Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Nahko Bear slumber party number 11 and counting…

Happy Monday everyone! Welcome home! I am so glad we are all here! Truly…just look at us! We fucking made it! We made it to today! How many of you thought you might not make it to today? I am so glad you never gave up! I am so happy to see your beautiful face! I love you so much!!! And for being HERE…thank you…for never giving up, thank you…for loving yourself enough to stick around and see what the fuck you are made of…I applaud you! We have fucking got this! Fuck depression! Fuck Cancer and Fuck Depression…just fuck you guys! Go somewhere else…like back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. Be gone now…on your way…bye bye. I banish the way that these things affect, me from my life experience. And so it is!

Nahko Bear and I just had our eleventh slumber party in the studio last night. These days and these nights…this silence and this grace…this rest and reset space and time…napping with Nahko…putting everything she needs before my own…being still…and did I say silent…this time with Nahko has blessed me beyond my own comprehension, and I am so grateful. Nahko is recovering nicely and being a very good girl! We are blessed beyond measure to have the baby bears to watch over everyone here at the Sanctuary. We love you Nahko Bear and Mala Bear! Thank you for keeping us all safe!

I work with dogs and live with dogs every day if my life. This time with Nahko Bear has been different. Like two kindred souls in shared space…not canine and human…just souls…just us. I know being here with her is bringing me home to the other five dogs up the driveway. I know being apart from our family has brought our family closer together. Somehow, absence of the things we love the most, really has made my heart softer and fonder. Nahko Bear is gentle and strong and steadfast and loyal…obstinate and true to herself…guarded and wide open…serious and playful…sleepy and bouncy…and always love. There is always love radiating from Nahko Bear and so I have been bathed in love and I am so fucking blessed!

On a side note, because I love you…I want to tell you about our new soap for the Sanctuary! I just showered with our new “Karuna” soap that Earth & Anchor creates for the Sanctuary! This soap is the most amazing soap I have ever used. Truly, it is an androgynous soap and it balances masculine and feminine perfectly! This soap suits me and I thank David and Deidre for being love like a verb when they created this soap for the animals . I feel the love in this soap and being clean is a nice bonus too! The best part is that 50 % of the proceeds go to the animals. What a wonderful way to support the animals you love so much, right?! Anyway, you should get you some! I’m just sayin…sharing is caring and I want to share this soap with everyone! Off of my soapbox about our soap now 🙃

As I was saying about slumbering down here with Nahko Bear…I feel blessed. I choose to feel blessed, rather than to feel put out. I feel quiet and still and so I am quiet and I am still. I pray and I meditate and then I sit quietly and just be. I wouldn’t have allowed myself the time to do this had Nahko Bear not needed me to be down here with her. Things that we look at begin to change when we begin to change the way we look at things. Even in depression, I will ride these waves of inspiration and clarity into my own healing. And so it is. I pray for you, the same…that you may find your peace and your contentment in all things and that your heart may always be full. We are here to walk each other home and so on my good days, I’m going to blow us up as high as I can! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

Oh, and we have soap! Not sure if I mentioned that or not…check us out on Facebook at Santuario de Karuna. We would love for you to be part of our compassionate community! Have a beautiful day!

And the baby bear sleeps!!!!!

Happy Sunday everyone! Nahko and I are happy to announce that we slept last night! And Nahko is eating as we speak! And we just had our morning pee! These are the things that life is made of…these little celebrations that I often find myself too busy to celebrate. I am so blessed to be here with Nahko in the studio…so, so blessed. I feel that there are many lessons for us and even more blessings for us in this recovery and healing time together. Nahko is a gentle and wonderful teacher and I am blessed to have her.

The flip side of being in here with Nahko Bear is not being there with Tamara. I miss Prajna and Taos and Aliah and Rocky and Karma Kitty and Mala Bear too! Nahko and I see Karuna and Ahimsa a lot more though, which is wonderful! Tamara and I are good at flexing and we are getting better at it every moment!

Yesterday a volunteer canceled at the last hour. I got the text as I was hurrying home from a client and Tamara was in the studio with Nahko Bear, waiting for me and the volunteer to get there. I lost my composure for a moment, I won’t lie. ‘Twas Tamara who brought me down and reminded me of something I think we could all benefit from hearing. And so, I share it with you now.

When people volunteer here at the Sanctuary, it is a privilege to do so. To be here, in this space, with these amazing beings, in Sanctuary, is a privilege. There is nothing that will not get done if no one volunteers, that must be done. Everyone will be taken care of and have food and water and shelter. And Tamara is not wrong. Thank you for reminding me of this baby. Volunteer work is personal growth work and a privilege to have the opportunity to be a part of! Being of service is the blessing. Do what you love and love what you do. We are thankful, grateful and blessed up in here!

Right now it will be getting done with one arm behind our back, so to speak. Yesterday, over 600 pounds of feed was moved, multiple Sanctuary posts went up and in honor of National Pig Day, Sidney had beautiful reflections posted on our Facebook page, 42 beings were fed twice and watered. Pellets were hauled up the driveway and the pellet stove cleaned and lit. Dishes were done and dishes were done again. Laundry in progress and all in her PJs…4.9 miles and a lot of those miles uphill…and all I could do was sit in here listening to Nahko cry and watching my girl give it all she had. Tamara was ready to drop and she did not drop. Nahko needed me and everyone else needed Tamara. Tamara has never once not had everyone here, including me. And then the Jeep left the driveway to go feed our neighbors donkeys. The Jeep rolled back in and a short while later, Tamara walks through the studio door with dinner for me. One more time down the driveway so that I could potty and get ready for bed, give everyone a quick kiss and tuck them in for the night, my girl, exhausted in her PJs, kissed me goodnight. So if you ever think that one person does not matter or make a difference, I am here to tell you that you are mistaken. You do matter. You do make a difference. Don’t deny yourself of your health and happiness by not showing up and participating in your life. Volunteers volunteer for themselves, for their souls evolution and progress.

Nahko Bear needs one of us all of the time for a while, and so it is. We are so blessed to be able to love her how she needs to be loved. Asleep by my side, Nahko is so glad we are able to love her like that too.

Never give away your happy. Truly, just don’t fucking do it. I’m preaching to the fucking choir here and I’m the first to know that. Depression grabs me by ovaries that I don’t even fucking have anymore and twists them and wrenches them and crushes them under her feet. There is no mercy in depression. There is no fucking reprieve from the abyss that consumes me when PTSD and depression battle it out. I’m a fucking puppet and nothing except for helping someone else saves me. I was in such and abyss, in such a deep, deep abyss standing at VCA Thursday night picking up Nahko Bear. Nahko suddenly needed me a lot more than depression could hold me. Coral grabbed her PTSD and called Sam up to help her care for Nahko perfectly, as Sam is perfect. I was saved from myself and my own demons as I came to the aid of another. I was back here and now because Nahko Bear was hurt and she needed all of me. Thank you Nahko Bear for needing me so much that I had to come out of the abyss to help you. Nahko Bear has done far more for me than I could ever possibly do for her. Thank you Nahko Bear. Thank you Tamara for being as you are, for loving as you do. I love you baby! You are amazing!

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! Get out of yourself and be of service today. It may save your life. God knows it has saved mine many, many times. I love you!

Thankful to be outside today, doing something…

Good evening. I hope you had a good Monday. I have been working outside today and that felt nice. I am hurting like hell now, and I thought I would sit and write a spell. I am just not that focused. Maybe I will just sit a spell and write later. Maybe this is all I’ve got because I gave it all I had on my little project. Yes. Yes. I think this is all I’ve got for this day.

I do have one more thing, the most important thing….I am so grateful and so thankful and so blessed. To be outside in nature, doing something…I am fucking thankful. The other thing is that I love you and I am so glad you are here. Have a beautiful evening. This girl is D & D.

Taking a moment to be thankful…so thankful…

Good evening! Tonight I just want to take a couple of moments to be thankful…to just really, really sit in gratitude. Thank you for joining me.

Sometimes I get so busy and caught up in everything going on and I forget to stop and just be thankful for what I have, for who I have, in my life.

I know I’ve been away for a while. I was unable to even think about coming back, until recently. I am ready to walk back into my life. Thank you for waiting for me to return, and for being here when I got back.

Everything looks and feels different. I can’t explain it, only that it feels strange.

I feel like a visitor, an outsider in my own life and yet I feel right at home…it’s all just so surreal.

Today was a tough “Mom day” for me. Being in pain has seemed to heighten my awareness of my Moms absence. I’m not sure why…when I am sick and hurting though, I sure do miss my Mommy.

We are purging and creating space…repurposing all we can, donating and selling what we can. It feels really nice to be clearing space.

Amazing how nice the open space feels. The absence of things we don’t need is a much welcome opening for the great things coming into our lives.

Things that we no longer need are finding amazing homes, where they are needed and wanted and appreciated and we are grateful.

I have to tackle some of my personal items tomorrow…memories and clothes…photos and letters. I need to purge those things and keep what I need and send the rest back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all.

Creating space for my writing and giving the studio an uplifting makeover…enjoying the space that we are creating here, as stewards of this amazing and blessed space…and I am so thankful.

I have someone to kiss good night who has taken such amazing care of me while I have been hurting so deeply, and physically wretched over in pain, for days and days.

I couldn’t be more thankful to have the unconditional love of my girl, of Ohana and my friends. I truly am blessed and before I lie my head down tonight, I just wanted to say so.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am blessed to be finding my way back into my life and I am so glad you are here with me!

Have a beautiful rest of your weekend and know that you are loved!

Writing to get it all out…

I am back for a third writing today! Thank you for being here! Always a reminder that I write to heal myself, to get it all out. I am honoring a commitment that I made to myself to blog for 365 consecutive days, for an hour a day, at minimum. I am finding that I am very drawn to writing more than that and I am pleased.

Damn…pain like this, with no pain killers, no alcohol…this is brand new to me. I am completely exhausted from the pain, nauseated from the pain and acutely aware of the pain, although I am having difficulty describing the pain.

Writing takes me away from the pain and so today, for the third time, I write.

I am very aware of all things. All things in me and all things around me. I have ignored me, for my whole lifetime. I have avoided the mirror and dressed quickly, so I wouldn’t have to look at me, so you wouldn’t have to look at me.

I have had some amazing people in my life. The right People, somehow always show up, at the right time and I am thankful.

I have been a hot fucking mess. Those of you who have known me well, definitely know this to be true…a hot fucking mess I say. For the very first time, I truly am embracing that me, the hot fucking mess me…

I will tell you that she truly is something! Embracing her, rather than shunning her and forgiving her, rather than punishing her…holding her close, instead of pushing her away. Loving her with all of my heart, instead of pretending not to know her at all…being as interested in her as I am everyone else…what a difference this has made.

I stumbled around in search of me and I didn’t even know I was so lost. I struggled to find love and never even realized how worth it I was…how worth it I am. I failed to know that I have always been love. I have been lost and misguided and a hot fucking mess, and somehow, at my core, I have always been love.

I honestly do not think that I can be anyone else. I have tried, to no avail, to be who everyone wanted me to be. At the end of the day, I am still me…still love.

I could forgive everyone for everything ever done to me and yet I could not forgive myself for the things I did wrong. I could not possibly apologize enough or make it all right. I could not write enough letters to convey how sorry I was, ever.

Looking back, I think I apologized the most profusely when I was hurt the deepest. I was wronged and I couldn’t apologize enough, for whatever I did to deserve being so wronged in the first place. I look back now, from a sober and healthy place and I think I apologized so much because…I so needed to be apologized to.

I called you because I so badly needed the call. I texted because I needed a text from you so much. I said I love you because I really, really needed to hear it from you. I said I am sorry, because I am sorry. I said I am sorry incessantly because, somewhere deep inside of me, I needed to know that you were sorry too.

I did not know that things did not work that way. No one told me that’s not how it works. You didn’t text me or call me too much, did you? You responded a lot, to my texts and I missed that. I missed that what I mistook as you wanting me, like I wanted you, was you responding to my desperation. Or was it? Maybe I was responding to your desperation.

At any rate, with all of that desperation, with all of that unfulfilled want and need, I can tell you that I still loved you with all I had. I can promise you that and if you know me at all, you already know that.

I fear that you do not know me at all. I go into the deepest place of despair knowing this…that you do not reach for me anymore. Your efforts to reach me are empty and distant and sporadic…nothing I can count on anymore.

When you do call, you aren’t really there and you never ask about me anymore. You forget important days that you always honored in our lives. If I question you, you get short and angry and shut down. I am finding that I don’t know you at all and the pain of that is almost more than I can handle.

I am learning things I have never known and I am grateful. One thing I have learned for certain is that I do not ever want anyone in my life who does not want to be here. I cannot know why I ever begged anyone to stay, and yet I know I did beg and grovel and try harder, so that you would stay.

I don’t do that anymore. I woke up one day and decided that felt pretty fucking shitty, that it had always felt fucking shitty, and I decided not to be where I am not wanted.

I know there is much confusion for me in that your words, or your lack of words…your lack of all things…do not align with your actions. I have never known this you and I will tell you what…I am not sure I want to.

And so I stay back…I honor the distance you placed between us and I raise you a few steps, to keep my heart safe.

I watch you walk away, actually, you kind of ran, didn’t you? Like ripping off a bandage…just get it over with and be done.

I hear you. All of the words you are not saying and all of the uncomfortable silence. I notice your absence and I miss you, more than you will ever know. I guess I finally just miss me more than I miss you.

My journey back to my true self is proving to be a long and winding, often difficult road.

I always thought you would be here when I finally found my way, when I started to figure it out…when I started becoming the me that I am. I thought you would be my biggest fan…running alongside me and cheering me on. Alas, you are not…and I am saddened…and so it is…sadly, so it is.

I respect your journey. I honor your unspoken need for space. I love you just the same and I just wanted you to know that I notice your absence and I miss your presence.

I also want you to know that I honor me now, before everyone else. I don’t call so I can hear from you and I don’t text to get texts back. I don’t apologize to get apologies and I don’t beg people to stay.

I learned a lot, being the girl who couldn’t let go. I hurt a lot being the girl who got let go. I thought something was wrong with me and now I realize that maybe I’m just not for you, and maybe someday, I will find a way for that to be okay…just not today.

The blessings and the curse of being intuitive…

Good evening! I am having a hard day today and so I first want to say thank you to my chosen family for choosing me. I love you Ohana! Thank you!

I made a commitment to myself to blog every day for 365 days and today is a fucking push for sure. Hard, hard therapy…harder day yesterday…and I am intuitive, so I feel it coming, before it comes…

Imagine knowing what was about to happen and it doesn’t happen right then, and sometimes, it has happened right then…and you couldn’t know, because you were not there, and yet, you saw it, like you were there…and then, what you saw, when you saw it, was actually happening…

As an Animal Communicator and Reiki Master, that is my God given gift and I am so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

As a lover, many times, that has been such a fucking curse…and I have never hated being right more than I hate being right about someone being with someone else, when they are with me. (This is not my current situation).

As a “friend” and as a daughter…as a sister and a friend…knowing the very thing you don’t want to know and not being able to unknow or un-feel it…

My childhood abuse was so horrific that, at times, I had to leave my body, as it was being brutalized, just to survive. I literally came out of my body and hovered above, holding space, until I could safely re-enter so that poor little girl would survive. As I hovered above Sam, I saw and heard and felt and tasted everything that happened to her…broken bones and ripped flesh…I couldn’t stay in or I would have died…

I made a choice…a choice to go back in…a choice I made again yesterday, after horrific pain…I came back in, and today, after a really, really hard therapy…I came back in again…

That is why I believe that I can see the things I see…because I lived a very large part of my life, hovering above myself, watching my world, from outside of my own body, just so I could stay here..

Intuition that has felt very much like a curse has saved my life more times than I can count. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Intuition is my job, and I am grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

On this day, that is all I’ve got…as I feel like I have been run over by a fucking truck…and I am grateful, for I still feel…even after everything, I can still feel and I am grateful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Good night and I hope you have amazing rest and beautiful dreams…love, love, love…

Some observations as I come back to life…

As I begin to walk back into my life…as I emerge anew…the world looks and feels different to me…

Surreal and intangible is the place I’ve been residing in…like a vortex and very hard to pull myself out of…an undercurrent comes and pulls at me from underneath me…And I refuse to let it pull me under…at least not today…

Twelve-stepping through life…one day at a time…and I am so thankful to be past one second, one minute, one hour…of barely surviving…the days are looking brighter and I am so grateful!

I know a lot of you have followed this storm for the past couple of years on Facebook…where I shared our journey, from my Moms diagnosis, to present…and I just want to say thank you…I feel you and I appreciate you. Thank you  Thank you. Thank you.

I know people close to me, who have lost their companion, closest to them recently…and I feel you…and I am so sorry…I am so very, very sorry for your heart…and I know that my sorry, doesn’t help the huge crack that just split through your heart…and still…I am feeling you and I am sorry that you are hurting…

I got lots of advice…and all of it was over my head, out of my reach…most of it didn’t make much sense to me…I lived in a very confused and unreachable place…grief had set in and grief had taken over…and I was sure, many times, that I would never get out…

I have recently set up a drawer system, to help me to put things aside, until I am able to deal with them…because everything flying at me, all at once, it has been really debilitating.

Death can surely bring out the ugly in people…and the things you never even imagined you would ever see, you will see…and you won’t want to see it and you will cover your eyes and scream to mute the insanity…and you will still feel the ugly…

In the beginning, everyone will show up and surround you…culturally, that is how we do it…and then everyone leaves,and this is where some people will exit permanently…and you will feel so alone…so alone…and the good news is that you are not alone really…

As I re-emerge, I realize that many people have fallen away, or maybe I pushed them away…at any rate, my load is much lighter now…and your load will be lighter too.

You will realize, as I am realizing now, that those who are meant to, will still be here, with arms wide open, to receive you, just as you are…

Those who are not meant to stay and those that you push away…some of them will stay gone, and you must not be discouraged, as I was…because the people who stepped away, for whatever reason, they cleared space for people who really, really want to be here…

I won’t lie…this hurt me deeply…like to my fucking core…excruciating to feel that the people I can’t reach anymore, are the people who I shared the biggest part of myself with…my life, my time…my story…my love and my trust..gone…and did I say myself?

I shared myself and my journey…I was filleted wide opened…I was in my most vulnerable place, ever…and some people took take advantage of that…

In life and in death…people are people and hurt people hurt people. I have been a hurt people, hurting the people that I didn’t want to hurt…I didn’t mean to and I know I have hurt people, people who needed and wanted more from me…I am deeply sorry for any hurt I caused…all consumed in my own hurt, I hurt people…and I am sorry…

We are all just walking each other home and we are all going to fuck up…every single one of us is going to make some mistakes. Some of our mistakes will cost us more than others…and I have had some pretty huge price tags on some of my fuck ups…

For me, trust is the most important thing…if I can trust you, we can work almost anything out. The moment that I can’t trust you, I completely lose my way. I also completely lose my mind…when shit does not add up, my mind grabs that and computes and recounts and adds and subtracts, until it makes sense, until it’s righted…and when it’s not righted, when it won’t add up, I can’t stay in that space…I won’t stay…I have learned, that for me, if there is no trust, there is nothing else…and I won’t stay, if I can’t trust you…

This works both ways for me…and I won’t stay if you can’t trust me either…the discomfort and the guilt of being dishonest…almost worse than being lied to, is me lying…and the few times I have done it, I have almost completely self-destructed, before coming clean or being caught…I cannot live in what is not true and real…I have never been able to be where things are secretive, hidden or when I am told to not say anything to anyone…

Did you know that asking someone to keep something secret for you, can actually be very damaging to that person too? We do not need to hold stuff like that and I won’t anymore…If you tell me something in confidence, I will keep your confidence…I will, however, not do this if it is going to harm me or anyone else, and I will say so…and I don’t do secrets…secrets and don’t tell So and so…that is what allowed years and years and years of perpetual abuse…and I won’t hold space for that, for anyone, ever again…I also don’t ask people to hold that kind of space for me…

Every day, we learn and every day, we have a choice…and if we have made a bad choice, there is always today to make it right…or to accept the consequences of our actions…either way, for me, I will always ask you for the truth, because I need that. If you cannot or will not give me the truth, I will have to keep a distance from you, to keep me safe.

Learning to set boundaries is very new for me, so I am practicing…I am learning that it is okay, if I don’t want to be somewhere, to not be somewhere…and I never knew that, until recently…I mean, I never REALLY knew that…

You may want to know that too…if you don’t already…your life…your rules…and if you have surrounded yourself by people who cannot honor who you are and care deeply about you and what you want and what you need, hey, those aren’t your people…

I had to disappear for a bit, to find my way, after I lost my guide…literally, I lost the person who guided me, from the day I was conceived, until the day she died…and I was not only lost, I was also pretty nearly destroyed by it…

I am happy to say that I was not destroyed by the death of my Mom. I was not destroyed by the horrific abuse inflicted upon me, year after year, after year, for the first eighteen years of my life. I will not be destroyed by the things that hurting me deeply right now…I survive…