Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

In all of this darkness…You are the light…

I am restless and not able to fall back asleep, so I thought I would get up and write.

So strange…when I just wrote that I realized that it is 2:05 am and in my earlier days, I would just be getting started…bars closing, after parties beginning…restless? Hardly…tired? Not even close…and invincible? You bet your sweet ass…Always ready for another ice cold beer and a cigarette…

How life changes and evolves and waves and bounces…ebbs and flows…ever changing and evolving. How beautiful that out of such immense and intense darkness, we are the light.

Doesn’t there feel to be a dark shroud over us all lately? As children kill children and adults rape our children…as husbands beat and rape their wives and as wives step out on their husbands…as those same wives beat their husbands and abandon their own children…doesn’t it all just feel a bit heavy? A little overwhelming? Doesn’t it just break your heart?

I know that it certainly breaks my heart, numerous times an hour, to feel the hurt and dysfunction that surrounds us all. We are overwhelmed and desensitized and we seem to like it that way. We walk through our lives half asleep and anesthetized, inundated with bullshit programs that we have all been running, unconsciously for generations, upon generations, upon generations.

How many times a day do you do something because you are supposed to do it? How much of what you do, is because you should do it? I started being mindful of this in my life and holy shit…I am replacing all of the things I “should” do and everything that I am “supposed” to do with things I want to do…and if you haven’t tried this practice, I highly recommend it…

We walk around uncomfortable and unaware and pretty fucking unconscious…some of us more than others. We do not even realize that we are the light.

I wrote about “aspiring” in one of my blogs and how you might want to try dropping the word aspiring from in front of whatever word you put it in front of…do any of you remember that? Did anyone actually go and drop this word, literally or figuratively in your own life? If you did, how did that feel? Let us never aspire to be who we already are…and let us never search for light outside of ourselves, because we are the light. You are the light. I am the light.

I think there may be some confusion on this, so here is my take on it:

No matter who you are, what you have done or not done…no matter where you are at right this moment and no matter who you have been prior to this moment, you are the light.

I can look in your eyes and I can see your light. I’m fact, please hold…I am going to do that right now. I am going to visualize you, right now, and I am going to take a moment to honor your light, to look as deeply as I can, into your eyes, and sit with your light.

Kind of twitchy at first…your candlelight…flickering and barely dancing…faint and off in the distance…subdued by the darkness around it, and yet brilliant, from where I am standing…

My light is drawn to your light and so I allow my light to do what will set it on fire…without any intervention, without exercising desire or control, I join my light to merge any slight separation, and we dance…slowly and clumsily at first, tripping and slipping…up and down and back and forth…bowing and leaping…in and out…and then, as our lights come closer, they intensify…not only in color, also in rhythm and synchronicity…in vibration and we fucking collide…

I look around and I start to see hundreds of other tiny flickers…faint and distant, at first, and then breaking out into this dance…all moving in an unspoken synchronized rhythm, and now, I begin to hear the honor beats, faint and way off in the distance…(loud beats during the songs, sometimes called “honor beats” are a time for dancers to honor the Drum)…

Can you feel all of this?! This is you! You are the light! Your heartbeat…the drum…WE ARE THE LIGHT!!!

We, you and I…we are the light. We must stop searching for the light outside of ourselves. We must stop the pursuit of something outside of us and ignite what we carry within us. YOU ARE THE LIGHT!

So, with that happy Saturday everyone! Go shine that light! In the realization that you are the light, go ignite someone else’s light…this is how we do it! With our flame, with our candlelight…we light up the entire world!

We are all just walking each other home, lighting each other up and if we are going to set the world on fire, why don’t we do it with the most beautiful, warm and inviting fire…the fire that invites us all home…I mean, aren’t those the best fires of all?

I am fondly thinking of John Denver and Solstice at our home…I am thinking of the fire I kept going for my Mom the whole time she was in hospice…how I have always been the fire tender in our home growing up…

I see you. I see your sparkle, through the barely flickering flame. More importantly, I feel you. I always feel you.

Do you feel that? Or maybe you hear it? However you do it…the honor beat is getting louder, getting closer…in your chest…in that mirror…YOU ARE THE LIGHT!

Welcome home!

 

 

Has anyone seen my candlelight?

I have been trying to fall back asleep, to no avail, so I thought I would write.

This blog is an amazing place for me to come every day. I find that I am excited to honor my commitment to myself. Sometimes, when I begin writing, words escape me and then they flow freely, once I start writing.

Today I find myself stuck in thought about how It feels to have someone in your life, for your whole life, and then one day, everything changes, and they are gone.

Maybe they died and and they are gone physically from their body or maybe they are still in their body, and gone from you. Maybe they are in their body and sitting right in front of you, and still, they are gone…

For me, right now, I am experiencing all of these things and the confusion and overwhelm and hurt of it all has gone from intense to pretty fucking numb….very uncomfortable and unsettling…and so familiar…and my candle light feels very dim…

Coming home to a completely empty house…all of my things and her things gone…been there, done that…more than once. Strange how it hurt…I mean, it leveled me at the time and here I am still living and talking about it.

I came home to nothing and the whole house echoed and I cried…and my Mom came to rescue me and she cried too. We just sat there, in that emptiness, and cried.

My wife decided that she just didn’t want to do “this” anymore and so she didn’t. As it turned out, she was pregnant and I found out on Facebook, days after she left. She definitely was doing someone, I mean something, other than “this”…

Clearly, she was not carrying my child, and so her leaving and being impregnated by someone else…it was a bit much to handle…and we have never spoken, since the day she left…not one word…after sharing our lives and our dreams…just gone…never to return, with everything we both owned in the back of her U-Haul…

I will say that my life spiraled pretty well out of control after this little incident and I was in an alcohol induced coma for the longest time. I could not handle that pain. Alcohol barely numbed the pain at all, and so I upped my game, trying to stop the pain…to no avail…and my flame went out…

Sadly, she was not the only one, that I thought I was in a monogamous relationship with…who ended up pregnant…and the pain of that, every single time, just fucking mind blowing…and it fucked me up pretty good, every single time…and here I am, surviving and shit…

Pain like that though…that will fuck you up! I surely fucked me up, for a really long time…

I was going to celebrate my Moms retirement from a job she fucking despised on Friday evening, with her. Thursday night we got the call that my Mom was in an ambulance, headed to the ER, with stroke symptoms. My Mom died two months later from Stage four breast cancer, with metastasis to her liver, her lungs and her brain…and I have been crying ever since then…and I lost my candlelight again…

So, not to focus on the loss, just to acknowledge the place that I find myself in this morning…an all too familiar place, where I must go and be invisible, where I must go and not be myself…where I must be edited, dress up, show up and pretend to be okay…so that you can be happy…so that you can check this little visit off of your list…for you, no matter what it is doing to me…

My whole life has been a series of these visits…where I am expected to show up and be presentable, edit my language and put on a good show…

My presence, my physical presence is requested, and yet, not really…if possible, let’s try to do something with that too…please, look presentable…comb your hair, cover those tattoos and piercings…

Just show up, and don’t be you…You are not really needed at this time, other than to make an appearance and to put on a good show…please don’t say fuck…because that word offends her…and just watch your mouth, could you please?

As I write, I wonder, how did I end up here? I mean really, how did I end up accommodating every one else’s needs and expectations of me, for an entire lifetime, while smothering the very life out of myself…all the while snuffing out my own flame?

Has anyone seen my candlelight?

My light burns bright when its burning…this morning though, I need some help to get that flame ignited again, as my candle is barely flickering…

I need a few moments, covered up warm and safe here in the dark…to muster up the courage that I am going to need, to face this day…

I take a deep breath and humbly ask the universe to have mercy upon me today…for God to carry me…and my highest self to show up…

As I place a fortress around my heart, to keep the hurt at bay…I realize that I am braver than I think I am, stronger than I give myself credit for and I’ve got this…with my girl by my side…and my heart locked down for safety, I’ve got this…7CFF929B-F788-482C-85A7-50219B808531