Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

My life either needs to end or my life needs to begin…

Happy Saturday everyone! I am so glad you’re here! I am struggling to be here and so I apologize in advance. I come this morning to shift my thinking and my attitude, that I spend my life in gratitude and in the present moment. I have done all I can do with what is behind me. I have tried my best and I know that everyone else tried their best too. When our best doesn’t feel good enough, it is a good time to remind ourselves that giving it all we’ve got is really all we’ve got to give. If that’s not enough…your best, my best, maybe we’ve just been giving our all, to the wrong people. Time to re-evaluate and to turn inward…the time is now to walk away from what does not serve our highest good. We have the right to leave. Especially when staying is only killing our soul and delaying the inevitable anyway.

On my long drive yesterday, I finally let it all go. I know things I wish I could not know. I feel things that have rendered me forever changed. I hurt in ways that most people will never know or imagine. I have endured betrayal so vile and destructive that I almost took my own life because of it. I am thankful to know the things I’ve come to know and I am also fractured because of this knowing. I am healing and broken in this knowing and I have no other way to be.

People tend to rip these wounds wide open a lot. With gaping wounds and salt in hand, people have taken advantage of my disposition. Words and ill intentions…judgement and ridicule abound, and I simply let it all trail off behind me yesterday on that freeway. I simply let it all go. Places and people and names and remembrances…judgement and regrets…fears and vendettas…I just let it all fade away behind me. It’s not gone and yet it’s not right here, debilitating me this morning. The nothingness of it all is unfamiliar to me. Most welcome, this nothingness. Thank you for the nothing that replaces my past, and locks it safely away, until a lesson is needed from the archives.

We all have our own vaults, where we archive our lives. My vault has been cleared out and condensed down. There is nothing here that I need to take with me now. The pictures I choose are in my mind and etched into my heart. The cards and letters…the memories I held on to, they shall be returned to the universe by fire. I take nothing forward with me from this era of my life. I leave it behind, where it belongs. I detach it’s hold on me and all of its power. I throw sage upon the flames and as I turn to leave, I throw you right up on top, to be returned and cleansed and healed. All of the love I have left for you…I throw that up there too, as I don’t carry it anymore. I will never deny it. I will not speak of it again though. I will not lay my eyes upon you or speak of you again. Our business is complete here and I bid you farewell. May God bless you and keep you. May he shine his face down upon you and offer you peace.

Yesterday I acted out a conscious decision to detach from the people in my life who have hurt me and harmed me…raped me and brutalized me…mocked and berated…hated and plotted against me. I spoke their names and I sent each of them on their way, cleansed and forgiven, free to be. I’ve no need to hold these things any longer. I’ve no place for this pain. I’ve no desire for relationship or closure with these individuals. I cut any cords that bind us and I release us from one another. Your energy holds no power here any longer, nor mine over you. We are free to be free from one another. And so it is.

I realized that my life either needs to end or my life needs to begin. The space in between has been excruciating and so I step out. I take my first step into my new life this morning, the life that I am here to live. My legs are shaky and my heart breaks a little, as I feel that you are really gone. Thank you for going. Thank you for finally letting me go. My life cannot be lived, it will only ever be painful, as long as you are in it. So, thank you for going and leaving me to people who want to love me. You are free to go. You and I are done here. Be well.

This concludes this morning’s blog and any relationship in my life that has caused me more sorrow than joy, more pain than happy and more betrayal than loyalty. I bid you all farewell. I wish you well. I am making room for those of you who actually want to be here. And so it is.

Just for today, let us all be love

Good morning everyone. I really am struggling to write as of late. I’ve got a lot going on that I don’t have any words for and a lot that doesn’t deserve words. I am in a lot of pain and thankful for the lessons. I know this too shall pass and I am looking forward to the day it does. In the meantime, hank you for your love and prayers. Thank you for holding me up and for loving me through.

In my dreams at night, I have been going through my files and deleting what doesn’t serve me. I am cleaning out my house. I am making room. I am clearing energy and rearranging my space. Purging and healing and falling apart…all so I can build me the way that I really am.

Life doesn’t wait for us. Life doesn’t stop until we catch up. Our past does not have to determine our future. In my case, my past had simply prepared me for my calling. As I suit up, I am grateful for the lessons that built this armor. I am grateful for the hell that opens me to my own divinity. I have no regrets. I strive to be free and to allow others their freedom also. I strive to let go and allow others the same freedom for themselves.

Sorting things out has taken me down roads that have broken my heart. I have seen and remembered things that I will never understand or forget. I must not stay in the darkness, for I am the light.

I know that to many, I seem like someone who I am not. To others, I am clearly who I am. To some, I am an open book and to some, I have become closed. I, like you, have unpublished chapters. I, like you, am just learning how to do this thing called life. Doing my best and showing up every day to begin again….and some days that’s all I’ve got.

There is so much hate and judgement…so much intolerance and abuse…and this girl just can’t look at all of it right now. Kids and animals being tortured, abused, exploited and killed…sick adults parading around as parents. And all of us, like what in the fuck do we do? How did this happen and how do we fix it?

We fix it with love. We heal with love. We come home to love. We will never get from here to there as long as we are busy pointing out the flaws in each other. We will never rise by stepping on top of each other. We will never succeed by pointing out other peoples failures. We must stand united or we will crumble divided. We just don’t get it, that we have missed the whole point of being here in the first place. We came here to grow and evolve and to love and to walk each other home. We did not come here to divide and conquer. We did not come here to separate ourselves and to color-code ourselves. We didn’t come here to fall apart. We came here to come together. We must set our weapons down and end the war that we perpetuate daily, simply by pointing out our differences, instead of embracing our similarities.

Don’t take my word for it. Look at yourself. Do you love, like a verb, every day when you go out into the world? Do you see yourself in everyone and everyone in you? Do you love with all of your heart? Be the change my friends. Be the change. We cannot change what was before us. We must change what is before us now though, if we don’t want to be who we have always been. To evolve is to wake up. To wake up is to know we have been asleep.

I hope you have a beautiful day today. More than that, I hope you do something to make someone else’s day beautiful. That is why we are here, you know? We are here to love each other home. Let us each be only love today. Just for today, let us all be love.

Thankful for a good day!

Today has been a beautiful day…a new day…a true day and I am grateful. Life has a way of being what you make of it and I’ve made a decision to make it fucking amazing. Thank you to everyone who reached out for me and checked in on me. My struggle is real and I will do all I can to overcome the adversity and survival mentality that overcomes me at times. Today was a good day and I am so thankful!

I am off to enjoy an evening with my girl! Have a beautiful evening everyone! I love you!

In loving memory of Duncan and a 2nd writing from Robin Dyer…

Good evening everyone. Thank you for all of the love and prayers. Duncan is greatly missed. Tamara and I are silent in our own grief right now. Tamara and I are blessed to do the work that we do. We are also destroyed sometimes, when we lose our best friends. Please send all of your love to Tamara and Samuel…today has been heartbreaking. We are devastated. Fly free Duncan, until we meet again. We love you and we are so grateful for our journey with you! Samuel keeps looking up for you. Could you let him know where you are and wrap your wings around he and Momma Tam tonight? Thank you my friend. Thank you. I love you Duncan.

And, to my sister Robin…thank you also, sister for sharing your journey with me. You’ve a beautiful family sister and I feel both blessed and honored to be amongst you all during this time. This will be the highjacking of my blog…please welcome again, my sister Robin Dyer…

It’s not like you would think you know. Death…dying. Leaving and staying. It’s not like you would think. It’s not easy or hard. It’s not fast or slow. It just is. The glimpses and the smells, the jolts that take you back…like nodding off while falling asleep. Death isn’t like you would imagine it to be, at least not for me.

I am dying at home with my family and I am so grateful. I am in my final hours now. I am at peace. I am where I belong. I must die to live again and so I shall. Dying though, it’s not like you would imagine it to be.

My angel uses my good hands and my old self to decide what needs to be said and what simply stays and what goes. I guide her to guide me home, my way. We will do this my way. I am an anomaly. I do it my way. I will die my way. I lived my way, did I not?

My beautiful Dennis with raw fingers from strumming his guitar all night. My girls, like raccoons, with weary eyes and sleepy heads. Me, lying in the middle of it all, just taking them all in, one last time, before I go. I am going you know, on and in my time. I am here and I am gone. I am there and I am over here. I am under and over. Behind and ahead. I am everywhere and nowhere. I am at peace. I am tired. I want to be with my family now. I am thankful for my beautiful family. We know. We each know. I’ll not be far away. I’ll not be far away at all.

This was written by Robin Dyer to her family this evening though the hands of her angel.

Please pray for Tamara and Samuel. Please pray for Robin and her family. For Dennis and Tiffany and Tam, as they say their goodbyes. With all of our love tonight, let us lift them up and hold them tight in our arms. And so it is. Goodnight everyone. Thank you. I love you.

Please pray with me this morning.

Good morning everyone! Happy Sunday. I will make this brief. I am calling up all of your love and prayers today for a dear sister, struggling on her journey from this life into the next. Sitting on the edge and not quite ready to make the leap. I am asking each of you to stop what you are doing and take a moment before you begin your day, before church…to pray with me.

Our Heavenly Father,

Please lift our sister up into your loving arms. God shine down upon her and fill her with your mercy and your grace🙏. Most of all Father, fill her with your love and allow her her own forgiveness, as she has long been forgiven by those she has wronged. Please father, help her to know and not doubt this. It keeps her here and she is ready to be there. Please come for her and take her into yourself, that she be born anew, to continue your work. Our sister knows of her next mission and so father I ask you to remove the cloud that keeps her from her own clarity, that she may say when it’s time and that she may be granted your mercy to let go, when the exact time is right, for her. In the time and space in between father, please take her pain and her worry, her agony and her doubt. As always and in all ways, I humbly thank you for hearing our prayer. Our sister is in our hands now. When she is ready father, I will lift her up to you, that she not get lost along her way to you. With all of my love and gratitude, I thank you for hearing our prayer. And so it is. Amen.

Aiden came home a year ago today! Welcome home Aiden! We love you!

A year ago today, Aiden came home! Many of you were here a year ago, loving and praying and helping us to get Aiden back to his family. A year later, Aiden and I and Aidens family, thank you so, so much for all of your love and prayers and help to get him back where he belongs. I saw Aiden yesterday when we went to walk Teddy home. There is something about being with Aiden they rights the wrong in my world. There is just something about Aiden that makes life make sense a little more to me. It was Teddy’s time to cross the Rainbow Bridge and Aiden gently reminded me of that as my tears fell on Aidens little head.

I think of the countless beings that Aiden sees and holds space for every day. I know Aiden is the comfort and the confidence of those less brave than he is. Aiden was missing for twelve days, in dire circumstances, with huge medical challenges. Aiden never gave up and we never gave up on Aiden. Aiden is that guy…four pounds of glorious wonder and love and courage. Aiden is the epitome of love, of service, of life. Aiden does life and Aiden does life big!

I try to see Aiden once or twice a week. In the last year, Aiden has become part of my life and my routine…part of my heart and a piece of my very soul. Aiden and I hid in recliners and abandoned cars together. Aiden and his mom and I clocked hours and hours of time searching for Aiden. Aidens friends at work and APD and so, so many of you, spent countless hours looking for Aiden. We were all in, looking for Aiden and Aiden was all in letting us know how to reach him. Aiden came home because there is nowhere else in the world for Aiden to be. Aiden and his love for his family, his families love for him and the love of so many who wished him well…love brought Aiden back to us! I have come to love Aidens family just as much as I love Aiden and I am so grateful that they are reunited. Thank you love for bringing Aiden home.

Today, Aiden and I want to remind us all that we are here to walk each other home. We are here to love each other. Life is hard sometimes and people are shitty sometimes. Our worlds collide with people who are less evolved and more miserable than we may know. We get knocked off of our stride by people who haven’t found their own stride just yet. Aiden says to help them find their stride and not to judge them for not striding like you. I concur. Aiden said that we must love the most unloveable people the most because they need it the most. Aiden says that the mean ones are the ones who have been hurt the worst and that we should find a way to be nice to them. Aiden says that those who take from us are the ones who don’t have what it takes to fill themselves….they are empty and they are hurting. Aiden says love them the hardest. Aiden doesn’t fuck around with love and he says, in no uncertain terms, that everyone deserves our love. Aiden is my mentor and I go to him in my trials and my tribulations. When I can’t find a way to love the most egregious..Aiden reminds me that I actually don’t know how not to love. I am love Aiden says, just like you, just like Aiden…we are love.

In your life right now, there is someone, who is slowing your roll. There is someone coming up against you. There is conflict and upset. In your life, someone is making more difficult, something that was working just fine, before they put their hands on it. In all of our lives, we will be faced with those who do not love,with those who judge and make difficult our journey. Aiden says to break out your love because this is where your love belongs. These are your obstacles and these experiences level you up…these are opportunities to see what you are made of. Loving the unlovable, well that’s why we are here! Loving Aiden is easy. Loving others, maybe not so much. Love isn’t always easy Aiden says…love is always worth it.

Siting here this morning, remembering my morning from a year ago…the morning that Aiden returned home…I am humbled. I am thankful. I am blessed. Thank you everyone for bringing Aiden home.

Aidens family has become my family. Aidens mom and his brothers Jackson and Michael have become my dearest friends. We walked through hell together and there is just something about that…something about walking through fire like that that bonds people together.

Yesterday when I carried Teddy to the back of the vet, Aiden was standing by. Teddy wasn’t going to make it out this time. Teddy took his last ride yesterday and Aiden knew this when he saw me holding Teddy. Aiden was there as Teddy left this world. Aidens mom was there as Teddy left this world. Aidens mom is the most amazing, kind and compassionate DVM that I have ever had the privilege of working closely with. Sitting with Janet and Kacie and Teddy in the floor of the goodbye room at the vet yesterday, we sobbed inconsolably as we walked Teddy to the rainbow bridge. Our hearts were not ready as Teddys body finally gave out. I tried to contain my inconsolable pain and tears. I could not contain them and I broke, and Kacie held us through it. It takes not only a special veterinarian, it takes an amazing human being, to do what Kacie does every single day. To be good at ones job is progress…to be the epitome of ones profession though, that’s Aidens mom. I am so blessed to know Aiden and his family…my chosen family. I am so thankful to be celebrating Aidens homecoming one year later. Thank you to each and every one of you who had a part in bringing Aiden home!

For old times sake, why don’t we all say it together…”Welcome home Aiden! We love you.”

Have a beautiful day today everyone. Please send Aiden and his family and Teddy and his family all of your love this morning. We never know the struggle of someone else, so Aiden reminds us to always, in all ways, to be kind.

Kindness and compassion…it’s what’s missing…I’m calling up your love today…

Good morning everyone! Happy Wednesday. I come with a heavy heart this morning, to the healing room. Why are we so fucking mean and intolerant and judgmental? Why in the fuck are we throwing stones when we live in glass houses ourselves? Why aren’t we holding each other and ourselves accountable? Why do we feel that we have the right to destroy people who don’t think and feel and love and act the way that we do? What in the fuck is right with us you guys? Why are we always so hypersensitive to what the fuck is wrong with everyone? What is right with the most “wrong” person in your life? For all that each of us is not, there is so much that we are. Why can we not start loving each other up instead of tearing each other down?

I really want to dive into this today. We are a hot fucking mess. We are cruel, intolerant and fucking heartless and it is making me sick. We rape our own children. We beat our wives. We fuck around on our husbands. We berate our children. We torture our animals. We live amongst some sick mother fuckers. We are some sick mother fuckers. Wellness will not come by berating one another for being sick. Wellness will come when we start loving each other to wellness and wholeness.

I can look at you and your life and I can see all of the ways that you are “doing it wrong”. I can see how you could do it all better. Easy to see that in my shoes, what I think I might do in your shoes, right? Actually, it’s not right. It is utter fucking bullshit, to think that I can do you better than you do you. You and only you, can do you. I, and only I, can do me. We must begin to know this. What you think of me is none of my fucking business. I know this and yet, I still hurt at your words, at your action and inaction. This tells me I’ve much work yet to do on myself, and I hear that. I take things personally and so I learn not to. For me, it’s a slow process sometimes, to remind myself to think differently. My thinking is the root of all of my pain. And so, I am learning to think differently. This isn’t easy and so when I am out in the world, I am awkward a lot. I’m in here, working stuff out and you’re out there, judging me, like you’ve any fucking idea what I’m going through. I do that to you too. I judge you. I say shit I shouldn’t say and think thoughts that make me embarrassed to be me sometimes. I’ve learned to do this inside and to keep my lips closed. Sometimes though, I slip. In these moments, rest assured that I will tell you bluntly and exactly how I feel. I am flawed. I am a work in progress. I know that you are too. I thought we could help each other out here. Maybe we could lovingly hold one another accountable? Maybe we could lovingly and privately talk, with our actual voices, to one another, when we have something to say? Maybe we could say what we have to say to the person who we are saying it about, rather than to everyone else? Maybe we could use social media outlets to the greater good of us all, rather than to crucify one another for our “shortcomings”? Hey, I’m not you and I’m not for everyone. I know that and I get it. With that being said…if you can’t help me, how about you don’t harm me either? Truly, how about you just go your way and not upset yourself by being in my realm…don’t keep upsetting yourself, watching me, do all of the things that you don’t like to see me do. Why watch a shit show that you are only watching to throw more shit on? Just fucking stop, okay? Just stop being mean to each other. Just stop hurting each other. Just stop acting like you have any idea at all what someone else is going through. We have no fucking idea what storm someone is weathering or what heartbreak someone is enduring. We have no way of knowing how hurt someone is or how close to giving up that they are. We have no clue as to what has caused this kind of behavior or reaction. I can tell you that hurting and taunting and teasing and mocking someone who is already broken, is not only wrong…it’s sickening. If you cannot help them…at the very least, do not harm them.

My life is full of animals and a few human beings. There is good reason for this. Animals walk next to me and never drag me behind or run so far ahead that I’ll never catch up. Animals lick my tears instead of seeing how many they can inflict upon me. Animals love me unconditionally. Animals never say hurtful things to me. Animals don’t hate. If animals could talk, they would only speak love.

I have been seeing so much mean. I urge you to stop before you blow someone to shreds on social media, and ask yourself these things…1. Is it kind? 2. Is it necessary? 3. Is it true? Before you go clickety clicking away on your keyboard, the answer to all three of these questions must be “yes”. If it’s not, stop tying. Sit the fuck down and listen to your heart here. Do not speak if it does not pass through all three of these doors first. You may be right about everything you have to say. Here’s the thing though…your delivery fucking sucks! My delivery often sucks. I am not wrong and yet, my delivery of what is right cannot be heard at all. We must begin to remember that treating others as we would like to be treated ourselves, really is golden.

I get discriminated against a LOT. I get refused service a LOT. I get treated like shit on the bottom of someone’s shoes a LOT. I get discarded a LOT. Here is the good news though…not as much as I used to. AND, for everyone who has tossed me in the trash, someone else has found a treasure! You are like that too you know? You are a treasure. Know this though…so is the person that you just ripped apart to prove your point. You are not wrong my friend. Your delivery though…well your message has long been lost because of your delivery. I bring you today’s message from a one on one I had as a green assistant manager, early on in my career. “Coral, you are one hell of a manager. You walk the walk and talk the talk. Your expectations are high. Your message is spot on. Your delivery could use some fine tuning. Right message Coral. Wrong delivery.” This lesson never left me and I see that a few of you could benefit from it too, and so I pass it on this morning!

Be kind my friends and you will always be right. I love you. Have a beautiful day. Be kind to one another.

State your needs and then insist that they be honored.

Good morning everyone! Happy Saturday! I am working through some pretty heavy stuff in my life right now. I often have no words for what I’m experiencing. I do my best to keep myself thankful and positive and moving forward. I struggle a lot with being lied to and deceived. For me, for now at least, I cannot coexist with deceit. I won’t. I don’t give a shit how bad you think your truth is…with me, your truth, whatever it may be, will always go further than a lie, in keeping me in your life. I don’t do deception. It really is that simple. Tell me the truth or keep your fucking mouth shut, or we cannot continue. I won’t compromise me if you won’t be authentic and real and true.

I don’t want gold. I sure as fuck won’t accept fools gold in its place. If it’s not real, I don’t want it. If it’s not love, loving, kind, compassionate and true…please keep it to yourself. Truly, this is not up for debate or discussion…this is me asking for what I need. I need real. I need true. I need love. I need loyalty. I need honesty. I need integrity. I need drama free. And so it is.

I hope you all have a beautiful day! I’m off to clients and I am thankful. Stating our needs is the first step in attaining our dreams. State your needs and insist that they be honored. That’s today’s practice for me. I love you!!!

Some self-reflection for us all!

Happy Friday morning everyone! I’m glad we are here together. Sometimes I feel so separate from the world around me. Being here with you is nice. Thank you for being here with me!

The struggle is real, isn’t it? We battle it out with our addictions and our medical ailments. We battle it out with our hearts and our minds, as they go to war over the basics. We battle each other. We battle ourselves. We battle anything and everything and anyone who lives differently than we do. We constantly battle the voices in our heads and the voices from our past…the voices that tell us we can’t. We battle the voices of others who tell us we can’t…the voices that say we aren’t enough and the voices that say we are too much. We know the struggle is real because we are the struggle. When we understand that we are the struggle, that we are our own tsunami, we have an opportunity to make better choices, don’t we?

Today, for me, is about making better choices with my own thoughts. Some things deserve the time and energy that my thoughts take and some things do not. Some things are worth the brain space and some things are not. My thoughts are mine and I need to do some major spring cleaning and purging of my thoughts. Thoughts that don’t serve me must go. Thoughts that direct harm at me and/or others must go. Thoughts of blame and harm, be gone. Thoughts of inadequacy and wanting to be wanted…bye bye! My thoughts have wrecked me, as I have been thinking all wrong. Like seriously, I have thought more about what could go wrong than about what is already going right. I have spent more time behind me than I have ever spent just being right here, right now. I have been so far ahead of myself that I will never catch up, if I don’t slow my roll and let myself just be right here, right now. My thoughts have damn near nailed my own casket closed, at least a million times. My sword has been pointed at myself…my words have been less than kind when I speak of myself. My thoughts about who I am were put there by people who never cared to know me at all. Those thoughts about who I am…they are jaded, inaccurate and not mine. I am just getting to know who I am and I am really digging this girl and her new vibe.

I am blessed to be amongst the most amazing people. I am loved by the most beautiful hearts. I am well provided for. I am in amazing health. I have entered my own heart space. I am here now. I am working diligently to remove thoughts that don’t serve me. I accept that those who left, needed to go. I am a work in progress and sometimes I have to fake it until I make it. That’s okay with me, because I will make it. I accept that you truly know what is best for you. I honor that in you and I wish you every happiness! My hands are too small to carry anything that isn’t mine. My heart is too big to be open 24/7 and without any protection. My life is too precious for me to take it from myself. Your life is precious too. You are precious to me. Our intention is more important than many things we deem more important. There are only two choices…love or fear…choose wisely. I have let go of everything and I only wish I had done so sooner. I am home. My life led me to the very best of everything and I am so grateful. I have the most loyal, loving, generous, kind and compassionate partner. I know love because I am love. Tamara loved me when I couldn’t fathom loving myself. Death is not the worst thing…there are many fates worse than death. Living has been harder than dying. Our darkness is our entryway into the light. Being sick has made me appreciate being well. Being thrown away has allowed me to be recycled to a greater purpose. That is true for you also. The trash can is my salvation, for it took me from those who did not know my value and my worth. I rise up. I love my life. I love myself.

My self-talk is mine to dialogue. My mirror is mine to really look at. My heart is mine to examine and grow and perfect. My smile is mine to find. My love is a love all its own and I want to share it with everyone. My healing is for all of us. That is why I am here…I am here to teach us love and I am here to walk us home. You are too, you know?

Have a beautiful day today! Sending so much love to the people who need it the most. If you’re sober, stay that way…just for today…one day at a time. If you’re healing, let yourself heal. If you’re hurting, know that it shall pass. If you’re happy, enjoy it, for that too shall pass. If you’re here, be grateful, for that reminds you that you have purpose! I love you!

Praying for those who I love the most today…

Good morning everyone! I’m sorry I’ve been distant. The struggle has been real for me for a few days and I’ve been quiet. I am good. I just really get sad sometimes. I miss my Dad a lot and I cannot imagine what the fuck happened. I let it go before I get suicidally depressed over it. Why should I be so sad when other people decide to go? Why should I want that which has left me? I have decided that I will not spend time here, trying to make it make sense. Why battle to stay away? Feels like I should just be able to be gone and be done and over it, for it is clearly finished. Anyway, I won’t lie, i fucking hurt, like I’ve never hurt before over it. Until I don’t hurt anymore, I will allow the pain to heal me, as it has hurt me enough already. And that’s enough of that. That is where I have been…not where I am at this morning.

This morning I am praying for our friend, and for her recovery and for traveling mercies today. Today I set down those who do not love me anymore so that I can be present with those who do love me. I ask you to please say a little prayer for our friend as she travels back home to recover from major surgery. Today, my heart is with her and all of my love…with her. I lift her up that God may literally carry her back to her home and her life and her loves. God, please wrap your loving arms and protection around our friend today and get her home safe, to her healing space, with those who she loves and who love her the most. Please God, place your hands on her, that she heal and recovery perfectly and peacefully. All of my love my friend! We will see you soon! Safe travels and take good care of you today!

I also have another dear friend returning home today, after being away for some healing. My friend left his love and his life to go and find himself. Today he comes home and I am so thankful that he went. Please send him some love as he re-enters his new life, a new man. Today is a big day for him and for those who love him the most, as he returns from a journey that many of us will never know or understand. I love you my friend! Welcome home!

And this morning I shave for six of my friends battling cancer. Shaving every couple of days is a spiritual experience for me. As I stand in front of my mirror and shave, I go to each of them. I spend quiet time with each of them. Shaving my hair, to give them strength for their journey, is my way of loving them from where I am at. I have done this as long as I can remember. I will do this for always. This is my way of holding them, of loving them like a verb…of supporting their journey and I am so thankful that I am able and willing to do this. I shave for each of us and for all of us, for we all need strength that we just cannot tap into. I offer you mine. Use it as you need it and pass it on to someone who needs it more, if you don’t need it. We have to begin to make our love tangible. We have to be able to feel each other, if we are ever to give an actual shit what each other is going through, don’t we?

Aiden went missing on St. Patrick’s day a year ago. I have been in much silent gratitude for his safe return home. Aiden and I became one during his time missing, and I will be forever thankful for his place in my very soul. We slept in the backs of recliners and the floorboards of abandoned cars. Aiden still crawls up and snuggles into my stomach some nights and we hold each other close, until our storms pass. I see Aiden and his beautiful family as often as I can and I am so grateful. Aiden changed my life and opened a piece of my heart that I didn’t even know I had and I am so thankful for Aiden! I love you Aiden!

I have another dear friend heavy on my heart this morning, as he is struggling also. His demons have come for him repeatedly, and still he fights to stay here with us. He fucks up and gets kicked in his own teeth and he gets back up and he tries again. He is my friend and I love him. He is my heart and I feel him. He is me. I am him.

Praying prayers of gratitude for all of the amazing love in my life, that allows me to love as I do. I would not be here now if it weren’t for the love of some amazing people who loved me when I could not love myself. Thank you to each and every one of you who loves me. I love you too!

We never know anyone’s struggle, do we? We have no idea what people are dealing with. We have no idea that they are sick or struggling or terminally ill. We don’t know that their dad just died or that their son has cancer. We don’t know that their son is autistic. We cannot imagine what it’s like to live in their home, where they have no heat. We don’t know what it’s like to have thirteen personalities, abusive parents and dead wives. We don’t know how it feels to be cheated on and left for someone else. Or maybe we do know these things…I know many of these things, and yet, I cannot know these things for you. We carry our own demons with us, until we forgive ourselves and release them from us. We drag our past behind us, until we realize that it is fucking gone and done and over, and it’s not coming back. We unearth the graves a million times before we accept that they are fucking empty. We chase the ones we love the most of all, until we come to accept, finally, that they do not love us back. Out there in the “real” world, in the hustle and bustle, someone just lost someone. Someone just lost their job, their wife, their sobriety…their best friend, their mind…their house, their car…someone just raped someone and doesn’t know what the fuck he has just done. Someone just beat their own child to death. Someone killed their own dog and someone just committed suicide. We are all someone. We have all experienced some of these things. We must know this and begin to love each other through this. We cannot hate our way to love. We must love our way to love. Now is the time my friends. Now is the time.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.