Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I give you all of my love this morning…

Happy Tuesday everyone! I thank you all again for your love and prayers. Yesterday is behind me and I am grateful. My heart never recovered yesterday from the impact of three years without my mom. It was wonderful to step completely outside of myself and to make the day about someone else.

I have a pretty busy day today and so I leave you with all of my love this morning. I know all of your love has saved me so many times. Thank you. I love you. Have a beautiful day!

All of my prayers for my MRI today to reveal the cause of my pain…

Good morning everyone! Still blogging along. I began blogging every day in December. I made a 365 commitment to myself, to blog every single day. I am so glad I did. Some days getting here is hard. Today, getting here is hard. I feel really scattered. The fatigue from the constant and unrelenting pain, coupled with the fatigue of no sleep is catching up to me a bit. I just want to be well.

I was browsing through Facebook yesterday and I saw some people that I don’t talk to anymore…people who don’t talk to me anymore. I’m not even sure who isn’t talking to who in some situations. I have been sitting with that and how odd it feels. Pictures of my Mom…of my family pop up and it all seems a million fucking years ago. Pictures of some of you…a million fucking years ago.

Seeing pictures of my Mom sitting next to me smiling…some days, on the best days, she still is. Maybe a hummingbird or a butterfly…maybe a flash of her face through my tears. Maybe her high heels clicking against the tile and maybe her eyes rolling as I speak. My minds eye and my heart seek her out. Some days screaming at the top of our fucking lungs. The primal cry…the primal pain of separation, being ripped umbilically and torn in two, as I stood over her casket. We do not know this pain, until we know this pain. Once we know this pain, the pain of losing the woman who carried us into this world…we are changed. No matter who you are, and however you lose your Mom, even if she gave you away…there is no separation like that of a child losing their Mom. I felt pain before. I hurt deeply before. I never hurt like I hurt the moment my Moms heart stopped beating. I knew…I could not, not know, in that very moment, that part of me died right there with her. Part of me stopped right then and right there…my heart, my life, my knowing…it all just fucking stopped. My Mom was ready to go and I understand that…I really, really do. I am glad she didn’t stay and suffer anymore. I will tell you this though, I still don’t know how to lose her. I still don’t know what the fuck to do without her. I have my MRI today and my Dad is coming to be with me. I am grateful and thankful and I know I will put my Mom in the bathroom, waiting in the other room, waiting in the car…because something in me can not bear for her to not be there too today too. I cannot explain it. I cannot say why it is so, only that it is so, at least for me, when I am feeling sick, I miss my Mom. I have been really sick and I am not getting well, anymore than my Mom will be in that waiting room when I go in and when I come out today. It is more than missing someone, it is as though this pain in my umbilicus is worsened by the severed connection and the complete disregard for me…the absence and the loss…Hurting in my belly button so much that I am nauseous, a lot, I cannot help but miss my Mom. I cannot not be aware of all that is no longer there…all that is broken there…all that has no answer or explanation there, in my tiny belly button.

I am not scared and yet I am feeling anxious. I am putting all of my prayers into finding the source of ALL of this pain in today’s imaging. I am praying that imagining is recorded as mine and handled with the utmost care and consideration for my fractured fucking psyche, from being handled by people who didn’t see me at all or care enough about me enough to be present. Maybe my body looks like every other fucking body that you see every day and maybe I can’t tolerate the pain enough for that “Handle With Care” tatty I’ve been meaning to get since my surgery. Or the “Fragile” or “Be Here Now” tattoos that you have inspired by your disregard and absence when you went inside me. Maybe being inside me isn’t a big deal at all to you…I think you really ought to know that anyone being inside of me, for any reason at all, is a big fucking deal. Oh wait, I did tell you that. I cried as I told you that, and you still didn’t fucking see me. You dropped me and let me shatter and you never looked back, did you? Not except to cover your ass, did you ever look back to check on me after everything you did and didn’t do to take care of me, your patient, under your care. Your ass…the one that I speak ambiguously and yet openly about, the one that shows, much more than your heart. As I struggle to get well, to find out what is wrong and to address the pain that you didn’t address, pain that your absence caused and keeps on causing…I notice your absence. Today, as I have to go have more imaging, I know you are not thinking about me and praying as hard as I am, that Tamara is or that my family and friends are that we find what is wrong today, so we can make it right again. Maybe you are…for different reasons, maybe not…either way, I am praying for you and for everyone who you put your hands on, that you be fucking mindful, mindful as fuck…that you fucking show up and be present, stay present…give two fucking shits, about the person whose life you have great potential to destroy in your absence inside of them. We do not need…people like me, with PTSD, do not need people like you making our already difficult lives more difficult, because you don’t rwally care about us.

In this moment, I bring my world to a slow and steady still. I breathe with intention to stay mindful and present. I pray for today’s imaging to be the imaging we need to clearly and without difficulty, to see what is causing the pain in my pelvic, posterior region and my post op umbilical and pain in my pubic area. I pray that this imaging is so clear and that treatment for it is so clear, that we can schedule immediately and without haste to get me well. I place my faith and my trust in my PCP to help me to make me better. I am not well. I pray, with all of my heart, to be well. If you are so inclined, please pray for me to be well.

Thank you for being here today. I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day. I am going to see a couple of clients before my MRI this afternoon. Please keep me in your heart and mind your prayers. I love you and thank you so much!

I send you all of my love…

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Good morning everyone! I am trying to warm up this morning…a bit chilly out here on this day. I am definitely ready for the sunshine! I feel like I have spent way too much time in the autumn of my life.

I spent some time with Morgan last night. I spend a lot of time with Morgan. On a few of our worst nights, Morgan kept Aiden and I safe. When everything felt so unknown and unsafe, we crawled into Morgan’s belly to seek sleep and find refuge.

My physical body sure is displeased. What I would like for my body to do and what my body are actually doing, are two very different things lately. I am frustrated by all of this. For those of you following the journey of my unwell ass, I am scheduled for a face to face consult on Wednesday morning, to determine what is wrong and what needs to be done to fix it.

I would appreciate all of your love and prayers…as this is not comfortable or easy for me, and I am wearing thin from the intensity and duration of the pain. Prayers for gifted and loving hands to go and and clean up and fix the damage, so that I may return to my life. This sitting on the sidelines bullshit is not for me. I am ready to jump back in the game already!

I am through all three Birthdays in my family and feel that I can come down a bit, not sitting in the pain of what used to be…the longing for what once was. I made it from March 9th-April 9th. I survived April 6th…and it may not seem like much, but this year, it’s taken the life out of me. This year, celebrating the birth of people gone from my life, as I’ve always known them, almost took a girl completely out.

I know that some of you are missing someone so much too, and I feel you. I am sorry for your pain and I send you all of my love.

A dear friend sent me this yesterday and I want to share it, because what an amazing perspective;

“I may have shared this with you before. I don’t remember. In a letter to my brother my grandfather said,” since love is not a piece of cake which has to be divided, take all my love for yourself and give all my love to your sister, mother, and father.” It’s the reason I send “all my love.”

Isn’t that fucking beautiful? We don’t have to divide our love! We can give all of our love to everyone, without dividing it or portioning it out. I love this! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I absolutely love it! I can give all of my love, as much as I want, and no one will be shorted or cheated. No one will get less because someone gets more. Everyone can have all of my love! This just made my fucking day and so I had to share it with all of you immediately!

I have definitely lost my way here lately. All of the physical pain…all of the grief and fear…all of the loss…I took a near mortal blow this time, and narrowly missed the next blow, and the next…and they just keep coming.

So, what do we do from the depths of these despairs? What do we do when we are standing at the bottom of a pit that knows no bounds…no beginning and no end…no top and no bottom….slippery sides you can’t grip to crawl back out and seemingly no one up top with a rope…what do we do from here?

I have come to believe that this is where we rest. Admittedly not the most comfortable accommodations…not the most glorious views…no room service. No internet or cable television…hell, there is no television at all down here. No fucking windows and no air circulation. It’s hotel California without any of the fucking perks. The only perk you need though, hotel California doesn’t even offer….you can leave when you are ready to leave.

Do you realize that nothing is holding you here? Whatever landed you here, powerful and relentless…the turbulent and unforgiving force that dropped you in this hole, cannot keep you here.

I advise you stop looking up and throwing yourself at the walls, trying to scale your way out…scream and cry your way out…lunge and flail yourself hard enough to ricochet out…If you want out of this despair, you must stop using every ounce of energy, trying to get out. If you want out of here, you must first be here. You must be here right now, or you will never get out of the despair you have become incapsulated in…emersed and covered in. To get out of here, you must first spend adequate time being here. You must be here now to get out of here alive.

So, now that we have decided to stop fighting this…now that we have submitted to sitting down and catching our breath. Now, and only now, shall we begin to see our own truth. There is the most cozy and comfy bed over there in the corner. Clean sheets and the perfect pillows. The softest and lightest sheets and the coziest blankets you’ve ever touched…Go ahead, go and lie down. There are the perfect PJ’s and the just right slippers, for when you wake from your slumber. For now though, strip down and crawl into your rest. Crawl comfortably into your reprieve and rest. True and faithful warrior, lie your head down and rest…restore…replenish and renew…the proverbial and seemingly endless bottom is the foundation on which we will launch ourselves into our beautiful new lives!

Once you’ve slumbered enough to reset, as you wipe the sleep from your eyes, you look straight ahead of you. Do you see what I am seeing? I am seeing a door…a door that I never saw until just now…a door that simply says “push”…Do you see that same door?

This door, the one that opens from the inside…we all have this same door. Where does your door lead? What does your door open to? You can leave whenever you are ready and you are welcome to stay as long as you wish. There is no lock…no key…no tricks to unstick it…just a gentle push, whenever you are ready.

Whenever you are ready, push your door from the inside, and welcome to the amazing life you have imagined…the life that waits for you to re-enter. Until you are ready though, rest.

I send you all of my love as you realize that you are not captive…you are not in prison…you are just about to open…and we will all be here to welcome you, with open arms, open hearts and all of our love!

I dedicate this post to my friend Janet. I love you my friend. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Today’s idea for my blog vane from your beautiful message yesterday!