Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

An important message from Baby Taos…

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday. Taos and I are cozied in and ready to write. Taos did great with the pellet stove this morning! It has been a struggle for her to self soothe through her own demons and she is doing fucking amazing! We are all learning to self soothe, aren’t we? How the fuck do we find it within ourselves to love ourselves enough to soothe ourselves through the terror of our lives? Where do we learn love like this? Where, pray tell, can we learn to calm ourselves in our storms? I used to scream at Taos to calm the fuck down. Yep, fucking brilliant am I. Screaming at me in a PTSD meltdown could keep me in an extended stay there. It will be no surprise that my screaming at Taos during hers kept her there much longer also. This morning though, we held each other through the pellet stove lighting. We stayed in each other’s arms until it was safe again. Learning to love my dog, and I mean really loving Taos like a verb, has been so hard for me. Maybe I didn’t feel worthy of such love from her, so I witheld love from her. I know I mimic how I’ve been dealt with in my dealings with baby Taos.  My irritability with her is familiar to me, as it mimics the irritability launched at me.

Taos is a reminder to us all that the mirror we are holding up for another actually works both ways. We all do our prospective “jobs” and then come home to the exact situation we professionally handle all day long, only to fucking lose it when we have to manage the theoretical situation of our client in our own living rooms. All day long, I teach relationship skills and training and behavioral advice and implementation, and then I come home to my dogs pissing on the carpet and acting fools, and suddenly, I’ve no coping skills. Suddenly, the amazing therapist who just stood in your living room, is standing in her own living room without one fucking clue what to do. The therapist that you rely on to help you to manage your dogs is two seconds away from a colossal break herself as she sets her bare foot down on the carpet to feel the wet sensation of yet another spot of dog urine. It is in these moments that we truly learn the most, if we will only allow it. Why, pray tell, would my perfectly potty trained dogs piss on my beautiful carpet? Wait  for it….I will tell you it’s not because they can’t hold it and it’s not because they never go outside. Our dogs are mirroring us and reflecting our chaos. Our dogs soak us up and take us in and when our lives are unmanageable, they shit it out on our fucking carpet. Our dogs openly receive us and all of our bullshit and then they do what we do, they have their own experience. The shit in the middle of the room is your wake up call. You’ll do what I did and you’ll take your dog to the vet, worried and concerned about this abrupt and unrelenting piss on your carpet and shredded blankets and behavioral outbursts. “Oh my God!!! Please help my fucking dog! She is a fucking disaster! My dog never shits in our house and she never pees on our carpet. Please help her! I think she is fucking incontinent. I am so worried. Please help my precious dog!”

Coral…shut the fuck up. Calm the fuck down. Chill the fuck out. Your dog is fine. Your dog is not incontinent and she is not sick. Your dog asked me to figure out what is wrong with you. Your dog just told me that you are wound up so tight that you barely fucking breathe at all. Baby Taos has observed that shit flies out of your mouth constantly, all over her, with no warning what so ever. Taos is worried about your incontinence, because she says it gets better and then you just spew shit all over for seemingly no reason at all. Taos is also concerned that you push away the very things in your life that you need the most. Taos says you cry a lot because no one loves you, and she is very confused because she only wants to love you and frankly, you are rigid and closed and unwilling to open, which is all that is keeping love from you. Taos says that she wanted to bring you in last week because some of your behaviors are concerning to her, and she kept you home instead to observe you a bit longer. Taos showed me the pictures on her phone of the pile of shit that she is most concerned about and I think I should probably run a fecal on it. Fecal matter like this is indicative of many things that we should be concerned about.  Obviously, looking at this pile of shit, you are not drinking enough water. The blood all throughout your stool indicates inordinate amounts of stress. The markers clearly indicate that you need to make some adjustments to what you are putting in your body, and if I may be very direct, I am concerned about the shit constantly flying out of your mouth. I am going to send you home with a nice cup of shut the fuck up, which should be used as needed, when your mouth starts running incessantly about things that matter not. I am also going to give you a stool softener to help you to pass the excrement built up over a lifetime that is obstructing your vision and your purpose. Taos says that she is so glad she brought you in today because she and her sisters and her bo bo Rocky have been worried about your condition for a while. Taos says not to worry, she will drive you home and get your meds and tuck you in and take the very best care of you until you feel like yourself again. Taos already called Aliah and Rocky to let them know to get your bed ready for you. Momma Tamara said she will stop at the pharmacy and the bears just brought your chickenless noddle soup to a slow boil on the stove.  Prajna and Karma Kai and Karma kitty are tending the fire and warming your blankets. Let’s go home momma Coral so I can love you through this.

So…with all of the humility and gratitude in my heart…with all of my love and thanks to the dogs who carry me through and the woman who loves me in spite of me, I close today’s blog with a message from baby Taos this morning:

Every day is a perfect day to begin again. Moments of life behind us have built us up to where we are. We must learn to recognize and embrace the beauty that is us, that lies within us…beauty that our world so desperately needs. Take some time today to let your dog help you to heal. Have a beautiful day everyone! Taos and I love you!

What my CPTDS is to me…Why the doggie in the room?

Good morning everyone! Lucky day for us all to learn something, as I’m in a PTSD spin and can’t get out. For me…for Tamara..for you…for the unknowing passerby…I am going to attempt to blog from this space this morning to help you to understand me and those with this diagnosis.

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This is a hard fucking write and I imagine it will be a hard read also. Take what you need and leave the rest. I love you. Have a beautiful day!

The C is for complex. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Agent Orange. Vietnam. Desert Storm. 911. All PTSD. Multiple tours in Iraq…EMS and Fire responders…Sexual abuse and incest survivors. You. Me. We have been so egregiously harmed. We have so egregiously harmed. The complex in my PTSD diagnosis is because of the repetitive and unrelenting nature…the family dynamics…I am a triple diagnosed C-PTSD incest survivor.  Did not ever get a break from the abuse, like coming home from a war. I had to stay at war to survive. I still have not come out of fight or flight. I am still at mother fucking war. Every PTSD attack is like the same fucking war. Rest and digest…ya…never…not even now…because the war is in full on battle. Choosing to leave this battleground does not come without its costs. This war waged upon me at one time is now a fucking battle that is only in my mind and only with myself. You witness this in my attacks. The dog in the room and it’s over for me. Why? You don’t want to know. You ask and you won’t be able not to know. You ask again. And again. Why are you as you are with your dogs? Why do you want them near you and push them away when they come to you? Why don’t you love them the way I love my dogs? Why? Why would you surrender Nicholas? Why do you even have dogs? Why is your service dog, Taos, not with you? Why? Why do you put your dogs in crates? Why are you as you are with your dogs Coral?

I am as I am with my dogs, the dearest creatures to my very soul and existence, because as long as I can remember, I have been taught to treat animals as less than human beings. Dogs have no place inside our house. They are animals and we are people. People live inside and animals live outside. Dogs are a nuisance and they are nasty and they don’t belong. I was younger and I didn’t know then what I have come to know. I was one of them. I was in belief of the things I witnessed and was taught. Some of those beliefs hang on tighter than others as I struggle to shake them away. I was forced to intoxicate dogs. I was then forced to jump on the trampoline with them, intoxicated myself. I remember the vodka or gin I was made to pour in the water bowl. I remember my soul dying and tears welling up in my throat. Threatened with my own life if I cried or showed emotion, I began to laugh loudly, to cover and muffle the tears in my throat so that they not dare show through my eyes. “Make sure he drinks it all. You drink yours and I’ll get you another. Put that soccer ball away. You aren’t good enough to make the team anyway, and wouldn’t you rather be doing this than practicing all of the time anyway? If you were good enough, like the girl you love so fucking much, you wouldn’t have to practice all the fucking time, would you? Now get that dog and get your ass on that trampoline. Now. Coral. NOW, and I don’t want to see you crying like a baby. God damnit. Do I have to put him up there? Jump! Coral. Fucking jump. You start jumping or I’m coming up there. Do you hear me?” And the world went black and I jumped. And she yelled and I jumped. My soul died and surrendered and I jumped some more. I jumped and I jumped. I saw his face hit the springs. I saw him struggle and his eyes beg me to stop. I heard his cries as they echoed the cries of being my very soul, as I finally collapsed and fell to the springs myself. I don’t remember his name. He may have been a her. I don’t think he made it because I do not ever remember seeing him again. My soul shrieks now, recounting and sharing this with you. I could lose all of my clients over this. I can never tell.

Why do I freak out at the dog in the room you ask? I go somewhere else. I see and hear and think and feel and know another time and another place. Distant and yet so close, and all at the same time. Out of body. Only my soul with that dog in the room…the dog that I do not even deserve to look at for one fucking minute. Why Coral would you put your dogs in crates? I can either put them in there or me in there to keep us all sane while I try to dodge the land mines of my past, to reach the other side, safely for us all. “Coral, why don’t you love Taos? Baby Taos is the best dog ever.” First of all…Baby Taos is the best dog ever and I love Baby Taos with my very soul. You see, Baby Taos is Sam. Sam got treated how Momma Coral sometimes treats Baby Taos…with contempt and erupting anger for seemingly no reason at all. Baby Taos is Baby Coral and so sometimes we can’t be together as much as we would like to. You may not get it and that is okay because Baby Taos does get it and she loves me just the Sam.

A long time ago and just moments ago, the doggie in the kennel in the corner of the room didn’t trigger me at all and I was so happy to go and bring her out to be with me. The kisses she bestows on me and the tears she licks away. With her or without her, she is with me every day. My soul screams for her and my spirit will not rest. Not until I try my hardest and can say that I have truly done my best. Because I’ve no idea what the corner brings and no idea how I may react, we sometimes keep our dogs in kennels, to keep us all intact. Tamara didn’t come from here and she’s the one who asks the most…when will you be better so we can all become close? You’ve no idea how I pray for it or to what lengths I will go. You see the little doggie on the trampoline, she took me with her soul. I cry for her and I miss him and I cannot even recall a name. A boy or a girl I cannot remember, my soul knows him the same. He was white with a black spot or two…maybe his name was Jack? I will never know for sure, but I cannot give him his life back. So the doggie in the kennel and Taos deprived of momma Coral kisses…prayers for every second and any love that she misses. For Taos is momma Coral in a different time and space. Sometimes when I get lost, I only see another doggies face. A doggie I sent to Heaven long before his time. I was forced to choose his life or me and I chose mine. I do not have regrets as it got me here to tell you this. But God damnit I would give my life if I could only give him one more kiss. The doggie in the kennel and Coral in a little heap upon the floor. I will fight this battle I am fighting until it’s not a battle anymore. For the love of baby Taos and any feelings I have hurt. For Aliah and Rocky and Momma Tamara…all I can say is I hope I am worth…all the trouble I have caused and the hell that I am in. With your love I’m coming out and I beg you not to push me back in. So the doggies in the kennels that you may not understand is the hope for my beginning and my means to an end. To end a war that I have been fighting for every moment of my life…please God if it’s your will, may I sometime have my life? A life not built on torture and trauma of the worst kind. A life abundant and content…a life that I can call mine. With baby Taos and baby Prajna in tow at all times, with Rocky and Aliah and the bears following behind. I see Ali aging and I’ve wanted so much time. You’ve no idea how that kills me and how hard that I try.

Anyway…I am headed to clients, if I still have any after this. Either they will call and book me for an extra appointment because I am only able to do my work so well because of all of this…or I am about to get fired Apprentice style. Either way, I speak my truth to heal us all, as we hold hands and walk each other home. I love you. Have a beautiful day as we take what we need from this and send the rest back to the universe for the greater good of us all. And so it is.

I have a few a slots open for new clients…please let me know how I can help you!

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Good morning everyone! I am pulling this from last nights post on my business page. I am looking for a few more clients, as a few slots have opened up in the last few months. I would love to talk to you about how I may be able to help you, so please hit me up if you think we are a good fit to work together. I and my work are evolving and I am really excited to invite you on this journey with me! My slots are limited and will likely fill quickly, so please give me a call and let’s see what we can do together!

I just wanted to stop in and say thank you and that I appreciate you so much! I really do. This webpage is a work in progress and I am learning, slowly, how to work on it myself. I am redefining my business and deciding what direction to take my work. I am looking to take on a few more clients, in a limited number of weekly slots. Maybe you are my next client? I would really love to hear how I can help you!

Many if you may remember Aiden, and Aiden says to tell you all hello and thank you for helping him to get back home to his family! Aiden is doing great and sends you all his love!

I love the work that I have done for the past several years! Being an LMT is an amazing gift! Using that gift to facilitate healing in those who need it most is priceless to me. Animal Commuication work is my greatest God-given gift, as I just have a knowing and an acceptance of that knowing. I have recently developed the confidence I need, as an Animal Communicator, to share my gifts, without worrying so much about what people may or may not think of me and what I have to offer. If you need me and I can help, We can set up an appointment. If I can’t help you, I will say so, and try to find you someone who can help. You may as well call me and ask, right?

My passion is in my energy work and in my ability to connect with those who others cannot hear or reach. My work is evolving daily, as I speak their messages and honor them in my willingness to share their messages. I am driven by the desire to be of service and I know I have a gift that many need and do not possess themselves. That is why I am here, to help you!

As an Animal Reiki Master, I have been practicing for many years, the art of trusting my instincts and intuition, to such a degree that I do not question anymore, my sacred and cherished gifts.

I became an Ordained Minister, to officiate my Mom’s funeral if need be. Thank God, I didn’t need to use my gifts that day, from the pulpit. I was able to honor my Mom, as her daughter and I was beyond grateful when someone else answered that call to officiate.

I have been in customer service, to some degree, my whole life. I love interacting with people and talking to people, and getting to really know and feel and love pepole. I also love my solitude and my space and my quiet, in the times in between, so that I can hear and meditate and pray and absorb as much musical medicine as possible.

All of these are tools in my tool box and I want to continue to master my crafts. I also want to add something more, something needed and valued and me. Like me, more than I am right now…

I came here this evening, to ask you all of there is something that you need from me, something you see in me or something you get from me, that you think will make me better? I want to be better. Actually, I want to be the best, at what I do. I need you to tell me how I can help you? I just thought I would put it out there, for those of you who need something you’ve not found. Maybe I can help somehow? Feel free to contact me and we can discuss what I can do for you. Are you having issues with your animals and you cannot hear them? I can help. Do you need end of life/quality of life care for your animal? That is my specialty. Do you need some loving care to help you to help your companion? Please reach out if you need someone who can help you to hear and honor the needs of those who cannot tell you themselves. I also work on a case by case basis on animals with special needs and vet referrals.

Have a wonderful day and thank you for taking the time to read my post this morning! Much love and good vibes headed your way! I look forward to hearing from you! Love, love, love…

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The beginning of Consciousness…a thank you to my pack!

 

7FEEEACF-21A5-4B6C-99B4-79497BD50F80.jpegGood morning everyone! Blogging with Pranja this morning. Pranja just had her second poop since she came home and we are elated!!!  Prajna’s swelling is coming down and her spirit is coming up, and we couldn’t be more blessed to have been rescued by Pranja.

Pranja…the beginning of consciousness. What exactly does that mean? We are definitely on time. Pranja’s very presence in my life has shifted my consciousness a great deal. Who am I? Who do I see myself as? The beginning of consciousness for me… I’m changing the way I look at things and watching the things I look at change.

My Dad and Cheryll are married and off honeymooning together. We had a nice afternoon at the Sanctuary before they took off on their trip. Seeing my Dad with someone else is different and a little unsettling…I’ve never seen him with anyone besides my Mom before. Seeing them happy together, is truly all I want for him. This has been a long and painful journey for me, navigating through the loss of my Mom and the loss of my Dad, on some level too. It really is what it is and I am feeling better coming out the other side a bit wiser. My Dad has a second chance at happiness and I couldn’t be happier for my Dad. Thank you all for your place in this difficult journey with me. Many of you have literally picked me up off of the floor in this transition…thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

My health issues are being addressed and I have appointments scheduled. Everything that has come back so far appears to be normal. I am awaiting biopsy results, as my consult was rescheduled. A week from Friday, I will get results on my colonoscopy and my endoscopy. On the same day, I go in for my pre-op appointment for my hysterectomy. My primary is out of town until the end of the month and I will schedule with her when she gets back. My pain is manageable most days. Although ever present, I am finding ways to live around it. I am looking so forward to some rest and reprieve from the pain. I truly do want to thank each and every one of you for all of your love and prayers, for your texts and phone calls. I believe in the good things coming!

I also want to take a moment to thank Nahko. I also want to thank my Brother and my Sister…Ohana…who introduced me to Nahko. I cannot even begin to tell you how being introduced to Nahko’s music and meeting Nahko in Denver over New Years has changed me and grown me and lovingly supported me, through the most difficult days of my life. I love you Nahko and I hope to hang out with you someday. I mean, I hang out with you every day. Surrounded by your words constantly and inspired by the way you string your words together, by your real and honest account of your life and your experiences. As I write, I often see your words in my writing, as they have doused my very soul with inspiration for my own words. Your words give me strength for my journey Nahko. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Sam, you have no idea how amazed and inspired I am by you! Truly, I have no words for how humbling it is to watch you come to life and speak your truth. I watch you transition the horror of your abuse into a healing room for us all. I love you Sam and I want you to know that I will always love you, no matter who or what.

Sigrid…no words my friend, for how happy I am that we are back in each other’s lives. I missed you while we were away and I know we are never really away. Our weekly tea has given me a place to be with Sam and to be whole. Our time together inspires me to continue my work in the world, especially when it hurts the most. I love you Sigrid. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To my dear, dear friend of over 20 years, thank you for making calls and referrals on my behalf. Thank you for being my liaison and my contact through all of this. Thank you for using your gifts to help me to be happy and well and whole again. The night of silence, next to a campfire at church camp, all of those years ago, Embraced in a hug with you…for me, began an amazing journey of the truest and deepest friendship, and I am so blessed that you are in my life. I love you sister. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To my therapist…you just have no idea how you have saved me and how you have helped me to learn to save myself. All of these years with you have given me a foundation for my healing and my growth. I know you’re got a best seller in my client notes…a fucking doozie for sure! Thank you for allowing me to use my words, my favorite word…whatever words I need to get it all out. I love you and I am so appreciative of all you do for me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Baby Taos…I know that being my service dog is a challenge. I know that I am hard to read and often hard to please. I know you’ve been unable to do your job, as I have tried to protect you from my pain by keeping us separate. Thank you for your patience as I learn to navigate my world. Thank you Baby Taos, for waiting for me to catch up, and I will catch up. You are my heart and I love you.  Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Aliah…where do I even start? We have had some rough patches, haven’t we? Thank you for your patience with me and for your push…you know the one I fucking hated…to open up a bit. Thank you for playing boxer with me and for even letting me win sometimes. Thank you for loving me when I was unlovable and for holding space for me when I pushed you out of my space. I love you my little ghost face tacolita! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Karma..my little seemeow…I do aspire to be like you…to live my life large and without boundaries, to speak when I’ve something to say, to get up to wherever I need to get for the best view…to sleep whenever and wherever I want to. I aspire to have your voice and your tenaciousness. I imagine that is why we bump heads sometimes…you are who I aspire to be in a lot of ways. I love you Karma kitty. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Rocky…rocket man, Okja…you have no idea how you touch and inspire me every day my friend. Having been so unable for so long, to re-enter my own life after being badly battered…I defer to you and Pranja for strength and inspiration. I have never met another dog like you Rockadoodle. Losing a leg didn’t slow you down at all and your resilience inspires me to drawn upon my own. Thank you for being willing to be my service dog, even though you needed a service person. I live you Rocky, so, so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Pranja…sitting here with you, pulling heat out of your eye socket and having to take a lot of breaks because it hurts your eye and your heart…brings me to my fucking knees. While I am down here, I want to thank God and Tamara for you. I could never have known what a four pound chihuahua could do for my soul. I am humbled sitting next to you, sleeping with you curled up on my chest and in the pappose around my neck. Pranja, you truly are the beginning of the shift in my consciousness. I love you so much and I am honored that you chose to come her with us to be, forever home. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To all of our amazing and beautiful and healing babies here at Santuario de Karuna, thank you for holding spacefoe Me. Thank you for forgiving my absence. I am ready to come back home. Thank you for loving me through the hard stuff and waiting for me to come share the good stuff. I believe in the good things coming! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Tamara…no matter how I try, I never have words big or strong or deep enough to convey to you how much I love you. You and I have been on a difficult journey since we met. Losing Mom and all that has brought upon us…loss like that destroys relationships. I know that we can see how that could happen, and yet, we have done everything to ensure that it does not happen to us. I am so grateful that you never gave up on me. I am so thankful that you wanted to meet Sam, instead of leaving me because I am trying to meet Sam. I thank you for being my home, my forever and my strength. I thank you for carrying me when I couldn’t walk. I thank you for loving me when I didn’t know how to love me. I do love you, more than anyone or anything in this world and I thank God for you, every single day. Tamara, I love you, to the moon and back a million times. Thank you for loving me too, no matter what. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To each of you…thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For all of the prayers…for all of the love…for all of the texts and calls and hugs…for being here with me and for loving me, no matter what, thank you. I love you all right back.

I want to send some love to Tamara and her family today…I would like to ask for prayers going up and God will know what those prayers are for. Maybe we could all take a moment of silence this morning and send all of your love and prayers to Tamara and her family…it would mean a great deal to me.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

My lowest lows are making way for my highest highs…

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Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday!  I am writing with Pranja this morning. I cannot even begin to describe the emotions I have gone through in the last 20 hours or so. I am going to try though, as it has been so powerful and life altering for me.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday morning and while I was waiting, I sent our friend a message to see if I could drop by and do some Reiki and lymphatic work on Iris. Iris was found on the streets, in heat and with her eye literally hanging out of the socket. Our friend came to the rescue and began the process of getting her mended.

Between the message about dropping in to give Iris a treatment and me arriving at the vet, my doctors appointment rescheduled and Pranja, formerly named Iris, was in a pappose across my chest hopping up into the FJ for her freedom ride home. Pranja is home with Tamara and I and we hit the fucking lottery!

I cannot begin to put into words just how much I love Pranja and how  I feel her. My heart has been flipping between breaking and rejoicing for the last 20 hours. I look deeply into her eye and I see and begin to really know my own soul.

Our first stop was to go and meet up with Momma Tamara. Momma Tamara and I have been watching her story from the beginning. There was such beauty to behold the moment Momma Tamara laid her eyes on Pranja…all of that love flowing out with those tears…the release of al of that held emotion, the gratitude for prayers answered, that Pranja would find the best forever home ever. We all came home yesterday in that moment. We all had a freedom ride of sorts, as we laid our hearts and our eyes on one another in those first moments of our new life together. We are so blessed and we are so grateful and we are so committed to making the rest of Prajna’s life, the very best of her life.

I have been flailing and hurting lately. I feel attacked a lot and under siege a lot lately. I have been feeling bruised and battered…hopeless and helpless and worried. Sam and I have been stuck in that battered and tormented and tortured and broken little body of ours, unable to break free of its confines, until yesterday. Yesterday, when I took Pranja in my arms, I could never have imagined the love that would wash over me, the emotions and the gratitude that would flood me. On Prajna’s freedom ride yesterday, I began my journey, my freedom ride too!

Next stop…Aiden! Of course she would have to meet Aiden and of course, Aiden would have to meet her. Aiden will never leave her side. Aiden crawled between Tamara and I in the bed last night and curled himself around Prajna, and off to dreamland she went. Off to dreamland we all went. Taos by my side and Pranja on my chest…my girl on my other side and cozy in our bed, I believe we all came home a bit yesterday.

I won’t lie, I have always had big dogs. I have actually said that people should choose a cat or a dog…and not a cat dog. My ignorance still astounds me, and I stand corrected. Meeting Aiden shifted every perception I ever had of little dogs. Aiden is the biggest dog, with the biggest spirit I have ever met, in a four pound body.  My last 20 hours with Pranja has only reinforced what Aiden has been teaching me…the greatest souls come in the tiniest and most crumpled up packaging. Pranja and Aiden…four pound power packs to inspire and rejuvenate us all.

I just don’t want to put Pranja down. I want her to know that she is safe and that Tamara and I will keep her safe always. I want her fear to subside and her little body to heal and I want her to feel the safety of being home, safety I am just learning to feel myself.

As I face my own demons and learn more about the things that happened to Sam, I vow with all that I am to keep Pranja safe, to keep Taos and Aliah and Rocky safe. I feel myself in each of them and each of them in me. We are safe and we are home and Tamara and I promise that the rest of all of their lives will be the best of their lives.

Pranja does not have to take one more step in this world without her protectors. Pranja doesn’t have to spend one more night alone and scared and cold…raped over and over and over again. Pranja is safe now. Pranja is home.

I have no doubt that Aiden had a huge role in bringing Pranja to us. Aiden saw a need and he set out to fill a gaping hole. Aiden was a foster, for a quick minute and his Mom, forever labeled a foster failure, like so many of us. In my experience, that is how it always happens…they always rescue us, don’t they? Us “saving” them is a bullshit illusion…every single time. I have been far more gifted than I have gifted and far more blessed than I could bless. I have…we have…you have…been given an opportunity, every time you open your heart and your home and your checkbook to help another find their way home.

I have had difficulty being around my own Service dog since we graduated. I feel guilty for putting such a heavy burden on Taos. I hate the idea of Taos having to be in my constant pain and I have tried to protect Taos from me, by keeping us separated. Sam is blown out all over the fucking place and her pain penetrates everyone in her path right now, especially Taos. I know it’s not the right thing and yet it’s all I’ve known to do, in all of this pain. I need Taos and Taos needs me and we’ve got this…I’m learning what Taos has always known…we are right where we are meant to be. We are on time, aren’t we Nahko?

Sam and I have been discouraged and living in fear for a lifetime. Sam and I have hidden behind recliners and under coffee tables and in the furthest corners of the darkness to feel safe. Sam and I have closed our eyes so fucking tight, just to keep the ugly out. Sam and I get Pranja. Sam and I are Pranja. You are Pranja and Pranja is you.

Sam is rising up, with her whole heart, with a lot of help from her friends. Sam will not be silent about things that matter to her ever again. Sam speaks for Sam.

While Watching Pranja have little nightmares last night and gently waking her and loving her through them, tears rolled down my face, as I too, have nightmares like that. I held Pranja on my chest to feel my heartbeat and we slept.

Looking at Prajna’s badly battered little body,I cannot help but notice my own. Keeping her from licking her spay scar, reminds me that I will soon have my own spay scars.  Seeing and feeling Prajna’s resilience and her persistence gives me renewed strength for my own journey. We are all just walking each other home, as Pranja just reminded me.

Pranja and Aiden say that if you want to run with the big dogs, you’ve got to be larger than life yourself. If you want to heal, you’ve got to come in out of the pain.

I could not be more thankful or more blessed than I am in these moments, with Pranja on my lap, Taos by my side and my girl getting my coffee for me, so that I can head off to see my clients and Tamara can do her amazing work in the world.

The lowest lows bring about opportunities for the highest highs. I am going to ride this high for a bit, as I thank God for my beautiful and absolutely amazing life! I am so blessed and I am so thankful.

Welcome home Pranja! We love you!

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Check out time is now…

Good early morning! It kind of feels like I’m called to write in the morning right now. I do believe that writing helps me to start my day in a better place. Maybe getting it all out, clears some space, which feels nice.

I feel like I have been pretty absent from my life, for the past couple of years. The moment the phone rang at 9:30 at night, and Tamara and I flew out of bed and rushed to the emergency room…my life flipped completely upside down, and it has not been the same since. Our lives, have not been the same since that night.

I go through the motions the best I can and I work, as much as I can, which has been my lifeline. My clients and their owners have also been amazing, throughout my struggle to find myself and my life again.

I have some fear and apprehension around re-entering my life. Truthfully, I am just not even sure where to begin.

Anyway, that is what I am dealing with and trying to navigate right now. I didn’t make a grand exit…over time, I just spent more time in my grief, than I spent in my life. I don’t need to make a grand re-entrance back in…I do feel like I finally got the door open though…and that is pretty grand, in itself.

Luckliy for me…my life awaits. My amazing life, the one I was so excited to be in and the one that Tamara and I were building, the night that, that call came…that life is still here and I am beyond thankful for that…my work now is figuring out how to come back in…how to come in gracefully and how to be present again…how to laugh and smile again…

There is some wreckage behind me for sure, and some of it is my own doing, of this I’ve no doubt. My inability to deal with my life, my friends, my family…my thoughts and feelings…standing right in the middle of all of it and unable to access any of it…

I live in a Sanctuary…in paradise…in nature…with the most amazing beings…who all love me so much, and I’ve been unable to be out here, with all of them. I have been so afraid, that my pain was too much, and I have not wanted to spill that all over them.

I know I am wrong…in my head. My daily work, clearly points out the error of that thinking…I reach people and teach people, every single day, about allowing their animals to heal them. I teach breath, and yet, I cannot fucking breathe.

This morning, is the first morning, that I really feel like I am finally coming through to the other side a bit…because I sure as fuck do not want to stay where I have been!

Grief, defined and analyzed and experienced…is different for everyone. The time it takes…the toll it takes…the signs and stages…and for me, there has been no order, no sense of things…just pain…helplessness…sadness, lots of sadness…some anger, and not like you would imagine anger…more of an intent and constant misunderstanding, of all things, even things that used to make perfect sense to me.

Grief, like Groundhog Day…pounding and relentless and every fucking day…same fucking story, every morning and same despair every night, about living that story again, tomorrow morning…

I know that I had to take up residence here. The moment of my Moms diagnosis, I was handed the keys. I was confused, because I already had keys to my place…why would I stay anywhere else?

I am so glad you asked…it’s like the fucking Hotel California in here…and some days, I got the distinct impression that I could never leave…the keys only worked for the outside lock…and those keys that let me in, they are not the same keys that let me out…believe me, I have tried them all, in every direction…and these keys that got me in are not the same keys that will let me out…and panic sets in…

Panic set in a little while back, when the keys wouldn’t open the door, so I could get back out. I want my life back! I want my smile back! I want Tamara and Corals life back! I want to laugh again, to really fucking laugh again…let me out of here! Get me the fuck out of here!!!!

I scaled the fucking walls, scratching and clawing and frantically throwing myself at this door, full body slams, trying to dislodge the lock from the inside. I have pounded on the glass windows and they won’t break…they are so fucking dirty that I can’t even see out either! Get me he fuck out of here!!!

Completely out of breath and in sheer frustration, I collapse in the middle of the floor, in a puddle of my own tears. I have to figure out how to get myself out of here…

I must have fallen asleep, because I think I’ve been here for a while. The puddle of tears is almost dried up and I am sore as I rise to stretch a bit and shake it all off. I look around and everything looks different to me…I wipe my eyes, to clear my vision…

I walk over to the door and I place the doorknob in my hand…I give it a good turn, and it opens…no key…no struggle…no problem…

I am slightly perplexed…and yet, I am more elated to be free…than to question how it happened…

I don’t even bother to gather my things, as I have more than enough things…I may only have this moment, in this clarity, so I must go now…before the door locks again…before I can’t get out…

I yell for Taos, and she comes running and we turn the handle and push the door, from the inside out…and we walk, together, out of the harsh confines of these walls that closed in so tightly, all around us…

The sun is so bright, that we both need a few moments to adjust to the light. All of the colors are so vibrant and spectacular…and the air is light and smells so fresh…

I look ahead and I see Tamara, arms wide open, running towards us…and we run, like our asses are on fire…toward our life…towards love…towards healing…

The door that holds grief behind its threshold, can be a miserable and unforgiving place…a house of horrors and fear…it has been lonely and isolating and for me, necessary…to have spent the past couple of years here…

Just as necessary, if not more so, is my need to check out of this place now. I head to the desk to turn in my keys…Taos right on my heels…Peace the fuck out!!!

There is no one at the desk, just a key drop with a small sign that reads, “Your stay here, however brief or lengthy, was imperative to your journey back into your world…Peace be the journey…love, love, love…”

Sounds like something I would write…that’s odd…

We drop the key in the key drop and push the door…the door that wouldn’t open, for all of this time…and it opens with no resistance…and in this moment, I know, the door was never locked…This is all symbolic, isn’t it?

I came here, out of necessity…to survive the sudden and unexpected death of my Mom…I stayed here to mend myself a bit, to find myself a lot and to learn to feel and cry and hurt, without numbing my pain…

I leave here now, because I am not dead…I have felt dead inside for a couple of years…and that’s okay, because part of me died that day, with my Mom…the other part of me, that didn’t die with her, is ready to come back to life…and so it is!

I believe in the good things coming and I am so grateful for all of the great things already here…love, love, love…

What do I fill up this empty hole with…

I woke up and decided to stay up and write. Dedicating my self and my time to this blog has been so healing for me already…

I have always felt that writing has helped me to sort things out and express myself. I found stacks of letters and cards that I had written to my Mom. I haven’t been able to look at them yet and I know she cherished them. It means so much to me that I found these letters mixed in with things most important to her.

I have all of her cards and letters too. I keep cards and letters myself. I keep the ones where I felt the most loved…and every now and again, I will pull one out and read it…just to feel the love…

I have always written cards and letters and thank you notes…and I have found that people really don’t have a place for these things anymore. I do. I believe I always will…I love opening my PO Box and getting snail mail, for me, from someone who loves me and spells my name right and wants to tell me that they love me…hell yes!

This hardly ever happens anymore…bill pay is mostly online…ads go straight to recycle when I go to the PO…and everything is typed and my name is not my name…no one gives a shit…and that is abundantly obvious…and so, I like to write…i like to be written to…

I like to share my writing and many people have been on the receiving end of my letters and poetry…my cards and love notes through the years…

Going through some of my Mom’s things, she always had beautiful stationary and address books and she sent cards and recipes and letters to the people she loved all of my life…I must have gotten my love of writing from my Mom…

Writing is definitely a love language for me. I never realized, until I started this blog, how much…

There is a lot of me in my writing. A lot of my personality…a lot of my thought process and a whole lot of my heart, in my writing…and I think that is why I have always tried to share with others…to share my love, love, love…

Definitely some rambling thoughts at 4:00 AM…

I woke up dreaming of my Mom…and waking, only to realize that she is not going to be meeting me for brunch today…fucking Groundhog Day, almost every day, since she died…definitely has taken a toll on me…on my heart…on my life…this loss has been like a huge wrecking ball crashing through everything I hold sacred…

Losing my Mom left a huge fucking hole, and I have tried to be mindful and not just shove shit in that hole to fill it back up…just so it won’t feel empty…

This part of my life…where my Mom used to be…will always be a little bit empty. I will never have another Mom. I choose , for now, to find a way to honor the hole where she was, the best way I can, without trying to frantically fill the void, with things that don’t belong there anyway…without frantically throwing dirt on top of it…

Being in therapy for a while, with someone whom I’ve come to trust and allow to know me pretty well…I see the time and hard work beginning to pay off… I am beginning to feel the healing.

My Mom, my therapist…my Dad…Tamara…anyone who has known me intimately, they have all said that I should write…and I have always known that I would write…and so, I write…

I have no doubt that all of you have lost someone dear to you. None of us are alone in this, and yet, in the loss of the things most dear to me, I tend to feel isolated and alone…sad and often inconsolable…definitely lonely, for the one that is gone. I imagine we all must feel like this on some level…when we lose someone we love.

Having lost someone dear to me last week…I revisited this place. I tried to navigate it a bit better this time…I was so present and so thankful to share his last moments, just as I was with my Mom…so humbled, just to be there as he crossed over…

Those moments, though extremely difficult, have not been as difficult for me, as the moments after…the moments like this morning, where I wake up without him…without my Mom…moments where I would give almost anything, for another moment…

Everything becomes a reminder and suddenly, everything and everyone…every place and every moment…becomes a trigger, a brutal reminder of what is gone…

I have found this to be true for me, with people I have lost, that are not deceased, but gone abruptly and not by my choice, from my life…I will wind up in a moment, often times a song or a place…and it just fucking hurts…

I want to pick up the phone and call and say, “Hey, I love you and I miss you and I am sorry for all things that didn’t serve our highest good…can we just love each other again, and be okay?”…I have wanted to make these calls, so many times, and I do not…not anymore…I used to…I used to do this a lot. I do not do this so much anymore…

After much therapy, I realized, that often times, I have sent texts, made phone calls, written letters and emails…in hopes of getting a response…not so much because I had something to say…much more, because I needed to hear something…I needed the call…I needed the text… and so I sent one, to get one.

This elaborate run around never worked for me and truthfully, I was not even aware I was doing it…I was left feeling more empty and less connected…I got my response and it was just that, a response…another response to throw in that empty fucking hole…the empty fucking hole that I perpetuated by throwing more emptiness in…

This empty hole that I speak of…don’t we all have one? What the fuck do we fill it with? How do we stop falling into it?

Here is my theory for the empty hole…the inconsolable void…

we don’t fill it…

we let it stay empty, until it’s not…we should be careful to not fall into this hole ourselves, so maybe some caution tape and safety equipment are in order, to protect us…

and we don’t fill the hole…

So, I am going to call off the contractors and the back hoes, the Ditch witches and the dirt delivery…and I am going to sit here, on the edge of this massive hole…and give thanks…

I am going to give thanks that I was gifted someone so special and so wonderful, that I loved and cherished so much, that this hole could be so fucking massive.

Imagine how much worse it would be, if there were no hole…no void…no empty space…where you once existed? Wouldn’t it be much worse, if when we lost someone, we felt nothing at all?

There truly is nothing I hate more than nothing (thank you Edie Brickell for that lyric)…so even thought the void and the holes are fucking massive…I will take that, any day, over nothingness…

For me…if I ever shared time and space and love…if I shared myself and my story…my dreams and my fears…with you…and you left, for whatever reason…your fault…my fault…you left a void…a void that I couldn’t fill…you bet your sweet ass, I probably tried…and the void, although smaller and less painful, the void is still there…

I love Taos…so very very much…anyone who knows me at all, knows how much I love my Baby Taos…and yet, fuck do I miss Nicholas….his hole still has all of its caution tape and warning signs, and this hole is fucking deep and still painful…I wouldn’t put Taos in this hole for anything…

Taos and I sit on the side of this hole, and my Mom’s hole and other holes, where my heart has been deserted…and we laugh and we cry and we share space…and some day, I will have a hole and Taos will have a hole and even you, will have a hole…and so it is…

Today, I choose to sit here on the side of the deepest hole I have, next to my rickety old caution signs and faded caution tape…next to Taos, and just leave it as it is, until it’s not anymore…

Looks like it’s time for me to get ready for my beautiful clients…

I wish each of you a truly beautiful day…full of all things that fill you up and make you whole…

Love, Love, Love…

As I close my posts, I have chosen a closing affirmation…and it goes like this…

I write to heal myself and to get these thoughts and feelings, conflicts and hurts…out of me. I intend no harm by doing so and I send everything back to the universe, to be recycled for the highest good of all involved…that only love and healing, forgiveness and peace may exist here…Blessed be the journey for us all and may we only exist in our highest place in one another’s lives…Peace be the journey…love, love, love…always love…

And I am thankful…

Friday evening…finally! This has been a strange and difficult week for me…I was blessed with some very painful lessons this week, and I am thankful.

I went to see my Chriopractor today, and I always feel a nice release and a clean slate, so to speak, after I see her. I have been with her for over twenty years and she has seen me through some really hard shit, and I am thankful.

I got to see my Little Brother today and it has been a while, and I am thankful.

Losing my Mom divided our family in ways I could not have imagined and He and I have been very distant, and so seeing him today, was very healing for me…I hope the same is true for him, and I am thankful.

I had some amazing musical Medicine today, and much needed, for my upcoming journey. My journey is about to look different than it has ever looked before, and I am thankful.

I have been gifted the most beautiful and amazing…patient and honest partner…and I am thankful.

I have, on loan from God himself, the most amazing and attentive Service dog. Patient and forgiving…smart and so happy…and walking through PTSD with me, every single day…and I am thankful.

I don’t know if any of you suffer from PTSD…if you do, I highly recommend training your own Service Dog, to help you to navigate the world a bit more comfortably.

I won’t lie…the training is not easy, not by any stretch of the imagination is it easy…and you will have no choice other than to see yourself, I mean really see yourself…and I am thankful.

We had several training sessions where I went almost fucking fetal…and so did Baby Taos, and sometimes not on the same day…and we walked through it together, every week…and I am thankful.

We graduated and then the real work began…hundreds of training hours and testing and class time and pack walk and seminars…and practice…and meltdowns, some ugly fucking crying…and Taos graduated 90% or better, on all testing… was awarded K-9 Good Citizen Award…and now we do the work…and I am thankful.

I have been a colossal wreck, for over two years…inconsolable at times, and having Taos with me all the time just didn’t seem fair to her…I felt like it was too much for her…and I stand corrected, for us both…we need to be together, as much as humanly possible…and I am thankful.

I am thankful for Tamara and my amazing therapist, who gently nudged me, and often pushed me a bit, to allow Taos to help me…I didn’t realize it then…I didn’t let Taos help me because I did not feel worthy…I was wrong…I am worthy and Taos needs me too…and I am thankful…

I hope each of you have an amazing evening and that you feel amazing love…whatever that feels like for you…I hope you feel that…and I hope you offer amazing love to someone else, and that they feel that…

”We are so provided for…we are so provided for…” and I am thankful.

As I close my posts, I have chosen a closing affirmation…and it goes like this…

I write to heal myself and to get these thoughts and feelings, conflicts and hurts…out of me. I intend no harm by doing so and I send everything back to the universe, to be recycled for the highest good of all involved…that only love and healing, forgiveness and peace may exist here…Blessed be the journey for us all and may we only exist in our highest place in one another’s lives…Peace be the journey…love, love, love…always love…

 

 

 

Good Morning from Coral and Taos…

Good morning! Trying to blog in this very busy coffee house is a bit different than blogging in the quiet and comfort of my home.

Taos is doing amazing! The more we are out and about, the more we are both relaxing and mergin into each others energy and rhythm…

By the way, Taos, is my Service dog…in case you didn’t know already…and she has a heart of gold and the patience of a saint. Our training really just began when we graduated and certified…who knew?

I did not know…I mean, it makes sense. I just did not know…

So, for Taos and I to be doing as well as we are doing, in public, as a team…in the park as friends…and at home as a family…makes my heart happy…

I love you Baby Taos! Thank you for your loyalty and your dedication and your love for me…I am beyond humbled and honored to have you by my side, navigating life’s storms with me…

We are on the road to some amazing things coming and we are so thankful for all of he good things already here!