Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

And the snow globe finally cracked, and I don’t know what to do.

Good morning everyone and happy Friday. The struggle is real for me and I am having a hard time writing, sleeping, eating…being. I come here still and write what I am able. My life has fallen out from all I’ve known and I am reeling in shock. I tremor in pain and my eyes hurt from all of the tears. As I said before, I don’t know what to do. I thank you for your love and your patience and your prayers as I navigate this uncharted and very treacherous-terrain. I wake wiping the salt from my face from the tears that seeped out in the night. Aside from clients and scheduled engagements, I am catatonic and keeping myself very busy and physically exhausted. Must be a coping mechanism, as I am either completely catatonic or in constant motion. Things I cannot openly speak about plague me as I find a way to lie them to rest for once and for all. Millions of questions befall me and I urge them to move along unanswered; for the why matters not. Nothing much matters anymore in this horror or unconscious, self-centered and inflictive decisions, thrown about like the snow falling all around me.

I have been in this snow globe my whole life and I am busting out. Looking at the world from in here, pressed up against the glass, just trying to feel what it feels like out there. Held surrounded in a glass that is anything but transparent…anything but true…with snow that is, in actuality, bits and pieces of my fractured life falling all around me. Shaken up over and over again for the enjoyment of so many, only to be set down and left alone, watching from the outside, my world go by. Gathering dust and more dust until I can’t see out at all, until someone picks me up and shakes me again. My life blows all to shit and the pieces flail about until they fall in rest at my feet. Through the handprint of the last person to shake my globe, I see what I can of the outside world. This has been the life inside the snow globe. Packaged up in dark and stale space for months and years on end…retrieved or stumbled upon from time to time, and placed away again.

Finally a few days ago though, sitting on the table and hit with something launched at me, the glass finally broke. Every time before, the glass has kept me safe. This time though…the glass finally cracked and the water that holds me started seeping slowly out. For days I have tried to keep myself safe, as the crack just keeps growing longer and longer. There is barely any water left in here. I have a bit left to stand in and my broken pieces are all around me, soggy and plastered against the glass. And I don’t know how the fuck I got here and I don’t know what to do.

My mind reels constantly. My heartbeats faintly. I don’t know what to do. This globe…this shell that housed me in isolation with myself for a lifetime finally broke and I don’t know what to do. Still on the inside without anything to sustain my life and unsure of how to get out…I sit in this place, on the bottom of my globe with the pieces of my life all around me. I find a particularly odd shaped shard next to me and I pick it up. Fuck, this one is heavy and jagged and sharp and pointed…this one hurts me to pick it up. Pick it up I must though, because this is my ticket out. I will strike the glass from the inside and shatter this globe so that I can get out. With all of my might and with all of my intention, I pick her up and I hurl her at the crack in the glass. I hit the ground and cover my head to take cover, as not to be hit by falling glass. Nothing. Nothing at all as she barely misses me as she falls. I pick her up and hurl her again and again and again at the glass, trying to break myself free. Sobbing and bleeding and exhausted, I sit back down. With my face in my hands and my heart broken completely in two, with all of these memories…I realize that I simply do not know how to leave. I will not survive for long in here and it has been days already. So exhausted and so heart broken, I curl up in the corner of my globe with a little piece of my mom in my arms and I fade off to sleep. Her dreams and wishes and my dreams and wishes…our life together…our story and our struggle…our difficult walk together…I lie with these things and I cry myself to sleep. I cry and I cry and I cry…and in sheer exhaustion, in despair and I mourning, I fade off to sleep, praying. The only way out of here shall be my prayers and my own ingenuity…the only salvation for me is me. The snow globe finally cracked and I don’t know what to do.

And I don’t know what to do.

I’ve known not what it felt like to feel the way I’m feeling. I am so fragile and so broken…so raw and so inconsolable. I am laying here not knowing what to do. I do not know what to do. I break and I don’t know what to do. So so sad and I don’t know what to do.

Eight hours later and tossing and turning and praying and lying awake and I don’t know what to do. I get up because I’m not sleeping and I sit here in the darkness alone and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I lie back down because I’m tired and I can’t sleep and I don’t know what to do.

Everything is all jumbled up and it’s all a fucking mess. Nothing is as it was and nothing makes any fucking sense and I don’t know what to do. Words hold no meaning and promises shatter and I don’t know what to do. Dying wishes dishonored and adult children returned to their toddler state of emotions because we don’t know what to do.

Constantly beginning my prayer and then trailing off lost and scattered somewhere, because I don’t know what to do. Feeling like even God is having a hard time finding me right now and I don’t know what to do.

I stayed down in the studio to try to regain control of myself and I don’t know what to do. I cannot seem to find a starting point in which to grasp on to to begin to heal and I don’t know what to do. I am hot and then I’m cold. I am shattered and barely breathing and I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know what to do.

I must not let this take me. I feel like I have been beaten and left for dead and I don’t know what to do. The screaming inside won’t stop and the tears cannot seem to hold themselves in and I don’t know what to do. The lump in my throat is a constant companion and the crack keeps getting bigger and I don’t know what to do.

All of my life has been a struggle. All of my life has been hard. I have always kept my head down and kept on keeping on. I have always known I was living for something…that this was not all in vain. As I sit here completely fucking shattered and unable to gather my own pieces, I don’t know what to do. I can’t imagine what I’m living for or what I could possibly offer. My girl is up in the house worried sick about me and I don’t know what to do. My life went off course three years ago, like a locomotive without a conductor and I don’t know what to do to bring myself back in. I feel like I’m rounding the corner a bit, and then this and that and mostly this, and I don’t know what to do.

I sit here shaking from lack of sleep. The sickening nature of all of this has me literally vomiting and I don’t know what to do. I sit and stare in circles and I pray for the spinning to stop, because I really don’t know what to do.

I am shaken, rattled and unsettled. I am raging and ripping apart on the inside. I am screaming inside so fucking loud that I am deaf to the world around me and I don’t know what to do. I cannot reach you. I cannot reach her. I cannot fucking reach me. God is right before me and I can’t seem to reach him and I don’t know what to do.

All of this…all of this pain…it’s taking me somewhere. Struggling to hold on, I’ve worn myself weary. Chasing the things that left me has made me weak and so so tired. Keeping coming back has left me disoriented and I don’t know who or where I am. Better off dead for all of us and yet, I know I’ve a purpose and I must beat death again first. Literally at my very own funeral, and laying myself and all I’ve been and known and believed in to rest. Reading my own eulogy, with no words, as I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who or where the fuck I’ve been. I cannot even stand up to dust myself off and I don’t know what to do. The casket has me in it and the life is surely gone. That heart does not seem to be beating, as the lid comes down on top of me. I do not bother to move or push or try to get out anymore. I close my eyes and I lie dead here in this box, in the cold and unforgiving earth from which I came. I can’t keep the tears in as you come to kiss my forehead goodbye. You don’t notice and you don’t bend down to kiss me either. You walk past as though I am not there at all, with your gaze out in the distance, on anything but me. You are empty and shallow and gone. You haven’t seen me in so long. I’ve been laying right here, waiting for the last nail to take its place, so that I may die my last death. The tears will surely drown me and the break in my heart will undoubtedly render it useless to keep beating. My eyes see nothing anymore and my lifeless and broken body begs to go. My ears are turned off and my mouth is sewn shut for once and for all. I simply don’t know what to do. And do I close my eyes and let the lid come down. I hear the last nail being hammered in and I don’t make a sound. I don’t know what to do.

I will be in prayer today. I will be in therapy tomorrow. I will keep keeping on. I don’t know how right now. I will hit a meeting. I will cry and sob until I get it all out. I will sit catatonic for countless more hours in the nothingness of my unfitting thoughts. I will sob into my hands to try to make it stop and it won’t. It will slow down until you turn and leave the room, and then I will well up and overflow again. I will do whatever it takes, for however long it takes…I will give this what it needs to rear it’s ugly head and heal me. All the flashbacks and the visions and the horrors…all of the hurt and the betrayal and the loss…I will watch them one more time, for the last time. I will sit down here all day and let this take its course. I will let her take me and shake me and break me. I will let her hurt and shatter and flail about until she falls into pieces exhausted at my feet. I will let her do her dance and have her way before the midnight comes again. For when the clock hits the twelfth stroke of midnight tonight, I will go to my death. I will lay myself down and succumb to this death of million busted lifetimes, countless broken hearts and a million misconceptions. I will lie down and I will close my eyes. I will cross my hands over my heart and I will take my last stale breath. I will die to this for once and for all, I’m preparation to rise again.

For today though, I canceled my pelvic injections. The roads are icy and the reschedule was too early. Most of all though, today is not the day to drop that trauma down on top of me, of injecting me in the vagina with nerve blocks to try to heal my pain. I fear that as fragile as I am, the pain and the trauma and the anesthesia may just be a bit too much for me to overcome today. And so I put my healing on hold to go forth and break apart some more.

I am seeking counsel. I am calling God. I am crying out and I am turning inward. I am down here while my whole life is up there. I am on the outside looking in, as I’ve always been. I am in the worst pain of my life and I don’t know what to do. The physical pain is so bad that I can literally barely walk at all and my heart…my fucking heart….and I don’t know what to do. All words seem pointed and everything fucking hurts. I crave comfort and must accept that I am truly inconsolable right now.

  • Today I give myself the day to fall apart, to pass away, to do what I must do…however that must look, to lay myself and all of the crosses that I bear to rest. Today I make the final payment for your sins so that your debt will be paid in full and you can move on. I use everything left in my account to pay your debt, to free your soul and allow your rising. I clear my own debt too today, my karmic debt to those I’ve harmed, to those I’ve disappointed…to hearts I’ve broken and lives I’ve wreaked havoc on..today I lie it down. There is just enough to clear our debts and so I lay the money down. I do this in loving memory and in honor of the woman who carried me in, the father who offered his seed and his counsel and who taught me how to pray. To my mom and dad, who did the best they could with the life force that is me, I offer my gratitude. Today, I go in silence. Today I go in peace, to figure out how, for I don’t know what to do.