Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Sharing the struggle…

I have been so blessed to be down here with Nahko Bear. We have grown together. We have come to know one another deeply and profoundly. We have both learned a lot in our time here together. This morning we go to the vet for her re-check, so please say a little prayer for Nahko Bear today! Nahko has been such a good girl and we have really bonded down here. Naps in the baby bear den have been the highlight and being able to work on her incision 24/7 since she came home has been epic, in terms of her recovery. Mala Bear is going out of her mind without her sissy! Nahko and Tamara and Mala and I thank all of you for all of the love and prayers, as we feel you and appreciate you so much!

I want to talk about you guys this morning. How are you? I haven’t heard from many of you and your absence is noticed. I’m sure many of you have not heard from me also. Being in the world is hard for me sometimes, and so I’m not out much unless I have to be. Does this happen to you too? You make it to work and you go places that feel cozy and safe and otherwise lockdown? I find that I do this more if I’m not feeling well or if I’m hurting. So, I’ve flown under the radar for a few years now. I notice that some of you do that too. I just want you to know that I see you. It’s a lonely place to be sometimes. I see you.

I know that many of you are suffering and I want you to know that I’m sorry you don’t feel well. Being in such a state makes it very hard to find healing. I have been stuck in my suffering and so I have been stuck. Like quicksand at times…pulling me under unmercifully and without reprieve. I feel this in you too and I want you to know I see you.

Many of you have lost someone. Some of you are losing someone right now. I see you and I feel you. There is no good way to let go. There are no right words. There just is. When I sat next to my Mom as she died, it just was. Afterwards it was so, so many things. As she peacefully slipped away though…it just was. We just were. She and I…in that moment…we just were and it just was. That just came to me, by the way…the peace of that moment. Every time I have been present when a heart stops beating, there has been peace in that single and solitary moment. The moments immediately following are utter chaos. The moment she went though…pure peace. 12:06pm was peacefully. Every moment since has been a living fucking hell for me…that moment of passing though, was the most peaceful I have ever known with her. The moment my mom just let it all go. Sixty six years and finally a last breath and a moments peace. I am blessed to have been there. My mom saved that for me and I am honored and blessed to have held her hand when she took her last breath. I am humble to have been with her when her heart stopped beating and she left this place. My mom carried me in and I carried my mom out. Anything either one of us may have missed along the way, and we both missed plenty….we shared our most sacred moments with one another in this lifetime. We were there for the comings and the goings. We held each other closest when it mattered the very most. I am finding peace in the things that have brought me the most pain and I am grateful. I miss my mom and I am glad that she is at peace. I miss my mom and I am happy to be finding my own peace in the loss of her.

I know it is different for everyone and I know that losing those we love the most is never easy, no matter how evolved we think we are. In my life, there wasn’t really preparation for death. Death was scary and uncomfortable and something to be feared. Death was the end and something to avoid at all costs. I do not see death that way at all anymore. Death is not something to fear. Death is a welcome home. We love our whole lives just to die…and we live in fear. Why do we fear death so much? Death is the reprieve at the end of a life cycle that warrants rest. We finally get to rest. Why do we fear resting so much? Why are we so resistant to being dead when all we do is bitch about how much we hate our fucking lives? So puzzling to me…these things in my life that I have feared for always. Death is not to be feared. We will all be dead one day. No matter what God you do or do not believe in…we will all be dead someday. God. No God. Faith. No faith. Nothing changes dead for any of us. Dead may be your end and dead may be your beginning. Either way though…we live our whole lives to wind up dead. Not one of us, no matter what we have gained in life, dies with anything other than us. I think it’s pretty profound to think that we are all so different that we neglect to acknowledge that we are all exactly the same. Death will teach you that if your life failed to do so.

When we die, people will gather ’round and be as they are. We will be dead and we won’t see how loved we really are. We will have lived our entire lives feeling alone, in the middle of love we never even knew existed. Death is not what gets us. We live our lives without really living at all…and then death comes for us. I think that’s something to avoid at all costs, don’t you think so? I mean to be so afraid of dying that you never even live your life. I believe that my mom was more afraid of living than she was of dying. I think a lot of us are like that. I’m just here to suggest that we give it a good honest try before we go…this living thing. Give it a try…living your life on your terms. What would that even look like for you? And not with reckless abandon…with loving intent, shall we all move forward, into our own lives.

I want to share something with you. A personal battle that I found myself in and how I resolved it. I hope it helps you to know that you have more control over yourself and your life than you think you do. Her it goes. I have been on Trazadone since my mom got sick. It was prescribed to me to help me to sleep. I wasn’t remembering how I got to and from my parents house to my house. I was so fucking exhausted and grief-stricken, and my doctor put me on trazadone. Thank God! I have tried to come off of it a few times and every time I try to quit taking it, I cannot sleep. My doctors have kept me on, as I desperately need my sleep. When I came down here with Nahko, to live with her in the studio until she gets well, I went off of my trazadone. I will not lie, it has been hell. Apparently, I became dependent upon this drug to sleep at all and without it, well, I got no sleep at all, for days. It worked out okay though, Nahko needed me to be awake and ready to help her. I sweated and shook and shitted and felt like I was going to vomit. I felt like I was fucking dying. I hit a low, low, of the lowest lows in my depression. I tossed and I turned and I thanked God there was no clock to show me how excruciating slow this was going to go down. I had no idea that I was addicted and I had no fucking idea that “cold-turkey” detox from trazadone is not at all recommended, until after I quit that way. Here’s the thing though…it felt like poison to me. All of a sudden, my body said no…stop taking it…you don’t need it…you have to stop, and so I did. It has been fourteen nights without trazadone, fourteen slumber parties with Nahko Bear…and I am good! I have absolutely no pharmaceutical medication in my system. I beat an addiction that I didn’t even know I had. I sweated and shitted and urinated out what no longer serves me. This isn’t for everyone, and yet this is the only way I will ever be able to do me…the way it makes sense to me. I was talking to a friend who mentioned that she was struggling with sleeping pill addiction and it was then that I realized I may need to look at myself. I was right. Over the course of the past three years, I became dependent upon sleep medication, unbeknownst to even myself. Today, I am grateful for that conversation and for being able to set down what no longer serves me. Of all of the medication they prescribed for me, I am happy to report, that I no longer need any of it. Trazadone turns out to be an antidepressant, which I have never tolerated well, as so I suspect that some of my struggle with suicidal thoughts and suicidal ideation, in addition to my CPTSD may be because I have been on an antidepressant all of this time. Off to therapy today to discuss all of this, as I really had no idea until I got deathly sick going off of it and started to research it that I was addicted to it, that I became aware of exactly what I was taking. Anyway, I thought I would throw this out there, just in case you find yourself in a similar situation. Who knew? I am so thankful that I have been able to overcome this and to detox from it without major fallout. I do not recommend ever doing this, especially without the guidance of your physician. I was already doing it before I realized that it could be dangerous. I’m done with it now and I am so thankful.

Have a beautiful day everyone! Always know that you are stronger than you think you are. We all are stronger than we think we are.

Nahko Bear slumber party number 11 and counting…

Happy Monday everyone! Welcome home! I am so glad we are all here! Truly…just look at us! We fucking made it! We made it to today! How many of you thought you might not make it to today? I am so glad you never gave up! I am so happy to see your beautiful face! I love you so much!!! And for being HERE…thank you…for never giving up, thank you…for loving yourself enough to stick around and see what the fuck you are made of…I applaud you! We have fucking got this! Fuck depression! Fuck Cancer and Fuck Depression…just fuck you guys! Go somewhere else…like back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. Be gone now…on your way…bye bye. I banish the way that these things affect, me from my life experience. And so it is!

Nahko Bear and I just had our eleventh slumber party in the studio last night. These days and these nights…this silence and this grace…this rest and reset space and time…napping with Nahko…putting everything she needs before my own…being still…and did I say silent…this time with Nahko has blessed me beyond my own comprehension, and I am so grateful. Nahko is recovering nicely and being a very good girl! We are blessed beyond measure to have the baby bears to watch over everyone here at the Sanctuary. We love you Nahko Bear and Mala Bear! Thank you for keeping us all safe!

I work with dogs and live with dogs every day if my life. This time with Nahko Bear has been different. Like two kindred souls in shared space…not canine and human…just souls…just us. I know being here with her is bringing me home to the other five dogs up the driveway. I know being apart from our family has brought our family closer together. Somehow, absence of the things we love the most, really has made my heart softer and fonder. Nahko Bear is gentle and strong and steadfast and loyal…obstinate and true to herself…guarded and wide open…serious and playful…sleepy and bouncy…and always love. There is always love radiating from Nahko Bear and so I have been bathed in love and I am so fucking blessed!

On a side note, because I love you…I want to tell you about our new soap for the Sanctuary! I just showered with our new “Karuna” soap that Earth & Anchor creates for the Sanctuary! This soap is the most amazing soap I have ever used. Truly, it is an androgynous soap and it balances masculine and feminine perfectly! This soap suits me and I thank David and Deidre for being love like a verb when they created this soap for the animals . I feel the love in this soap and being clean is a nice bonus too! The best part is that 50 % of the proceeds go to the animals. What a wonderful way to support the animals you love so much, right?! Anyway, you should get you some! I’m just sayin…sharing is caring and I want to share this soap with everyone! Off of my soapbox about our soap now 🙃

As I was saying about slumbering down here with Nahko Bear…I feel blessed. I choose to feel blessed, rather than to feel put out. I feel quiet and still and so I am quiet and I am still. I pray and I meditate and then I sit quietly and just be. I wouldn’t have allowed myself the time to do this had Nahko Bear not needed me to be down here with her. Things that we look at begin to change when we begin to change the way we look at things. Even in depression, I will ride these waves of inspiration and clarity into my own healing. And so it is. I pray for you, the same…that you may find your peace and your contentment in all things and that your heart may always be full. We are here to walk each other home and so on my good days, I’m going to blow us up as high as I can! I love you and I hope you have a beautiful day!

Oh, and we have soap! Not sure if I mentioned that or not…check us out on Facebook at Santuario de Karuna. We would love for you to be part of our compassionate community! Have a beautiful day!

Five years ago, I stopped eating my friends.

Today is monumental for me, as today is my five year vegan anniversary! Of all of the things I have done in my life…being vegan has definitely gifted me ten-fold and changed me forever. Being vegan is one thing that I do that I know makes a difference and I am so thankful. Today and every day, I am so, so thankful to be vegan!

My name is Coral and I am the Co-Founder of Santuario de Karuna, a vegan farm animal sanctuary in Tijeras, New Mexico. For the last five years, my life has been dedicated to the animals we hold dominion over, on this beautiful land. My life…my purpose…my loyalty…all right here, in this place that I call home. Santuario de Karuna has 44 residents, including Tamara and Myself and countless residents without official living quarters here. Our home is their home and we love and live and heal here in harmony and in Sanctuary. My life’s work combined and scattered as it has been, has led me here…to my home on the mountain. Tamara and I are sober, vegan women who have a dream. Every day, without fail, we get up and live the dream. All days are not easy. Every single day is worth it though! Tamara and I realize that each of our roommates have dreams too. Our beautiful chickens dream of lying in the sun and catching an egg that a raven drops in flight. Hondo dreams of the day that the gate will open and he can free-range upon his mountain yard once again. Sidney dreams of food. Jenny Sue dreams of Brixen. Every single one of us here is living the dream!

Having spent over forty years not being vegan, I will suffice to say that I have learned a lot. I could not live long enough to make amends to the animals that I have disregarded in my life. I could not eat enough tofu in my lifetime to be sorry enough for all of the carcasses I have feasted upon. I humble myself before these amazing beings every day and learn more about how naive and ignorant I was.

Being vegan has softened my heart a great deal. I am a work in progress for sure. I am on the same journey as you are…every day striving to be better than I was yesterday. I fuck up…every day. I learn…every day. Being vegan gives me one thing to know that my heart has allowed me to do right, without any exceptions or excuses. Not being vegan is no longer a choice for me.

For 1825 days, animals have not been on my plate. That may not seem substantial to some people. To me though…to them though…every single time you choose compassion, it is substantial. Every time you make a compassionate choice about what you put in your mouth, to feed your appetite, you make a substantial choice. Did it ever occur to you, as you are driving alone in your car, past pasture after pasture, after pasture, that these beings live and shit and eat and hurt bleed and cry and breathe, just like you and I do? Do you know that their lives do matter? Like I said, I’m learning a lot. At first, being vegan was very overwhelming to me. It really was. I was pretty fucking sure that I would “do it wrong”. Hell, I still do it wrong sometimes. I can’t see a damn thing without my readers on and I bring home something every now and again without seeing all of the ingredients. Fuck, an egg here…milk there…for no reason at all, and we don’t eat it. I just feel a little sad that I wasn’t more careful. I just contributed to their suffering by buying my dead friends. I say a prayer and promise to be more mindful. I am so sorry when I mess up and don’t slow down and honk of them more than I think of me when I shop.

I won’t lie, I wasn’t vegan before I was vegan because I encountered some pretty intolerant and exclusive vegans. They were twats actually. Pretentious and snarky and “better than”….and I ate meat to spite them, if nothing else. Fuck them and their pretentious bullshit! I will just eat another dead carcass and fuck them! Ya, I was pretty un-evolved. I was fucking asleep and full of blame. I will tell you that there’s not a pretentious, snarky, holier than thou, twat in this world that could keep me from being vegan now. My blame about not being vegan sooner is simply because I was not ready. That’s it. Plain and simple. I had not arrived at a point yet where I understood and empathized with the suffering of the sentient beings in my cart and in my living room. I still know some of those vegans. I’m sure you know them too. And we can suffice to say, just “wow”, can’t we? I mean, their circus, their clowns, right? Who gives a fuck what the clowns in someone else’s circus have to say about you my friend? Fuck those clowns man! This is your circus and you are the clown in charge! Own your circus man! Own your circus and set everyone else’s circus down! I am learning this and it helps, and so I pass it on to you.

Being vegan is my choice. Only mine. Nothing you do or say or don’t do or don’t say, changes that. Truly. I’ve not judgement of your journey. You do you and I’ll do me. My journey though…I share it to give you an opportunity to learn what it took me so long to come to know. They are not ours. I will leave you with that. They are not ours.

Have a beautiful day and if you have any questions about what it is to be vegan, please hit me up! I didn’t know until I knew and I was so blessed to have Tamara to ask all of my questions to. There are no stupid questions, only the ones you do or ask. Live compassionately my friends. And remember, if you are the dad, the mom, the breadwinner, the cook, the one paying the bills and buying groceries, you do make the decisions as to what is consumed in your household. Don’t tell me that your kids don’t want to be vegan. Don’t tell me that your husband won’t eat tofu. Don’t tell me that you can’t quit cheese. Bullshit. All of it. It’s bullshit and you know it. “But Coral…I grew up on a ranch.” Okay…you grew up on a ranch, and? You cannot be vegan because you grew up slaughtering animals? And I cannot, not, be a sexual predator then? Right? I mean, if you can’t be vegan because of how you grew up then I am so super fucked, aren’t I? Nope, I’m not fucked because that is a bullshit excuse, just like the rest of them. “My husband won’t eat tofu Coral.” Do you expect me to believe, for one single solitary second, that your husband tells you what to do about anything? Ever? “My wife has to have her iron Coral.” Well, then you better start seeing what is high in iron that doesn’t shit and have a fucking face my friend. “My kids would never be vegan Coral.” May I ask you who is running your household? You or your kids? I do not recall ever, telling my mother what I would and would not eat. Handle your business sweetie. Handle your business. And for those of you who have doctors who have told you to eat eggs and cheese and whatever other bodily secretions and puss and infection and ovulation, For whatever ails you…I will just ask you this…where in the fuck is your second opinion? Truly, don’t act like you aren’t smart enough to question bullshit like that. Don’t make excuses to not be compassionate…Rather, return to the place in yourself that knows right from wrong and step back into alignment with yourself. And my favorite…”Coral, being vegan costs too much.” Being vegan costs too much for whom? For you? Oh…I’m sorry, when you spoke of costs, I assumed you were talking about the 40 pounds of chicken in your shopping cart. I thought you had a bout of consciousness about what your appetite costed them. “Being vegan costs more” is bullshit. Being compassionate will never cost anyone more than living half asleep and unconscious costs us all.

So, to those of you who cannot bake without eggs, don’t think you’ll get enough protein…need cheese…can’t sway your family…I am going to ask you an honest question. What is this really about? For you, what are all of these excuses not to be compassionate really about? If we each start here, we can begin to make conscious choices for ourselves, our families and the people we love the most, the animals, the planet and for our children. Going vegan five years ago is the single most important thing I have ever done to soften my heart. Being vegan is my biggest contribution to the planet I live on. Being vegan changed me for the better and I am so thankful. Today, for five years of compassionate living, with all of my heart, I say thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Welcome home!

Spring forward into Sunday!! Happy Sunday everyone! This is the first day of the week…of daylight savings time…of the rest of your life! I am so glad you are here! I really hope you like the new space. I have been working hard to clear some energy and set some positive intention in here.

I have been working on my blog while homesteading in the studio with Nahko. It is pretty surreal to think that this is actually my blog…something I did. I look at it and it feels like someone else’s page. I begin reading and it feels raw. I posted all of my drafts yesterday, so we begin anew this morning. Everything previously published…all of the past and the memory…the horror the torture and the abuse…and the blame, so, so much blame…the whole lot of it…I release it all now, back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I pray that it has served you and helped you to grow. I pray for my own power to release it all…every single last shred of it…I let it all go this morning as the sun rises. Today I am done dragging the pain of my past along behind me. This morning, at dawn, I rise. Today is my first day to be who I decide to be. If you are still here, thank you. If you are not still here, thank you. All is as is should be and I am at peace with that.

This space has become sacred to me. This healing room has become a church for me. I feel like we started out in a small circle on a basketball court, on the gym floor, with our morning coffee and blankies. Look at us now…in sacred union together…in healing space together, having morning coffee together once again. We aren’t on that gym floor anymore, are we? We are in sacred sanctuary now. So, grab that cup of coffee and your blankies and let’s get to some healing, shall we? I am going to grab my tea and I will be right in! Get comfortable and squeeze in. We are overflowing this morning! No worries though…we have plenty of room for everyone in this space.

I would like to start this morning by asking you guys for a quick favor, if you don’t mind? If you do mind, don’t participate. Easy enough? What has this space become to you? What do you come here for every day? What needs are met for you here? These are things that matter to me, and so I ask you, how can I help you? Is there anything you would like to read about or know about? Do you need one on one time with me in this actual studio space? Do your animals need someone sacred to facilitate their healing and continued wellness? I have added all of these options in the “pay now” section of my blog, for those of you who need my services. My words don’t really quantify the experiences I offer. My credentials do not really tell you who I am. Maybe your words will though…I mean to say that maybe your words will help others to know what I do. Maybe you can write a testimonial that will tell others who I am to you? I mean, would you mind writing something for others, about how working with me has helped you? Ok just throwing that out there this morning. I took most of my description of me, out of this page. I don’t believe I can define my work as well as you can. So, with that being said, if I have helped you or your animals and you don’t mind writing a brief testimonial about your experience, I would really appreciate you! It matters not who you are to me…a client, a friend…a follower…if I’ve touched your life and you have a moment to share, I would really appreciate it. You can email your testimonial to me at the following address:

Iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com

Hey, thanks so much! Truly, I am really looking to put myself out into the world and to be available to you. So, thanks for helping me to let people know who I am and what it is that I do! It always helps me to read reviews and testimonials before I make decisions about our animals and our Sanctuary and ourselves, so thank you for taking the time to help me with this. If I may use your name, please say so. If you would Ike to be anonymous, please indicate that also. That wraps up the office-keeping stuff, so to speak. Now, back to us, and this space this morning. I am so glad you are here!

I have had a LOT of time down here with Nahko Bear to just be. In this studio space, we are just being together. Healing and laying and sleeping…we aren’t really “doing” anything. We are down here being done. We are sacred beings, traveling together in temporary bodies. We are souls in this space, carrying each other home. We nap in the baby bear den under the drafting table and we go for afternoon walks to see Mala Bear. We stretch and we cry and we just are. We go out to potty and we come in and we sit together for hours. We say nothing for hours. Nahko and I don’t need any words. We are treading on sacred ground down here and we know how blessed we are. This time, once passed, will always be a sacred space for us both to return for love and strength for the journey. We will never lose the bond we have built from this time of healing and solitude and time, just lots and lots of time, together. My life has moved into sacred space. I occupy sacred space. I am sacred space. Being with Nahko Bear in the studio for a slumber party that spans almost two weeks, is bringing us both home again. We are blessed and we are grateful. I love you Nahko Bear! Thank you for being here with me. Very soon baby girl, you will finally be free to be you! Without the confines of these walls and with your body healed and strong, you will be Nahko Bear, in all of your beautiful glory! This time with you is priceless to me. I love you Nahko Bear.

Yesterday I lost it a little bit. Feeling a little pent up and like I’m missing a lot of special moments in my life, I spun out a little. As soon as it came on though, I let it pass, for I am right where I belong, doing exactly as I need to be doing. There is nothing, there is no one…there is nowhere more important than right here, right now, with Nahko Bear. And so it is. We are al like that you know? We all know what really matters to us…who really needs us…how we want to show up in our world…we know who we are. Our challenge is to allow ourselves to be that…whoever that is…Who are you? When no one is looking and when no one is there but you, who are you? Thank you Nahko Bear for mirroring me and for showing me a little piece of who I am and what I am made of. You are glorious! You are majestic! You beautiful and you are perfect Nahko Bear! I thank you for sharing sacred space with me, and for walking me home. I love you Nahko Bear!

Have a beautiful Sunday everyone! I look forward to reading your testimonials! I thank you in advance for your help with this. I love you!

If ever there comes a day…(last one from the Coral vault and a hard read, as I was in a very dark place when I wrote this many months ago)

Last one from the drafts vault. I just needed to clear all of that out. As I am in the raging war with depression, I must pick my battles. I must change my thoughts. I must let go. I must let God. With my drafts folder empty, I begin again. As always, take what you need and leave all the rest. And we send it all back to the universe I be recycled for the greatest good of us all. And so it is. This is a dark read.

As I just published my last blog about carrying my Mom home and why didn’t she say goodbye…it occurred to me that I have a post to write…not to publish, but one that must be written.

I have come to know that time does run out. We have so many cliches, don’t we?  Time is a cliche…

I am sitting completely suspended in time…suspended animation, a state of bliss (thank you Pink Floyd for the amazing lyric and the memories that go with it). Or am I?

I feel pretty fucking suspended…in slow motion, timeless and weightless, pretty literally weightless these days and dropping.

Which brings me to this unpostable post. The post that will never leave you all saying…why didn’t Coral say goodbye?

I mean, here I am, every single day, invited into your life, honoring my daily commitment to myself, of writing for 365 days…and I know I could be really, really sick, and I don’t want to be that guy…you know, the one who knew and said nothing. Only in my case, I don’t “know”, I mean I don’t ever really “know”, and yet I know…In this case, I don’t know, and I’m getting checked out, as soon as they can see me, so don’t fret.

The thing is, I really don’t feel right. My ass, which don’t lie, you either stopped following me for, you started following me for, or you know absolutely nothing about. Consider yourself blessed if it’s the latter…truly, I’m a lot. Ask the people closest to me…I am a fucking handful.

Just to get you up to speed, I’m having some intense pain and discomfort in my ass. Nothing about that is easy for me to talk about, and so I’ve openly talked about it.

The physical and emotional pain of it all leaves me feeling nauseous and exhausted. I can’t sit and I can’t stand and I cannot do anything, except to lie down, semi-comfortably.

These things are concerning and isolated, I would probably still be really freaked out. Probably, my ass…I would be freaked the fuck out, about all things ass, always, especially my own ass.

In addition to all of that, I am having difficulty eating. I get really hungry,  like so hungry, and I eat a few bites and can’t eat anymore. A few moments later, I’m hungry again, and it’s the same thing, unless I’ve no appetite at all.

I have opted for no pain management of any kind, except for medical cannabis. I am desperate to find the right dosing for this intense and chronic pain. I know I need to feel this, and I mean really feel it, so that I can release it, and I mean really release it.

With that being said, cannabis, prior to this ass incident, was a huge appetite stimulant for me, like inessaciable, eat myself stupid, appetite, and now, at much higher doses, nothing.

Cramming brownies down my throat and trying to smoke enough and smile enough to keep the pain at bay. Trying not to WebMD and knowing my tendency, at times, to be dramatic…and feeling like I’m fucking dying…well, I guess I just thought maybe I should say something, you know? So I will never be “that guy”, or any guy for that matter….just to clear that up once and for all…I’m that girl, not that guy…

Anyway, I know myself and the irony of my life. Those of you who know me well will also appreciate the irony of the idea of…even just the thought or mention of…ass cancer, colon cancer, rectal cancer…and Coral in the same sentence. It’s the most fucked up thing I could possibly imagine…the fucking worst thing.

This is the girl who has literally driven to the next town to shit, because I can’t shit if you’re with in a mile radius. That may be a slight exaggeration, not much though.

My ass is an exit only. No salad tossing and no entry. My ass and all things about my ass horrify me and they always have and your ass horrifies me too. Truly, you’ve just no idea, unless you’ve an idea, and then you know that this would be the worst thing to take me out, that I could possibly imagine. My ass…really?

So, I’m sitting in this and trying to figure out how much to say and how much not to say. All you really have to do is look at me and I don’t have to say anything at all.

Tamara says that I look gaunt. I asked her what that meant and should I take it as a compliment. Tamara said that my face just looks drawn in…you know, gaunt. I didn’t know and so I just looked it up and the definition is pretty fucking eerie.

Gaunt;extremely thin and bony; haggard and drawn, as from great hunger, weariness, or torture; emaciated.

What do you know? Tamara is right. Gaunt is the perfect adjective to describe the shape I’m in, as of late, or is it as of most recent? Anyway, no matter.

So, being gaunt and unable to eat, nauseous from the constant pain and the horrific sensations down there, I won’t lie, I am a little more than a little concerned.

Oh and there is cancer all over both sides of my family, including my Mom, who died of Stage 4 breast cancer, with metastasis to the liver, the lungs and her brain. My Dad has skin cancer. That’s just the beginning of cancer in my family.

Oh and the fact that I have been drinking alcohol since near birth, until just over four years ago, smoking like a fucking train since I was eleven years old, until just over a year ago, and eaten whatever the fuck I wanted until going vegan four years ago. I’ve not been kind to my body.

In addition to me being unkind to my body, others have tortured and abused this body to a point of nearly, literally breaking it, over a lifetime.

It would not be any wonder if my liver and my lungs and my kidneys are riddled with disease too. Countless head injuries have undoubtedly taken their toll as well.

So, I would be remiss in not entertaining the idea that maybe, just maybe, this could be the beginning of the end. My ass might take me out after all. “Isn’t it ironic? Don’t you think? Yeah….I really do think…”

This will be the first of an unpublished series, of my deeply personal journey, through whatever ails my ass.

Did you really think that I would change after all of these years? I mean, I guess a lot of you did think I would change, hope I would change…this personal account is for those of you who loved me just the way I was…always, in all ways, without ever wanting me to change.

This is for Tamara. May she never have to ask, why I didn’t say good bye.

Tamara, may you also know that I am doing all I can to stay. I’m just writing this, in case there comes a day that I can’t.

If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.
A.A. Milne-Winnie the Pooh

If ever there comes a time when I am unable, I want to have begun to try to get all of my words out…every single last one of them…

This shall be the first post of my private journey through this, which I hope I neve have to publish).

In the event that this did get published, and I am no longer here, go grab that cup of coffee and hey, grab me one too, would you?Also, don’t forget to remember…I am always right here, for our morning coffee. You just have to invite me and I will find a my way to find you. I know you know I will…

 

Old drafts from the Coral vault, with a message for you?

I am cleaning out my draft folder and I’m just going to post these for you guys…if I reread them before I post, they may not make it. If I took this much time to write it…it’s going up. I feel like there is something in here for someone. This one is from January and I held it…I release it now! Fly free little blog! Fly free!

Some days I cannot find the words. Today is a day like that. I feel like I’m not tethered down at all to anything or anyone. I feel suspended in space that knows no beginning and no end. Back into the rooms for a noon meeting, I am so thankful for the fellowship of AA. I am so fucking thankful for the rooms and for the amazing people in the rooms! Disconnected and not grounded…I return to the rooms to find myself and the strength I need to keep on keeping on. Lost, I’m searching for a sponsor. I realize that I need some help right now, and so I reach.

Mostly, I feel melancholy. Mostly I feel the weight of other people’s struggles and decisions right now. Mostly, I just want to lie down and sleep for a week because I am so exhausted and so overwhelmed and under-sourced. Right now I am fucking irritated and blaming and short-tempered. I am sitting here, meditating myself back into my body, for I feel tethered to absolutely nothing.

It’s an odd thing when the stability that I relied on has been swept from beneath me. No words. Just pain. It’s an odd thing to watch someone do to someone what has been done to me and I am angry and in protective mode. I am also fucking sick of hurt people hurting people. I am sick of the unaccountably and the avoidance. I am sick to fucking death of the blame and the hooray for me and fuck you all around me. When will we truly understand that we are all one? When will we love each other and let ourselves be loved? When will we actually love the people that we claim to love, like a verb? We are so full of shit that it’s nauseating really. We lie to ourselves enough to be so foolish and then we violently attack anyone who questions us. Who the fuck do we think we are? Do we really believe that others do not see us as we are? Do we really think that we are hiding all of our undesirables? We are hiding nothing from no one. We are a hot fucking mess. Why can’t we see that?

The healing room is a place that I envision to be a space that we will all be in together someday. Right now though…we are so fucking angry, so blaming and so fucking unhappy that I we feel bifurcated. We are selfish and we are egotistical and we only give a fuck about what we need, and I’ve had just about enough. My sadness today if for us all, for having truly lost our way to the important things in life. Our children. Our families and our friends…how much do we really care about the closest people to us? We find new people and we leave the people who never left us. It’s sad…it is really fucking sad.

When did we stop seeing the children as children? Truly, when did their innocence and their needs and their dreams stop mattering to all of us? We put them in adult roles, expecting them to know what to do and they don’t. I’m in an adult role and I don’t know what the fuck to do a lot of the time. We owe our children their childhoods. We owe our children safety and security and love and nurturing. We brought them here and we need to start being fucking accountable.

I am all peace, love and a little go fuck yourself. When I see children being disregarded and harmed…I’m heavy on the go fuck yourself, as we owe our children more. Every single adult in this room owes it to our children to be their voice, to be their cheerleader, to be their protector.

This rant is far from over and fairly unproductive at best. I just had to get this out. I have got to find a way to come down from the drama that is not even mine and try to find my center again. I have to find a space within myself to accept what I cannot change. Until I’m absolutely sure I can’t change it though, I’m not done trying. We must be the change. We must speak, even and especially when our voices shake. This is not a dress rehearsal. We might want to start knowing this, so we stop dressing up and showing up to the fucking party as who we are not.

My life, right now, just is. I just am. For once, I am just being. I just want to be. I am not equipped for the situation at hand and so I pray for guidance. I am fucking angry and so I pray for peace. I am lost and so I turn to God to help me to know what to do. I am sober and I’m doing all I can to stay that way. Getting these thoughts out is a start. Changing my thinking is my best bet.

My name is Coral and I am five years vegan tomorrow!

I am sitting here in the studio with Nahko on Shawn’s Birthday, and I was remembering that the last time I ate my friends. Tomorrow is my five year veganversary! It was March 9th 2014 and My mom made my brothers favorite meal…my mom made her famous enchiladas. My last non-vegan meal was my moms ground beef enchiladas, smothered in cheese. My brothers birthday meal was my very last non-vegan meal. Five years ago something shifted for me and I want to write about that this afternoon. I didn’t stop eating animals because I didn’t fancy the taste of those enchiladas. If you ever had my moms enchiladas, you know what I am saying. They were the best enchiladas I have EVER eaten! And her birthday cakes…I didn’t stop eating those because I didn’t like how they tasted. I have to tell you that I stopped eating animals because I finally realized that I was eating animals.

My name is Coral and I am vegan. This is my story and I hope it teaches you a thing or two, as my life has taught me, a thing or two. I was so fucking disassociated that I truthfully had not made the connection, that I was eating a once living, breathing sentient being. Ground beef enchiladas did not equal our beautiful cows, Karuna or Ahimsa to me. We didn’t have Karuna or Ahimsa back then. Chicken fajitas weren’t Piñon. Lisa and Janet and Negro weren’t chicken tacos. Bacon wasn’t Sidney. The pork chops that I ate were not named Jenny Sue or Brixen. Namaste wasn’t a slab of ham on my plate and I wasn’t eating the ovulation of Lisa and calling it my breakfast. I wasn’t waiting to slaughter Samuel and Duncan for Thanksgiving dinner. I wasn’t stroking my lucky rabbits foot and making a wish. I wasn’t eating goat cheese on my crackers. I hadn’t made the correlation that all lives matter. I didn’t get that the lives of the sentient beings on my plate mattered at all. I thought they came here for me. I was so fucking ignorant that I believed that these beings came here for my gratification…to satisfy my tastes and my hunger. Five years ago I did not know that my food was actually the Caracas of my dead friends. I was eating dead flesh. I was drinking the bodily secretions meant for baby cows. I was eating the period of a fucking chicken for breakfast every day, with a side of crispy Tombstone. I was fucking asleep! And the worst part was that I had absolutely no idea that I was asleep. Only a couple of months sober from alcohol, I was definitely a hot fucking mess back then. I was so asleep and tuned out that I was about to be on an adventure like no other. I was beginning the journey of waking up…becoming conscious and aware and concerned. I had no fucking idea then…I was about to be transformed! I had no idea that I was so asleep. I could not have known how disconnected I truly was.

Five years later and I will tell you this, I will never not be vegan. I will never eat my friends again. I will never not know what I have come to know. I have come to know that their lives matter. Every single one of their lives matter. There are more carcinogens in the food that many of you eat than there are in the cigarettes that some of you smoke. Did you know that? Cigarettes have warning labels. The 40 pounds of raw chicken that you just bought is going to kill you quicker than the cigarettes are going to kill the Marlboro man next door, peering at you over his oxygen tank. Don’t believe me? Do your research. And now that we are outsourcing our food supply, so you really think what you are eating is safe? The disconnect is real. That 40 pound tray of chicken that you just bought…those chickens were someone. They were someone. All hacked up on a slab of styrofoam and shrink wrapped, slapped with a price per pound sticker and thrown in your cart. We are so disconnected.

We are raising children. We are teaching classes. We are in leadership roles and in animal rescue. We stand in pulpits and we preach peace. How can we rescue dogs and cats and eat cows, pigs and chickens? Your fucking bologna did have a first name. How do we preach peace when we eat the slaughtered remains of sentient beings? We are disconnected my friends. We are so disconnected.

Five years ago, I began to connect the dots. I began to question things that seemed wrong to me. I began to give a shit about someone other than myself. I set down my carne adovada burrito and I ate my last poached egg. I stopped buying leather and I made different choices. I started to give a shit and I mean really give a shit about other beings on this planet. Five years ago I stopped eating animals because I came to know that they are not mine to eat or to wear or to exploit.

As my brothers birthday lunch came to a close five years ago, I could never have foreseen how drastically our lives would shift. I could not have known that I would never eat another animal again. I could not have known that my mom would get cancer in a few months and die. I could not have known that our dining room would occupy another family that they wouldn’t welcome us. We don’t sit at that table as a family anymore. We are not a family anymore. I could not have known that I would be giving up some things and others would be taken from me. I gave up eating my friends. I lost my mom to cancer and my dad to someone and someplace far, far away from me. As I cleared those dirty dishes and washed the carcass of my friends into the trash, one last time…I could not possibly have known how my life was about to change. As I kissed my mom goodbye and hugged my dad under the garage door…as I hugged Shawn and JiSan “goodbye” and I drove away on that day…I could not have known all that would come to be of my life. We never truly do know what life has in store for us. We do run out of time. We do. People feel better somehow if we don’t run out of time…and so they say that we don’t. I am here to tell you that we actually do run out of time. So, make it count. Your time…your decisions…make them count. Be mindful of what you put into your body. If it shits, don’t eat it. Truly. For me, that was an easy gauge. I hope the simplicity of this helps you also, because it is that simple. If it has a face and it shits, it’s not yours to eat.

I am blessed to have learned that animals have just as much right to be here as I do. I am grateful to live in Sanctuary with so many beautiful and sentient beings. You may be astounded to know that I can eat whatever you eat and I can eat it vegan. If it’s not vegan, I won’t eat it at all.

My depression fucks with me a lot lately. I am struggling to stay afloat. Being vegan beings me some peace, as I know I have changed the world for some of them. I will spend the rest of my life fighting for the rest of them. For you see, we are all someone, not something. We each have every right to be here. If my depression takes me, at least it wasn’t someone else deciding that I was food, not friend. Truly, when did we decide that we got to decide for everyone, how things are? We have dominion over…we do not have control or reign or power over those without voices. Who told us that we had the right to crucify species after species after species for our own consumption and convenience? We did. We decided that we have no rules and they have no economic value…so fuck it…we decide. Look at us, deciding and shit. Egotistical, ignorant, insensitive and greedy as fuck…is the mentality that my appetite is more important than your life, isn’t it? I mean truly…that is some entitled and ignorant and ass backwards thinking and we are wrong. Plain and simple. We are wrong to slaughter millions of sentient beings for our own gratification…for sport…for our hunger and our taste in clothing and furniture. We cannot make this right…we just can’t. Excuses abound and generations pile, one on top of the other…doing it the way we have always fucking done it. Let me ask you something…How is the way we’ve always done it actually working for us? How is this entitlement and this superiority working out for us and our human counterparts? All you have to do is look around you to see that this isn’t working at all.

You will never catch me competing with you. Every single day though, you will see me fight like hell to be better than I was yesterday. From whom much is given, much is expected. I owe a great debt to the powers that be for my existence here, for my place and my peace and my work here. The debt can only ever be payed forward and it cannot ever be paid with the life of someone else. We each get what we get when we get it. Five years ago, I got it and I am forever changed. Go vegan. Truly…for yourself, for your health, for the planet…for each other…for your kids. I was pretty ignorant and naive…fuck, I still am…I would like to think that I have made a difference though, for someone, by being here.

Living a compassionate lifestyle includes more than eating a vegan diet, just as being sober means more than abstaining from drinking alcohol. When we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change. Friends, not food. Five years not eating my friends has softened my heart and I am so thankful. Five years of learning about the sentient beings in my life and cohabiting them…I cannot imagine how I was ever so thoughtless and reckless and careless. Being more connected now, I shudder at my own disconnect, for I knew not then what I have come to know now.

My life is blessed. I am blessed. I hurt, a lot. Depression keeps me struggling, until it doesn’t. I miss my mom. I miss my dad. Sometimes, I wish I were riding my bike around the block with my little brother, for hours and days on end…going everywhere and nowhere at all. Some days I really do miss my little family so, so much that it throws me into the abyss that swallows me for days. Depression seems to be the one thing I can’t just fucking quit…and every single day, until the day I don’t, I will battle it out. Being vegan has given me a lot of someone’s to fight for and so as best as I can, I stay. As much as I am able, when the calls come and I am needed, I answer. Getting out of me is the only thing that seems to save me at all, in times where I can’t get myself out of the abyss.

Five years ago, I started speaking for them and fighting for them and loving them like a verb. With the love and compassion and guidance of the most amazing vegan I know, I have learned so much. Thank you Tamara for loving me into compassionate space and for helping me to make more compassionate choices. Five years ago my life changed forever. My name is Coral and I am five years vegan tomorrow! For your soul, I encourage you to think about being vegan too. You will not know why you waited so long to assume a lifestyle that does not harm others. Your body will look and feel better. Your heart will open up. You will be better able to look in the mirror…I mean to really look in the mirror. Best of all, no one gets hurt for your appetite. Anyway, that’s all I’ve got today on being vegan. Inspired by my five year veganversary tomorrow…A post for us all to wake up and soften our hearts. Don’t trust me. Go out and try it for yourself! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Happy Birthday Shawn!!!!!

Good morning everyone! First a baby bear update: Nahko and Coral slumber party number nine is on the books! Nahko Bear is doing so, so well and we are so proud of our girl! We go to the vet on Wednesday for her post op follow up, so please keep the love and prayers coming. Mala Bear is going out of her mind without her sissy. Anyone who believes that animals do not feel pain has not been sitting with one crying until the other one finally stops crying. There is no consolation for pain and separation like losing the one whom you love more than anyone else in your life. Our girls have only ever known each other and so this has been excruciating to watch. Momma and I are so proud of you baby bears! Very soon you will be reunited and it will feel so good for all of us! I am sitting in almost constant silence, napping in Nahkos baby bear den and resting more than I would have given myself permission to rest. We are blessed. Every day, in every way, we are so, so blessed. Thank you for your love and prayers for our baby bears as they get through this very difficult time of separation from each other.

Today is a very special day to me. Today is my little brother Shawn’s Birthday. Happy Birthday Shawn! Forty three years ago I was waiting anxiously for my Mom and Dad to bring my baby brother home from the hospital. My Mamma and I were making and eating mud pies in the backyard when Shawn finally came home from the hospital. Be still my little heart. Just look at that perfect little boy! Look at my baby brother! I will love him for always, the best I can. I promise. Thank you God. Thank you. I promise to love him always! He is perfect and just who I asked for! Thank you God! I love him! Thank you! My conversation with God went something like that, for God just bestowed upon me, my greatest gift.

All of these years later, and I still thank God for my baby brother every single day. Today I woke thinking of you and tonight when I lie down I will be praying for you. Every day I carry you with me in my heart.

Shawn and I have had a rough few years. Losing our Mom three years ago and being fairly estranged from one another made the pain worse. I felt the loss of my mom and my little brother so deeply and so profoundly. For our whole lives our Birthdays were the one time that we all committed to being together, no matter where we were, if we could. The four of us always tried to honor our birthdays as sacred. This is yet another thing that left with my Mom. I am coming to an acceptance of it and yet I still cling to the way it made me feel to be a part of my family. Today, for me, reminds me that I am not all alone, for today is my little brothers birthday. No matter where he is and no matter where I am..ever…we will always be with one another. We have always been together, even when we felt so far apart. Some days I forgot this and I grieved as though he had passed away too. Today, I thank God for his return and for our continued healing. Happy Birthday Shawn. I love you!

If you have a sibling, I’m sure you can relate to a love that knows no words. For me, and I am of many words, there are not adequate words to describe this love. I will try though, for today is my little brothers birthday.

You were so little and I was so proud. Your big sister and my little brother. Your sparking eyes and your angel smile. A smile sent down from the heavens by God himself. Tiny fingers and toes and tears and laughter. Smelly poops and funny faces. Temper tantrums and squealing. Soft blankets and smelly food on a rubber spoon. Sleepless nights and laying for hours in your baby blanket in the middle of the floor. You laughed a lot. It was more of a giggle. Your cheeks were rosy red and you were so, so happy to finally be here. I don’t know from where you came…you were not of this world. You were kinder and more gentle. You were fragile like an angel fallen. You were more innocent and less inhibited. You were my special and my salvation. Your coming here gave me everything to look forward to. The years grew us closer and the miles never kept us far apart. The chaos wasn’t lost on us and yet it never really was us. The sadness inside of me stayed lit by your smile. My loneliness was lifted by your presence. You were my everything from the moment I knew you were coming here. It is like I knew you would save me somehow. You did, you know, save me. When nothing else of my entire world remained at all, you walked back in. When it all came crashing down, you reached for me. When every single other person left, you returned. Today, especially today, as I write and cry, I thank God for you. God gives. Thank you God for Shawn. Lives separate and coming back together. Memories. Motherless. Who ever thought we would be..just you and I…here? We aren’t big enough to be on our own. We aren’t old enough or strong enough to make it without them. Ahhh, and yet we are. We are strong enough. We are still here. They have gone from us and we stand here before us. We must know that this is something. We must feel that this is special. On your birthday, know that you are perfect. Every other day, know that you are perfect. Today, I celebrate you. Today I remember the day you came in and I thank God again for my greatest gift. 43 years ago I asked God for a baby brother just like you. Thank you God. Happy Birthday Shawn. I love you little brother! Have a beautiful first birthday of the rest of your life!

Happy Saturday everyone else! Please say it with me…”Happy Birthday Shawn!”

Thank you for your service Little Red! I love you!

Good morning everyone! I am happy to announce that we sold Little Red on Sunday! It was bittersweet driving her to her new home in Santa Fe. Every other trip to Santa Fe, Little Red has accompanied me home. For many years Little Red has been my brave companion of the road! We traveled many miles together and took many trips together. If loving Little Red is wrong, I don’t want to be right! I am so grateful for the gift my little Brother gave me all of those years ago, when I lost everything I had except for my house. Shawn signed her title over to me and made her mine. Sunday I signed her title over and made her new owner very happy, when I made Little Red hers. New to me vehicles are the best…all nicely broken in and personalized…and all yours to discover! Enjoy getting to know Little Red and thank you for loving the animals so, so much! It may sound ridiculous, and so I’ll say it loudly and with all of my heart, I’m really glad that Little Red got a good home! I want Little Red to have the best rest of her life too! Thank you for your service Little Red! I love you my dear old friend!

I am making a personal donation to the fundraiser that Chris set up for a new Sanctuary truck for the animals here at Santuario de Karuna. Little Red sold for $3000 and I am donating $3010.00. I am doing this for a very specific and simple reason, and it is this; All gave some and some gave all. Little Red was all I own outright in this world, and I struggled to let her go. I need to pay off FJ (that’s her new name by the way…FJ), and so I listed Little Red on Craigslist for half of what I owe on FJ. I sold her for $3000 and held her for three weeks for the guy who wanted her so much. I got a call the night before I was to sell her and he could no longer buy her. At first, my heart sank. I am pretty attached to FJ you see, and I’m letting go of Little Red too. I was in the midst of losing any security I felt that I had. I really wanted to use that money towards getting the title to FJ. As often happens to me, my best laid plans are derailed. I was driving home and as clearly as anything ever, I knew that Little Red did not belong to me. Little Red was gifted to me and many people helped me to care for and maintain her while I had her. To Shawn and everyone when helped me to maintain her, thank you so much! My Mom and Dad put a lot into her too and so letting her go feels like letting go of a piece of both of them, which is probably the true reason I had such a hard time letting her go. Having lost them, letting her go felt like losing them all over again, in a way. Thank you Mom and Dad and Shawn and countless others who journeyed with Little Red and I. Truly, I needed you and you came through. Thank you. I have been so blessed…so, so blessed. To whom much is given, much is expected, as Tamara always reminds me. So it is with great pleasure and with all of my heart that I donate all of the proceeds from Little Red and one of the last dollars in my bank account, to get a new truck for the Sanctuary. My first ever large donation of $3010.00 to Santuario de Karuna, to go toward the purchase of a new truck for my very dearest friends here at the Sanctuary! I even had to call my bank and have a supervisor override my spending limits! Who knew?!

On behalf of my little Brother Shawn and myself, we donate the proceeds from the truck that became not only my transportation, but also the Sanctuary truck for as long as she could keep up. When I had no way to get to and from work, Shawn gave his truck to me…free and clear and without strings. I pay it forward now for the beautiful beings that I share my beautiful life with, here at Santuario de Karuna. Thank you Shawn and Little Red for bringing color and beauty to my world. Thank you for teaching me what it means to be gifted, and for allowing me the feeling of gifting her forward.

To everyone who has donated so far, thank you, from the bottom of our hearts! We love you! Please keep sharing and donating to help us to reach our goal. It would mean the world to me if you could help us to get the animals their truck! Thank you! I love you! Have a beautiful day!

Check us out on Facebook at Santuario de Karuna and donate there! You are welcome to come out and meet the animals, schedule a tour, become a monthly donor, become a volunteer. We would love to have you be a part of our compassionate community!

Each of us has a choice every day. Moments present themselves and we are called to act. I was gifted an opportunity to see firsthand that from whom much is given, much is expected. Tamara has said this to me many times and I get it now. Thank you baby. So, so many lessons and so, so many blessings for my girl and I lately.

Godspeed Little Red! Thank you for the hundreds of thousands of miles that you traveled with me! Thank you for getting me to and fro and for keeping me safe and warm for all of these years! Thank you to a very generous and beautiful friend of the Sanctuary, who purchased Little Red, to help the animals of Santuario de Karuna!

Have a beautiful day everyone! Be the change you wish to see in the world! I dare you!

Nothing anyone ever does will be good enough for those who do nothing at all.

Monday ended and Tuesday began with Nahko Bear and Silly Sigrid…Tamara and stillness in the chaos. Our ears have been flooded with Enyas soft and soothing sound, as we soothe Nahko and tell her that Mala Bear has got her and we have her. Even Enya cannot mask the cries of her sissy up the driveway. An afternoon visit is surely in order. Nahko Bear sure does miss her sissy Mala Bear so, so much.

Nahko Bear has a king size bear bed under the drafting table while we take up residence down here for the next eight days. Nahko Bear has her follow up on Wednesday, March 13th and cannot go up stairs, (to our house/her house) until then. We have had five slumber parties so far. Last night with Silly Sigrid was like a late night tea party. Our studio is small for a Bear and two sillies and so I crawled into the baby bear den with Nahko Bear. What a beautiful night of intermittent slumber, in the arms and covered in the fur of our baby bear. This is a great way for me to literally work on her 24/7 and give her exactly what she and her healing body need. Right now she snores in peaceful slumber and my hear is full. Life with a baby bear is a blessed experience for sure. All of these moments worth other moments, as her life and her well being do depend upon us. I get that on a level I never got that so deeply. I hug Nahko Bear when she cries because her meds make her drowsy and render her unable to do her job. I get it…that horrible feeling, so I lie with her awhile and hold her and tell her it will be okay. Hearing Malas cries she feels far from home and I feel that way too, so we lie together in the home inside our home. We hold each other in the darkness and watch the world under the light at the bottom of the door. Nahko Bear and Silly Sigrid became fast friends and Nahko cried when silly left.

Everyone should be so blessed to have a silly friend who will come for slumber parties. Few know the love of a partner who truly means it when they say to take what you need. Tamara and I are living the dream. We really, really are living our dream. Bears in the studio…goats in the living room…pigs and dogs and cats…ducks and chickens and Hondo if he would only fit, all welcome as they need to be in our inner sanctum. Many, many of you…welcome in our inner sanctum…and you know what? That’s a lot. There are 44 souls in this space…not even accounting for the ones who roam and crawl and run and fly free here. Did you get that? Forty four souls…all in Sanctuary, all healing, all here for the best of the rest of their lives. Tamara and I are counted in those souls, as our souls presence here make possible the work here. I would kindly remind anyone who has forgotten and enlighten those who do not know, this is our home and when you come here, call here…well, we live here. If you can’t help us, we understand. I will ask and actually insist that if you cannot help us, that you not harm us either. Trying to help Nahko to heal or Duncan or Ahimsa…is very difficult when we are not well ourselves. So I ask that you keep that in mind in dealing with Tamara and I…we are living the dream here. Simply for that reason, we cannot be in your drama…any of it. We have so much responsibility here and we are so blessed. Everyone will be cared for, without exception. When we have fundraisers, it is because that is what we do as a non-profit, we raise funds to support the animals. Donate if it moves you to do so. Don’t donate if it doesn’t move you. I will always share our fundraisers and our events, as that is our life’s work. If it bugs you, don’t look at it. Easy Peasy, right? Nothing anyone ever does will be good enough for those who do nothing at all. Just keep that in mind and at heart when you speak. I’ve pondered it much lately…and this is how I feel. Truly…those of us doing something are often annoying to those who don’t have it in them to do anything of much at all.

I am down here with my thoughts, sketchy internet, no plumbing and a lot of time to heal and meditate. In this process and with Nahko Bear, Tamara and Silly Sigrid by my side, I will write a lot. As I wrote, I remind us all that I come here to heal. I write to get it all out, rather than keeping it all in. Please take what you need and leave the rest. My journey, intertwined into yours, and your into mine…we are one, you and I. We would do well to remember that.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I’m off to slumber with Nahko Bear in our sacred and healing space. Thank you silly for visiting us for pizza, tea and a slumber party! We love you! Nahko Bear misses you and sends her love.

Happy Tuesday everyone! I love you!