Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

Happy Birthday Shawn!!!!!

Good morning everyone! First a baby bear update: Nahko and Coral slumber party number nine is on the books! Nahko Bear is doing so, so well and we are so proud of our girl! We go to the vet on Wednesday for her post op follow up, so please keep the love and prayers coming. Mala Bear is going out of her mind without her sissy. Anyone who believes that animals do not feel pain has not been sitting with one crying until the other one finally stops crying. There is no consolation for pain and separation like losing the one whom you love more than anyone else in your life. Our girls have only ever known each other and so this has been excruciating to watch. Momma and I are so proud of you baby bears! Very soon you will be reunited and it will feel so good for all of us! I am sitting in almost constant silence, napping in Nahkos baby bear den and resting more than I would have given myself permission to rest. We are blessed. Every day, in every way, we are so, so blessed. Thank you for your love and prayers for our baby bears as they get through this very difficult time of separation from each other.

Today is a very special day to me. Today is my little brother Shawn’s Birthday. Happy Birthday Shawn! Forty three years ago I was waiting anxiously for my Mom and Dad to bring my baby brother home from the hospital. My Mamma and I were making and eating mud pies in the backyard when Shawn finally came home from the hospital. Be still my little heart. Just look at that perfect little boy! Look at my baby brother! I will love him for always, the best I can. I promise. Thank you God. Thank you. I promise to love him always! He is perfect and just who I asked for! Thank you God! I love him! Thank you! My conversation with God went something like that, for God just bestowed upon me, my greatest gift.

All of these years later, and I still thank God for my baby brother every single day. Today I woke thinking of you and tonight when I lie down I will be praying for you. Every day I carry you with me in my heart.

Shawn and I have had a rough few years. Losing our Mom three years ago and being fairly estranged from one another made the pain worse. I felt the loss of my mom and my little brother so deeply and so profoundly. For our whole lives our Birthdays were the one time that we all committed to being together, no matter where we were, if we could. The four of us always tried to honor our birthdays as sacred. This is yet another thing that left with my Mom. I am coming to an acceptance of it and yet I still cling to the way it made me feel to be a part of my family. Today, for me, reminds me that I am not all alone, for today is my little brothers birthday. No matter where he is and no matter where I am..ever…we will always be with one another. We have always been together, even when we felt so far apart. Some days I forgot this and I grieved as though he had passed away too. Today, I thank God for his return and for our continued healing. Happy Birthday Shawn. I love you!

If you have a sibling, I’m sure you can relate to a love that knows no words. For me, and I am of many words, there are not adequate words to describe this love. I will try though, for today is my little brothers birthday.

You were so little and I was so proud. Your big sister and my little brother. Your sparking eyes and your angel smile. A smile sent down from the heavens by God himself. Tiny fingers and toes and tears and laughter. Smelly poops and funny faces. Temper tantrums and squealing. Soft blankets and smelly food on a rubber spoon. Sleepless nights and laying for hours in your baby blanket in the middle of the floor. You laughed a lot. It was more of a giggle. Your cheeks were rosy red and you were so, so happy to finally be here. I don’t know from where you came…you were not of this world. You were kinder and more gentle. You were fragile like an angel fallen. You were more innocent and less inhibited. You were my special and my salvation. Your coming here gave me everything to look forward to. The years grew us closer and the miles never kept us far apart. The chaos wasn’t lost on us and yet it never really was us. The sadness inside of me stayed lit by your smile. My loneliness was lifted by your presence. You were my everything from the moment I knew you were coming here. It is like I knew you would save me somehow. You did, you know, save me. When nothing else of my entire world remained at all, you walked back in. When it all came crashing down, you reached for me. When every single other person left, you returned. Today, especially today, as I write and cry, I thank God for you. God gives. Thank you God for Shawn. Lives separate and coming back together. Memories. Motherless. Who ever thought we would be..just you and I…here? We aren’t big enough to be on our own. We aren’t old enough or strong enough to make it without them. Ahhh, and yet we are. We are strong enough. We are still here. They have gone from us and we stand here before us. We must know that this is something. We must feel that this is special. On your birthday, know that you are perfect. Every other day, know that you are perfect. Today, I celebrate you. Today I remember the day you came in and I thank God again for my greatest gift. 43 years ago I asked God for a baby brother just like you. Thank you God. Happy Birthday Shawn. I love you little brother! Have a beautiful first birthday of the rest of your life!

Happy Saturday everyone else! Please say it with me…”Happy Birthday Shawn!”

Will you all love me though this? (And Happy Birthday Shawn)

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Good morning! Thank you for all of the love and shares for Morgan. I believe in love and I believe in standing united and I believe in the strength and the power of prayer. I believe that we can love Morgan home and that love will free her badly battered body and spirit from the confines that bind her.

I believe so much, that I know, that love is the answer. Love is the answer for Morgan and love is the answer for you and love is the answer for me.

More than anything, Morgan wants freedom and Morgan wants to return home to her people. Morgan wants to be in space large enough for her spirit to soar. Don’t we all want that? I mean truly, isn’t that what we all want…to be with our people in a space that doesn’t suffocate us? Don’t we all want to be free to fulfill our Dharma?

The golden rule always comes into play for me…always. I have believed, as long as I can remember, that we ought to treat people the way we would like to be treated. I believe that if we all did that, without fail, the world would be a much kinder and softer and loving place.

My world has not been this…people have not treated me like they would like to be treated. It seems much more likely to me that I have been treated as they have been treated.

The rage in the beatings I have endured and the hate in the attacks launched upon me…the force brutal enough to break my jaw and so many other bones in my body and reign its terror throughout the sacred places in my body, leaving horrific scar tissue and a barren wasteland resembling the destruction left by  land mines. I believe that hurt people hurt people. People that do these things, whether they know it or not and whether or not they admit it…these people are hurt people. Hurt people hurt people.

For those of you following my hurting ass, I am still hurting pretty bad. I went to my chiropractor yesterday and she put my jaw back in place and kinesotaped my face to hold it in. I have been seeing my chiropractor for over 20 years, and yesterday, we hurt together. My broken jaw, pops out of place during times of extreme pain and stress in my life and it fucking hurts! It hurts so bad.

While my chiropractor put me back together, her staff worked diligently to get me information and referrals. I cried through my whole appointment, inconsolable and unstoppable tears. I was loved through pain that most people cannot imagine, and I am so thankful.

The intensity of the pain is causing my entire body to clench shut in a protective stance. The trauma and abuse to my body is clamped inside theses walls and cannot be accessed without complete sedation.

Any of you who have sought out TST (trauma sensitive treatment) may know how difficult and painful it is to tell and retell your story, desperately trying to find someone who will just put me to sleep to go down there and do what they need to do.

After countless phone calls, prayers and much frustration and trauma, I got a referral from someone who knows me, I mean really knows me and sees me and hears me and I am so thankful. I will be making appointments today for necessary procedures and I ask for all the love you’ve got…all of the prayers you can send up and to help carry me through this.

Everything below my waste has been best left alone for years, as i was so badly brutalized for so many years. To have to have someone else poke and prod around down there without me being asleep…well to be honest, Sam and I just are not ready.

All I know right now is that I have something down there that does not belong. The pain has actually topped my pain chart and is unbearable and constant.

Never in my life have a prayed for hemorrhoids, but I am fucking praying for hemorrhoids now. Hemorrhoids is looking to be my best case scenario, especially with all of the cancer in my family.

I have fought so fucking hard, just to survive, just to be here. I have endured unspeakable abuse and repeated abuse over the course of my lifetime. I will not be taken out of this world with ass cancer!

My private journey of 44 years has just been released from the vaults that kept these secrets safe for generations. My voice just spoke the unspeakable truth. My abuser has been publicly named. My Mom died of cancer. I will not go out like this… I will not, after everything I have lived through, let something wrong with my badly assaulted ass take me out…I just won’t do it.

I happen to believe that I’ve big work to do, which I’ve not even begun to do yet. I’m just now, at 44 years old, getting started. I believe that we all have big work to do and now is the time to get started. There is no other time…just now. Now is all we have…now is all we have ever had and now is all we will ever have.

I ask for your love, for your prayers, for your support…during this extremely difficult time in my life. I am strong and I need some help to get through all of this. I am willing, I am scared and I am hurting…and I am asking for you to love me through this.

I cannot ask you to be the change if I cannot be the change. I cannot expect you to have hope if I’ve lost my hope. I cannot encourage you to be brave if I am running scared. I cannot support you and not allow you the gift of supporting me too. I cannot tell you, with all of the conviction in me, that love is enough, and not believe it myself.

We must grab each other’s hands and we must embrace one another in our pain and our fears…in our trials and tribulations…in our despair and our loss and our pain…and we will rise up!

Morgan will rise up. Coral will rise up. You will rise up…if we all just keep lifting each other up, we will all rise up. There is no ceiling and there are no limits…we can go as high as we take each other, so let’s get going.

I do not mention names without asking people first, except as I feel I need to, so I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who held me through yesterday…thank you for helping me to keep one foot in front of the other and to keep fighting the good fight. Thank you for the love and the hugs and the Kleenex, for the texts and phone calls and for keeping me in constant love and prayer. Thank you for loving me and seeing me and helping Sam and I to be brave enough to go to the doctors we need to go to.

Very important to me on this day is my little Brothers Birthday. We have been distant and awkward and estranged since my Mom died. Like I have said, losing my Mom was just the beginning of my loss. Death came for far more than my Mom on that day…

Happy Birthday Shawn! I love you so, so very much. I am so sorry that we lost our way, that we didn’t know how to bridge the gap between us. I am so sorry for all that you witnessed happening to me. I have never envied you for that and I’ve always been blessed that it was me and not you. Please know that I know, that it was you too…you were hurt too. Maybe not like me, but you were hurt too and I am so sorry that I could not protect you. I celebrate you today, as I do vividly remember the day that Mom and Dad brought you home from the hospital. On that day, I received my most cherished gift ever, my little baby brother, and I have loved you so very, very much.

Im pretty sure that you do not follow my blog and I believe that I unfriended you in all of this pain between us…and yet somehow, I hope the universe brings you my message today…Happy Birthday little Brother…your big sister loves you so, so much!

Maybe you could all send my little brother some love today…we’ve had a rough go of it and he needs your love every bit as much as I do…

Have a beautiful Birthday Shawn! I love you! Everyone else…have a beautiful day and I love you too!