Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

I am so thankful for AA coffee…

Happy Monday morning. I hope you had a wonderful weekend. I am blessed to have had some amazing client appointments, spectacular studio sessions and I hit a few meetings. My weekend was full and my heart is full. My struggle is real and my heart is full just the same, which I am grateful for.

For me lately, I feel tethered to nothing. I feel like I’m just flailing around out here, desperately trying to connect to something solid, something tangible…all things love and light and truth. My life has become unmanageable, which has enlightened me to the disturbing reality that my life has always been unmanageable. I have always been out there, flailing around and tethered to nothing or no one. Alcohol fueled all of that momentum nicely my whole life, and now I feel empty of my fuel. I feel like I don’t have what it takes, like I don’t know where to get what it takes, other than the loving rooms of AA. And so…that is where you will find me. I didn’t learn these principles at home. I didn’t learn these things in church or school. I didn’t learn many things at all and so I am learning now, how to be a good human being and how to not be selfish and self-serving. I am sad to know how selfish I have been, how selfish I often still am and how far I’ve left to go, as I feel pretty stupid standing here, not knowing. I feel pretty bad about some things I do know and some mistakes I did make. I feel really sad about where I came from and the sickness I was born into. I feel isolated and alone and confused as I begin to unravel what I couldn’t even fucking look at before. AA is not for the faint of heart and yet it’s the only thing left for me. My faint heart will simply have to man the fuck up, roll up her sleeves and get a fucking grip on reality. Sobriety is sobering. Sitting in the rooms and feeling brand new, listening to people’s stories and holding space for broken hearts, I know I am home and I know that I am where I belong.

In our church growing up, we hosted AA meetings. I remember that they had blue bibles and we had black ones. They were sick and we were not, so stay away. Don’t touch their cabinet and stay away from them if they are here. They are smokers and drinkers and stay away from them. I never knew what any of that rhetoric meant. I only know I see and feel people like that in the churches I now frequent for my meetings. No one wants what we have…they want to get the fuck away from us so they don’t get it. So…to cheer you up a bit…you cannot get what I have by sitting next to me. You cannot be stricken with my story simply because you hear it. AA is for people who are sick and some of them smoke and we do have blue bibles. We are closer to God than many of the people in the pulpits. We are more wise than the matriarch of most common families. We alcoholics are a sick fucking bunch, gathering together to tell our stories, in an effort to live well. We drink the most amazing coffee that you will ever taste in the rooms of AA…as my sponsor pointed out yesterday…AA coffee is some humble fucking coffee. Every AA cup of coffee is the best fucking cup of coffee I’ve ever had, as it is brewed in the rooms of AA, and it fits perfectly into my shaking and sweating hands. AA coffee tastes like humble…tastes like healing…tastes like the life we are living. I am so fucking thankful for AA coffee. I fucking love AA coffee. The days that I fuel myself on AA coffee are the best days because I am reminded that I am doing my best to get better. AA coffee…there is nothing like it and they always leave the coffee pot on and the light on for us…Always. None of my friends in addiction could offer me that…only one friend in my addiction offered me AA coffee and stale Oreos…and I accepted, simply because she needed me to go to a meeting with her.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I have not touched alcohol in almost six years. My mom got cancer and died quickly and unexpectedly and I did not drink. My Dad decided that I just wasn’t for him anymore and he left and I didn’t drink. My brother, who used to be just down the hall, feels so, so far away and I wish I could go have a drink with him, like old times, and catch up. I miss my little brother so, so much and in all of this depression, I can’t reach or reach back much. I see my family blown apart, and I don’t drink. I struggle in my marriage and I don’t drink. I hustle to make money and to not have to struggle making money and I don’t drink. Friends and family scattered like wildfires and I do not drink. Medical issues plagued me and I was prescribed enough drugs to kill off a small army and still, I did not drink. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. My place is in the rooms. My life has become unmanageable.

I thank God for my seat in A.A. and for the best fucking coffee in the world. I know that I belong here and that I am always welcome here, no matter which room I wander into. All are welcome here, as long as you’ve a desire to quit drinking, you can come and drink the best coffee ever with me. You can brew your own and you can but your own and you can bring your own…you will never have a better cup of coffee though, than the cup of coffee in those little white styrofoam cups in the rooms of an A.A. meeting. As you are shaking and sweating and crying and barely able to be here at all, your little cup of coffee will shift hands and sit next to you on the floor…maybe on the seat next to you…and you will be next and you will forget about your coffee at all, as you share. You will either have just had the longest three minutes of your life or the time flew by too quickly for your share…and you will reach down for that white styrofoam cup, to grab the security of that cold ass cup of coffee. You will see the coffee makers in the distance and the tear-stained faces all around you, and you will grip your big book like your life depends on it, for you are in the loving rooms of AA and you feel so, so alone. You will watch the clock and pray that time starts to crawl, for time is passing and soon, the doors will open and the coffee will be gone and everyone will scatter. In these final moments, as I scrape myself together, I just want to live in these rooms and drink this coffee until I can stand on my own again. And so, I will live in these rooms and drink this epic fucking AA coffee, gather and collect my phone lists and a new highlighter…I will live and love in these rooms until I can live on my own again. I will thank God for every single cup, for every single drop, of AA coffee. AA coffee is the stuff that allows the broken healing and the unwelcome to be welcome. AA coffee lets us all be the same for an hour at a time, as we prepare to share and heal our stories together. AA coffee is the only coffee for me right now, as I grab another cup and take my chair. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Happy Sunday everyone! I am thankful to be here. I am thankful you are here too. I don’t have much this morning. I have an early client and then hitting a meeting. Meetings and clients take my time and focus lately and I am so thankful. Being in the bars for so many years, it is odd how making time for meeting seemed a struggle at first, and still seems so at times. Making time for what is important isn’t about the time, is it? I mean, it’s about us doing what is important and making time to do it. My sobriety is important…more important than anything else. Without my sobriety, nothing else will matter. Without my sobriety, I’ve no relationship. Without my sobriety, I’ve nowhere to live or to be. So, for me, making time for as many meetings as I can squeeze in…that’s what I’m going to do. I will blow 90/90 out of a 60/90 meeting commitment from my sponsor before I will go down that road again. I will do what I must to stay as I am and get better before I don’t do what I must and fall off of this wagon. Life is for the living and I don’t live very productively when I drink. Hell, I am struggling now in this dry drunkenness! I struggle with this relentless fucking ego and I struggle with my own will and letting go and letting God. I fucking struggle, just like everyone sitting in these rooms. Unlike some, I’ve held on to my sobriety and just lost sight of working the program. I dry drink with my stinking thinking and my action and inaction on things. I become complacent and co-dependent and depressed and hopeless, and such has surfaced in my life enough, to get me working this program like my survival depends upon it. My survival and my sanity, my health and my relationships…my life is riding on me right now, to do what is right and true. My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

We are a sick bunch indeed. Alcoholism is a relentless disease. Alcoholism combined with mental illness and depression…now that’s a fucking cocktail right there my friends. Our stories and what we were like…that’s what keeps us coming back, because some our stories are fucking nightmares. We have lived and survived hell that many will never know or imagine. Our families called us drunks and losers and pathetic…worthless wastes of air and space. We were discarded to our addictions and left to figure it out ourselves.

In my sobriety, I am learning the sickness and the alcoholism and mental illness that exists in my family. The terror and the control and the fear and the constant fucking rhetoric. The blame and the shame and the failure. Yes, my family has always been the first to tell me what is wrong with me…Coral you curse too much, you drink too much…you talk too loud, too much…you’re too quiet Coral…Hey man, fuck you guys! Truly…fuck you guys. Why in the fuck did you put a bottle in my hand before I could fucking speak, and then spend my entire life berating me for it being there?

We have to begin to really know that we are sick. Go grab a copy of the big book…and read “The Doctors Opinion”….truly, go to a meeting, check it out and grab a big book. But Coral you say, I’m not an alcoholic. I hear that…here is the thing though…I am an alcoholic and you are my friend, my wife, my boss, my neighbor…go get the book…join me for a meeting…get to know my disease. Why in the fuck would any sober person want a big book, you ask? Here is my answer… we don’t fucking know each other, except for maybe superficially. We don’t want to…or it gets too fucking deep, too close, too hard for us. We ought to know about A.A. We ought to be telling others about the rooms and that they can get what we have too! We must know that we love people who have the disease of alcoholism and we don’t know anything about their disease. In many cases, we don’t even know alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholism is a disease and we are some sick fucking people. You know what we are doing that many don’t do though? We are getting well and we are lifting each other up and we are loving the shit our of each other, like a mother fucking verb. Do you want what we have? Are you willing to go to any lengths to get it? A.A. works if you keep coming back, because you’re worth it. We must know that every single one of us is worth it.

This morning as I roll out of my bed and onto my knees, I thank God for my sobriety, for my amazing life and my beautiful wife and for all of the amazing people who love me. I thank God for the open and loving arms of A.A. and for always leaving the light and the coffee on for me. The light and coffee are on for you too, you know? I hope to see you in the rooms. That is where you will find me for a while, until I can stand on my own again. Going on six years without a drink, this girl is one-stepping her ass right back through that door…to stay sober, to stay safe, to be loved and welcomed home. I thank God for the rooms of A.A. and for getting me back into my chair there.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you.

For those who wonder where I’ve been…here you go…

Good evening everyone! I am sorry I’ve been elsewhere so distant as of late. My life became unmanageable and I lost my way a bit. My depression sucked me in and had her way with me. Any of you who know depression know of what I am speaking. Depression is a relentless and unforgiving bitch and she often has no fucking mercy what so ever. In my experience of depression, I cease to exist almost entirely. I have been gone from you…this is true. I have been gone also from myself…this is true as well. The struggle is real and I am grateful to be here with you now, as I have greatly and deeply missed you.

I have found myself repeatedly on my knees…begging for grace and mercy…for strength and acceptance. I have landed in the loving rooms and arms of A.A. and I am so thankful! I have a beautiful sponsor, a twelve month chair commitment for the big book study and a 60 meetings in 90 days commitment…all for the small price saving my own soul. Alcohol kills my fucking soul. Alcohol will take me out if I partake of her again. The rooms of A.A. have always opened their arms wide for me and this time, this time…I believe this warm welcome may have just saved my life, as I…my brothers and sisters have lost my way. I lost my way to Coral and I lost my way to finding her and alcohol did not come for me, and I did not come for her…we just hung there in the balance, she and I. We just hung there in the darkness, bargaining with our own mortality to mother fucking take us already…yes, alcohol and I are raging and unhealthy lovers. I bid her ado almost six years ago and she did go. Alcohol did not come for me this time. No, this time alcohol sent her sisters…she sent the stinking thinking…the fuck its and the I don’t give a fucks…the depression and the rage. Alcohol sent her worthlessness, her unforgivingness and her self-loathing and she laid it on me like a mother fucking locomotive. I was buried deep and I did not give but one fuck. Thank God that I gave one fuck…because just that one fuck got me this far. Just that one fuck gave me enough breath and hope and love and self worth to get back into these rooms. With all of my heart, and buried completely under by the fuck its, I was given but one fuck to give and I am so, so thankful. By the grace of God, there go I….

Depression is a thief in the night and she turns the light to the staleness and darkness and hopelessness of eminent spiritual death. Depression robs sleep and reason and logic from you and then spits in your face when you stop giving even one fuck at all to try to save yourself from her. Medicated, depression leaves me absent and comatose…and in my case almost dead. My chemistry does not mix with antidepressants at all. Suicidal ideation becomes suicide attempts so real in my mind that I feel dead inside…and confusion…confusing fog and unrelenting anxiety…depression is an unforgiving and relentless bitch. Depression came for me and I could not escape her grasp. I have been way down deep in the depths of depression. My blog went silent because my words fell into the abyss of my depression. There literally are no words for some of the pain that came for me. A thief in the night and a bitch on wheels…raped and beaten and berated… and pillaged by my diseases and mental disorders…I almost didn’t make it to write this blog today. Depression hurts and mental illness is real. Alcoholism is a disease.

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic. I also have quadruple diagnosis for C-PTSD. I am an incest survivor. I suffer from severe misophonia and I have severe and constant anxiety. I suffer from depression. I have never been enough and have very often been too much. My desire to get well is often overruled by my disease and my mental illness. Today though…today, I am here with you and I am so thankful for that. Truly…thank you for being here with me this evening. I love you.

Depression is real and depression does hurt. I only hope that being open about where I have been will help you to know the depths I have fallen into, the pain I have been in and the hope that I lost somewhere along the way. Depression is a bitch in wheels and she cares not for resistance…she cares not of borrowed time…depression sucked and engulfed me into the abyss that knew no bounds…not until the light entered the crack where my heart shattered into a million tiny pieces. The light entered and I begin my ascension. Depression will not have me today. Not today satan…not today.

I was blessed with a beautiful weekend in Golden, Colorado with my beautiful girl. We saw Trevor Hall and Nahko and Medicine for the People at Red Rocks on Sunday.

I’ve taken all of that medicine and all of God’s glorious creation and I have wrapped myself up in it, covered myself in its goodness and it’s glory and mercy. I have allowed the acoustics of the most amazing Amphitheatre in the world to heal me, to transform and transcend me…to grow me and heal me and lift me back up…I will not die in this abyss. I will not succumb to my disease. I will not let my mental disorders the incest tattoo on my forehead keep me from forging on. I will not give up. I will not give in. As I begin to rise, I take you with me. Take my hand my brothers and sisters…now is our time and these are our days. We are here and we belong here. I love you. I love you so much. Thank you for loving me so much too. Have a beautiful evening!

Sending some love through the pain this morning…

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday. I am blessed to be here…sober, alive and going at it again this morning. Some days I overlook the significance in just getting this far and somehow, today I am keenly aware that I’ve only this moment, and therefore I must begin to live here, in the present…here in the now.

My life has a way of sneaking up behind me and revealing itself all at once, leaving me overwhelmed and confused sometimes. This morning my life can be summed up in three words, it’s a trip! My life is a fucking trip!

I see that the struggle is real for so many of us right now. I just saw that a friend of mine from long ago passed away yesterday. I had no idea that he was even sick and I feel a little empty in this knowing this morning. Rest in sweet peace Ed. We lose people through time and distance and death. We lose people by losing touch, don’t we? I pray for Ed’s family and I send all of my love. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

My dear friends lost their precious Ruby last night also and so I ask for love and prayers, that their hearts heal and be comforted at this time. Blessed be Ruby. All of my love to my friends who lost their friend.

The pain is just too much to look at this morning. Truly, humanity is taking a dive down the fucking shitter! We have lost our way and our love and our decency in this world and so today I pray for love for us all, for peace for our world and for love to conquer all else.

People are hurting people and taking from people and entitled as fuck. Gratitude is missing and expectation is high. Depression is rampant and life is hard. Love is fleeting and people are fucked up. Yep, it’s time for a meeting. My life has become unmanageable in all of this fucking pain.

I am learning how to love the way it feels good for me. I am defining my love and I hope you can feel my love. In all of this pain, be the love that gets us through. Be the love when the pain is dialed up way too high. Be the smile when the world is frowning. Be the change when the world stays stagnant. Be love. Our world needs us to be the love.

As the sun is coming up this morning, I thank God for another day to do my best, another day to give my all and to be better than I was yesterday. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I’m on a mission to make my life beautiful. I really do hope you will join me.

Have a beautiful day and love someone today. Love someone out loud and with all you’ve got today. I dare you!

My name is Coral and I am an alcoholic.

Good morning. I’m sorry I’m so distant. The struggle is real and I am just finding my way through it. My life is in the serenity prayer and daily meetings as of late. I am blessed to have a sponsor and a meeting to chair to keep me coming back. The rooms are the most welcoming and inviting place for me to be right now, as my life has become unmanageable. The rooms are where I belong if I wish to stay out of the abyss that has taken me before, in times like these. The rooms are my safe zone and that is where you will find me until I’m strong enough to make it on my own.

I am so thankful, grateful and blessed to have my sobriety. Dry drinking though, has led me back to the meetings and the rooms and my tribe. Five and a half years sober and I got a desire chip yesterday, to remind me how fragile we all are…how fragile I am right now. Drinking is not the only danger in losing ones sobriety and ones self. For me, drinking does begin the downward spiral that I have fallen into so, so many times before. I know with all of my heart that I would not come out of it alive again.

I am so blessed with an amazing partner and so thankful for the gift of the rooms and my tribe. So thankful to my sponsor for swooping me up and taking me under her wing at this time. I struggle and yet I know how truly blessed I am. Thank you to each of you who carries me through. Thank you for your love me. I love you too.

I cannot explain the place I am in right now, other than to say again that the struggle is real. To each of you struggling, I love you. To each of you loving me through my struggle, thank you. Have a blessed and beautiful day today.

If you would like to, please pray with me this morning:

God,

Grant me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Amen

Happy Saturday!

Happy Saturday everyone! I hope you’ve an amazing weekend planned for yourselves. I am getting ready for clients and so my weekend is off to a good start so far. I am so blessed with such amazing clients and my work is not like work at all, which I am so thankful for. I am pausing while Tamara is down and so I’m sorry I’ve not been as available as I like to be. My schedule will open up soon. I am actually offering some Sanctuary studio sessions outdoors. I have been working really hard to create space for healing sessions out in nature. I call them “our secret gardens” and they are throughout the Sanctuary. These spaces are being created with healing energy portals and they are highly sacred and charged to heal. So…some very exciting news on the horizon on that front.

All of the animals are doing very well. They sure do miss their momma Tam while she is healing. Tamara is integrating back in and everyone is taking care of each other. We feel blessed beyond measure for the life we live up here on the mountain. We thank you for your love, support, and all of your reaches. We feel you and we thank you and we love you.

If you are interested in a healing studio session with me out in the mountains, please get in touch with me. I am putting together some great material for our healing, and I look forward to hearing from you. Spaces are limited as Tamara heals and please know I will always make time if you need me.

Lots of reflection lately and lots of things to look at and feel and work through in my life. I have been struggling for so, so long. I know many of us have been struggling for so, so long. I know my purpose for being here is to love us home and I’m just now learning how to love and that I fucking suck at it. How can you suck at your own life’s purpose? I know, right? Very discouraging for me to learn that I am an unlovable and loveless lover…simply because I don’t know how to love. This is true. I do not know how to love. The love I learned wasn’t so much love at all. I am teaching myself to love the way that love feels right to me. I am learning to love and I want to invite you to learn and teach love with me. That is why I am here and so I am looking forward to becoming a good lover as I learn to love me and you and everyone else just a little better than I did yesterday. Love is a word that has been used and misused…misguided and abused…hurtful and pointed…those things are not love. Love is an unconditional place…an accepting and warm and inviting place. As I create this in my life and my reality, I cannot wait to share it with all of you! We all deserve to learn how to love and be loved, and so if you are down for it, I invite you on this journey of love with me!

For today, I begin by praying for grace, mercy, peace and understanding in my life, and that above all, I may be those things and offer those things for others today. For today, that is enough. I love you. Have a beautiful Saturday!

A Tamara update and a thank you for your love….

Good morning everyone! Happy Thursday! I have really struggled to get here lately. Tamara has been my priority and we have been getting through it. The first photo is April 23rd and the second photo was taken yesterday. Tamara had skin cancer removed and 65 stitches to the face. There is nothing like cancer to stop your life in its tracks and to re-route you. Cancer took my Mom in 2015. Hearing the word cancer again with my girls name in the same sentence, has definitely rocked our fucking world. We thank each of you for your love and prayers. We appreciate you understanding our absence. The struggle has been real for sure lately. I’ve not said much, as this is Tamara’s journey. Tamara opened up a bit yesterday, and so I open up a bit today. We really have turned inward for this one. We really have grabbed hold of one another and held on tight through this storm. So, we are so thankful for all of you…loving us and praying for us and being here for us. Thank you.

Every reach has meant so much to us. Every call and text and visit has loved us through the hard stuff. Tamara is Santuario, and so without her, The Sanctuary just isn’t the same. As we all hold space here, Tamara’s absence is noticed. As we all do our best here, Tamara’s special touch is missing. As I look at all Tamara does, I am overwhelmed and I can only do what I can do. Everyone is happy, safe and well and holding space for Momma Tam.

My Mom found out she had cancer in the beginning of October and died on December 3, 2015. I had a complete hysterectomy a year ago, as to avoid cancer myself. Tamara having cancer has definitely rocked my world. Of all of the things I’ve lost in my life, Tamara is the one who stayed. Of all of those gone, my girl is still here. There are no words for how thankful I am to have Tamara in my life, as my partner and best friend and my soul mate. Thank each of you for loving my beautiful girl so, so much!

And so, the struggle has been real. My head has been to the ground. Depression has me by the balls that I don’t even fucking have. We have definitely been going through it. We have definitely hit a bottom here that we didn’t even know we had in us. We are so grateful to be seeing some light in this tunnel. They got the cancer and my girl is healing and we are so, so blessed! So to each of you, for all of your love, thank you and all of our love right back at you!

Have a beautiful day today and please send Tamara all of your love. We are back on Friday to her dermatologist for a couple of more spots on her face, and we ask for your love and prayers again. We ask you to lift us up and we pray that these are spots are benign and that they do not have to cut my girl anymore.

All of our love and thanks to each of you, for how you love us. Have a beautiful day!

Sherry Lesson: You can always make taco salad!

Happy Monday everyone! I hope you had a beautiful day! I made red chili calabacitas tacos for dinner tonight. Taco Monday, as it were at our house! As I was preparing the shells, a Sherry Lesson came through. I wanted to share it with all of you.

I have always liked hard shell tacos. I just really dislike when the shell breaks while I’m biting into my taco. I especially dislike it when this happens on the first bite. Anyway, as a child, it was very disheartening for me. As the crack took my one piece taco, and rendered it a pile on my plate, my mom lovingly reminded me that I could always make taco salad, and eat it with my spoon.

Tonight, a life lesson, and a reminder from Sherry…when your taco shell breaks, make yourself an amazing taco salad!

In your life, in that beautiful little shell of yours, when you start cracking, always remember that you are only a broken taco…which allows you to be the most beautiful taco salad. Our cracks are where the light enters us, as Rumi reminds us. We are broken to take new form, and we are stronger when we rise from our ashes. When your taco shell breaks, make yourself a taco salad!

Have a beautiful evening everyone! I love you! Thank you for the lesson mom! I love you too!

A thank you post for all of you…

Happy Wednesday everyone! Thank you for helping us to search to bring Storm home and for all of the love and prayers for her family. Please keep the love coming and keep your eyes open for her, as she has been missing for a week today. We were out for a while last night and we surround her with love and light as she finds her way back home.

Thank you for the love for Tamara and I also. The outpouring of love and support is so appreciated. I put up a fundraiser, as Tamara takes care of all of that, so we wouldn’t go too low on funds. Thank you for sharing and donating and for putting up your own fundraisers for us. Thank you for blowing up your fundraisers with your people to get us more shares, likes and donations. After all, that is how we keep this non-profit going…on your donations! The more you put into your fundraisers, the more you will see them grow, so please grow them for us! Of all of the things on my plate right now, I just cannot get to fundraising and social media, so I appreciate your help with that. Thank you.

We really do feel and appreciate each of you and your reach for us. Life hit us pretty hard with this one and we are holding our own through this storm. For me, this is such a Storm where I just have to keep my head down and myself focused, so that I don’t lose my way. I am sorry for missed callas and texts and meetings. I really am just staying afloat right now. Thank you for understanding and being patient. Thank you to each of my clients for being so flexible and amazing all the time. I fucking love you guys so much! Thank you.

All of our thanks, truly, for holding us through this storm. We hope to be back very soon.

We hope you have a beautiful day today and that you love someone who needs it. We all need it, so you are free to love whomever you choose today. Just love someone extra today, would you? Make our world a better place by loving each other. I love you. Have a beautiful day!

Sunday morning thoughts…

Good morning and happy Sunday everyone. Thank you for all of the love and prayers. I feel you guys and I really do appreciate each of you. I really do just have my head down. I am pushing through some really hard stuff. I feel really wide open and the pain is relentless. So, if I have not called you or messaged you back…if I canceled last minute…I really am sorry. I am not in a good place and I am unable to juggle everything right now. If I have been a shitty friend, I really am sorry. I am finding that right now, I don’t have much to offer outside of myself and my household and my clients.

I am taking a couple of new clients. I have been debating for a while and I decided to open up a couple of studio sessions and to take a couple of more weekly client sessions also. I offer one hour sessions, two hour sessions and custom sessions, all geared toward healing and growing into healing space. All sessions will be billed and paid at the time of service. I accept cash, checks and pay pal. Please contact me at 505-269-9242 if you are interested in working with me. Spaces are limited and will booked on a first come, first serve basis. I know there are a few of you who have been waiting for this opportunity, so please hit me up!

Other than that, today I just want to be out in nature. I am drawn to the open space and the energy of the wide open right now. The solitude suits me and I pray for guidance, mercy, faith and humility, as I go about my day.

Memories flood me of past days out in the yard with my family. Digging in the dirt with Shawn and “working” so hard alongside my Dad. Now I just feel empty and hollow and broken, digging in the dirt all by myself. I cry a lot. I cry constantly and non-stop sometimes. I break a lot and flail a lot and sob a lot. I just could not possibly have imagined my life being so absent of the family that I held so close to me for so long. I don’t feel sorry for me. I just fucking hurt for me all of the fucking time lately. For those of you holding space for me, thank you. For all of the love and prayers for Tamara as she heals and finds her new normal, I appreciate you more than you know. The struggle has definitely been real for us and so we appreciate knowing that you’ve got us in your heart and your prayers. Thank you.

To anyone I have wronged, please know that I truly am sorry. I am learning that I’ve not always occurred the way that I thought I occurred. I am learning that I haven’t always been the best friend or girlfriend…the best employee, student or employer…the best sister or daughter or lover. I am flawed in ways that I was unaware. I am sorry if I hurt you in my absence of my own self. I am sorry if I disregarded you in my own pain. I’m sorry if I didn’t see you and hug you and hold you closer. My truth is that I really don’t know how. I am learning and teaching myself how to get what I need, which is how I learned I didn’t know what that was.

Love is abstract to many. To me, love is all there really is. All I’ve ever really wanted to be is love. Defining love though…well I am in the throes of doing that now. I am learning what love is to me and how to give and receive love. In not knowing love like I thought I did, I am humbled and on my knees a lot. I am in prayer and constant meditation as I learn what I want my love to look and feel like. I am learning by trial and error what I do not want my love to feel like. I am learning that sometimes when I thought I was loving that I wasn’t. Some of the people that I thought I was loving, I actually was not loving like a verb. I haven’t loved everyone the way I want to be loved. I haven’t treated everyone the way I want to be treated. I thought I had. I really thought I had done better than I had at loving. I really thought I had treated people better than I probably have. It saddens me to learn that I, the girl who wants to love so much and so deeply, is not a very good lover at all. I the friend that I would want to have…and maybe not so much. Maybe I’m just a friends friend. I have lacked vision to see where I have failed to be a friend to the friends of some of my friends. Knowing this, I will be better. Feeling this, I am pained. Getting this, I evolve a bit and I am grateful.

Have a beautiful day everyone! I love you. I pray for you today, that you are able to find some love and healing in your life. I am headed out to get some love and healing of my own.