Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Please reflect and pray with me…

Good morning everyone! Happy New Year’s Eve! This day used to be a huge drinking day for me. Everyday was a pretty huge drinking day for me, come to think of it. Anyway…I was fucked up five years ago on this day. Thankful for another shitty year behind me…praying for a better next year…yada, yada, yada…and shots for everyone! I don’t even do shots…unless someone pours or buys me one! Okay though!!! That’s how I spent the first 41 years of my life. Mindless. Careless. Numb. Fucked up. Miserable. Hostage. Stuck. Sad. Drunk. Fighting. Fucking. Arguing. Drinking. Drinking. Drinking. So on this, the eve of a brand new year, I thank God for the friend of Bills he sent to me on that day, on my way to happy hour…a friend needing a friend to go to an AA meeting with her. Sure I could go to an AA meeting on my way to happy hour! I know my friend is going through a hard time and hey, I heard they have free cookies and coffee and I should eat before I hit the bar anyway, right?

I never made it to the bar that evening. I never made it to the bar again. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. Thank you Tamara for inviting me to that meeting five years ago. I will be five on January 2nd, 2019. “There but for the grace of God go I.” This morning’s reading on the last day of the year was so powerful for me that I wanted to share it with you also. Thank you Bill.

I am so glad you are here! I really am. Blogging every day, no matter what, has been so good for me. I am going to blog every day for another year. I have heard from so, so many of you who come here. I know my blog has helped you too. To be able to go somewhere every single day, and to know that someone else will be there too…I guess that has helped a lot of you and I am so happy to hear this! You being here every day helps me too. Especially on my most difficult days…you being in the healing room with me…well it helps me so much. Thank you.

As I spend today in prayer and meditation and in loving time and space with my girl, I think of each of you. I want you to know that. As we walk each other home, I place your hand in mine. I place my arm around your shoulder, and I pull you close to me. I whisper in your ear to remind you that I’ve got you. I am because you are. Ubuntu. We are all here to love each other home. We live in community with people starving and dying in our streets. Hooray for me and fuck you, as Tamara says..when we have an attitude of ingratitude.

I am on a hellbent mission to love us home and I will not stop until I’m done. I may not be your typical preacher and I may not speak to you at all. I may though, speak to you. Will you please pray with me? For the year behind us and for the year ahead…for this very moment, let us pray.

My soul brother Rumi, we come to you thankful this morning. We are thankful for the last 365 days…the 525,600 minutes of the year behind us. We ask for your love and guidance for the 52 weeks and 8,760 hours ahead of us. Most of all though brother, we ask you to help us to live in this moment. Just this one…right here and right now. The past is behind us. The future is not promised to us. The present truly is right here and right now. In this fucked up crazy world, where everyone and everything is our business…gently remind us that everything is not our business. We know right from wrong. Lord help us to do what we know in our hearts to be right and just. If we cannot find it within us to stand up…God give us the courage to stand down. If we cannot help them Lord, please stop us from harming them. Please hold our tongues in pause before we cut those we love the most. Please God remind us that we are all the same. Not one of us will be whole until each of us is whole…please let us understand this. Our brothers and our sisters, different from us and yet so very much the same..please let us recognize ourselves in one another. There are no beings less than any other beings. There are people. There are sentient beings. We are all the same. Please remove the slurs and the labels and the judgement from our lips. God please remind us that we’ve two ears and two hands…two eyes and but one mouth. Let us shut our mouths if we’ve nothing nice to say. Let our silence be our gift. Let our words always be kind. Let us love. As we learn who we have been, Rumi, guide us to forgive. Ourselves and those who’ve harmed us…let us show your grace and mercy…let us feel your grace and mercy. Let us know that God is in us…that we are God…that God is us. Let us no longer be separate. Let us love. Father forgive us where we have fallen short. Lift us up. As we come into a new year, we ask with all of our hearts, that you teach us how to love. Open us to your messages. Protect us from the harm that knows know bounds as we stand up in silent solidarity for and with one another. Teach us to stand in silence and in peace, until our voices are warranted. When our voices are warranted, God let us remember to ask if it passes through all three gates; Is it true?Is it necessary? Is it kind? If it does not pass through these gates, let us keep our lips closed until it is. Let us stand up for ourselves and for one another. We learned it wrong and we ask you to help us right it. We misunderstood and we ask you to forgive us. We ask you to bring forth the leaders who are here to love us home. And so it is. Amen.

Thank you for praying with me. Have a beautiful day and please be safe. I love you. Don’t drink and drive. Hey…better yet, don’t drink at all. Be present. Be sober. Be real. Five years later and thankful as hell, I highly recommend setting that bottle down completely my friends.

Please bow your heads in prayer with me for our homeless community this cold and treacherous morning…

Good morning everyone. I humbly ask each of you to spend some time in prayer with me this morning for our homeless community, for all beings less fortunate than we are, that they may feel our love. I wrote a prayer at the end of my blog and I ask you, if you’re so inclined, to pray aloud with me, with all of your love and positive intention, for those who need our prayers.

Happy snowy morning everyone! We are under blizzard watch until 6:00am tomorrow. We have been shoveling since 5:00am and have the animals paths dug out on one side of the property. Tamara is feeding now. I’m taking a quick break to blog and then we will continue shoveling. We have a couple of feet of snow and it’s been snowing constantly. The snow blanket it beautiful. I have fond memories of snow days when we were kids. As I sit here in the studio now, I am thinking of my little brother and how we used to play and play and play. Shawn was my very best friend and we lived in our own little world. We had such love for one another. I realize that we still do have that love for one another. I am so fucking thankful for this that I cannot even find the words. I love you Shawn! We could build quite a snow family in our yard!!! We used to scrape enough snow together for a small snow child…this is fucking epic!

I want to thank each of you who has reached for me during these very difficult holidays and the three year anniversary of my Moms passing. The struggle has been off the fucking charts for me since October. Actually, let’s be honest…the struggle has taken me the fuck out for almost three years now. I am ready to live my life. I am ready to laugh and sing and dance. I am ready to embrace those who embrace me back and to move away from those who do not. I am ready to write. I am ready to learn to play guitar…a lifelong dream of mine…bucket list for me. I am ready to celebrate five years of sobriety next week. I am ready to fall in love with my girl all over again. I am ready for new relationships with each of the animals here, especially our dogs, as I learn that I do not need to control them. They do just fine without my micromanagement. They have their own dreams and desires and wants and I’m ready to step back and let them be themselves. I am ready to be financially comfortable and secure. I am ready for long hikes with Tamara, snow shoeing and inner tubing…laughing until it hurts and then laughing some more with that beautiful girl. I am ready to wake up from the slumber that has kept me. I am ready to accept what I cannot change. I am ready to not take things personally…to not take you or anyone else personally. I am ready to be of service in any and all ways that I am able. I am love. I am ready to share my love. And so it is.

Wherever you are today, be safe. Slow down and take your time. Enjoy the beauty around you. Give thanks for the wonder and beauty that you are.

I ask everyone to stop what they are doing and to share a moment of solidarity with me, for the beings on this planet who have no food, no water and no shelter this morning. Please, with me, let us send them all of our love, by saying with me;

“God in Heaven, looking down, next to my mom and so many of our moms, please grace us with the angel of Fatima, that she may spread herself like a blanket, over those who need her warmth. God please shine down and grace those suffering and less fortunate, those freezing and without homes…without showers and running water…without food and without the love they deserve this morning. We close our eyes and we pretend they do not exist and God, we are sorry. We look away. We fail these beings, all of them, every single day, in so many ways. God, please right us in our hearts. Please help us to understand and to teach that we are all the same. We were each created equal and then we changed the fucking rules. We are ashamed of ourselves for ever believing that we were more than or better than anyone. We are not in action God. We are sorry only in our words. Please move us to action. Please inspire us to love everyone. Please teach us peace, so that we may know it in our hearts. God, for every single person, the thousands in my city, and for everyone displaced elsewhere God, I ask that you raise up their cries so that we cannot not hear them. We were born into white privilege and we are ignorant enough to think we are not. We have what we have largely based upon the soil we were born on. We are not better than anyone else. Please remove the illusion that we are any more in any way than any other living being. God, many of us don’t believe in you at all, and we just want to throw that out there. Please find your way anyway, to soften our hearts to love. Every homeless person, and there are so, so many…God please touch them that they may feel you and not give up. We aren’t moving quickly enough and so many of our brothers and sisters are suffering and dying before we can reach them. God, please place those of us in action, in places where we can be of more help. Please guide us to more resources. For this moment though, for each suffering and broken and tormented soul who has not known our love, please God, guide us to them, that we may love them. Please break us down so that we may humbly build from the bottom with them, a foundation as solid as the one we were gifted. God, please hear our cries. God, please soften our hearts. God please help us to help our brothers and sisters. And so it is.”

Have a beautiful day everyone. Thank you for praying with me this morning. I love you. Please allow everyone, everywhere to feel my love this morning.

Done and fucking done and it feels so good!

Good morning everyone. I will be really honest with you this morning. I am not in a good space. My heart hurts. I am sick of fucking waking up like this. I am tired. My reality is what it is and my experience of it right now fucking sucks for me. That is who I write about…me. My experiences  and how I feel. I am not only hurting a lot, I am mending a lifetime of fucking abuse and delusion. Delusions of fucking grandeur and so it’s taking me a bit for it to all sink in.

I will begin by saying that I love my Dad and my little Brother more than you can possibly fucking imagine. I love my mom so much that I have spent three years in literal hell since her passing. My love for my family, the three of them, is unfucking matched. Probably fair to say that it’s been unhealthy, co-dependent and strained at times, with all three of them. My Mother is dead. My father is re-married and I am happy for him and for Cheryll. I won’t claim to know Cheryll, as we have only just met. Cheryll has been wonderful to me and kind to me during my body and my life falling apart. Cheryll is sorting through Sherry with my dad and she seems to make my Dad happy. Anyone who will sit with someone and help someone to sort through a lifetime of someone else’s things…anyone who will hold another through that is good in my book. I love Cheryll and I believe that Cheryll loves me. So, just to clear any misunderstanding up that may exist, I am not at war with my Dad. I do not dislike and never have disliked Cheryll. I love my little brother. I love my mom. I wasn’t not at my dads wedding because he was marrying someone other than my mom. I’m not sure where that load of horseshit came from…possibly and probably even, out of my fathers own mouth. Maybe that is how my dad heard it. Here is the truth, just to set things straight (and I never fucking do that);

My mom and dad and I journeyed very closely together for most of my adult life. The three of us just got along and enjoyed going to Vegas and happy hour and lunch and dinner. My mom made me choose between she and my Dad and my relationships with women, as they were not welcome (they, my lovers, partners, girlfriends) in our home. When they were, I had to promise that we were just friends. I choose my parents a lot more than I care to admit, over amazing women in my life simply because it didn’t feel like a choice at all. The choice had been made and unless I was willing to lie, they were not welcome. I honestly never did not choose my Mom, not until Tamara. I won’t lie, that was a bit strained too. My mom was often very unkind to me, and Tamara wasn’t silent about it like everyone before her. My mom respected Tamara for it and was only able to leave this world because Tamara had me. So, don’t hear me wrong…I love my mom. I always have and I always will. The woman was not kind to me. She was down right fucking mean to me and many of you know that because you witnessed it too. I do not love her any less but god damnit it hurts to love someone who hurt me so fucking deeply. It is hard to re-live Groundhog Day every fucking day. It fucking destroyed me and it still does, how that woman treated me and he contempt she often had for me. Do I love her just the same? You bet your sweet fucking ass that I do and I always will. My life though and my experience of my life…my life has always fucking hurt me.

So, with that being said, no one ever defended me. No one. Not my Dad. Not my little brother. Not my extended family. Not me, a lot of the time. When I did, it never ended well although it did end my mom talking to me at all, for days on end. I do not say this to dishonor my mom or my dad or my little brother or my family. I say this because it is my experience of my life, and my life has hurt me a lot. My blog is so fucking edited about my own life and I’m pretty done doing that. I still keep silent as to not say something bad or inappropriate about people. My truth may  hurt people and that is not my intent. In fact, let me just say now that I’ve no intent to hurt anyone or to dishonor my mom or my dad or my brother. I will however, not be silent. There could not be a person anywhere that has loved the three of them more than me. My mom knew that. My dad knows that. Shawn once knew that. I don’t know what Shawn knows about that anymore. As far as I know, They don’t read my blog, except my mom, who helps me to have the courage to write it, especially blogs like this where I speak MY truth even as my voice is fucking shaking. My dad and I and Cheryll and I and Shawn and I and JiSan and I are good, as far as I know. We are family by name and not in action, at least not the same action that “family” has always been in my life.

Since my mom died, so did Thanksgiving and Christmas. No one in our family called me up and invited me over for Thanksgiving dinner. No one. Nor Christmas. My Birthday was a big deal to my mom and without her, my Birthday has become void and painful. So, my family, dysfunctional as it may have been, that I have known and never really been a part of, for my entire fucking life is gone, with very few exceptions. Those exceptions are priceless and you know who you are and you are now my chosen family. Those of you who are family by blood or marriage, who have my same last name or don’t who have always loved me, I know who you are and you know who you are too, and I fucking love you. The rest of you, who call yourself family, who use that as some sort of fucking hold on me and do and have never done anything to love me like a verb or nurture me, here is a newsflash…you are not my family. Three years my mom has been gone and we’ve not celebrated a holiday since. You’ve not called me or reached out to me or loved me once…Sherry’s precious little daughter, since she fucking died. So, don’t bother. Truly, I am living with it and have been my whole life. Now you can live without it. I am done being “family” and not being family at all. I expect to see my “friends” list drop some more and I invite you to leave if you’ve never really been here at all anyway. I do not need the hurt of being where I am not wanted…where I do not belong and where I am not accepted. No hard feelings. No need to keep on keeping on at something that never was anyway.

I will write my story. You can read it or not. This is my blog, for me, for us all. I do not have any intention of harming anyone ever with what I write. I will not be silent anymore though. I will not pretend anymore. I will not attend funerals anymore of people who have been dead to me my whole life. I wish you all well. I really, really do. I also bid you farewell so that I may be Coral and not who all of you tried to shame me into being. Same thing with my “friends”…truly. If we aren’t, then we aren’t. If we are, then let’s be. This facade is killing my fucking soul and so I cut it loose and take this mask of.

My blog is my blog and my Facebook wall is my wall. I write and I post what I fucking want to post. If you don’t like it, don’t fucking look at it. Don’t come on my wall and fucking ridicule me for who and what I like. Fuck off man, truly…just fuck off. Have I ever come on to your page, ever, and spewed my shit?

Lady Gaga isn’t a fucking vegan! Distasteful and raw and uncouth. Meat suits and furs and no I’m not impressed. None of my fucking business to call the woman names because she isn’t me and doesn’t live as I do or see what I see. Lady Gaga is an amazing actress and an amazing song writer and musician and preformer. For all that she is not, there is much that she is. For all of you with your filthy words and judgement of her on my page, check yourself. Is your favorite musician vegan? Is your favorite actress vegan? Do you listen to the music of people who are not in alignment with your values? Do you drive a car? Do you have a laptop or a cell phone? If you answered  “yes” to any of these questions, then you’re not so vegan yourself. Live and let live. Go sweep your own side of the street and kind your own fucking business and stop trolling pages to start fucking controversy. Just shut the fuck up and go work in you. Lady Gaga doesn’t give a fuck what you think anyway. The woman is a human being, being human, just like you and me. Unlike many of us, she is doing something. Be the fucking change and stop trying to change others.

Am I upset? You bet your ass I’m upset. To live in a family, in a world with such potential, who refuses to embrace and love me for who I am…I am fucking devastated. I have been devastated for my whole fucking life by people who do not love me one fucking fraction of how much I love them. Love me like you fucking mean it, like a verb, or please step away from me and let me find my tribe. If you are not my tribe, please step aside, stand down…move over…get the fuck out of the way, because I’ve big work to do. Making me small did not make you big and it did not make me small either. You have no idea what greatness I am, what greatness I have always fucking been.

This is the last moment that I associate myself with anyone who does not treat me like someone. Your hatefulness and emptiness and bitterness…your blame and your unaccountability…your abusiveness and dismissiveness…your lies and your inadequacy in the face of your own mirror…you deal with yours and I’ll deal with mine. And so it is.

As always, I write to heal myself and I take what I need and leave the rest, as I encourage you to do the same.

My closing prayer;

Thank you for the lessons as they become obvious blessings. Thank you for my Dad and please help me to release my expectations of the past of him, that we may find our new path forward together in love and light…in honesty and truth…as Daddy’s girl for always. Please continue to guide my love and my path with Cheryll. Please always keep my little brother safe and content. Please bless JiSan and let her feel my love. Please help me to be discerning when assembling my tribe. Please let me be forgiving as all things not for my highest good fall away from me. Please allow me only the option of being kind as I release my need to be right. Please bless everyone in loving abundance for their place on my journey. Please show me the way and lead me out of the darkness and into the light. As those who no longer belong here fall away and leave my space, please protect my heart, and give me comfort in knowing that it is time. Please give them comfort and protect their hearts also. Please remind me that it is the quality and not the quantity of the people and the things in my life that matter. Please use me as an instrument to do your work and speak your word, even when and especially when my voice shakes. May I always, in always be in abundant and heartfelt gratitude. As abundance unfolds around me and the past falls away from me, I step forward for my assignment. I come forth and I thank you for bringing me to this place. Please always protect Tamara and our tribe, our animals and the land and beings we guardian for you. Please keep the Sanctuary in sanctity and peace at all times and protect those who enter and reside here, that it always, in all ways be protected as sacred land and treated as such. And so it is, in your name. Amen.

Sermon on the Mt….

Happy Sunday everyone! I am so glad you are here. I have been preparing for something very important and today is the day. Our community is in desperate need of some unconditional love and acceptance, and I intend to open the door for that today.

I have lived up here for almost 5 years and for the entire time I’ve been here, it has been my thought that someone should do something about the hostility up here. I have gone to well share meetings armed. I have stood between blows being thrown. I have had the most horrible words launched at me and ricocheted off of me. I woke up on Tuesday to Tamara calling me in hysterics as she hung up the phone…a dog was hit by a car at our neighbors house.

Here we are five days later.  Aria didn’t make it. The tensions are high. The anger is deep. The resentments and the blame run rampant and this girl has had enough. So, this morning, I will be the change I wish to see in the world. I have called a gathering this morning for our community. I had no idea what to call it, as this is not a meeting. It’s Not really a speech or a lecture…not a presentation…feels more like a sermon really. In fact, in my calendar, I labeled this morning’s gathering, Sermon on the Mt. Sermon, when removed from religious context, is a lengthy or tedious speech delivered with great passion, by any person to an uninterested audience. Yes, I believe this will be a sermon on the mountain.

Call to Prayer. Always, my first priority in delivering a sermon.

Dear God,

We come to you humble this morning our Father. We are desperately in need of your unconditional love and guidance up here on this mountain. We are at each other’s throats, literally. We are armed with angry words, blames and accusations. We have hate and resentment in our hearts Father and we do not rest. We are angry. We are hurt. We are sad. Our hearts are heavy and our emotions run high. We spew the ugliest words and we are relentless in our witchhunt. We are in pursuit of the one who is to blame. We are close to killing each other over water. Water is life and we are ready to kill for it. God, I ask you to come down and touch each of us, that we may open our hearts to receive your message this morning. Please open our hearts wide and keep our mouths closed, as we receive your word. Please fill us with love and forgiveness this morning and remove the blame that lingers like stench in the air. We are all just walking each other home and I pray that you guide us, direct us, keep us and save us. Let these hearts open and these angry mouths close, so that we may come together as a community, as a neighborhood, as a cooperative well share, as family and as friends. When we leave this circle this morning God, We leave new. We walk away healing and open to the beauty and growth and opportunity to learn and grow each other. We turn our faces to the sun and we thank you for your light. We fill ourselves with your love and we bestow that love, in abundance, on one another. Please forgive us for our anger and for our hate. Please take from us our swords. Open our hearts and our minds to the meditation being offered this morning that we may awaken a peaceful and loving place to begin our new journey hand in hand and heart to heart. And so it is. Amen.

Now I would like to call a truce, in loving memory of Aria, the family dog of the Martinez family, who lost her life on Tuesday morning on Whispering Pines Road. This gathering is in honor of Aria. Aria lost her life and we will not allow that to be in vain. Aria reminds us that we are all just walking each other home.

My proposal is for a community prayer circle, in which I will be the circle keeper, for today’s gathering. I will introduce Aria’s stick, a talking stick, for our circle. In this circle, at all times, only the person with the stick in their hands speaks. Everyone listens intently. The stick is passed fairly, so that everyone has a turn to speak. If you don’t have the stick, you don’t speak. When you have the stick, you speak truthfully and from your heart center. The stick is our peace keeper. We will implement Arias stick in our community in a valiant effort to always keep the peace.

I will speak from my heart.

Closing prayer to close our time together and to give thanks.

So…that is my morning. Out in the glorious church of the wilderness, with Good Orderly Direction (GOD) Thank you for that Tamara. Let us all go do some healing, shall we? Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Here I come Juan Tomas valley!!!! I love you!

With my sincerest thanks and appreciation to Tamara and Jennifer for all of your help to get this gathering together. It’s time to make this movement move!