Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

A message from Teddy this morning…

Happy Saturday everyone! Welcome home! Thank you for all of the love for Teddy. My life is better for the years I spent walking next to him. What a beautiful soul. What a gentleman. What a friend. What a loss for my heart this morning as I head out to see Teddy’s family, without Teddy this morning. These moments in my work remind me why I do what I do in this world. I have been gifted, blessed and loved and I’m going to share my gifts as much and as often as I can. The break in my heart where Teddy exited is the light that I enter into this morning.

On my way to work on Thursday morning, I hit a squirrel. The squirrels name was Peter. I locked down on my brakes and I swerved, to no avail, as my tires ended Peters life. I was destroyed. I was wailing in agony. I had to hit Peter again, as I did not want him to suffer. The pain in my heart as my tires rolled over Peter again. I was crushed and destroyed inside. The agony of taking a life consumed me and I wept. God, did I weep. Peter came to me and told me that he had run in front of me on purpose…that fifteen years here was quite enough. Peter told me that he saw me swerve and miss him many times before, in our truck and in our Jeep. Peter killed himself on Thursday, under the weight of my FJ. Peters life ended at my hands and I cried. I drove home and Tamara came to me. I collapsed in my carport and I wept. I sobbed. I hurt so badly for wha I had done. Peter was 15. I was late to my client, as I tried to compose myself. I made it to my client and so saw Teddy. My heart shattered again.

Teddy was to join his friend Peter. Peter left just before Teddy to prepare a place for him. Teddy held on for as long as his body would let him…all for the love of WC, his beautiful father. Teddy’s love for WC is unmatched. When Teddy knew that WC was going to be okay…when he knew that his Dad was home and safe and well…he was able to shed his broken body. Teddy waited for his Dad and then Peter waited for Teddy. Peter and Teddy are with me now and they send all of their love to us

Teddy day this to us this morning…I got here swiftly. I was accompanied by my traveling companion Peter. Peter shared my dog bed in a stuffed squirrel body, so that I could find him when I left here. I am a sight hound with bad sight and so Peter came with me to show the way. I see perfection now. I am perfection now. A gentleman and a scholar, I lived my life in greatness. I bit a child once and I never was quite okay again. I felt bad. I don’t feel bad anymore, as I now know it was the way of things. My mom is love and I learned a great deal by watching her love and move in the world. Coral, Hannah and Gypsy day hello and please tell Alice I’m still there, so don’t mess with me! And Penny, be nice to my sister. Only I boss her. And Dad…you’re doing great. I’m your angel now…your guardian Teddy dog, at your service. I know that you don’t like to pray, so I talked to God and he said it’s fine with him if you prefer to say, Dear Teddy…I will always give him your messages and his to you. I’ve gotta go or Coral will be late to work on my brother and sister.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. Thank you Peter and Teddy for coming to see us this morning!

Did I mention that I am home?

Happy Wednesday everyone! Did I mention that I am home?!

I have been away and with some amazing clients, at the home of some of our very dearest friends. I am always so at home there and so welcome there and so loved there. Even when they are away, they love me. They leave me the best vegan goodies! They leave fresh linens and fill the refrigerator of my favorite things! Best clients ever at loving me like a verb. My mom got sick and they flexed so I wouldn’t lose my pay. My mom died and they were at the mortuary for the viewing, the day that my very soul cracked. Every single moment since, and every bottom that fell out, they have loved me so, so much…like a verb, always, in all ways. Janet and William have become our close and dearest friends, our family actually…our chosen family. Being in their home is home also. Home is where you are safe and loved and always welcome. Home is a place prepared. Thank you William and Janet, Teddy, Alice and Penn for being so fucking amazing! Thank you for your love. Thank you for inviting me into your sacred space to love the ones whom you love more than anyone else; while you are away. Thank you for all of your love, like a verb, for your friendship and for believing in me and my work so, so much that we helped to bring Aiden home…and we walked Gypsy and Hannah home and we walk home together. I love you and appreciate you and thank you so much for being such a part of me!

Being away from our home is the best reminder of how blessed I am to have our home to come to. Being away from Tamara is the hardest part of anything I ever do. Seeing her before I fall asleep and watching her wake up…morning coffee and “light” conversation, as I’m learning (Thank you baby) are the best part of waking up….(you know you did it too…”is Folger’s in my cup…”). Seriously though…being away from her always brings me back to her…closer and more sacred…more beautiful and true…more real and honest…more raw and open. I am thankful I feel this way about the most amazing woman in the world! I love you Tamara. Thank you for taking care of everyone while I was away. I know you have been double-timing it for me for a while now. I thank you. I love you. I’m coming home baby! I’m coming home!

Spooning with Rocky and hugging Baby Taos…playing “shake your po po” with Aliah…nestling in Nahko Bear and Mala Bears fur and having Prajna sleep at my heart all night…watching Karma Kitty sleep in front of the fire…because I missed them so, so much. Taking Rocky’s face in my hands this morning and holding him close to me, I realized I missed them all for more than a few days…I miss them all for the time that I have been gone from me. I have seen them and touched them and been so unable to reach them since my Mom got sick. My bottom fell out and I just could not come back up. My bottom had more bottoms and the last bottom to fall out, I sank even lower than my first, and I just could not come back up. Hondo stood before me yesterday and I was with him, and I and so thankful to be back home!

Being away from home, and coming home, almost for the first time since my mom passed away, I got my head above water once again. I am breathing once again. I am home, once again. I haven’t had a breath since my last bottom fell out, when the man I trusted more than anyone, showed himself to be a liar. I finally took a breath, as I pulled into our driveway. Coming home yesterday morning, as the sun began to rise before me, with snow falling all around me, with Tamara’s voice on surround sound in my beautiful FJ, I thanked God for his mercy and for his grace, I shifted up a couple of gears, to get home to my girl. The snow fell softly. Pink blared through the speakers and I sang along, with my little big brother Jamie riding shotgun, queen amongst queens, with all of his heart singing louder than myself…I smiled a huge smile. I began to become myself again, to like myself and love myself again. “What About Us”…we are us! AND we are the best fucking part of us! All of us…we are the best part of us.

My world has been shaken and my PTSD has had her way with me for the last three years. Every time I get back up, I get knocked for a mother fucking loop! I come crashing to the ground and I cannot know how it happened. I am done with this cycle. My last bottom has fallen out. I am done with the drama that spins this fucking circus. I am done with the gas lighting and the bullshit. I am done talking about and consuming myself with the pain that rocked my fucking world. I am moving forward. That’s it. I am done back there, wondering, wishing, hoping. It is what it is. It has always ever been what it is. Nothing changes what it is.

I am an artist and a writer and a mother fucking poet. I have always been these things. I am love. I am learning what that means, to be love, to be loved, like a verb. I am a gifted and very blessed “healer”, although my views on that are that I am not. My hands…me…my words…those flow through me. The healing does not come from Coral and it never has and never will. I am a vessel, a portal, a voice…for the healer himself/herself/yourself/myself to enter in and to do their work. I am so blessed and so grateful and so thankful to be able to be who I am. I am so fucking excited to begin to know who that is! Thank you for being here with me while I figure things out. I love you. Did I mention that I am home?!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!