Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday! The struggle is real for me this morning and I could really use some love and prayers.
For those of you following, here is an update on my medical situation. Due to severe childhood sexual trauma, I have constant contracting in my vaginal/anal region. This is lifelong. I’ve never not hurt in this region. My pain hangs out around 5 or 6 almost all of the time. Often higher and seldom lower, for as long as I can recall. I really don’t know how to describe it…other than to say it is ungodly and traumatic…like a constant ramming and ripping down there. It doesn’t stop or subside and the more time I spend in my sobriety, the more noticeable and intense the pain becomes. In an attempt to make this stop and because my mom died of cancer, I had a complete hysterectomy and have agreed to try these injections into my pelvic floor. I have to be put under anesthesia for the procedures because my trauma and my PTSD won’t handle it any other way. This will be my third procedure and I have a long fucking road ahead…a very long road ahead of me.
The darkness begins to surround me as I cannot help but remember the ramming and ripping and the pain and the torture and the fear that landed me here in the first place. I cannot help but hurt for Sam as I so clearly see her in my minds eye being brutalized and berated and tortured. Scared and trembling and not allowed to cry or make a sound…and after giving her best fight,little Sam put her little head down and closed her little eyes, vaulted up out of that little body, and went to meet God again.
I have my pelvic floor injections this morning and it’s really fucking with me. My last injections, which were three injections on the right side and a nerve block on the left side. And fuck did that hurt! The contractions eased for less than 24 hours after all of that, and so it sit here weighing it all. I’ve been put at every three weeks instead of four to six weeks in between injections, and so even though I’m doing everything recommend, my pain still persists.
I want you to know that I am taking this needle to the vagina for all of us. I am enduring the horror of this to heal us all. Trembling as I seat myself into those stirrups and fighting back the tears for us all…I want you to know that I do this for you. For me. As I fade off to sleep, I recount your horrors and your stories and I take one more for the team. We are a team you know? As I think of you and little Sam, I know that I must stay strong. I must not give up because I am afraid…because it hurts…because it doesn’t feel like it’s working quickly enough. I must suit up and show up and give it my all. I must do this for us all. We all deserve my strength and so I share my once private world with you…to bring us all back in…to call each of us up…to love every single one of us back to good. We came in perfect you know…you and I…we came in perfect as we were. We are fucking perfect now.
The darkness around me this morning reminds me of the light that I am. The fear that I can’t handle the pain is a reminder that this pain is not that old pain. This pain has a means to an end. This pain is to heal me and not to harm me.
I will be five years sober on January 2nd 2019. I am sober in these darkest hours. For anyone in active addiction, struggling to get out, let me tell you this. I would be dead if I were not sober. I killed careers and relationships, friendships and dreams with my drinking. I destroyed myself and the people closest to me in the depths of my addiction. I did not give one fuck, at least not where anyone could see. I checked out because the knowing of what happened to me was more than I could handle. Physically, emotionally and spiritually compromised. Financially and emotionally bankrupt. I drank to fill a void, to dull a pain, to forget the horror. I drank to feel a part of things and I drank in isolation to be free of all things. I drank when I woke up and I drank myself to bed. I got promoted, I drank. I got fired, I drank. My life hurts. My heart hurts. My family hurt me, and I was forced to drink. I was forced to drink so I wouldn’t remember, so I wouldn’t cry too loud, so I would pass out…so you could have your way with me while I lost me completely. I almost did you know, lost myself completely.
Today though, I am not lost. I am more deeply saddened and crushed than you can possibly imagine, as I remember those who hurt me and how they hurt me. My soul screams as I remember faces on the other end of the hands wrapped tightly around my neck, taking life from me over and over and over again. There were more than two hands and there is more than one face on the other end other all of this. I did not know and now I cannot not know and my soul shrieks and tremors…convulses and I almost cease to exist at all. And then I think of you. How can I help you to be strong if I cannot muster the strength within myself to stand up for what is right? How can I give you hope that I do not have myself? How can I love you if I can’t love me enough to find wellness and wholeness and love? I cannot give you what I don’t have and so this morning, I am going to go and get us all some healing, some strength for our own healing…make that call and get yourself seen.
We rise the fuck up, don’t we? We rise the fuck up. This morning, as I am pushing myself with all I’ve got…I invite you to do the same. Do not sit in your shit for one more second. If you are sick, go and find wellness my friend. Be well. You deserve…I deserve…we all deserve to be well. If you are drunk, get sober. Seriously, stop sloshing around in your own fucking shit. Every day you do the same thing and every day you get the same results, don’t you? Did you know that is the definition of insanity…to do the same thing over and over and over again and to expect different results? I know. I know. Your life has sucked and your drinking is an illness. I know. Me too. And guess what, if you want what we have, we will help you to get it. You have to want it first though. You, in the bottom of your bottle…the one who is losing her grip on reality…the one who is drowning in self pity…I’m taking this one for you today…These injections this morning…I take these injections, each and every one of them…for you, that you may find your strength, your worth and your way. You are fucking worth it. You are everything! Taking one to the vag for you today my friend…in complete solidarity…with all of my love, today, for the alcoholic who still suffers, I go in for my injections.
Please join me in the Serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
And so it is. I love you. Have a beautiful day!