Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Be someone else’s angel…

Good morning! Welcome home! I hope you like the new paint! I lightened it up a bit in here. That shall be the first of many things we will do together in this room. Welcome back!

I am good! I am really, really good! I had a session with my pain management specialist yesterday afternoon, and he sent angels. I took angels and healing stones with me, gifted by my dear sister Eileen. I was greeted by angels and touched by angels! My physical pain is being healed in a way that lets me know I am purging all of what does not serve me, through whatever means necessary, most recently my body, to prepare for the journey before me.

I have been debilitated for as long as I can remember by pain in my left lower back, knotting up in my hip and gluteus muscles. Yesterday, with loving and diligent hands, with all of the love and prayers of the universe and with the love and prayers of all of you, a portal opened and my physical healing has begun! I worked vigorously and gently, intentioned and steadfast in that face cradle to heal myself…to allow the hands laid upon me to heal me…to let go of the bricks that weighed me down that were not mine to carry. We worked as a team with the angles to open a portal to release this pain and I am so, so thankful!

This shift in consciousness and this ability to see the light obscured in the darkness is my salvation and I thank God and my brother Rumi for walking and working me through this. We do not ever walk alone, for there are always angels among us. Be someone’s angel. Love someone so much that you want for them, more,the very thing that your heart desires for yourself. Want it more for the person whom you are having the most difficulty with. Truly, that peace and love and affection that you’re craving, want that for the person you cannot stand to look at right now, more than you want it for you, and watch your life open up! Watch your heart open up. Feel your own healing begin.

Damn! It is great to be back! I have sure missed me! I am sure glad to see each of you too, because I sure have missed you too, in my own absence.

I challenge each of us to be someone’s angel today. We are divinity, you and I. We are God, in human form, here to walk one another home. God obscures himself in each of us to watch and see who we will become. God sees how we will treat one another, and the true nature of our heart, by manifesting himself as us and allowing our free will. How are you going to treat the God that is you? The God that is before you? How will you show the God within you today? Let us all get out there and get loving and swooping into angel wings, shall we? We have much work to do; you and I.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Cleansing our healing room!

Good morning everyone! I have turned a corner. As I round this corner, I find that I am invited into more introspection and reflection and more self care and awareness. I accept this invitation, as it allows me to take in more and to learn more. I look forward to reading more, to painting more and to just being more. I look forward to speaking less.

This journey has had its moments of difficulty and despair. Moments of hopelessness and brokenness. Sadness and blame have been a constant companion on my path. I had to endure what I had to endure, to be here with you now, and I regret not one single moment. Not one. With that being said, I need to leave my wake behind me.

I learn every day how little I know and I’m okay with that finally, as it gives me so much to learn! My quest for love and to be love is mostly with myself. I am learning to love myself. I have invited you to intimately share this journey with me, and I am so glad that you are here! I am a work in progress and the struggle is real for me, as it is for each of you. It has been messy at times and painful to watch, of that I’ve no doubt.

I have made public, what many people can’t acknowledge in private and that has been a hard pill for many of us to swallow. I have used words and spoken in language that is shocking and offensive and often even foul, to purge from me that which no longer serves me. I have come here to get it all out, to heal, to learn and to grow, and I have. There has been blame and venom and rage in my writing, as I write from my soul. I believe those things have served us, and helped us all to purge ourselves. I believe the time has come to be sent on their way, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. Spewed our all over, it is time for them to go.

I am in a bit of clean up mode right now. The room is a bit musty and needs a good airing out. The stench of the past lingers a bit and so I open all the windows and air her out. I light some sage and cleanse every nook and cranny. All that has been held here is free to go. I am free to go. I leave here in peace. I leave here in gratitude. I leave here in love.

As I walk out into the sunshine of a brand new day, I thank God and each of you for holding space for me here.

When we meet in this space again, it shall be in a place of possibility and purpose! We shall get this room aired out and cleansed of all of our demons and our wakes. We shall allow ourselves to leave all that no longer serves us, here this morning, that it may be cleansed and cleared away, for once and for all.

We survived the storm. We walked through the fire. It is time to rest now, for we are the good things coming!

Presented with a choice to go or stay…we stay in body, absent the passion that is our spirit. We have been dead inside. We have been asleep. We have been in the dark. We made it! We survived!

Welcome home everyone! Today, I call each of us to do a bit of house keeping in the healing room. If it serves you and makes your heart happy, take it with you. If it doesn’t, leave it here. We begin anew tomorrow.

This room will be cleansed and blessed and purged completely out before we meet again. We survived and now we clear space to begin our journey into us!

I can’t wait to see you tomorrow in our new space. Take what you need and leave the rest! I love you!

Closing thoughts from today…we rise!

Good evening everyone! Epic things on the horizon for me….for you…for us! I know this room has been dark and dreary and hard to come into for a while now. Moving forward, this room shall be light and bright and inspiring! Always real and always raw. We are on our way out of the darkness. We survived. We fucking made it! We get to celebrate us now…to step up and out and to find us. This room is our room and we are so blessed to heal here, aren’t we? We are rising up!!!

I came here to count some blessings this evening and you are amongst them. Thank you for walking through this storm with me. We are on our way up now! We are through the worst of it. We made it!

I have a lot to be thankful for and this evening, I am just going to do that…be thankful.

For the most amazing and beautiful and true and steadfast partner and my best friend and my lover and my wife…I am thankful more than words can express. I love you Tamara. Thank you for helping me out of my darkness, even as it began to consume you too. I love you. Thank you.

I had a very powerful and amazing session with my sister Eileen this morning. Her words, similar to so many of your words, penetrated and then I felt the release, the knowing and the understanding of what had already been said to me, by Tamara and by many of you. My Mom and Dads purpose was to bring me in to this world and they did that. Beyond that, I was gifted. I am blessed and my time is now. I cannot both hold on and let go. I cannot be there and here. I cannot be steered by the wake of the past that I have finally left behind.

Shawn and I and JiSan and Tamara are building our little family the way it feels right for us and I am elated..to have family that chooses us. I am so, so happy to have my little brother back!

Somehow, having heard and said the words enough, I believe what I have come to know, I know nothing at all. I need know anything at all. All I need to do is to let go. All I need to do is be. All I have is this moment. And so off I go, to be in this moment.

I love you. I’m better than back. I am being birthed anew and I am so thankful. Good night and did I say that I love you?

Scattered all over this morning…

To be spun wildly by the inertia that is me, has me in a bit of panic and uncertainty as of late. Wiped out completely by waves of my unresolved thoughts and emotions. Knowing that when my mind finally stops that my body will follow, and yet being unable to calm my mind enough to experience the stillness. The taunting and teasing ceases as the carrot once dangling in front of me ceases to exist. There is nothing. Nothing anymore except the void of the space left in between, all of the people and places that mattered so much to me. Crashing and slamming and pounding and racing and ripping is this pain in my heart, attempting to ricochet it’s way out of the prison that holds us. The world keeps fading to black and I scurry towards the crack of light. My heart shatters and I scramble to gather her pieces in my arms. A scurvy elephant all of my life ( Thank you for that reference Wayne Dyer)…I break off to find my tribe.

The darkness consumes me and I claw and gnarl and tear to break free of her grip. My darkness is your darkness and your darkness mine. We are the only way out. When I am in my darkness, I reach for you. In your darkness, reach for me. We will break free…you and I. We will break free to see a sliver of darkness in the light. We will run and awaken her darkness to her beauty and bring her to our light. As long as I must, I shall stay here, enduring what remains of my darkness, while focusing ahead on the light. I am the light. You are the light. As surely as I am learning this, I am telling you…you are the light! I don’t know exactly how to begin with me. I am learning. I am failing a lot. I am getting back up a lot, and I am weary.

Depression hurts. Have you ever seen that commercial? The dog pans in and he is as depressed as his person? Depression hurts. Ask Baby Taos. Ask Rocky or Aliah or Prajna or Nahko Bear or Mala Bear. Depression hurts. Ask Tamara. How it must feel to be wanting only to get in. And how lonely it does feel to want nothing more than to get out. Open the door from the inside Coral…remember? I remember, and I cannot forget, and so depression has made the knob slippery and my hand loses her grasp. With my hand around the knob…too slippery to open the door, I am reminded that depression hurts. My hand is around the knob to the door that is my salvation…the door that sets me free, like a noose that hasn’t tightened to its limit yet. Depression hurts.

You know I just thought of something a little odd and probably blatantly obvious. I grew up listening to virtually nothing but country music. I see people struggling with video game addiction with their kids, and how it impacts them. The violence and the sexual assaults become normalized and kids mimic what they constantly engage with. My music auto-shuffled yesterday and country music was shuffled in with Nahko and Lady Gaga. As some of the songs played, I realize that some of all of this dysfunction that I am in right now must have something to do with being patterned in formative years by by music like that. I am not blaming Merle Haggard or Johnny Cash. I’m certainly not saying that Patsy Cline put the glock in my mouth in my 30s. I’m simply pondering the idea that listening over and over and over again to the woes of the alcoholic, as they normalize the exploitation and sexualization and demoralization of women might fuck a formative child up a bit in their thoughts and feelings. Constant drunken and disorderly conduct being repeatedly normalized must have had something to do with my having normalized those things in my own life. Johnny Cash and “Sunday Morning Coming Down” was my fucking life! I ate Merle Haggards “Rainbow Stew” for breakfast. I’m sure that Charley Pride and his song about when he stops leaving he’ll be gone, has nothing to do with my running from every good woman that came before me. I sat next to George Strait in “The Chair” and I listened to song after song after song about adultery and infidelity. I could go on for weeks…and please don’t get me wrong. These are some of my favorite songs. I’m just fucking sayin, as a kid, with her ear pressed to the speaker, it probably mattered what I was listening to. My opinion is that it does matter. I love county music and I probably always will. Those are my memories and my road trippin songs with a family long gone from me. Listening to those songs now is helping me to to put my own puzzle together, I wonder how significant it is that those were the messages I heard from the moment I was conceived. Again, I believe it matters. What messages do we want our kids to hear? We must be mindful what we play in front of them. I was the worst step-parent ever, as I had absolutely no concept of this what so ever. I thought it my duty to pass it on, in case it suits it serves you. As always, take what you need and leave the rest. We get what we get when we get it, as Tamara always reminds me.

I want my life narrated by my friend Wayne Dyer. I love Morgan Freeman. I just really feel Wayne is the one to narrate my life. He has been doing it in my head for years! Just throwing that out there. Anyway, Rough night last night, and a scattered blog this morning. Rough night last night, and so I write to heal us all.

Thank you for being here this morning. I really am glad you’re here! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

Love letters from my Mom…

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday. After horrible nightmares all night long, I woke in a pain that just won’t quit. And so what do I do? This morning I wrote a letter. This letter hurt me more than any other I’ve ever written. I write love letters to the people I most need to reach, when I have lost my way to reach them anymore. When my words are no longer adequate, I take my heart out of my chest and I squeeze her into my ink, and we dive in together and we write. Some of you, few of you, have received such letters from me. I’m sure you knew not then, that I wrote with the ink of my very own hearts pen. These letters are pieces of my soul that I pull out to spread across a page, to help you to see me, when you’ve no longer your eyes upon me. As I went through some of my mothers things, there were many of these pieces of my soul in her possessions. I knew when I saw my writing, that even thorough the distance, my mother knew I spilled the blood of my own heart and soul to reach her. When I could not reach her any other way, I wrote to her love letters. When she could not reach me any other way, she read them. When my Mom could not reach me any other way, she wrote me love letters. When I could not reach my mom any other way, I read them. I read my Moms love letters still, when I feel that I cannot reach her.

Today, I offer a love letter, through this distance and this silence, to my Dad. My Dad checks his mail every day, even on Sundays 😘, so I know he will get the message that I prepared with all of the love I could muster in my heart, in the mail this week. My dearest father, my first love letter.

I cannot find the exact quote or the author, so if anyone can, please send it to me…I paraphrase below one of my favorite quotes of all time:

When words are no longer adequate, when our feelings are greater than we are able to express in a usual manner; people turn to art. Some people turn to the canvas and some people dance and some people paint. Some prefer music. We all go beyond our normal means of communicating, to express ourselves. And this is a common human experience for all beings on this planet.

This quote, given to me by my art teacher in ninth grade reminds me a love such as this that I have for my father, and so I write.

Thank you my sister for your texts last night which prompted this writing this morning. I love you.

I hope each of you have a beautiful Sunday. I love you. Thank you for being here.

I love you Dad.

I found the remedy for my pain!

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I had a rough night, full of nightmares and dreams of vomiting and running and vomiting repeatedly. The tears started as soon as I opened my eyes and I said hell to the fucking no! I am not letting this pain hijack me again today! I jumped into action this morning, with my new remedy for this pain. I know I have to change the way I am looking at things and so when I feel like this, I have committed to being of service in some way, to take me out of me. I will not be controlled by my fear and my pain, at least not today! I know the remedy for my pain is to be of service, to love and help others…to be love…to hug and smile and laugh and to share myself with you!

I came down to the studio to blog and to meditate. Somehow, I needed to do more. I received and email from Propeller yesterday and I finally opened it this morning, inviting me to volunteer on Andrew McMahons tour. Andrew founded the Dear Jack foundation to help young adults diagnosed with cancer. I disregarded it a few times and something kept pulling me back. I listened and I opened it and I applied to volunteer at his event in Aspen Colorado on March 10, 2018, for his Upside Down Flowers Tour. I always find myself wanting to do things like this and I rarely make the time. We make time for what is important. Loving and being of service and healing…those are all top priority for me right now. I am going to make the time, even though I could give myself a dozen excuses not to. I am important. You are important. Being of service to one another is why we are here. We must truly look at what is important to us and at what drives and heals and propels us, and we must take action.

My Mom died unexpectedly and very quickly of cancer, on December 3, 2015. I have not been okay since. My life literally went offline to a large degree, and has been such since. Countless hours at the cemetery and billions upon billions of tears. So, so much loss. So, so much unrecognized and unhealed pain. I have shaved my head for many, many years for people with cancer. My mom insisted that I not shave for her and I honored her wishes and did not shave while she was living. After my Mom passed away, I shaved my head for her and for so many of you with cancer,and I had “FUCK CANCER” tattooed across the back of my head. Presently I am shaving for 5 people in my life with cancer, and for everyone battling cancer. I shave every couple of days and I shave in silence, solidarity, prayer and reflection. I will never not shave my head, to give Sampson’s strength to those of you fighting this battle. Please know how much I love you and that I am with you always, loving you and cheering you on. When your time comes, I will be with you still, to carry you home. I will always be with you.

The past two weeks hit me even harder than my moms cancer hit me and I have not been okay at all. I have known not what to do. I have been a constant companion of Wayne Dyer and Nahko and SOJA and Rumi. I have been in silence and in prayer, wailing on my knees and inconsolable. Yesterday, with all of my might and with everything in me, I promised me to pull me out of this before it destroys me. I know I came here to love and to teach love, to be of service and inspiration. And so it is.

This morning I made the same choice again. One minute at a time for me right now, with one foot in front of the other, I cross the threshold into me…I am here to find me! I hope you will come along. I’m so glad you are still here. I fucking love you! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for how you all love me. Have a beautiful day everyone! Go out today and be an instrument of thy peace. Be someone’s reason to smile. Be that hug that you give away because you know you need one too.

Thank you Tamara for this morning’s talk. I love you.

Good morning everyone. I am in a rough place and have been for the last week. The tears won’t stop and the pain in my heart has been intolerable. My body revolted and I’ve been to see my chiropractor twice to put me back together this week. I woke crying again this morning and I just fucking can’t. I cannot be debilitated any longer by the words and actions of others. I cannot be in all of this pain any longer. For this pain, in actuality, is my own pain and these transgressions are mine.

My experience of my pain…mine. My heart breaking…that’s mine too. I had expectations and so I am disappointed. I had the highest of hopes, also in actuality, expectations, and I am so sad that my hopes will not be coming true. I stand corrected. This pain that I carry, this hurt and this anger and this resentment…it’s all mine. Projected onto the masses…my pain and my misconceptions…my experience of my life, riddled with expectations. We always called them hopes. We called a lot of things a lot of things that took us completely away from what they really were. So today, I claim that which is mine. This space that I am in and this way that I am feeling…this is mine. The anger and the rage and all of the hurt and disappointment…mine. The misunderstanding…mine also. I have set it all down, as to not carry that which is not mine. I can clearly see that inadvertently, I put some of my shit in your pile. I go to my knees before you and I retrieve it now. I know better. I’ll do better.

Tamara is my everything. My sounding board and my confidant…my lover, my soulmate and my best friend. This morning, she shared a truth that turns out to be a missing piece for me, in my healing. This past week has hurt me worse than any other ever. Four and a half decades came crashing down around me and I knew not what to do.

What I did was I reacted. I returned, with venom and ill intent, the attack upon me. I raged and boiled over. In reaction to truth withheld, I came literally unhinged. I was shaking and seething and livid and crushed into bits. I was destroyed and so I became destructive, in both my words and in my actions. I got up to walk away because I knew in my heart, what I would do if I stayed. I have never really known how to take the liberty of walking away when someone calls me back. I have been held captive by myself for the last 165 hours…taunted and tortured and plagued by my own thoughts. I have known not what to do.

Clarity came this morning in our living room, as Tamara and I talked and as I cried. This pain that just won’t quit…this pain is so very many things right now. Loss and disappointment…disgust and sorrow…resentment and shock…and most of all, regret. I really do not have regrets, so this hurts me a lot. I regret, not who I’ve been, as a result of things completely beyond my control…I regret who I’ve been without even knowing it, an angry and entitled person…a person without my own words and thoughts…a person whose actions have been out of alignment with my very own soul. And so without further ado…I stand corrected in the light of a new day, for being out of alignment with my own soul. I learn. I grow. I ebb and I flow. It matters not where I came from. It matters how I allow myself to heal, to admit my faults and shortcomings…ask forgiveness for my transgressions and for your transgressions also. So this morning, I am sorry for the anger and hate that I have harbored for a lifetime. I am here to set that down. Every single moment has brought me to right here. Right here is where I begin again. Right now is where I begin to honor my own heart and my own soul and my own knowing of what is right and what is wrong. If it does not feel right to me, I will not share space. And so it is. Thank you Tamara for talking me down this morning so that I can go out and offer myself and my gifts to the world. I love you to the moon and back. I love you to infinity and beyond.

To each of you, have a beautiful day! I love you!

Today, I rise from the ashes. And so it is.

Midnight stroked and I awoke shortly thereafter. I arose and actually forgot that I was too lay it all down as the clock struck the twelve o’clock hour. Nothing felt different. Nothing really felt the same. Nothing felt at all. I returned from restless slumber, into slumber. When I woke this morning, the tears in my eyes and the lump in my throat were subtle. The raging pain in my heart was but a murmur under my girls beautiful smile. The pain that has engulfed and debilitated me since Saturday, still present and now underlying, to our dreams coming true. The pain that rages through my body is at full throttle and it’s okay. This pain is on its way out and I am thankful. It raged to get in and it’s going to rage going out and I am at peace with my pain at last, and I am so, so thankful. The sickness in my stomach and the nausea have lifted with my prayers and I sit content in knowing that all is as it should be. In constant prayer and meditation since Saturday…the silence collided, breaking the speed of sound. Pointed and shrill words strung together in hurt and anger and blame, launched from my lips like missiles have landed, as I truly have nothing left to say. The inability to understand at all that left me catatonic between sobs for days has left me silent in prayer now and I am blessed. The flames that engulfed me and chased after me and hunted me down left behind their charred red and raging embers and I screamed to walk those coals. As I rise from the ashes, I shake the remaining heat from me and I return the dust to the floor. I bow to my knees in gratitude, for I have risen Lord! And so it is. Thank you.

I know the healing room has been dark lately. Thank you for being here anyway. This morning I bring a candle to reignite us all. I ask you to stand with me in silence, in solidarity, in mourning…in prayer…in love and light…as we pass our light amongst us. We must get her burning bright to take her out into the world, to light us all. No one will be left out who comes to the light. And so it shall be, for it is written.

My name is Coral and this morning I come to you anew. I stand before you naked and transparent, without secrets, without shadows chasing me. I’ve nothing left to hide. There may things I’ve left unspoken…things I forget or deem insignificant…Any question what so ever, directed at me will be answered with the truth.

My brother Rumi came to me this morning, as he does every morning. Rumi’s message this morning is this “I surge on the uprising wave of love”. I too surge on the uprising wave of love! You too, surge on the uprising wave of love! Let us be not afraid…fear not…and let us be here now.

Know that nothing is promised ever. Truly, know this. Do not be discouraged by it and know it with all of your heart…you came in to this world alone and you will go out of this world alone and the rest is just fucking details. Make your Dash count. Make sure it’s your fucking Dash…you know the space on your headstone between your birthdate and your death date…make your Dash YOUR Dash. And as for me…no headstone please, no body in the ground…no sad service…light me up and set me free and spread me at my home, our Sanctuary, the place where I learned to love and to be loved without pain. Spread me with my beautiful lover and with all of my best friends. Be sad if you must for a moment or two, until you remember that I am but a word away, merely gone from your sight. From this moment until that time comes, I will begin to live MY Dash. We know not what we know not until we come to know it. For all I’ve come to know, I am so thankful. My choices will be different now and I am empowered. My inner circle will be as big as the love that supports it and we will branch out and bring everyone in. Does everyone have your candle lit? Beautiful! Look at all of that light! And just look at all of the beautiful faces behind the light…we are beautiful! Do you know that? We really are beautiful. We are mighty. We are bold. We are love. And we have come to bring you home. My challenge and my prayer today is that you take your light and share it today. Share your light a lot today. As Martin Luther King reminds us, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness, only light can do that.” And so it is. Let’s go light it up!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. I really do love you. Thank you for being here with me.

I will rise from these ashes.

I lingered and then lingered some more, as I knew that when I left, I would not pass this way again. All of the memories and horrors…all of the expectation and disappointment and disgust…all of this fucking pain. I stood in all of that pain. As the pain kept raining down, I stopped seeking refuge and shelter. I just stopped. I decided instead, to let the rain and the tears wash me away. Wash me all away. I have never really done much more than existed, and that was a chore at times. Standing here though…being here and repeatedly trying to leave here…all while trying to find a way to stay here. Something broke in me. I let it break. Literally being shredded and mocked and taunted with tones and rigid jaw lines and then being rendered lifeless by the contempt. There’s no fight for this. There are no words for this. There is no reprieve from this. This has never been okay. I have never been safe. I have been thrown away and I grieve as though I am the one who left. I would never have left. I know I am not the leaver… I am the left behind…a pattern I’ve learned and repeated so, so many times before. I won’t act like this is okay. I forgive. I cannot forget. I love. We are the best thing that ever came of all of this. We stand alone. I stayed and I held space. This pain though…I have never known pain like this before. Foreign and so familiar is the pain that finally hit me hard enough for me to go down. We closed out a couple of lifetimes standing there. There was no budge and I cannot bend anymore without fracturing myself beyond repair. I regress. This morning though…first thing when I opened my eyes… the tears continue to fall. No dam can hold the flood of tears on their way down. No force can stop the flood and there is no comfort to be found. I haven’t spoken much of this, as I don’t even begin to know how to find the words. These words, somehow jumbled and coded, edited into “I” statements. These words are so void of all of the pain inside. These words are the best that I can stammer out, in an effort to relieve the tension that holding them has caused.

This is about me. This is about me and how I feel about what has been done. I have the power to make decisions best for me. I am not powerless. Making someone else wrong will never make any of us right. Lies are an attempt to hide a truths that don’t align with us. I have been invisible and I have been hurt repeatedly and on purpose. Over and over, and over again, I’ve not been seen at all. And I…I am barely breathing and moments away from ceasing to exist anymore at all. I am dying and I have been blatantly denied life support. I am drowning and the flood gates have been opened anyway. I am broken as the cord that held my world snaps and crashes down on top of me. I am struggling in the rubble and I extend my hand. I see the shadow pass before me and the hands shoved in the pockets of the dark image passing by. I am but a lowly beggar and my basket is nearly empty. My heart nearly broken. My face tear stained and aged and lined. I stand alone and so I am going now too. Another thing and the worst of things is that I would fix this if I could. I cannot. I cannot fix this. I did not break this. Unaccountability and anger and greed and rage and entitlement and contempt that can no longer be disguised or hidden behind other words seeps out and drains my soul. The mask has fallen off and the truth, scribbled across the shadows of a face I used to know. I can. I won’t. The rhetoric in my head, that I repeat on accident…unsettling. A broken little girl in a woman’s body. Sam and Coral and Coral and Sam, tumbling about, being tossed and turned out…A golden boy falling from grace that never befell him. And she in her casket. We have fallen apart. We have fallen from grace. We have lost more than we ever could have imagined. And my soul shrieks in the most agonizing pain of this lifetime. The bloodstains and the tears…the flashbacks and the right nows…the horrors and the lifelessness…the lovelessness…and I must go on.

For each painful thing that befalls me, and oh how it has befallen me, that I cannot turn seem to turn positive and to the light, I offer three positives and I give thanks. And I am on my way to that, in the midst of all of this.

In the loss of all I’ve truly ever known, I have gained the opportunity to be myself. And I give thanks.

I have done enough here and so I must go, as I’ve much good work to do our there. It rips my heart into bits to be begrudged the little bit of happy I have found and to feel the venom seeping out. Our house was full of strangers and friends…friends who who aren’t even friends back…and we watched from the outside of the glass. We had our little faces pressed against the glass, peering through the window at the Christmas of someone else in a home that we used to call our own. And we cry…God do we fucking cry. And I must go on. Without the knowing of how, I will go on.

Brand new, I return to the rooms of AA. Beginning again, from my lowest point in four and a half decades, I crack the cover of my big book for the first time. I begin again. I die this death to be born anew. I die this death to begin my life as me, for I will not dwell here any longer.

For the gifts and the lessons and for the endless and abundant blessings, I am so thankful. I truly am. I know how blessed I am. I write to heal myself. I write to get all of this out. I write to try to sort myself, my life…this. I intend to harm no one. And, I will not be silent. I have carried the sins of many. I have endured the beatings of nations. Today, on this day, I decide. Tomorrow and the next day and all of the days after that, I decide. From now on and for always, I decide. My decisions will be in my own best interest and in my own highest good…in the highest good of everyone, for we are all the same.

I am in the throes of something that I must go deep within to resolve and sort out. I have pulled myself out of circulation today and will not be available, as I repair my heart and lick my wounds. As I prepare my inner warrior for spiritual battle, I must prepare a place and I must ready myself for the letting go that is taking place, to prepare for all of the good things coming. These embers are still hot and cooling down, and as I patiently wait for them to become ashes, I prepare myself to rise up. I will rise from these ashes. And so it is.

As always, I send all that does not serve us, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I love you. Have a beautiful Sunday!

Let’s light it up!

Good morning everyone and happy Saturday! Thank you to everyone who began following my blog yesterday. I feel much better pulling it from Facebook, as I am a little overwhelmed by all of the negativity and hate as of late. I was starting to absorb all of that shit and I was becoming reactive and intolerant myself. I apologize for that and I think pulling myself out of it a bit will help. I am so glad you are here! I really am. We try to find some solace here, don’t we? Some peace and some love…somewhere to belong and someplace we can all come anytime we like. This healing room is ours and we can be ourselves here. Thank you for being here with me this morning! I love you!

When I am facing my most difficult challenges, my most personal challenges…I tend not to write about them right away. I am in such a situation right now. I ask for your love and your prayers that I may hold my tongue and make sure that when I do speak that my words pass all three gates. Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?

And so I pray…please pray with me if you are so inclined:

Dear God and brother Rumi, this morning I pray for peace and surrender in my heart for that which has come to be and for all that will come to be. I pray that I may hold loving space and that I honor the highest good of everyone involved, including myself. I pray for peace. I pray for acceptance enough to let go of expectations. I pray for peace. I pray that I may be love and be loved. I release my need to be right. As Tamara says, being right makes someone you love wrong. Please shower me with your grace and mercy that I may just be. Lord hear my prayer. And so it is. Amen.

Thank you. I am trying not to try so hard to sort it all out. The struggle is real though and I am in my fucking head a lot more than I wish to be. Always in my head. Always in my past and in my future and wanting to be right here, right now. I know the spinning starts in my head and not in my heart. PTSD is just my mind fucking with me over and over and over again. The severity of the attack is like the volume control button and sometimes, I blow my fucking speakers, before I can begin to dial it down. The spinning is nauseating…truly sickening and I cannot steady myself. The double-headed serpent is a mother fucking bitch to walk around with. Clashing and thrashing and gnashing and clawing in fight or flight, until complete exhaustion drops me to my knees again. And so I begin to pray again. The struggle is real.

Let’s talk about you though, shall we? How are you? I know that many of you are struggling too. The darkness is heavy around us, isn’t it? We are in uncharted territory and in unsure times. We are running scared and spinning out, aren’t we? We all have PTSD of our own, in my opinion. The severity ranges and The diagnoses vary. The causes are a sea of many horrors that we have trouble treading water in, no matter who we are. We all go somewhere and can’t find our way back sometimes. We all shut out that which we cannot hear or see or know, until we make a choice to see and to hear and to know something different. We are not locked out my friends. We are locked inside. The door opens only from the inside. We are held captive in our own prisons, at our own hands, and we have the fucking key. Only we have the key to truly get ourselves out. Only we, when we are ready, will be able to free us from the bondage of our pasts. I have heard this and I have known this to be true. This morning though, I am going to open that fucking door and get the fuck up out of here! Prison break! Do you want to join me? We could devise a plan…”the best laid plans of mice and men”…nah. We could….how about we just fucking do it? Who is with me? Let’s just grab hold of that knob and let us open the doors that imprison us. You will notice that the knob does not even have a keyhole in many cases. In other cases, you will see that the key in your hand fits right into the keyhole, that unlocks your door. We are held captive by ourselves…by our own minds. We must change the way we look at things and the things we look at will begin to change. Just ask Dr. Wayne Dyer. God rest his beautiful soul! Hi Wayne! I love you!

The door opens only ever form the inside. This news is not news at all. It is old news and we already know it. We have always known it and yet we have never known it at all. Today, let us learn, for the first time, that we are in control of nothing, that our doors are not locked and that we are not defeated. In this darkness that overtakes us, we are the light. Put your hand on your heart and feel it beating. You are the light. We must stop searching for light and love and healing outside of ourselves. We are the light. We are love. We are capable of much of our own healing. We must open the door and we must cross the threshold into the unknown, so that we will know the light. Light that we haven’t found in our darkness is on the other side of the door that holds us captive in the dark. We have become accustomed to the illusion of safety in the dark. We are where the light enters us. We are the light. We hold the key. Isn’t this wonderful news! We are the light!

Many of us, myself included, have lost our way. Many of us have been stuck and paralyzed by the horrors of our past. This morning, with my hand on the knob, and my heart throbbing out of my chest in anticipation, open the door from the inside. Thank you Rumi for the inspiration and words for this post. My brother you lit me up! Thank you. I carry the torch and I’m coming around for you. If your torch needs some help to reignite your flame, just place it outstretched before you and I will be by to light you up!

A hug from a year ago…a smile from yesterday…love from my girl this morning…setting down my expectations…feeling myself softening…opening…growing, ebbing and flowing…loving you so fucking much…this is my good morning. This is our good morning. We don’t need to make a list, we just need to fucking do it. So torches out everyone, let’s go ignite our world with love and light and peace this morning! Be the change. Be the love. That’s where I’m off to this morning! Will you join me? Let’s light it up, shall we?

The darkness in our lives will persist until we accept that we are the light. As long as we wait for someone else to do it, it will never get done. We are here to love each other home. Let’s get loving!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!