Happy Thursday morning everyone! It is still too dark outside to go see Brixen, but I am anxiously waiting, like Christmas morning, to go open his door and give him a big welcome Home hug!
We are so blessed to do what we do! Some days in all of the hustle and all of the effort to keep going, I don’t take time to look around me and truly realize the beauty, that is my life.
Tamara and I are so blessed to have found each other to build this dream together. Through the joys and the tears…we hold each other up pretty well. Days like yesterday remind us of why we do what we do and give us fuel for the journey.
Days like yesterday remind me that we really are just walking each other home. Brixen’s Dad did not want to have to give up his friend…he did not WANT to do that.
This man was burdened with another mans problems. This man tried to honor another mans commitment. The love outweighed the burden and the burden became a blessing. When you change the way you look at things…the things you look at change.
I was deeply pained yesterday by a photo that someone whom I respect a great deal, posted on Facebook. This photo was an unbecoming photo of the backside of an overweight person. The picture itself almost dropped me, from the pain in my heart, upon seeing it. The comments below it made me physically nauseous. People mocking and taunting and making up stories, about a woman they don’t even know, because she had the audacity to go out in public, fat and badly dressed.
Writing about it is hurting me all over again…so I keep writing…I wonder who we think we are when we laugh at other people’s expense. We can do what we want…post what we want…say what we want…but why? Why do we want to post something that could hurt someone else? I don’t get it. Wait…yes, I do get it…because I have been that person.
One day, in the very distant past, while driving with my with my girlfriend and her two kids, I pulled up behind someone that I took similar photos of, because I could. The man in front of me was very overweight and he was driving a moped. The tears are welling up and I am ashamed to relay this story…and so I keep writing…
I made comments and engaged with my girlfriend and her kids, at this mans expense, as I posted the picture to social media. I am so, so, so sorry that I did that. I took it down within moments, as the horrible comments started hitting.
I apologized to my girlfriend and her kids and to everyone on my post. I apologized to that man, wherever he may be. I was sickened by my behavior and I didn’t feel right for a really long time.
What the fuck was wrong with me? Why would I do this? Who the fuck was I? I did this because I could…I did this because I was all fucked up inside…in active addiction and miserable in my career and my relationship…so I used someone else to vent my pain…I let that poor man be the outlet for the ugly inside me. A lifetime of being bullied and pushed and taunted and hurt…in that moment, it was all just too much for me to carry, and so like a coward, I let this man take my hit.
Did I mention that at the time, I was about 180 pounds myself? I am 5’2” and currently weigh about 110 pounds, a bit below my “ideal” weight, by whomevers standards. I was very overweight and uncomfortable in my own body and in my own skin…literally and physically uncomfortable. I was fucking unhappy and I was an asshole, because I could be? No, my friends, I was a hurt people, hurting people.
I want to take a moment of silence myself to apologize to that man again, for spewing my pain all over him…for violating him by photographing him without his knowledge or his permission. I want to release these tears that I’ve held since that day, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I also want to say thank you to the person who posted this photo and reminded me of who I do no want to be, because sometimes I forget. Sometimes I slip.
Yesterday, I was reminded that we never know what battles someone else may be fighting. We don’t know the battles or the struggles of the woman in that photograph and we don’t know the pain or the struggles of the man behind the camera. We don’t need to know, because maybe it’s not ours to know.
I do encourage you, for you, to know though…who you are, on the other side of that camera. Who are you taking photographs of? What are the captions you are writing? What message are you sending? More importantly, is that the message you wish to be sending? Just because you can…is this who you really are?
I am going to challenge each of you to remember a time where you took a picture like this. I know…this is really uncomfortable, isn’t it? Please, try to stay with me…hard stuff is often the best stuff to medicate and heal ourselves. Take a big dose of yourself right now…a heaping dose of something you have done, because you could, that hurt someone that you don’t know. Words you said…remarks you made…laughter and jokes at someone else’s expense…pictures you took..for any reason, that would have hurt the subject of your unkindness…the subject of my unkindness…remember them now…sit with thise feelings for a moment or two…try to stay with me. I’m sitting in it right next to you, and it’s okay. We are learning and growing and healing together…I love you just the same and it’s going to be okay. Just breathe with me, like you breathed for Aiden…
Now, I want you to remember a time where you were the person being photographed. I know…I am asking a lot this morning…Remember the feeling in your gut when you were standing in line at the store and you heard someone talking about you and snickering to someone else. Feel the way you felt when you heard the camera click from behind you, and you just knew that you were the literal butt of someone’s jokes and mockery.
Or what about that morning that you felt really good about yourself…the morning you wore your favorite pants and your new shirt…the same morning you were listening to your favorite music and getting ready for your day…the great fucking day you promised yourself, until you stepped out of your car and someone spewed their shit all over you. “Nice pants…are you expecting a fucking flood?…hehe hehe, snicker, snicker…”
And tell the truth now…you hate those fucking pants, don’t you? Your favorite pants this morning just became your worst enemy, the reason for this attack on your person, didn’t they? Hurt people hurt people.
You, my friend, are a hurt people. I am a hurt people. Hurt people, hurt people.
Now, to clear the energy that doesn’t serve us, repeat after me. I ask all beings that I have ever harmed, knowingly or unknowingly…intentionally or unintentionally…with malice or with total disregard, to stand before me as I open my heart to you, in humble and heartfelt gratitude for your love and forgiveness. I am sorry for not knowing what I didn’t know before I knew it and I will do better moving forward because I know better. And so it is.
We are all just walking each other home. We have all made mistakes and we have all been wrong, and hey, that’s okay. I love you just the same. Let’s all try to be mindful of the photographs we take…and let’s exercise some respect and decorum for those journeying right next to us, shall we? A picture is worth a thousand words, isn’t it?
Have a beautiful day everyone! I am off to go see Brixen!