to my dogs pissing on the carpet and acting fools, and suddenly, I’ve no coping skills. Suddenly, the amazing therapist who just stood in your living room, is standing in her own living room without one fucking clue what to do. The therapist that you rely on to help you to manage your dogs is two seconds away from a colossal break herself as she sets her bare foot down on the carpet to feel the wet sensation of yet another spot of dog urine. It is in these moments that we truly learn the most, if we will only allow it. Why, pray tell, would my perfectly potty trained dogs piss on my beautiful carpet? Wait for it….I will tell you it’s not because they can’t hold it and it’s not because they never go outside. Our dogs are mirroring us and reflecting our chaos. Our dogs soak us up and take us in and when our lives are unmanageable, they shit it out on our fucking carpet. Our dogs openly receive us and all of our bullshit and then they do what we do, they have their own experience. The shit in the middle of the room is your wake up call. You’ll do what I did and you’ll take your dog to the vet, worried and concerned about this abrupt and unrelenting piss on your carpet and shredded blankets and behavioral outbursts. “Oh my God!!! Please help my fucking dog! She is a fucking disaster! My dog never shits in our house and she never pees on our carpet. Please help her! I think she is fucking incontinent. I am so worried. Please help my precious dog!”
Coral…shut the fuck up. Calm the fuck down. Chill the fuck out. Your dog is fine. Your dog is not incontinent and she is not sick. Your dog asked me to figure out what is wrong with you. Your dog just told me that you are wound up so tight that you barely fucking breathe at all. Baby Taos has observed that shit flies out of your mouth constantly, all over her, with no warning what so ever. Taos is worried about your incontinence, because she says it gets better and then you just spew shit all over for seemingly no reason at all. Taos is also concerned that you push away the very things in your life that you need the most. Taos says you cry a lot because no one loves you, and she is very confused because she only wants to love you and frankly, you are rigid and closed and unwilling to open, which is all that is keeping love from you. Taos says that she wanted to bring you in last week because some of your behaviors are concerning to her, and she kept you home instead to observe you a bit longer. Taos showed me the pictures on her phone of the pile of shit that she is most concerned about and I think I should probably run a fecal on it. Fecal matter like this is indicative of many things that we should be concerned about. Obviously, looking at this pile of shit, you are not drinking enough water. The blood all throughout your stool indicates inordinate amounts of stress. The markers clearly indicate that you need to make some adjustments to what you are putting in your body, and if I may be very direct, I am concerned about the shit constantly flying out of your mouth. I am going to send you home with a nice cup of shut the fuck up, which should be used as needed, when your mouth starts running incessantly about things that matter not. I am also going to give you a stool softener to help you to pass the excrement built up over a lifetime that is obstructing your vision and your purpose. Taos says that she is so glad she brought you in today because she and her sisters and her bo bo Rocky have been worried about your condition for a while. Taos says not to worry, she will drive you home and get your meds and tuck you in and take the very best care of you until you feel like yourself again. Taos already called Aliah and Rocky to let them know to get your bed ready for you. Momma Tamara said she will stop at the pharmacy and the bears just brought your chickenless noddle soup to a slow boil on the stove. Prajna and Karma Kai and Karma kitty are tending the fire and warming your blankets. Let’s go home momma Coral so I can love you through this.
So…with all of the humility and gratitude in my heart…with all of my love and thanks to the dogs who carry me through and the woman who loves me in spite of me, I close today’s blog with a message from baby Taos this morning:
Every day is a perfect day to begin again. Moments of life behind us have built us up to where we are. We must learn to recognize and embrace the beauty that is us, that lies within us…beauty that our world so desperately needs. Take some time today to let your dog help you to heal. Have a beautiful day everyone! Taos and I love you!