Good morning! I’m still standing!! Yesterday did not kill me and I already feel stronger! I also feel exhausted completely run over and so I write to fuel my journey.
Morning reminder that this is my blog. There are many blogs like it. This blog is mine. I write to heal myself and I write to get it all out. I am not here to hurt anyone and I’m not here to be hurt by anyone anymore. My truth is hard. My journey is treacherous. My words are hard to read. I’m glad you are here and I thank you for your love and support, as I find my way. If you are not here in love and support, please leave.
My one time offer of clearing every ounce of space, of opening my schedule and my heart and my energy for your calls…that was a full and busy day. I was on my phone literally all day, and I am grateful. I was healing all day and I am blessed. I also know what it takes to make those calls and so if you just couldn’t yesterday, I’m not too hard to find. I won’t shun you or be mean to you or ignore you…You just have to make the call. I will make the time.
I am finding that I haven’t been really known by many people. I don’t know why…I mean, I am not elusive on purpose. I have always been a pretty open book. Anyway, just something I noticed yesterday, people don’t know me. People I’ve “known” my whole life…I don’t really know them either.
I have blogged a lot about my Dad. I love my Dad. I have always loved my Dad. Anyone who really knows Coral knows that I love my Dad with all of my heart. My Daddy has been my hero and my confidant. My Dad has been my friend and my teacher. My Dad was my lunch date, he is the soul survivor of all I ever knew of my parents…my Mom and Dad. My Dad taught me to build. My Dad taught me to drive. My Dad, for 42 years, was a sure and steady, true and reliable place to be. My spelling bee coach and my mentor…my taxi and my disciplinarian. My Dad and I go WAY back.
I have re-read my blogs, just because of a shitty text I received about how I slapped my Dad in the face on Facebook. I can’t find it anywhere…where I slapped my Dad, where I hurt my Dad or where I was unkind to my Dad. I just don’t see anything anywhere that speaks ill of the man who I have wanted to be just like for my entire life.
My Dad does not read my blog. My Dad lives my fucking blog. Tamara lives my blog. My Dad and Tamara need a break from my blog, from me and what I carry, so the two people I love the most, they are not regular readers or Facebook followers of Coral. If I post a blog that I want them to hear, whether they want to or not, I read it to them…both of them. I have never said anything about my Dad, on my blog, or otherwise, that I haven’t said or won’t say to my Dad. There is nothing you have seen that he can’t see himself, if he chooses to see it. Today’s blog is dedicated to my Dad…today, I write a letter to my Dad, that I will have to email him, because he does not read my blog.
Congratulations to you and Mrs. Cheryll Ricketts! I am so glad that you found someone to share your life with you. I really am.
I know that you know my heart. I know that you also know my mouth. Often, they don’t go hand in hand. You and I…we have had some hard, hard conversations since August. We have said some harsh things to one another and we have been hurt and angry and wrong. You know about my blog, that I write to heal, to get it all out. You said you were proud of me for my blog and I told you that Mom is helping me to speak my truth. I write about you in my blog. Nothing I haven’t said to you already, just my way of sorting it all out. I know you don’t read it…why would you? You live it, don’t you? Anyway, it’s always there of you want to read it and it will be there if you don’t want to read it. I just wanted you to know that I write what I write for me, never against you, or anyone else. I know you already know that…I just want you to know it again, from my heart.
I want to say thank you for allowing me my time and space to try to process and sort all of this out. I’m not there yet, and yet I am getting there because you are allowing me to speak my truth, the really hard stuff, whatever I need to say, with your blessing, without editing or correcting me. Thank you for that.
I know, with all of my heart, that you and Mom didn’t know what was happening to me, that you could not, as most people cannot, fathom something so awful. You could not know and I know that. I’ve no blame…no anger or resentment toward you or Mom. You should know that. Everyone should know that. I do not and never have blamed my Mom and Dad for the sins of someone else.
On August 16th, when you told me you wanted to start dating, I wasn’t ready for that. I guess, to be honest, I would never have been ready to hear that, from you, my Mom and Dad.
Today, I release you from that title…the title of “Mom and Dad”. I even release you from the burdens of the title “Dad” brings, so that you can just “Be” Fred. I have known you one way and I’m going to have to get to know you another way…I know that. My distance…distance training you could call it, has been for me to reset, for me to recalibrate and fall apart, so that I could come back new.
I have been sitting in our den, losing my Mom since 12:06 pm on December 3, 2015. The moment that Moms heart stopped beating , the moment she surged out of her body, I lost track of her. I have desperately been seeking her ever since, and I found her in you.
I want you to know that I’m sorry, for placing that burden and all of that responsibility on you. I put more expectation, disguised as hope, on you, unknowingly, after Mom left.
Mom held us together and when she left, we fell apart. Mom told us what to do and when she didn’t anymore, we simply did not know what to do. Mom was the boss and without her, we all went a little crazy, didn’t we?
For your wedding, I did not get you a card. I did not buy you a gift. I didn’t even show up, did I? Actually, I did…I was there in spirit, with my whole heart, but you already felt that didn’t you? My not showing up was one of the greatest gifts that I had to offer you…keeping your day, YOUR day, and not showing up and falling apart and making your wedding day about me. I know you already opened that gift and I know it had shitty wrapping and that it doesn’t match anything you have (the gift of doing what is truly best for you), it looks good on you. You should wear some more of that…it’s a good look on you for sure.
My next gift, a gift that you and Mom have begged me for, harped on me and beaten me over the head with for years…to get right with Shawn… forgive Shawn. We are working on it…we really are. Some of your behavior has forced us back into one another’s lives, so I thank you. I won’t lie, I was not fucking pleased, at all, and yet, things happened just as they “should” and the only way they could.
The gift I am most excited for you to open, really isn’t your gift at all. Aren’t those gifts really the best kind anyway? This is a gift for all of us actually, so it is for you, not JUST for you…
Congratulations on you wedding to the most amazing man I have ever known! Truly, Fred and I go way back and he’s a keeper. I have watched him love a woman with everything in him, for my whole life. I have watched my Dad honor his vows. I have lived through the better and the worse, the sickness and the health. I am living through and trying to navigate, the til death do we part. Part.
I was not ready for my Mom to die. I truly never thought my Mom would die. My entire life, my being, my spirit and my soul…they got all shaken up and tossed about and I’ve not quite landed yet. Thank you for giving me space to find my footing before we formally meet one another. Thank you for accepting that I just couldn’t do what I couldn’t do and couldn’t be where I needed to be…thank you for not forcing my hand…for just giving me the time and space to figure this all out.
My Dad cannot stop talking about you. Not since week two, has my Dad talked about much of anyone else, not even me, and that stung me a bit. I was a coddled and over protected child and I fought letting go of my Mom and Dad. I fought when my Mom died and I fought again when my Dad found you…I fought losing everything. I felt I lost everything and everyone dear to me and so I fought to hold on.
I thank you for honoring my process and my journey. I truly cannot tell you how important it has been for me to emerge on my own, to come to this place in my own time. Thank you for understanding and honoring that. You and my Dad have known my heart and that is all I could hope for…thank you.
I could not be present to give my Dad away, and I thank you for your kind words of understanding about my absence. I come forth to give my Dad to you now. I take his hand out of my hand and I place his hand in your hand, where it belongs.
I wish you both happiness and health. I wish you many years of retirement form a work force that consumed you, to travel and laugh and just be…just be happy…to just be together.
My Dad has made me aware that my favorite word is your least favorite word and I will be mindful. I will be mindful. I will be mindful.
Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Fred Ricketts. My happy Father and my new step-mom…Congratulations to the both of you and thank you for honoring me and my journey and for allowing me what I need to emerge happy and whole.
Happy Tuesday everyone! Love, love, love for your journey and let us never forget that we are just walking each other home.