Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

What my CPTDS is to me…Why the doggie in the room?

Good morning everyone! Lucky day for us all to learn something, as I’m in a PTSD spin and can’t get out. For me…for Tamara..for you…for the unknowing passerby…I am going to attempt to blog from this space this morning to help you to understand me and those with this diagnosis.

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This is a hard fucking write and I imagine it will be a hard read also. Take what you need and leave the rest. I love you. Have a beautiful day!

The C is for complex. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Agent Orange. Vietnam. Desert Storm. 911. All PTSD. Multiple tours in Iraq…EMS and Fire responders…Sexual abuse and incest survivors. You. Me. We have been so egregiously harmed. We have so egregiously harmed. The complex in my PTSD diagnosis is because of the repetitive and unrelenting nature…the family dynamics…I am a triple diagnosed C-PTSD incest survivor.  Did not ever get a break from the abuse, like coming home from a war. I had to stay at war to survive. I still have not come out of fight or flight. I am still at mother fucking war. Every PTSD attack is like the same fucking war. Rest and digest…ya…never…not even now…because the war is in full on battle. Choosing to leave this battleground does not come without its costs. This war waged upon me at one time is now a fucking battle that is only in my mind and only with myself. You witness this in my attacks. The dog in the room and it’s over for me. Why? You don’t want to know. You ask and you won’t be able not to know. You ask again. And again. Why are you as you are with your dogs? Why do you want them near you and push them away when they come to you? Why don’t you love them the way I love my dogs? Why? Why would you surrender Nicholas? Why do you even have dogs? Why is your service dog, Taos, not with you? Why? Why do you put your dogs in crates? Why are you as you are with your dogs Coral?

I am as I am with my dogs, the dearest creatures to my very soul and existence, because as long as I can remember, I have been taught to treat animals as less than human beings. Dogs have no place inside our house. They are animals and we are people. People live inside and animals live outside. Dogs are a nuisance and they are nasty and they don’t belong. I was younger and I didn’t know then what I have come to know. I was one of them. I was in belief of the things I witnessed and was taught. Some of those beliefs hang on tighter than others as I struggle to shake them away. I was forced to intoxicate dogs. I was then forced to jump on the trampoline with them, intoxicated myself. I remember the vodka or gin I was made to pour in the water bowl. I remember my soul dying and tears welling up in my throat. Threatened with my own life if I cried or showed emotion, I began to laugh loudly, to cover and muffle the tears in my throat so that they not dare show through my eyes. “Make sure he drinks it all. You drink yours and I’ll get you another. Put that soccer ball away. You aren’t good enough to make the team anyway, and wouldn’t you rather be doing this than practicing all of the time anyway? If you were good enough, like the girl you love so fucking much, you wouldn’t have to practice all the fucking time, would you? Now get that dog and get your ass on that trampoline. Now. Coral. NOW, and I don’t want to see you crying like a baby. God damnit. Do I have to put him up there? Jump! Coral. Fucking jump. You start jumping or I’m coming up there. Do you hear me?” And the world went black and I jumped. And she yelled and I jumped. My soul died and surrendered and I jumped some more. I jumped and I jumped. I saw his face hit the springs. I saw him struggle and his eyes beg me to stop. I heard his cries as they echoed the cries of being my very soul, as I finally collapsed and fell to the springs myself. I don’t remember his name. He may have been a her. I don’t think he made it because I do not ever remember seeing him again. My soul shrieks now, recounting and sharing this with you. I could lose all of my clients over this. I can never tell.

Why do I freak out at the dog in the room you ask? I go somewhere else. I see and hear and think and feel and know another time and another place. Distant and yet so close, and all at the same time. Out of body. Only my soul with that dog in the room…the dog that I do not even deserve to look at for one fucking minute. Why Coral would you put your dogs in crates? I can either put them in there or me in there to keep us all sane while I try to dodge the land mines of my past, to reach the other side, safely for us all. “Coral, why don’t you love Taos? Baby Taos is the best dog ever.” First of all…Baby Taos is the best dog ever and I love Baby Taos with my very soul. You see, Baby Taos is Sam. Sam got treated how Momma Coral sometimes treats Baby Taos…with contempt and erupting anger for seemingly no reason at all. Baby Taos is Baby Coral and so sometimes we can’t be together as much as we would like to. You may not get it and that is okay because Baby Taos does get it and she loves me just the Sam.

A long time ago and just moments ago, the doggie in the kennel in the corner of the room didn’t trigger me at all and I was so happy to go and bring her out to be with me. The kisses she bestows on me and the tears she licks away. With her or without her, she is with me every day. My soul screams for her and my spirit will not rest. Not until I try my hardest and can say that I have truly done my best. Because I’ve no idea what the corner brings and no idea how I may react, we sometimes keep our dogs in kennels, to keep us all intact. Tamara didn’t come from here and she’s the one who asks the most…when will you be better so we can all become close? You’ve no idea how I pray for it or to what lengths I will go. You see the little doggie on the trampoline, she took me with her soul. I cry for her and I miss him and I cannot even recall a name. A boy or a girl I cannot remember, my soul knows him the same. He was white with a black spot or two…maybe his name was Jack? I will never know for sure, but I cannot give him his life back. So the doggie in the kennel and Taos deprived of momma Coral kisses…prayers for every second and any love that she misses. For Taos is momma Coral in a different time and space. Sometimes when I get lost, I only see another doggies face. A doggie I sent to Heaven long before his time. I was forced to choose his life or me and I chose mine. I do not have regrets as it got me here to tell you this. But God damnit I would give my life if I could only give him one more kiss. The doggie in the kennel and Coral in a little heap upon the floor. I will fight this battle I am fighting until it’s not a battle anymore. For the love of baby Taos and any feelings I have hurt. For Aliah and Rocky and Momma Tamara…all I can say is I hope I am worth…all the trouble I have caused and the hell that I am in. With your love I’m coming out and I beg you not to push me back in. So the doggies in the kennels that you may not understand is the hope for my beginning and my means to an end. To end a war that I have been fighting for every moment of my life…please God if it’s your will, may I sometime have my life? A life not built on torture and trauma of the worst kind. A life abundant and content…a life that I can call mine. With baby Taos and baby Prajna in tow at all times, with Rocky and Aliah and the bears following behind. I see Ali aging and I’ve wanted so much time. You’ve no idea how that kills me and how hard that I try.

Anyway…I am headed to clients, if I still have any after this. Either they will call and book me for an extra appointment because I am only able to do my work so well because of all of this…or I am about to get fired Apprentice style. Either way, I speak my truth to heal us all, as we hold hands and walk each other home. I love you. Have a beautiful day as we take what we need from this and send the rest back to the universe for the greater good of us all. And so it is.

“Every Little Thing is Gonna be Alright…”

Good evening everyone! I am glad you are here. I am going to do a medical update from my two doctors appointments this morning. After this update, to honor my private journey,  which is so personal in nature to me and so tied to my childhood abuse,  I am going to turn a bit inward and deal with what I must deal with privately, in terms of my journey henceforth medically for a while.

My first appointment this morning was with my surgeon, who did my hysterectomy. There was much healing and movement forward and I am grateful. I was able to speak and be heard and I was able to hear and better understand some things that were fuzzy to me. Tamara came with me and that helped me so much. This appointment gave me hope where I had lost mine. I am going to have to have hormone replacement therapy and I am going to have to have pelvic floor injections. I am happy to report that the HRT she prescribed did not harm any animals and is synthetic and plant based. Much of my reluctance to take HRT was because of Premarin. I would not take something to help me, that caused so much pain to another being. The first set of pelvic injections will be done in office, under anesthesia. I feel blessed to have been able to sit down and speak, even though I cried and my voice shook. Many tears and hard conversation and I feel ready to forge ahead to my healing. My surgeon is quite sure that the naval pain and the pelvic pain are one in the same and will improve with these treatments. I felt the love and humanity in her that I felt on the first day I met her and my heart healed a lot. I needed my faith restored and I got that. I needed help to feel better and we are working on that.

PTSD is no joke. I look back on this experience and I see how I have been debilitated by my own PTSD…imprisioned and silenced…trapped and locked in my own fear and unable to move forward. I see the child so horrifically abused that the adult cannot enter. I see the shut down from feeling unseen, unheard and invisible. I see the words that cannot find their way out of the mouthes of babes. In this experience, my Mom has died hundreds more times, my Dad abandoned me and the world would be a better place without me in it. In PTSD, enduced by severe and unmanaged pain and conversations I didn’t know how to have, my Mom, just within my reach and snatched away, over and over and over again. The opiates and the narcotics…the puking and the shitting and the weight loss…the pain…the endless, sleepless nights drowning in my own sweat and tears…the depression that started making itself right at home…the freezing and the chattering of my teeth…could it be as simple as my having no hormone supplement post hysterectomy and the pelvic pain I went in with? I am going to go with that, yes please. I am going to begin to end this here, yes please. I am going to be well, yes please.

My second appointment was with my PCP, for whom I am also so grateful. Everything she could try, she has tried. We cried together too, as we sat there looking at each other in a calm moment after this storm. Orders for exploratory surgery have been canceled. Medications stopped and so much gratitude, so, so much gratitude.

I mostly want to say thank you and I love you to every single person carrying me through and walking beside me in this storm. To my surgeon…thank you. I love you. I’m sorry. Please Forgive me. To my PCP and her staff, I fucking love you ladies, so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Truly, nothing but love and gratitude for the faith that is in my heart tonight that I am finally going to be okay.

To each of you, for all the love and all the of the prayers, always, thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. Truly, I’m sure you had better Things to read about and yet, you came here anyway, thank you for that. I love you. To all of my prayer warriors, Michele and Sigrid and my chosen family, Ohana my Dad and Cheryll, JiSan and Shawn, My clients and all of my friends, who turn out to be a lot of the very same people…I am in humble gratitude of your love tonight. Thank you. I pray that we have found the answers we need to begin the healing!

To Tamara, my rock and my lifeboat in this storm that hit my little world in October of 2015 and hasn’t stopped rocking me since, thank you for never giving up on me, even when I did and for holding space when I couldn’t. I love you more than I can even begin to tell you and I thank you, with all of my heart for how you love me, like a verb. I am blessed beyond measure to be sharing this crazy life with you. I believe in the good things coming and I thank you for believing enough for the both of us when I couldn’t. To the moon and back and to infinity and beyond…with all of my heart and all that I am, I love you my girl.

And with that, I am exhausted and ready for some nighty night. Saying a prayer and sending love and all of my thanks to each of you tonight. I love you. Goodnight.😴

I have a few a slots open for new clients…please let me know how I can help you!

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Good morning everyone! I am pulling this from last nights post on my business page. I am looking for a few more clients, as a few slots have opened up in the last few months. I would love to talk to you about how I may be able to help you, so please hit me up if you think we are a good fit to work together. I and my work are evolving and I am really excited to invite you on this journey with me! My slots are limited and will likely fill quickly, so please give me a call and let’s see what we can do together!

I just wanted to stop in and say thank you and that I appreciate you so much! I really do. This webpage is a work in progress and I am learning, slowly, how to work on it myself. I am redefining my business and deciding what direction to take my work. I am looking to take on a few more clients, in a limited number of weekly slots. Maybe you are my next client? I would really love to hear how I can help you!

Many if you may remember Aiden, and Aiden says to tell you all hello and thank you for helping him to get back home to his family! Aiden is doing great and sends you all his love!

I love the work that I have done for the past several years! Being an LMT is an amazing gift! Using that gift to facilitate healing in those who need it most is priceless to me. Animal Commuication work is my greatest God-given gift, as I just have a knowing and an acceptance of that knowing. I have recently developed the confidence I need, as an Animal Communicator, to share my gifts, without worrying so much about what people may or may not think of me and what I have to offer. If you need me and I can help, We can set up an appointment. If I can’t help you, I will say so, and try to find you someone who can help. You may as well call me and ask, right?

My passion is in my energy work and in my ability to connect with those who others cannot hear or reach. My work is evolving daily, as I speak their messages and honor them in my willingness to share their messages. I am driven by the desire to be of service and I know I have a gift that many need and do not possess themselves. That is why I am here, to help you!

As an Animal Reiki Master, I have been practicing for many years, the art of trusting my instincts and intuition, to such a degree that I do not question anymore, my sacred and cherished gifts.

I became an Ordained Minister, to officiate my Mom’s funeral if need be. Thank God, I didn’t need to use my gifts that day, from the pulpit. I was able to honor my Mom, as her daughter and I was beyond grateful when someone else answered that call to officiate.

I have been in customer service, to some degree, my whole life. I love interacting with people and talking to people, and getting to really know and feel and love pepole. I also love my solitude and my space and my quiet, in the times in between, so that I can hear and meditate and pray and absorb as much musical medicine as possible.

All of these are tools in my tool box and I want to continue to master my crafts. I also want to add something more, something needed and valued and me. Like me, more than I am right now…

I came here this evening, to ask you all of there is something that you need from me, something you see in me or something you get from me, that you think will make me better? I want to be better. Actually, I want to be the best, at what I do. I need you to tell me how I can help you? I just thought I would put it out there, for those of you who need something you’ve not found. Maybe I can help somehow? Feel free to contact me and we can discuss what I can do for you. Are you having issues with your animals and you cannot hear them? I can help. Do you need end of life/quality of life care for your animal? That is my specialty. Do you need some loving care to help you to help your companion? Please reach out if you need someone who can help you to hear and honor the needs of those who cannot tell you themselves. I also work on a case by case basis on animals with special needs and vet referrals.

Have a wonderful day and thank you for taking the time to read my post this morning! Much love and good vibes headed your way! I look forward to hearing from you! Love, love, love…

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Rocky and Pranja and how they bring me home…

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Happy Monday everyone! Pranja and I just settled in to write. My time with her has opened doors in me that I thought were forever shut. Her spirit gives my soul a jumpstart. Her resilience inspires me. Her pain…I release all that I can and help her to carry the rest until it subsides.

These day’s with Pranja remind me of those days with Rocky. Seeing an innocent life so hurt and hanging in the balance and the spirit soars through it all, with sleepy eyes and groggy everything…with shattered hearts and body parts missing…and the soul still in tact. These minutes, these seconds with Pranja, the breath to breath with Rocky as they amputated his leg. Praying for poop and finding new ways to hydrate…one piece of kibble at a time and only out of my hand…and lots of sleepy, sleepy…

Groogy eyes staring up scanning for my eyes…with a calling and a yearning…a plea that I will promise to always be right here. Barely able to keep the lids up, the soul shining through and begging for forever. Pranja with her one eye, desperately scanning and wondering why everything looks and feels different…with the same yearning and need for my commitment of forever as Rocky…the same soul barely shining through. Battered and bruised, held together by sutures…and needing to know with everything in them…can I count on you? If you’ll be here when I wake up, then I will fight all of the demons to find may way back to you…I will come back, if you will just want me. I just want you to want me forever, no matter what, and I will come back to you.

I want you Rocky. Look around me and see how many people want you. Look how many eyes and hearts are on you. They are going to take your leg and your other leg is in bad shape. You’ve lost part of your ear and you’re a hot mess, and I love you just the same. I’m going to wrap myself around you the whole time. I will never leave your side and I will place my heart against yours to beat for you when yours tries to give up. I will hold you through surgery and be your life support. I will carry you when you cannot walk on your own and I will be your breath when yours lapses during anesthesia. When we see the white light, I will let you make the choice that best fulfills your Dharma. I will carry you to the Rainbow Bridge if that is your next stop and I will carry you back with me if you are meant to come back. Either way, now that we share hearts, I will never leave you. Our hearts will always beat together and I will always be the breath that you can’t take on your own. You are mine and I am yours; no matter which walk we take today.

I was Rocky’s therapist and I was called for consult on an amputation for Rocky. My recommendation was to have the leg taken, and the joint taken, yesterday, as he was suffering. Rocky’s veterinarian and I agreed and Rocky was scheduled for surgery to amputate his leg. From the moment I met Rocky, I was all in…just like I was all in when I got the call about Aiden. I ate, drank, slept and all things were Rocky…I never left his side. Long story short, Rocky’s foster situation didn’t work out and the rescue asked us if we could keep Rocky until she could place him in the perfect home. Tamara and, without even having to pause, both said yes. The next day, I called and told her that Rocky found his forever home, and he has never left our side since. Rocky is home and we are so fucking blessed. Rocky is truly one of the most amazing and resilient spirits I have ever had the pleasure of knowing…I love you Rocket Man!!

Tamara was contacted and sent photos about a 4 pound chihuahua in bad shape, found on the streets in heat, with her eye literally hanging out of the socket. When I saw the photos, I wept. I began distance work on her immediately. On Friday I made plans to go do a treatment on her at her vet to try to pull heat and inflammation, post op, and to give her some love. I was en route to her vet to work on her and got a message from her savior saying that I would be picking her up and bringing her home with me.

The wave of emotion that came over me when I first laid eyes on Pranja, when I first held her in my arms…and placed her against my chest. I will just say that I knew I was home.

Pranja has some nightmares and I feel her. Tamara and I gently rouse her, like we do Rocky, and ease her back into the present, hold and love them through their fears. We literally feel their pain and it breaks our hearts right in two. You know what though, we wouldn’t trade one single second of who we are and what we do…not one second…we take the misfits and the throw always, the old and mistreated, the broken and the abused…the ones about to be slaughtered and the ones with no mommies. We take the ones left in boxes on the side of the road and the ones thrown in dumpsters. One mans trash is another mans treasure and we have some fucking treasures up in here!

As I sit here writing, with Pranja laying on my chest in her little pink blanket…I see that little eye begin to sparkle and the life in that little soul re-ignite, and I know that she and I are both home.

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Step into your happy…

 

As promised, I am back! I am about to drop from exhaustion…emotionally drained and heart heavy, heart full and so full of gratitude…and also so sad…sad for two small lives that never came to be, that were so anticipated and wanted in this world…and sad for the dog that was left tied to our gate, with a piece of twine, for us to stop everything we were doing, to go and take care of her and ensure her safety.

The emotional whirlwind that I have found myself in for the last two years, seems to be slowing a bit and allowing me to catch my breath, and I am thankful.

Days like today, when I am flooded with hurt, hurt that comes from the complacency of the world around me…I am glad I have my good stuff archive to renew my spirit and my faith and my hope.

Yesterday was definitely a day for the books, for the journals of archived good stuff. I keep this archive close so that when I feel inundated with negativity, I pull my good stuff archive out and immerse myself in some happy.

My inability to do this at times has rendered me paralyzed and completely lifeless and I don’t want to be in that place anymore. I have been alive for 44 years. I am going to start living!

Have you ever wondered what our purpose is in this life? I mean, have you ever truly pondered that question…why are we here?

I have pondered it a great deal and Tamara and I discuss this very often…collectively, here is what we came up with…

This is a quote by Tamara, Co-Founder of Santuario de Karuna, where all life matters:

”When the universe aligns us with the opportunity to be of service and we deny that opportunity, and turn it over to someone else, we just gave away our happy.”

Did it ever occur to YOU, that when someone needs YOU, that YOU are being gifted an opportunity to be of service? YOU are being gifted. When YOU deny the opportunity that YOU have been presented with, YOU are denying your own happinesss? Well, YOU are.

To the person who left the beautiful sweet, senior dog, tied to the gate of the Sanctuary this afternoon, which I would also like to add, is our home, I want to gift you this message and before I do, I want to open the universe so that you can hear my message loud and clear…so that anyone who is confused about who we are and what we do as Co-Founders of Santuario de Karuna, home to 39 animals, who are living out the rest of their lives as the best of their lives with us…here you go..

We are a non-profit 501c3 Vegan Animal Sanctuary. We operate solely on tax-deductible donations. Tamara and I do not take an income, at all, from the Sanctuary.

We are collectively around $40,000, give or take a few thousand, in personal debt…out of pocket…for Sanctuary expenses that donations do not cover, and we chip away at that minimum payment of about $500 a month, as best as we can, after the Sanctuary is good to go, every single month.

We do not pay the minimum payment out of the Sanctuary account, because we personally assumed the debt, for the Sanctuary on our personal credit and our of the cash in our own pockets. Donations are for the animals and so unless someone comes along and makes a donation specifically to clear that debt, we find ways to work harder and smarter and we figure it out, every single month, we Chip away at it, the best we can and we keep going, the best we can.

Tamara works 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, at the Sanctuary, without any pay. I work as many client appointments and pet-sitting jobs and whatever else I can find to make some more money, to provide for Tamara and I, while all of our generous donors take care of the animals.

Tamara and I are simply the guardians of the land and all of the animals that call Santuario home and we do not use words like mine or ours, where the animals are concerned…because they are not ours…we have been entrusted with their care, with their needs and wants and desires as sentient beings. We take that responsibility more seriously than most people can possibly imagine.

We made lifelong commitments to every single being at the Sanctuary, to feed them the best foods and provide them with safe and clean water, with warm and comfortable and clean shelter and the best veterinary care, which all cost a lot of money. We promised them our best and every single day, we give the best we can…every single day, 365 days a year.

Today, when you dropped this senior dog off at our home, at Santuario de Karuna, tied to our gate, scared and abandoned and alone…Tamara and I were called into action.

The universe aligned with YOU and gave YOU an opportunity to be of service. YOU denied YOUR own happiness and self-fulfillment, by denying the opportunity gifted to YOU.

Tamara was at home, loading about 3000 pounds of food donation into a trailer for someone at 1:00pm and I was at a 1:00 client. I got her text when I came out of my client, that this dog was tied to our gate. Tamara found her on the way down the driveway, about to fucking drop from exhaustion…physical, mental and spiritual exhaustion…and I joined her in our driveway, to figure out to help this poor girl…

I am pet sitting in Albuquerque and had to get back, so Tamara took her and got her in the Jeep and headed to Route 66 Vetrinary Hospital on Central and Washington to have her scanned. They found no chip, so Tamara got her back in the Jeep and took her to animal humane, where they found a chip and put her on a seven day hold, to hopefully find her owner.

Tamara just called me that she just got home and it is 5:45 pm! Tamara missed feeding the Sanctuary, at their regularly scheduled 3:00 pm daily feeding. Do you know how important routine is to all of our residents? Routine is life and it fucking matters…it really does, here at Santuario…

All of those miles and Tamara had to stop for gas, just to get back home, after she was home for good for the day. Tamara put that gas on her ever climbing credit card balance…and headed back home to keep on going…

So, now it is raining and hailing and Tamara is all bundled up in her muck boots and jacket, cold and soaking wet, all of our babies fed and cozy…and off again in her Jeep to be of service, to feed a neighbors babies while they are away…

Tamara stopped everything, and I mean everything…and I stopped everything, and   We took care of her. We took care of her because YOU denied the opportunity, presented to YOU to be of service.

So, because you passed off your opportunity to be of service, you bet your sweet ass that we picked her up and ran with her, to a safe place. We held and supported each other through it and came out smiling from ear to ear, at the blessed opportunity to be of service.

If you haven’t, you might want to try it! It is exhilarating and it is life giving and it is why we are all here in the first place, to be of service. We are here to walk each other home…

Have you ever aspired to be someone? Have you ever thought that maybe, the someone that aspire to be didn’t waste a lot of time aspiring?

Tamara is an Animal Rights Activist and has been for most of her life. Tamara is one of the greats…a woman I both admire and respect to the core…a woman I love with all of my heart and stand behind 150%.

An Animal Rights Activist is actively advocating, with every single breath, for those without voices…animals and human beings alike. We must be in action to be activists.

So, today, at 1:00pm when we were called to action, we acted.

We are both settling in for the evening, missing each other terribly, as we do what we have to do to live our dream…we must be of service.

I send this message out with love and light, in hopes that some light has been shed for us all…we aren’t here to aspire…we are called to be…a call to action…requires us to be in action. We cannot be effective activists from the comfort of our couches or behind the activists doing the activity of activating…we must answer the call to action in our own actions.

I am because you are…you are because I am…and we are all called to action. The time is now and you are it!

 

Celebrating Martin Luther King Jr…

“One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws.”

Just laws…”a moral responsibility to obey just laws….” this says a lot to me…we know what is just and what is not…what is right and what is wrong…we know these things…

We live in a world full of supposed to…of shoulds and should nots…and we follow blindly, without questioning what we don’t believe in…

We witness injustice…we witness atrocities…we engage in complacency and we accept substandard…

I see injustice daily…just yesterday, a Mom and Dad, layering their two small children with clothes, as they stole them and pulled the tags off…right in the middle of menswear…layer after layer, stealing and putting the merchandise on their kids, up their sleeves…under their kids in the cart, of soon to be, stolen merchandise….

I don’t know why, but at first, I was in disbelief. Tamara went to go and get an associate…I just stood there and watched the shit show, and then we went over…right in the middle of them, and they didn’t miss a beat, didn’t stop or try to hide what they were doing…kept layering those poor kids with stolen shit…

I was angry…Tamara and the other bystanders were angry, as we all made our way to the register, to pay for our shit, which has a higher price tag now, because of people like this, doing things like this…entitled to take whatever they want…you bet your ass I was pissed…

I was not nearly as pissed or angry, as I was sad, for those poor children. I worked in retail, for a few years and did some undercover loss prevention…and I followed a lady out of the store, about 400 pounds, kid in the cart…she walked through the exit door, I grabbed the cart and played tug of war with her, all the way back in the store…I finally pulled hard enough and pulled she and the cart back across the threshold…at which point, APD apprehended her…took her to the back…child in tow…it was a horrible thing to witness and be part of…

This woman, only came back into the store, because I dragged her, kicking and screaming, by her cart, because her kid was in it…screaming obscenities and yelling horrible threats to me…and it was only then, that she was in fact shoplifting…because she left the store…

We took her to the back and I was the female present, as they began to unlayer this woman…that 400 pounds, was stolen merchandise…in actuality, she weighed about 110 pounds…the other “weight” was about $1200-$1500 of stolen merchandise.

These are parents, using their children, as fucking decoys, diversions…distractions…while their parents teach them how to take what is not theirs…fucking sad…heartbreaking…

Shoplifters are not shoplifting until they leave the store…not even if they are taking off tags and layering themselves and their children, with brand new merchandise, all the way through the store…no one can do anything to them, until they leave…which is what the associate told Tamara…there is nothing we can do…

Unjust? I think so…Tamara thought so…and we said something, to them, to the associate, to the manager…we must not be silent and complacent…

These people knew exactly what they were doing and this was not their first rodeo of wrangling whatever they wanted and having their small children carry it for them…and how sad, we thought, for the children…

And this quote, and this experience, brought me to this amazing quote, that I have always loved…

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted,or Beethoven composed music, or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.”

We are all here, on this journey together, walking each other home…and we all have work to do…

Your work is different from my work, and my work, so very different from yours…and no matter what that work is, shouldn’t we always strive, to do our work, the best we can?

I work on the animals I am entrusted with, just as I work on our animals…with all of my heart…I love them as I love our animals and I want, for them, the same that I want for all of ours…quality of life, safety, good health and happiness…contentment and warmth and food and water and shelter…

I have been doing this kind of work since 2008…when I turned in my bar keys, my late nights and dangerous and depressing career…and decided to work in healing…I went to massage school…just like that, I changed my career path…

And just like that, again, a few years later, I changed from healing work on human clients, to healing work on animals. I took my seat on the dog beds and floors of clients homes everywhere…under dining room tables and baby grand pianos…to do my work, with all of my heart…

Unfortunately, in this process, I have struggled with valuing myself. I have done as much, if not more, pro bono, volunteer and comp work…work at discounted rates…than I have been paid for…

I would love to do what I do, every day, all the time…without having to charge for it…and I have tried, so hard, to make my rates reasonable, my work speak for itself…to Be Beethoven and Michelangelo in my work, to create masterpieces…to facilitate amazing healing…to be a vessel for God to work through, to provide healing, for everyone, whether you can afford me of not…

Here is what I have found…people afford what they want to afford…they pay for what they have to pay for…clients go to the vet, and get billed, usually fairly astronomically, and they pay it, and then they cannot pay me…and I have accepted that, for years…until now…

This quote, this day…this great man, Martin Luther King Jr…he has a dream…I have a dream too…

I have a dream that we live in a world of love…of compassion and respect…of fairness and justness…that we all do all we can, always, to lighten each other’s load…that each one of us will be love…and do what is right, even when no one is looking…whatever you do, do it with all of your heart…and if it’s your work…charge appropriately for your work, that you may feel good about who you are and what you do in this world…

This has been my most difficult obstacle, since I realized my gift…charging for it and charging appropriately, and always getting paid, on time….my full rate…without having to ask for it…I have struggled so much with this, that I just let it go and assume that whomever it is, must need the money more than me…and I let it go…only I guess I haven’t let it go, because here I am, blogging about it…

Anyway, that is my work…to value myself, charge accordingly…and to say no when my gut tells me to say no…

I am on a mission, in this new year, to do my work, with all of my heart…and to bill for my work, with all of my heart…I want to feel as good about doing my work as my clients feel after having my work done and for me, that means getting paid…accepting gratuity…and saying no, so that I can say yes, to people who value me, in the whole spectrum of my work, which includes my quality of life…and my quality of life relies heavily upon me being able to pay my own bills…

So, thank you Martin Luther King Jr…for the quotes, which inspired my words..which I am sending out to the universe, with all of my love…

I send this writing, and all of its content, back to the universe, to be used where it is needed and to be recycled, where it is not needed, for the highest good of us all…

Happy Birthday Martin Luther King Jr…thank you for your amazing words, your compassion, your inspiration and your amazing vision…for your love and your ability to speak where we can hear you…thank you!

 

 

Oh,the places you’ll go…

I woke up feeling kind of disoriented this morning. My life is definitely taking new shape and so I feel a little disoriented.

I believe I am on the right path, that I have always been on the right path…unfamiliar and pretty steep and rocky in places…definitely my path.

Having been to visit the rainbow bridge several times in 2018 already, I know I am being called up for some big work. Having assisted in hundreds of euthanasia’s throughout my career…something tells me that this work will be different…that this work will be my work and not someone else’s work that I assist in…

I worked in a vets office for a while in the beginning of my career. I was supposed to be their Animal Massage Therapist and ended up helping them to temporarily fill a vet tech position also. As it turned out, it wasn’t temporary and my massage took a back seat to the vet tech work, for a couple of years.

The thing is, I was asked to do a favor, because they were super short staffed and I didn’t mind helping out. I learned a lot and I tried hard. In spite of this though, I was not treated at all well there.

Lots of eye rolling and sighs…lots of whispering behind my back…being there was always really uncomfortable, because I just never fit in. I didn’t go to school like they did and wasn’t actually a vet tech…I tried so hard and I just never belonged there. They were mean at times…a lot of times and I became so miserable there that I could not arrive at my last day there soon enough.

I got the distinct impression that they were as happy to see me go as I was to go. Oddly, bringing this up stings me a bit still…I can feel how that felt, all over again…the feeling of not being valued or wanted…the feeling of not belonging…trying to clean rooms and hold dogs for the techs and the veterinarians…and trying to hold myself together, every single fucking day, to make it to the end of the day…only to wake up to go and do the same thing all over again…

Fuck, that was a painful time in my life! Tamara first saw me there, many years ago and she has always said that I looked like a bouncer…arms crossed, locked stare and unshakable stance…angry looking and not to be fucked with…

Anyway, the other day, when I took Mosley in to walk him home, two of these techs that I speak of were at my clients vets office…and for a moment or two, I felt small and uncomfortable all over again…stupid and inadequate…and I could feel the giggling and the whispering and eye rolling, all over again…

As I held Mosley close to me, I shifted all of my focus to him and to this walk that he and I were taking together…the importance of his walk was more important than any of these feelings coming up for me…

Our tech was skilled and I remembered that from working with her…she is skilled at her job…and she does it well. Mosley needed that and I was actually glad to see her…glad that Mosley had her, for this most important moment.

The feeling was obviously not mutual…I felt that…and in that moment, I realized how I had always felt. How I felt, years ago, was validated, in those moments, as I was a paying client, carrying my client across the bridge…and how others must feel this way too…

This is not a time period in my life that I really like to revisit…this was a period of deep pain and deep loss for me…a time that was so instrumental in my career path and so excruciating in my personal life…

I learned so much during this time about so many things. I threw myself into rescue work and volunteering…I did tons of Pro Bono work…and worked as much as I could on my business, on the side…

Things got worse and eventually, they got even worse…I could not stand going in there every day…even after I left there, some of them still slandered me and talked shit about me…they defimated my character…and damaged my reputation in the community…

Horrible things have been said about me…absolutely horrible things…and I never really understood why…I still don’t understand why…Anyway, walking in with Mosley earlier this week…brought up some clear work for me to heal through…as I felt the way I felt, so many years ago…

I am going to visit this and heal this, one last time, and then it goes in the past, behind me, where it cannot hurt me ever again…

So, here it goes…what do I need to take from this…to own and be responsible for…to heal from…what is my work in this? How can I heal from this, so that the Lesson, which has clearly become many blessings for me…no longer hurts me?

I will start by saying that I probably wasn’t the best employee. I had some personal things going on…personal things that ended up being intertwined in my work…and I became unable to separate it all, to function through it all…

I tried my best. I really did. I worked any hours needed…any rescue needed…but I was off, wasn’t I? Yes, I was off…terrribly, terribly off…and I’m sure I wasn’t my best, even though I tried my best.

This job and he relationship I was in at this time in my life…all in active addiction…all in an effort to figure out who I was and where I belonged. I was sure that I had finally arrived home…that I was with my people…the prospect of all of it was so new and exciting and I had no idea then, exactly what I was walking into. I also had no way of knowing how painful and difficult and damaging it was going to be for me to walk back out…

I was damaged and I did some significant damage also. I was selfish in my decisions and I did not consider others…I was in relationship with someone who belonged to someone else…and any way you slice that…I was wrong…I fucked up and I hurt people. I did not hurt people on purpose, and yet, I own my part in the downfall of things. I no longer own all of it, as all of it is not mine…I do own my part, though…

I drank a lot, to handle all of this…to numb all of this…so I have no doubt of my responsibility in it all…

My soul dog…whom I loved from the highest and deepest place within me, came from this era…I chose my relationship, over him and he took a backseat…I neglected him because someone else became more important to me, than he was.

After I left this job and this relationship and came back home to him…we worked everything out and all was forgiven. I had missed him so much and felt terrible  for choosing someone else over him…he forgave me.

I found myself in another relationship, and again, in active addiction. I chose her over him.

Things finally completely fell out for me in this relationship. I moved her in, to save her and hopefully to save me also…from financial ruin, as another person contributing to the mortgage and the bills could save me…

Save me…she did not. In fact, she never paid a penny for anything…and getting her out was no easy task…financially bankrupt and emotionally fucking destroyed…she sexually assaulted my soul dog…and I had not known…

And then I knew…and I cannot even tell you how that fucking destroyed me…I could not un-know…and I threw her out…and my identity was stolen, credit cards, bank accounts…you name it, she accessed it…when she moved her things out, she took all things that she wanted, including much that was mine…

Having been sexually abused myself, and she knew my story, her sexually abusing my dog, sent me into a very bad place. I will say that, it is only by the grace of God that she is not dead…as I could have killed her, with my bare hands,  and thought absolutely nothing of it.

After I got her out of our home, again, my soul dog and I tried to mend things, to heal this…my heart was crushed. I had not protected him…this was my fault.

I finally realized that I owed him much more than I had been able to give him. I cannot even begin to tell you the agony and heartbreak…we even moved, away from where it happened. New beginnings, all the way around..to no avail…

I could not look at him without seeing what she had done to him, what I had inadvertently allowed, but not knowing it was happening to him. He was not the same and I was not the same and we could not be the same, ever again.

And so, I did what I had to do, for him…I surrendered him back to the rescue I got him from, just as I promised I would, when I adopted him. I didn’t tell his story, or what had happened to him, because I wanted him to have a new life and a fresh start…without any of this hanging over him…

The rescue took him back, with a very heartbreaking response letter that said how disappointed she was that I had given up my soul dog, for my new relationship…my new residence…how she lost all respect for me…and on and on…

I wanted him to be free from all of this, to not have this stigma on him…I wanted him to run free and begin again…and so, I took him back to the vet that I worked at, with all of his things…and I bid him farewell, so he could have the amazing life he deserves…

There is not one day that I don’t visit with him…that I don’t miss him…that I don’t want him back here with me…that my heart does not break, for the decision I felt I had to make…and yet, I know, in my heart, that I did right by him. Truly, that is all I need to know…

So, the point of this post…I guess it is to say that, on an extremely difficult day for me, walking my beloved client across the rainbow bridge…I ran into myself…my past, my hurts…my mistakes and failures…

All of the things that have been said about me since I left the job at the vets office years ago…all said behind my back because no one ever asked me, to my face, and I would have never told…

All of this came rushing back, as I felt the way I felt so many years ago…in a different vets office, doing my work, with my client…

I now get to do my work, without the scrutiny of people who don’t know me at all…in a place where I don’t fit in…and I don’t have to answer to anyone…

My work speaks for itself and I have clients who know my heart…my work and my passion…and I am good at what I do. I am home.

I just want to sit here in gratitude for a moment…as I would not be here now, doing the work that I do, had it not been for where I had been…

I am blessed and I believe in the good things coming!

I don’t have much tonight…just kind of want to be…

I want to say that I love my work. I am so blessed to do what I do, and to watch how what I started out doing has evolved.

Being an LMT, my work started in massage…my hands have always been one of my greatest gifts. I can feel things that other people can only hear or see…

I am blessed to have found my gift for Reiki and communication work, as that really is…me…I hear and know and see and feel things…it is intuition, and it is much more than that…

My clients have also evolved and grown and we have learned so much from each other throughout the years…how to live…how to die…how to heal…how to grow…how to not be scared and how to give and receive love…

In only the first few days of 2018, I have had way too many opportunities to visit the rainbow bridge already. This is my work and I am blessed…on this evening though…I just need to go be…

I don’t have any words for that right now…just feel kind of numb, really sad and ready to just not think or feel all of this sadness…

I hope you all take a moment to love those closest to you this evening…that’s what I am off to do…

Blessed be the Journey Mosley (and his Brother, Jingles)

I have been blogging in my head today and I finally slowed down enough to write…

I am very blessed in my work and I get the honor of being with my clients in their life, and a lot of times, I am there with them when they cross the rainbow bridge.

Today was such a day, with a long time client of mine. He and I actually share the same Birthday, and today, Mosley crossed the rainbow bridge to meet his Brother Jingles.

Mosley and I have a long history together  and he and I have journeyed some amazing paths together. Mosley is a thirteen year old Basset Hound and he was preceded in death by his Brother, Jingles.

Mosley was not at all a fan of massage, when I first met him, and he would refuse to sit still when I came to work on him, even though he needed me very much. Jingles seized the opportunity, and gladly stepped in and took Mosley’s place.

I did what I call, drive by massage, on Mosley, while working on Jingles in between…Mosley was completely non-compliant and was very clear that he did things his way.

When Mosley refused to sit his ass down, I would pick him up (this did not please Mosley at all), and carry him and sit him on my lap and work on him that way. This actually became kind of a game and he would run from me and I would catch him and so on…

Jingles would get his massage and Mosley would howl and go in and out of the doggie door, repeatedly. When Mosley felt like it, he would push Jingles out of the way and get some energy and massage work and then off he would go again.

Mosley was one of my first clients where Reiki really took a front seat to my massage work. Mosley also became one of my mentors for my communication work and one of my very dearest friends.

Today, all of that picking Mosley up and moving him around paid off, as I had to pick him up and carry him home. Instead of fighting me, like he always has, Mosley buried his head in my chest, and we took this long and difficult walk together when the time came, Mosley was laying on my lap, as he crossed over…

Today, I carried Mosley across the bridge to meet Jingles. Mosley was way past his life expectancy, especially for his breed. Like The Velveteen Rabbit, Mosley and Jingles have been loved and cared for very, very well…fur loved off and a million amazing memories with their Mom…love like that and a wonderful life with each other…

I feel them running free together tonight, howling to their hearts content and looking down on all of us, especially their Mom. No pain and no suffering…no cancer…free and howling without a care in the world…

So tonight, as I say my prayers, I thank God for Mosley and Jingles and for their Mom…for all of her faith in me and the work that I do…for allowing me to journey right along side them for a while , for teaching me so much and pushing me to be better. I love you both…blessed be the journey…

My heart is sad tonight…lots of loss and lots of tears today…and my heart is full, so very full, for the amazing beings that trust me with their lives and their journeys to the other side…

I love you Mosley and Jingles and I thank you for trusting me and for all of the amazing lessons you both taught me.

I have no doubt that I will be seeing the two of you around a lot…please tell my Mom that I love her and thank Max and Hannah and Gypsy and Penn for helping Mosley to find his way home…

Blessed be the journey my friends…I love you and I will meet you on the other side…

Conversations with my clients…

Just settling in to reflect on my day and I am feeling tired…like hard work tired, and that is a very nice feeling…loving 7784FFC2-13EC-4200-8CD8-CCF9093108BEwhat I do helps so much, as it almost doesn’t feel like work at all.

I enjoy the conversations I have with my clients…they are so uninhibited and matter of fact, almost all of the time.

My clients with the seemingly simple issues are often more complex. Often clients with the very deep and troublesome issues, present with the most simple solutions.

Today I had clients that I have had for many years and it is beautiful to see how we have evolved together. I know them and they know me…like really know each other…

I can see where it hurts them and they can feel me on my less than stellar days…I can tell them to trust me and they do, because I’ve never given them reason not to…and sometimes out of sheer necessity, at first…and then it evolves, and almost always quickly…into the most beautiful dance you’ve ever felt with your eyes closed, and felt with your hands wide open…

Working with energy more and more and being led by Reiki and what lies in stillness has opened my work to places I could not have imagined.

I feel so blessed to be so trusted by the most vulnerable, as often when I first arrive, their eyes are paralyzed in fear, darting about, anywhere other than to my eyes…and sometimes their eyes are just blank and hollow, empty and broken…and then they aren’t anymore…Those moments, when they aren’t anymore, those are the moments that I do this for…

There is a beauty in my brand new clients, that always warms my heart  There is the wonder and then, for some of them… nervous and scared…for some of them, seizing and trembling …the reluctance to be touched and often the need, like the deep, to your soul kind of need to be touched, all at the same time…

Today, it occurred to me that maybe I do what I do as well as I do it, because I have been there and I get it…I really, truly get it, and somewhere deep inside, they know that and they can trust me to see them broken.

I could not be more blessed than to be loved and trusted like my clients love and trust me.  I know this to be true all of the time and today I felt it on a level I never felt it before and I understood like I had not understood before…

I have some pretty amazing conversations with my clients and every day, I learn so much from them. I get to be the student in  a room full of the worlds greatest teachers, every single day.

After that, I get to come home to a sanctuary full of the most amazing animals you will ever meet, with the most touching and inspiring stories. Every single one of them have loved me through the worst days of my life.

I have been very present for my clients and very distant from the sanctuary since my Mom got sick and it sure is nice to feel myself start coming home…

I am learning to slow down, to take some time to write, to meditate and medicate with my music…I am learning to listen, to hear, to understand…to talk less…

I am learning to be here now. I have been very stuck in the past and very scared of the future for a very long time. I tell my clients, all the time, “that was then and this is now…that is not your business…” and I often find it hard to believe that myself…

I do know that what you think of me is none of my business, and damn it if some days I cannot wrap around that at all…

I have forgiven, without hesitation, anyone who has ever apologized to me, from heart center…everyone that is, except for myself, up until recently.

I lose my shit sometimes, deep inside myself, deep in there where little Coral is still screaming…I lose my way…gravity escapes me and I fall to pieces…

In those moments, I’m like Baby Taos and Aliah and Rocky…and I want out…wait no, I want in…wait, it’s not that at all…I just want to be where you are…I just want to be where you are…and truly, nothing else matters…

So, I do get my clients, and again, better than I get my own dogs at times…which is highly frustrating, so I’ve been working really hard with me…on me…because It wasn’t them, it was me, for the most part…

And the thing is, they have known this all along and they have loved me through it…even when I wasn’t very lovable at all…

Working with animals has become my second nature, where I am most comfortable…where I fit in and where I matter a lot…I like it here and it makes sense to me here.

I am gifted and good at what I do in this place and it has become comfortable…second nature…home…some of my most amazing conversations have happened with these amazing beings that trust me with their hearts and their health and their well-being…

Some of the deepest conversations with some of the most elite, happen every day in my work. Some of the worlds problems, and big problems, I might add, have been solved on dog beds…in hallways and even in culverts…

In the living rooms of some of the most amazing people you will ever meet, I sit with my best friends on floors and dog beds on kitchen floors and under baby grand pianos…learning some of life’s most precious lessons…from those who know best.

I believe in the good things coming!