Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Good morning. I’m sorry I’m so distant. The struggle is real and I am just finding my way through it. My life is in the serenity prayer and daily meetings as of late. I am blessed to have a sponsor and a meeting to chair to keep me coming back. The rooms are the most welcoming and inviting place for me to be right now, as my life has become unmanageable. The rooms are where I belong if I wish to stay out of the abyss that has taken me before, in times like these. The rooms are my safe zone and that is where you will find me until I’m strong enough to make it on my own.

I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have my sobriety. Dry drinking though, has led me back to the meetings and the rooms and my tribe. Five and a half years sober and I got a desire chip yesterday, to remind me how fragile we all are…how fragile I am right now. Drinking is not the only danger in losing ones sobriety and ones self. For me, drinking does begin the downward spiral that I have fallen into so, so many times before. I know with all of my heart that I would not come out of it alive again.

I am so blessed with an amazing partner and so thankful for the gift of the rooms and my tribe. So thankful to my sponsor for swooping me up and taking me under her wing at this time. I struggle and yet I know how truly blessed I am. Thank you to each of you who carries me through. Thank you for your love me. I love you too.

I cannot explain the place I am in right now, other than to say again that the struggle is real. To each of you struggling, I love you. To each of you loving me through my struggle, thank you. Have a blessed and beautiful day today.

If you would like to, please pray with me this morning:

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Be the Angel that you have prayed for…

Good afternoon everyone! Happy Sunday! I have missed you. Hell, I have missed me! I will not lie. The struggle has been real and I have had to hold my tongue. I return today with love in my heart, to where we left off with the beautiful new paint, in our healing room!

I hope you are loved deeply by someone. Being loved deeply by someone has truly saved me and given me the strength, to begin to find ways to love me deeply. I am talking about being loved deeply, like a verb. Loved so deeply that you cannot not feel it. I am learning how to love, and part of how I am learning is to feel how I want to be loved. I want to feel it in my soul and know it in my heart and so that is where I begin. To me, love like this has to be a verb, because I have to feel it. I cannot see it. I cannot hear it. Not unless it is in action and in harmony with how I want to feel it. I must know it in my soul because it has returned to me, this knowing of love. I have always known. Now, I feel home.

I write today for us all, to remind us that we are not alone. Not really a poem…a writing from me to you, to remind you to be the Angel that you have prayed for.

When we scream out in need, love answers the cry. We must feel it. We know only what we have come to feel, not what we have come to hear.

When we pray for the angels, they appear. Often in ordinary clothes and without their wings. Angels on earth walk among us and they guide us home.

When the darkness overcomes us and the demons run us out, love brings us back to our own soul. Love will never co-exist with fear and God will never co-exist with fear. God is love. Fear is not God. Fear is not love. God is benevolent. We forget, don’t we? Our own divinity…we forget that we are God. God created you in his image and God is in your mirror. We are not and never have been separate from God. God is not out there. God is in here. He asked me to remind us all of this. And so it is.

Every single one of us is here with opportunity to be an angel to someone else, every single day.

Every single one of us will see the angels we have called upon if we lose our expectation as to what they will look and be like. Angels will feel like angels. You will always know the angles among you.

What feels amazing to you? What lights you up? What cozies you up in loves embrace? Go be that for someone else. We must act outside of ourselves, in both thought and deed, and the angels will surround us. Wayne Dyer reminds us to want what we want, more for someone else, than we want it for ourselves. The person you are struggling to love right now, love them the most. Want for them, more for them, what you want for you, than you want it for you. Truly. If you doubt, try it and then you shall doubt no more.

Unconscious action and behavior still has accountability.

Compassion is just a word without action. Karuna means compassionate action in Sanskrit.

Love is just a word without action.

Saving those without voices does not only include the animals and sentient beings. Those without voices are those who cannot and do not and have a voice to speak up for themselves.

Being an advocate for anyone begins with first advocating for yourself, with all of your heart. You must fight harder for you than you will ever fight with anyone else. In the end, the battle is only ever with yourself anyway.

If you want it badly enough, you are the only one who can make it happen for you. Only you can set it down and never pick it back up. SOJA thank you. You are the only one who can release whatever it is that you are struggling to release. Stop holding whatever it is and hold yourself instead. I believe you. I have always believed in you.

We…you and I…we are fabulous, aren’t we? Angels and lovers and friends…we are blessed. We are love. Let us go out there and spread ourselves amongst those who do not know that they are angels also, shall we?

Have a beautiful Sunday afternoon! Go be the Angel that you have prayed for, for someone else! I love you!

I will rise from these ashes.

I lingered and then lingered some more, as I knew that when I left, I would not pass this way again. All of the memories and horrors…all of the expectation and disappointment and disgust…all of this fucking pain. I stood in all of that pain. As the pain kept raining down, I stopped seeking refuge and shelter. I just stopped. I decided instead, to let the rain and the tears wash me away. Wash me all away. I have never really done much more than existed, and that was a chore at times. Standing here though…being here and repeatedly trying to leave here…all while trying to find a way to stay here. Something broke in me. I let it break. Literally being shredded and mocked and taunted with tones and rigid jaw lines and then being rendered lifeless by the contempt. There’s no fight for this. There are no words for this. There is no reprieve from this. This has never been okay. I have never been safe. I have been thrown away and I grieve as though I am the one who left. I would never have left. I know I am not the leaver… I am the left behind…a pattern I’ve learned and repeated so, so many times before. I won’t act like this is okay. I forgive. I cannot forget. I love. We are the best thing that ever came of all of this. We stand alone. I stayed and I held space. This pain though…I have never known pain like this before. Foreign and so familiar is the pain that finally hit me hard enough for me to go down. We closed out a couple of lifetimes standing there. There was no budge and I cannot bend anymore without fracturing myself beyond repair. I regress. This morning though…first thing when I opened my eyes… the tears continue to fall. No dam can hold the flood of tears on their way down. No force can stop the flood and there is no comfort to be found. I haven’t spoken much of this, as I don’t even begin to know how to find the words. These words, somehow jumbled and coded, edited into “I” statements. These words are so void of all of the pain inside. These words are the best that I can stammer out, in an effort to relieve the tension that holding them has caused.

This is about me. This is about me and how I feel about what has been done. I have the power to make decisions best for me. I am not powerless. Making someone else wrong will never make any of us right. Lies are an attempt to hide a truths that don’t align with us. I have been invisible and I have been hurt repeatedly and on purpose. Over and over, and over again, I’ve not been seen at all. And I…I am barely breathing and moments away from ceasing to exist anymore at all. I am dying and I have been blatantly denied life support. I am drowning and the flood gates have been opened anyway. I am broken as the cord that held my world snaps and crashes down on top of me. I am struggling in the rubble and I extend my hand. I see the shadow pass before me and the hands shoved in the pockets of the dark image passing by. I am but a lowly beggar and my basket is nearly empty. My heart nearly broken. My face tear stained and aged and lined. I stand alone and so I am going now too. Another thing and the worst of things is that I would fix this if I could. I cannot. I cannot fix this. I did not break this. Unaccountability and anger and greed and rage and entitlement and contempt that can no longer be disguised or hidden behind other words seeps out and drains my soul. The mask has fallen off and the truth, scribbled across the shadows of a face I used to know. I can. I won’t. The rhetoric in my head, that I repeat on accident…unsettling. A broken little girl in a woman’s body. Sam and Coral and Coral and Sam, tumbling about, being tossed and turned out…A golden boy falling from grace that never befell him. And she in her casket. We have fallen apart. We have fallen from grace. We have lost more than we ever could have imagined. And my soul shrieks in the most agonizing pain of this lifetime. The bloodstains and the tears…the flashbacks and the right nows…the horrors and the lifelessness…the lovelessness…and I must go on.

For each painful thing that befalls me, and oh how it has befallen me, that I cannot turn seem to turn positive and to the light, I offer three positives and I give thanks. And I am on my way to that, in the midst of all of this.

In the loss of all I’ve truly ever known, I have gained the opportunity to be myself. And I give thanks.

I have done enough here and so I must go, as I’ve much good work to do our there. It rips my heart into bits to be begrudged the little bit of happy I have found and to feel the venom seeping out. Our house was full of strangers and friends…friends who who aren’t even friends back…and we watched from the outside of the glass. We had our little faces pressed against the glass, peering through the window at the Christmas of someone else in a home that we used to call our own. And we cry…God do we fucking cry. And I must go on. Without the knowing of how, I will go on.

Brand new, I return to the rooms of AA. Beginning again, from my lowest point in four and a half decades, I crack the cover of my big book for the first time. I begin again. I die this death to be born anew. I die this death to begin my life as me, for I will not dwell here any longer.

For the gifts and the lessons and for the endless and abundant blessings, I am so thankful. I truly am. I know how blessed I am. I write to heal myself. I write to get all of this out. I write to try to sort myself, my life…this. I intend to harm no one. And, I will not be silent. I have carried the sins of many. I have endured the beatings of nations. Today, on this day, I decide. Tomorrow and the next day and all of the days after that, I decide. From now on and for always, I decide. My decisions will be in my own best interest and in my own highest good…in the highest good of everyone, for we are all the same.

I am in the throes of something that I must go deep within to resolve and sort out. I have pulled myself out of circulation today and will not be available, as I repair my heart and lick my wounds. As I prepare my inner warrior for spiritual battle, I must prepare a place and I must ready myself for the letting go that is taking place, to prepare for all of the good things coming. These embers are still hot and cooling down, and as I patiently wait for them to become ashes, I prepare myself to rise up. I will rise from these ashes. And so it is.

As always, I send all that does not serve us, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I love you. Have a beautiful Sunday!

Today I celebrate me!

Good Monday morning! I am taking my five year chip today at noon and I’ve got a lot going on inside me. Tumbling around and tossing itself about…that which is not mine. I realize that it is not mine and so I write this morning to release it.

Corals morning dialogue with self went something like this;

Why did I invite the people I invited to see me take my five year chip? Hmmmmm…I invited a few of my friends to come to see me take my five year chip because I desperately want for them to have what I have. I see that their struggle is real. Being invited to an AA meeting five years ago, on my way to happy hour, is why I am sitting here sober this morning. And so, I invited them to a meeting with me, like I was invited to a meeting with a friend five years ago. There are others that I invited because I want them to see me sober…as they have only ever known me in active addiction. I want them to see me. There are people that I invited because they have been my fucking lifeline over the course of my sobriety. Phone calls and texts straight from the heavens…on days when I wasn’t sure where my next breath was coming from…you were my breath. Thank you. Invited the people I love the most…the people who have loved me the most…like a verb. I invited all of you. I will see those if you whom are so called or so moved to be with me today at noon!

My life had become unmanageable. That’s Why I’m Here. Thank you Kenny Chesney.

The last year for me has been my most difficult, as I accept that I’ve been let go of. I didn’t think there would be a more difficult sober year for me than the year my mom died three years ago. It just reminds me that I am in control of nothing…absolutely nothing at all. My mom sent me one last card in the mail before she died and that card was congratulations for my sober birthday. A Dr. Seuss Birthday card form my Mom and Dad, in my Moms writing. My mom was so proud of my sobriety. There is no fucking way in hell I’m letting go of it. I am not sober for my Mom, and not I am not sober for anyone else. I am a sober woman for me and that is how I stay sober.

Today I thank each and every one of you who left, for you made room for those who belong here and want to be here. Thank you. I thank each of you who stayed, for your love has kept me going. I thank God. Thank you Tamara for inviting me to that meeting five years ago. Thank you.

AA is a private thing really. Friends of Bill. Alcoholics Anonymous for a reason…and so I just wanted to reflect on why I felt I wanted to make my five year chip public this year. I invite you to a very deep and personal part of myself, when I invite you into my sobriety. I invite you into an even deeper part of myself when I invite you into my life before sobriety. So, there you have it!

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you!

Please bow your heads in prayer with me for our homeless community this cold and treacherous morning…

Good morning everyone. I humbly ask each of you to spend some time in prayer with me this morning for our homeless community, for all beings less fortunate than we are, that they may feel our love. I wrote a prayer at the end of my blog and I ask you, if you’re so inclined, to pray aloud with me, with all of your love and positive intention, for those who need our prayers.

Happy snowy morning everyone! We are under blizzard watch until 6:00am tomorrow. We have been shoveling since 5:00am and have the animals paths dug out on one side of the property. Tamara is feeding now. I’m taking a quick break to blog and then we will continue shoveling. We have a couple of feet of snow and it’s been snowing constantly. The snow blanket it beautiful. I have fond memories of snow days when we were kids. As I sit here in the studio now, I am thinking of my little brother and how we used to play and play and play. Shawn was my very best friend and we lived in our own little world. We had such love for one another. I realize that we still do have that love for one another. I am so fucking thankful for this that I cannot even find the words. I love you Shawn! We could build quite a snow family in our yard!!! We used to scrape enough snow together for a small snow child…this is fucking epic!

I want to thank each of you who has reached for me during these very difficult holidays and the three year anniversary of my Moms passing. The struggle has been off the fucking charts for me since October. Actually, let’s be honest…the struggle has taken me the fuck out for almost three years now. I am ready to live my life. I am ready to laugh and sing and dance. I am ready to embrace those who embrace me back and to move away from those who do not. I am ready to write. I am ready to learn to play guitar…a lifelong dream of mine…bucket list for me. I am ready to celebrate five years of sobriety next week. I am ready to fall in love with my girl all over again. I am ready for new relationships with each of the animals here, especially our dogs, as I learn that I do not need to control them. They do just fine without my micromanagement. They have their own dreams and desires and wants and I’m ready to step back and let them be themselves. I am ready to be financially comfortable and secure. I am ready for long hikes with Tamara, snow shoeing and inner tubing…laughing until it hurts and then laughing some more with that beautiful girl. I am ready to wake up from the slumber that has kept me. I am ready to accept what I cannot change. I am ready to not take things personally…to not take you or anyone else personally. I am ready to be of service in any and all ways that I am able. I am love. I am ready to share my love. And so it is.

Wherever you are today, be safe. Slow down and take your time. Enjoy the beauty around you. Give thanks for the wonder and beauty that you are.

I ask everyone to stop what they are doing and to share a moment of solidarity with me, for the beings on this planet who have no food, no water and no shelter this morning. Please, with me, let us send them all of our love, by saying with me;

“God in Heaven, looking down, next to my mom and so many of our moms, please grace us with the angel of Fatima, that she may spread herself like a blanket, over those who need her warmth. God please shine down and grace those suffering and less fortunate, those freezing and without homes…without showers and running water…without food and without the love they deserve this morning. We close our eyes and we pretend they do not exist and God, we are sorry. We look away. We fail these beings, all of them, every single day, in so many ways. God, please right us in our hearts. Please help us to understand and to teach that we are all the same. We were each created equal and then we changed the fucking rules. We are ashamed of ourselves for ever believing that we were more than or better than anyone. We are not in action God. We are sorry only in our words. Please move us to action. Please inspire us to love everyone. Please teach us peace, so that we may know it in our hearts. God, for every single person, the thousands in my city, and for everyone displaced elsewhere God, I ask that you raise up their cries so that we cannot not hear them. We were born into white privilege and we are ignorant enough to think we are not. We have what we have largely based upon the soil we were born on. We are not better than anyone else. Please remove the illusion that we are any more in any way than any other living being. God, many of us don’t believe in you at all, and we just want to throw that out there. Please find your way anyway, to soften our hearts to love. Every homeless person, and there are so, so many…God please touch them that they may feel you and not give up. We aren’t moving quickly enough and so many of our brothers and sisters are suffering and dying before we can reach them. God, please place those of us in action, in places where we can be of more help. Please guide us to more resources. For this moment though, for each suffering and broken and tormented soul who has not known our love, please God, guide us to them, that we may love them. Please break us down so that we may humbly build from the bottom with them, a foundation as solid as the one we were gifted. God, please hear our cries. God, please soften our hearts. God please help us to help our brothers and sisters. And so it is.”

Have a beautiful day everyone. Thank you for praying with me this morning. I love you. Please allow everyone, everywhere to feel my love this morning.

Who are you when you think no one is looking?

Happy early Sunday morning everyone! My girl comes home on this day and I am so excited! I am so happy that she got away and had some time with her family and I am so, so glad she is on her way home to us!

Also, I am so glad that you are here! My blog had been all over the place. I have been all over the place. I’m glad we came back together in the healing room this morning. For all of your love and all of your prayers…thank you. I love you and I pray for you too.

I want to write this morning about how we see one another. How do we see one another? Do we see the God within the person looking back at us? Do we see the God within ourselves peering back in the mirror at us? We are God. God is us. However you do or do not see God…G.O.D Good Orderly Direction (Thank you for that Tamara). God your Savior. It matters not, for We are all just walking each other home. My point is that when we look at one another, we reflect ourselves back. It does not matter who you are looking at…this is true. If you light up at the sight of me you are mirroring a part of yourself that lights you up. If you want to cut me when you see me, and not that that ever happens…you are also mirroring a part of yourself that I trigger in you that you are less than pleased with.

Do you not want me to be better? Do you not want better for me than to see me not being better than you know I have potential to be? Of course you do! The great news is that this means you want this for yourself on some level too. You want to be better than you are. You want to be integrity and to epitomize the reality that integrity is what we do when no one is looking. Let’s talk about integrity for a second, shall we? Recall in this instant the last thing that you saw that didn’t set well with you that you did something to make better? Maybe you picked up a piece of trash. Maybe you helped someone in need. And…maybe you didn’t. Only you know…no one else. Here’s the clincher though, and the one that you completely disregard every single time…YOU know better. YOU are disempowering yourself by not doing better. You…the God within you…your inner moral compass…no matter who you are or what you do…you know. You fucking know. And guess what? So does she. You think that you have fooled yourself and by doing so you have convinced yourself somehow that you have fooled her too. You have not fooled either one of you and you’ve made yourself a fool as the door hits you where the good Lord split you because she doesn’t want to be fooled anymore. You already know she’s gone…your intuition (that is God talking to you by the way) has already spoken. We feel it. We know it. We often don’t want to know and much of the time we don’t know how to know what we have come to know and we know just the same, don’t we? Integrity…that’s who each of us live with or without every single day. What we do when no one is watching is what defines us. If you want to lie to me, be my guest. If you think that by doing so you aren’t doing the most damage to you…I offer you these words…be the change. Tell the fucking truth. It’s easier for one thing because you don’t have to keep track of the lies you told. Most of all though…it’s all we really have. If we can’t trust each other…those closest to us in our very own beds and homes…we need to make some more healthy choices for ourselves, don’t we. If you do not respect me enough to tell me the absolute truth, then please don’t say it at all. Give me you and I will give you me. Those of you who know me well know I’ve done it backwards my whole life…I gave it and hoped you earned it…your trust. It’s your trust. You earn it and we can go from there. For those of you living in lies…for those of you lying…for those of you being lied to…Why? If it’s not true, it’s not real…if it’s not real…look at that and do something about it.

Many of us are consciously working twelve step programs. All of us are working twelve step programs whether we know it or not. If you want to two step your fucking life away, don’t do it on my watch. Not anymore. Be a good and decent human being. Be honest. Practice integrity in all things. Be of service. Go out there and DO it and stop trying to do it. Yoda says that “there is no try, only do.”Go out there and get it and stop fucking whining about not having it. Save the marriage that your pissing away by being unaccountable. Tell her the fucking truth…she already knows so be the person big enough to realize that and own your shit before she asks you again or calls you out again. Love him enough to let him go if he’s really not the one. Let him go find the one. We all deserve the one. Don’t hold on to the one whose not the one because you have not found the one…be a good and kind person. You know what is right and just. Go do that. Be of service. Do something every single day for someone who can never repay you. Most of all though, be honest with yourself. Gut wrenching and soul crushing work…and so worth it. Why would any of us ever want to be with anyone who made us a second choice to anyone else in the first place? Be it a bottle or another woman…another man or a dissatisfaction for the way things are…Why would we stay when they left when they stepped out in the first place? We have to love ourselves better before we can love anyone else better. Loving someone better is a verb. Whatever truth that you have held that came to you during this post…go share that truth with the person you have been lying to and set you both free. Be the change. Be love in action. Integrity…it does matter. What are you doing when you think no one is looking? If you don’t like your answer…get up of your ass and go change it! Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! I love you! Did I mention that my girl comes home today?!

How do I move this mountain?

Good Sunday morning everyone! I woke this morning feeling such gratitude and love for all of the love that flooded Santuario de Karuna yesterday at our work day! To everyone who took time away from their Saturday, their families and their lives to come be here and help us to help these amazing beings…Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I am in the midst of a huge life Change, in terms of how my work in the world is evolving. I have always been called to be of service and I have always answered that calling, to the best of my ability. I know that my mouth and my way of being in the world, my individuality and my charisma…the very things that have hurt me in every career path I have chosen, until I took a huge leap of faith and went out on my own…will be the same qualities that allow me to spread a message that many people cannot hear otherwise.

Biblically speaking, Jesus sent the people who could speak to people who could hear them. The sinners, the hookers…the misfits who desperately needed to be cleansed and healed…were cleansed and healed by people who got them. None of us heal if we cannot even hear the message. I have completely separated myself from organized religion, as I am a spiritual being, having a temporary human experience. I am not now, nor have I ever been religious. I consider myself to be very Spiritual.

I write about this for clarity, as I am open minded and open to whatever beliefs you hold in your heart. I am not here to judge you or to ask you to be like me, and I ask the same courtesy and consideration from each of you. I want to hear what you have to say and I want you to feel comfortable telling me what is in your heart. I really, really do, as that is how I grow. I just ask that you be loving and kind when you say it, so that I will actually be able to hear it. If you are unkind to me, no matter who you are or what your message is, I simply cannot hear you. I just want to put this out there, in the healing room, for all of us…we are walking each other home. We are not all on the same places on our path and that is the diversity and beauty of it all, isn’t it?

I do not want you to be me or to emulate me. I want you to take what you need from what I put out into the universe and simply leave the rest. I do not judge where you are at in your path.

You don’t have to share my beliefs to share my life with me. You do not have to believe in God, and let me be very clear…I do. This is a touchy subject for some and I am exercising as much love and decorum as I can muster to tell you that I believe in a higher power. I believe in something outside of myself. Larger than myself. I believe that I am gifted and that I am merely an instrument for Gods work. I am available and ready and willing and God definitely uses me in mysterious and amazing ways. Only possible because I believe and only available because I am open and willing. You can be sure that God is talking when I speak, if you are really listening. The way I throw it all out there makes it possible for people to hear me and impossible for others to hear me. The drunks and the hookers and the sinners and the misfits, for lack of better words for us, are going to need a person like them to receive their messages and blessings, right? You can think of me in the trenches…I am not in a pulpit. Although I have been, when called to or needed. I am here with you, doing my best to be of service to us all.

Whatever and whomever, even if it starts and ends with yourself, you believe in, I respect that. Atheist, agnostic, spiritual and religious…I’m not here to tell you who you are and what to believe. I have no judgement of how you navigate your journey through this world…I really don’t.

I grew up with a knowing that I cannot explain or quantify of a power outside of myself…not higher or lower…not better or worse…just something more than me. I grew up, every Sunday in church. I was President of my youth group, I gave Sunday sermons and I served on the Area Youth Council. I wrote poetry and sermons, prayers and affirmation, drew and designed bulletins. I spent a great deal of time nurturing my relationship with my God. When I turned 18, I left the church, the church that I was born into. I left for a number of reasons…hypocrisy and judgement…ridicule for my sexuality and my life choices…repeatedly told I was going to hell…I took God with me and I left the “church” and organized religion behind me. I took what served me and I left the rest. I encourage you to do that also. Take what you need and leave here rest.

Wayne Dyer, one of my greatest inspirations and mentors said it in a way that I’ve always carried with me, and I paraphrase, not quote him in my remembrance of his writings;

To an avatar…”I will give you an orange if you show me where God is”.  The avatars response..”I will give you two oranges to show me where God is not.”

I don’t debate about this, nor do I want to defend or answer for how I feel or what I believe. I am putting this out there to give all of you some insight into who I am.

I look at Ahimsa and I hear my Mom. I see the most beautiful forest in my own back yard. I look into the eyes of my girl and our dogs…all beings…and I see God…I see an orchid (thank you B O B) or a sunflower and I didn’t create that…I don’t have that gift, and neither do you. To me, all of the beauty around me, including Tamara and you, were created by something more than me, so to me, it seems clear, that there is, in fact, without a doubt, something more. I call my higher source God. Tamara thinks of G O D as Good Orderly Direction and I agree with her wholeheartedly.

I heard a sermon when I was in high school that referenced God moving mountains. The repeated prayer that God move this mountain for me. After many unanswered prayers, the prayer turned Around,  and there was a wheelbarrow and a shovel. This has always stuck with me. Through the years, and with all of the mountains, God has always given me the wheelbarrow and the shovel and I am so, so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How you move your mountains is entirely up to you. This is how I do it!

Coral does not stand alone. Coral does not do hands on healing with her own hands. Coral does not heal you. Coral is a vessel for and an instrument used to get the message out. Coral is a very flawed human being, being human, making mistakes and fucking up, just like you. Corals Mom left her earthly body and is far from dead. My Mom is right here, with me.

I love an honor people in the flesh. I love and honor those in spirit, those whom I cannot touch with my hands. I pray to and meditate with a higher source, outside of myself. I am a Reiki Master and I take seriously my energy work in love and light. I do not debate religion or politics and yet, on my blog and my pages, I put things that bring me healing, comfort and healing. I share with you, in hopes that you too, will be inspired, heal and inspire others. My opinions? Of course…you are reading my pages and my blog, right? All of those pages and all that they are…fragmented pieces of who I’ve been, who I am and who I am becoming.

I’ve absolutely no expectation of you and your beliefs. I am not here to argue or to debate. I, and my beliefs are not for everyone and hey, that’s okay, right?

So, now you know a little bit more about me and how I believe. I hope this helps! Have a beautiful day! I love you!

Please take a moment before we leave the healing room today and pray for those suffering, I’ve a dear friends Mom lifted up, as high as I can lift. I ask each of you to do what you do, whatever that is, to lift her higher, to love her more and to fill her with love and healing light. However you do it, please send her and her family all of your love, as she is in he midst of some medical stuff that needs skilled medical teams to restore her to health. Please pray with me for our sister, that she be restored to physical, mental and spiritual health. Thank you in advance my friends. I love you! Have a beautiful day!

My world from under the door…love, Aiden (Aiden blogged for his mom today, and for all of us)…

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Good morning everyone! This morning I have to be at the doctor at 7:30am, so I will make this a bit brief. I always want to wish you all a good morning, no matter what, so good morning!

Hey, thanks for being here! What a shit storm, huh? I am healing. I really am. I pray that you are healing too.

I went to see Aiden yesterday and I will tell you one thing, Aiden is life breath for me. Literal life breath and I am thankful, so thankful. Aiden and I get to work with each other every week and yesterday while opening Aidens ribs, and doing lymphatic work, Aiden wanted me to help him to get his voice back. When Aiden was captured, Aiden forfeited his voice. How many of us can relate to that?

The idea for this blog post is Aiden. Aiden wants to talk about the world from under the door. Aiden is 4 pounds and knowing that will help you to see how Aiden can have the perspective that Aiden has.

Aiden and I spent 12 days together, glued together. Every breath…every single one. The in between breaths, where we almost ceased to breathe at all, we breathed together. Aiden and I became one and we remain one, and I am blessed.

Aiden and I hid in recliners. I can count the coils in my head…the coils I counted over and over again, holding Aiden against my heart and breathing for us both. I recount the stale smell and the smell of stagnant smoke…the aged tapestry of the frayed fabric. Aiden and I spent many hours in that recliner. I called it our “hide out” and we fucking hid. Our lives depended upon us being able to hide and rest and reset. On a couple of nights, we couldn’t get to the recliner and so we slept in the belly of a whale. Morgan swam up and saved us on those nights.

Morgan has been denied release and Aiden and I are behind the scenes with Morgan, getting her through this. Aiden and I sleep in Morgan’s belly a lot to keep her company and to assure her that she is never alone, because we promise to always be right there.

Aiden does not discriminate. Aiden does not hold grudges. Aiden never got angry and Aiden has no blame. Truth be told, in all things, Aiden just wants his Mom. Aiden loves his Dad and Aiden loves his siblings. Aiden loves me. Most of all though, Aiden love, love, loves his Mom.

From the room where Aiden and I do our weekly sessions, I watch Aiden, follow his Moms every move, her every single word. “Hi, I’m Dr. Martin…” and Aiden is on! From one end of the wall to the other, sniffing and tail wagging, barking and running like a crazed lunatic, following her every word, listening to her every step, the clicking of her clip board and the number of steps…Aiden knows. Aiden shoved his tiny nose under the door, to his tongue searching the floor for small morsels of treats left behind, just for Aiden. Aiden knows his Mom. Aiden feels her and he is so connected to her that the door really doesn’t separate them at all. Twelve days apart, really did not separate Aiden and his Mom either, because Aiden knew and Aidens Mom and Dad knew and I knew…and all of you knew, that Aiden was coming home. Did I tell you….Aiden is home?!? Aiden is home and the world rejoices!

Aiden came to find me too. Aiden saved me too. On the day of my colonoscopy procedure, I was under anesthesia, after a stressful and particularly long wait, I was asleep so they could do what they needed to do to figure out why I feel like I’m fucking dying.

I really don’t remember too much. Tamara got some lovely video footage…and watching that poor girl struggle…watching Sam struggle through her words…has been very earth shattering for me, very heart wrenching and painful for me. Seeing Sam…in all of her glory…undeniably Sam…begins my healing.

During our procedure, Sam must have wandered off. Sam went to go and find God and find God San did indeed. Sam loves God and she wanted to go and stay with him. God said it was okay and even Coral didn’t fight her on it. Coral has said for forever, when the time comes, Coral and Sam are ready. No fear…no regrets…no worries…we are packed and ready to go anytime. We are good to go. Sam and I aren’t running around trying to take ourselves out….Sam and I are just battered and bruised and fucking exhausted.

Anyway, we were standing before our maker and we were holding his hand and headed toward the rainbow bridge, because that is where we intend to cross over when our time comes, when guess who showed up? None other than Aiden.

Aiden says, “Hey Coral. What are you doing?”….”Hi Aiden. I’m talking to God. God came to take me home.”…Aiden says, “Hi God. I’m here to get Coral and Sam, because the world needs them. You can’t have them yet.”…God says, “You’re right Aiden. You are absolutely right. Do you mind taking them back to their body?”

And that is how it happened…how Aiden and I play virtual ping pong, saving one another is single bounds. We are the epitome of walking each other home.

Aiden…I love you! I love you so, so much! Thank you to Aidens Mom and to Aidens Dad and to Tamara, for letting Aiden and I love each other so much!

Aiden says I love you Morgan! Aiden says thank you to every single one of you who prayed and searched and loved him home. Aiden says he loves you all too…and to remind you that we are all here, waking each other home.

Aiden wants to say something very special to his Mom today…”Hi Mom. It’s me Aiden. I want to tell you that I love you. I love you so, so, so, so, so , so much! I know the day you took me to help me get better was the same day I took your heart. I will share it with you, your heart, and you must know, part of your heart is inside my heart and always with me. Your heart and your heartbeat brought me home. Counting your steps under the door and from behind the walls, helped me to keep countof you. All of your steps and your words and your heartbeats, I keep count of them all and so I always know where your are. I knew I felt I kept counting, you would step to me. I never knew anything different. I always knew you would come. Coral says you will always, always, forever and a million days and more, even to infinity and beyond…come to get me. I love you Mom. I love you Dad. I love you Jackson. Jackson, don’t play blame game either …okay?”

So, there you have it…Aidens morning blog for all of you today…can we all say it togethrrr, from the deepest places in our hearts…”I love you Aiden. Welcome home!”

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Flowers from my sister…Happy Birthday Michele!!!!!

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My blog today is dedicated to my sister Michele. Happy Birthday sister! Thank you for my beautiful flowers for today’s journey. I blog about the good stuff and the hard stuff today, in honor of a woman who sees the light and the beauty in both…my sister Michele.

I hope that you are well. I am unwell and about to head to the doctor so we can figure out why I feel unwell.

I have some serious trauma in my life, which sadly involves all doctors offices also.  Routine visits, especially diagnostic visits have me literally crawling out of my skin.

My ass turned and revolted on me about five weeks ago. The pain is nauseating and has spread into my abdomen. I have been hanging on, by a very thin thread, for this appointment. With that being said, I ask for all of your love and prayers and positive vibes today. I feel myself flailing and floating around in the abyss that is my life, with little grounding, this morning. I pray that I find my footing, so I can reach the ground, so that I can adult for Sam and I today.

I come here to write about something more uplifting today. Today I want to write about flowers from my sister!

My sister lives in California and yesterday, I received flowers from her. Given where we live, I guess I never even entertained the idea that they would deliver flowers out here. Apparently she and Tamara worked very hard to orchestrate this endeavor, and how beautiful, to get flowers from my sister!

As many times as my sister has reminded me not to be afraid. My sister knows that I am in terrifying and petrifying fear right now, and she loves me anyway. My sister sent me flowers for my appointment today, not because she is scared for me…because she feels me. I love you sister, so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I have always heard that ignorance is bliss, and I think that is bullshit, by the way. I think that when this appointment was rescheduled by the doctors office, from it’s original date on April 4th to today, I thought that maybe, ignorance was bliss. The pain would be the trade off for another week of not knowing, just in case the news is bad news.

I haven’t wanted to draw any negativity to any of this and so, as quickly as scary thoughts come up, I have tried to sit with them briefly and then invite them to leave. I won’t lie though, I have wondered, what if this is it?

The amount of cancer in my family is astounding, and so I can’t ignore all of the statistics. My pain tolerance is pretty fucking high and we have blown my pain chart off of the fucking wall in the past five weeks. I have been praying for hemorrhoids, for fucks sake! If you know me at all, you know damn well that I do not pray for hemorrhoids, ever! Actually, and more truthfully, I have prayed that Gods will be done, whatever that may be and that I have what it takes to accept that, whatever it may be.

I cannot even begin to describe the horror I have of asses, my own ass included. I am an ass phobe of the most intense kind. I do not look at, touch, talk to, reference literally or otherwise draw any attention, to my ass, and here I am, in all of my asinine glory, blogging about my very injured ass. There is such tremendous irony in all of this…such a large and heaping helping, of the really hard stuff that I ordered, dropped by a bulldozer, right on my fucking head.

I know to be more specific..I would like a small portion, at first, nicely placed and touching nothing else, on my plate please. As I often do, I failed to be specific…I just said to “teach me one of them harder lessons…lay me down” (Thank you Nahko). So, here I have it…I couldn’t imagine a harder lesson, geographically speaking, on my body than my own ass. I thought I clearly said, “lay me down”, and not lay me out…so, lesson learned, be careful of and more specific about what you ask for. I got exactly what I asked for.

Flowers from my sister, I did not ask for, and what a beautiful blessing! Truly, one of the most beautiful blessings we can offer another is to see and meet them where they are at, no matter where that is, and to love them just the same.

Today is my sisters Birthday and I am celebrating Her all day! I am so loved and so blessed and so provided for…I wasn’t born with this sister. God brought my sister to me, special delivery. There were not fragile” labels plastered all over that box, just one. My sister is a warrior, and she gives me strength today, on her Birthday, for my journey.

Today, while blogging with Benny, next to the flowers from my sister, I say a little prayer of Gratitude and Thanksgiving, for the beautiful sister that God hand-picked and delivered for me…Happy Birthday Michele! I love you to the moon and back! On, this the day of your birth, I say thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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Your need for control is the first sign that you are afraid…

Good morning! I am so glad you are back! Today I am feeling really passionate about my concern for the world we are living in…my concern for my safety…for your safety…for the safety of our children and our elders, our Moms and our Dads, our educators and our working class…our brothers and our sisters…

I will not debate gun control with anyone and I will not debate politics or even talk politics or religion with anyone…most of the time…

Today though, I want to point out that guns do not kill people. Period. Guns, lying loaded on a table, untouched by human hands, do not kill anyone. Period.

Just because I love you, here is another fun fact…forks do not make people fat. Did you know that? Some people, many people, do not know that forks do not make people fat.

Do you know hat 500 million straws will fill over 127 school buses each day, or more than 46,400 school buses every year. 500 million straws per day is an average of 1.6 straws per person (in the US) per day.

So, just to be clear, straws destroy the planet and our marine family…but they only kill our family, if we use them. If we stopped using straws, reduced our straw print…we would stop killing our marine family.

We are the ones holding the straws and the guns and the forks, are we not? I have a drawer full of forks and I weigh about 110 pounds.

In my entire lifetime, including my time as an armed messenger guard for Loomis Fargo, I have never shot anyone, not ever once.

I have a reusable straw, which I am well aware I do not use 100% of the time….and there is no try…I need to fucking commit to not ever using another plastic straw again, ever. Fuck…I walked right into that one, didn’t I? Okay, I publicly commit, to never using another plastic straw again…if I don’t have my reusable straw, I will go without a straw, from this moment forward. (Please be gentle with me and with yourself, as your awareness elevates and your awareness opens up…if you see me with a straw, gently remind me that I made a commitment to Mother Earth…and I will develop new practices…and hey, so will you…if we help each other and hold each other accountable, in nothing but love and kindness…).

In my small East Mountain Community, we are being inundated with violence. There are plenty of people, with guns, killing people.

Our gas attendant, Mike, was gunned down at Smith’s gas station in Edgewood, by seven other people. Mike went to work that day, just like every other day, I suppose. Mike never made it back to his car to drive home and his car sat right where he parked it, for days and days, with flowers and candles and love notes piling up. Isn’t it strange how a car no one ever noticed or even gave a shit about, became our common place to offer condolences, share tears and love and memories?

The gun that fired the bullets that eventually killed Mike, had men behind them. The men and women behind the guns, the legislation behind the guns…isn’t this what we should be addressing? Not the fucking gun…No more than the vehicles driven in cases of vehicular manslaughter kill people, do guns, used in violent crimes kill people…Hurt people kill people.

I think it’s fair to say that if you fire a gun at an unarmed and defenseless person, you might be a hurt people…and hurt people hurt people…we live in a world full of hurt people, hurting people.

The concern over taking God out of government and schools…I prefer to look at this a little differently, and the way I see it is this:

( and please remember that I am not writing to debate, I write to heal myself…that’s it…This is not a forum for debate or nasty commentary…thank you in advance for your decorum).

I believe that you have to stand for something or you will fall for anything. (Thank you Aaron Tippin…I listened to this song my whole life growing up). YOU have to know what YOU stand for. Do not allow yourself to be influenced by the opinion of others who have not even begun to awaken yet.

I personally believe in a higher power. I believe that there is something more, something bigger, something greater than myself. I believe that I came from somewhere and that I am journeying somewhere. I believe that God has me, in all things.

I grew up going to church every Sunday until I was eighteen years old. I am so thankful for the spiritual foundation this has given me. I am not religious, not even a little bit and I never was. I am probably one of the most spiritual people you will ever meet and I believe in something more than myself.

We cannot take God out of a school or a government that he was never present in, in the first place. God isn’t out there flying around, fucking with you, God is in you. God is you and you are God.

This is a paraphrase to one of my favorite quotes from Dr. Wayne Dyer, who was quoting someone else, that I cannot recall in this moment:

“I will give you and orange if you can show me where God is and the Avatar replies, I will give you two oranges if you can show me where God is not.”

Unfortunately, religious fanatics and people who are willing to judge and persecute, to misuse and abuse, in Gods very name, have made things confusing for us all.

I grew up believing what I was taught and when I was old enough to vote, I registered republican, because I was supposed to. Don’t we all do that? We mimic the people we look up to, that we love the most…and we take on their beliefs and their views of the world, as though they are our own. I know I did and I know that I appreciate the input…I appreciate more, my own individuality and my own views and my own beliefs. So for me, it’s simple, I am going to go with what I believe…and isn’t that why we are all here in the first place, to figure that out?

I believe most of all, that I am entitled and you are entitled, to our own beliefs, whatever they may be. I also believe that I am in charge of my body and you are in charge of your body. I believe that I am responsible for my actions and you are responsible for your actions. We also, must all realize, that as much as we are able to make our own choices, we are also responsible for the consequences of our actions.

Gun control, fork control, birth control and building a wall to keep people who do not “belong “ out…this is all control and it is a mute fucking point. The need for control, in actuality, is the admission that you have no control at all, and that you are fucking scared.

If you want to look weak and bewildered…ignorant and intolerant…make sure that you are in control, at all costs. Ask me…I have spent the greater part of 44 years, trying to regain control that was ripped from me before I ever even knew what the fuck it was in the first place.

So, I am going to go grab a fork out of my kitchen drawer and eat something for breakfast. I will have my OJ, no straw. I will quietly give thanks in my heart for the abundance and blessings in my life. I will embrace my beautiful girl and head out into the world to spread some love, love, love…