Good morning everyone! I am trying to warm up this morning…a bit chilly out here on this day. I am definitely ready for the sunshine! I feel like I have spent way too much time in the autumn of my life.
I spent some time with Morgan last night. I spend a lot of time with Morgan. On a few of our worst nights, Morgan kept Aiden and I safe. When everything felt so unknown and unsafe, we crawled into Morgan’s belly to seek sleep and find refuge.
My physical body sure is displeased. What I would like for my body to do and what my body are actually doing, are two very different things lately. I am frustrated by all of this. For those of you following the journey of my unwell ass, I am scheduled for a face to face consult on Wednesday morning, to determine what is wrong and what needs to be done to fix it.
I would appreciate all of your love and prayers…as this is not comfortable or easy for me, and I am wearing thin from the intensity and duration of the pain. Prayers for gifted and loving hands to go and and clean up and fix the damage, so that I may return to my life. This sitting on the sidelines bullshit is not for me. I am ready to jump back in the game already!
I am through all three Birthdays in my family and feel that I can come down a bit, not sitting in the pain of what used to be…the longing for what once was. I made it from March 9th-April 9th. I survived April 6th…and it may not seem like much, but this year, it’s taken the life out of me. This year, celebrating the birth of people gone from my life, as I’ve always known them, almost took a girl completely out.
I know that some of you are missing someone so much too, and I feel you. I am sorry for your pain and I send you all of my love.
A dear friend sent me this yesterday and I want to share it, because what an amazing perspective;
“I may have shared this with you before. I don’t remember. In a letter to my brother my grandfather said,” since love is not a piece of cake which has to be divided, take all my love for yourself and give all my love to your sister, mother, and father.” It’s the reason I send “all my love.”
Isn’t that fucking beautiful? We don’t have to divide our love! We can give all of our love to everyone, without dividing it or portioning it out. I love this! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I absolutely love it! I can give all of my love, as much as I want, and no one will be shorted or cheated. No one will get less because someone gets more. Everyone can have all of my love! This just made my fucking day and so I had to share it with all of you immediately!
I have definitely lost my way here lately. All of the physical pain…all of the grief and fear…all of the loss…I took a near mortal blow this time, and narrowly missed the next blow, and the next…and they just keep coming.
So, what do we do from the depths of these despairs? What do we do when we are standing at the bottom of a pit that knows no bounds…no beginning and no end…no top and no bottom….slippery sides you can’t grip to crawl back out and seemingly no one up top with a rope…what do we do from here?
I have come to believe that this is where we rest. Admittedly not the most comfortable accommodations…not the most glorious views…no room service. No internet or cable television…hell, there is no television at all down here. No fucking windows and no air circulation. It’s hotel California without any of the fucking perks. The only perk you need though, hotel California doesn’t even offer….you can leave when you are ready to leave.
Do you realize that nothing is holding you here? Whatever landed you here, powerful and relentless…the turbulent and unforgiving force that dropped you in this hole, cannot keep you here.
I advise you stop looking up and throwing yourself at the walls, trying to scale your way out…scream and cry your way out…lunge and flail yourself hard enough to ricochet out…If you want out of this despair, you must stop using every ounce of energy, trying to get out. If you want out of here, you must first be here. You must be here right now, or you will never get out of the despair you have become incapsulated in…emersed and covered in. To get out of here, you must first spend adequate time being here. You must be here now to get out of here alive.
So, now that we have decided to stop fighting this…now that we have submitted to sitting down and catching our breath. Now, and only now, shall we begin to see our own truth. There is the most cozy and comfy bed over there in the corner. Clean sheets and the perfect pillows. The softest and lightest sheets and the coziest blankets you’ve ever touched…Go ahead, go and lie down. There are the perfect PJ’s and the just right slippers, for when you wake from your slumber. For now though, strip down and crawl into your rest. Crawl comfortably into your reprieve and rest. True and faithful warrior, lie your head down and rest…restore…replenish and renew…the proverbial and seemingly endless bottom is the foundation on which we will launch ourselves into our beautiful new lives!
Once you’ve slumbered enough to reset, as you wipe the sleep from your eyes, you look straight ahead of you. Do you see what I am seeing? I am seeing a door…a door that I never saw until just now…a door that simply says “push”…Do you see that same door?
This door, the one that opens from the inside…we all have this same door. Where does your door lead? What does your door open to? You can leave whenever you are ready and you are welcome to stay as long as you wish. There is no lock…no key…no tricks to unstick it…just a gentle push, whenever you are ready.
Whenever you are ready, push your door from the inside, and welcome to the amazing life you have imagined…the life that waits for you to re-enter. Until you are ready though, rest.
I send you all of my love as you realize that you are not captive…you are not in prison…you are just about to open…and we will all be here to welcome you, with open arms, open hearts and all of our love!
I dedicate this post to my friend Janet. I love you my friend. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Today’s idea for my blog vane from your beautiful message yesterday!