Coral’s Healing Room at Coralsblog.com 505-269-9242 iwritetohealmyself@gmail.com I rise early. I go to bed early. If you need me, I will make myself available to you.

You are writing your own story. Make it a good one!

Good morning beautiful people! Happy Friday and what a day to make a different choice, wouldn’t you agree?

I went to bed with my body blessed by angels once again and I am so, so thankful! I went to bed next to the most amazing and beautiful girl in the world…my truest and dearest friend and my best confidant…my soulmate and my lover…the co-founder of a dream that we are building together…my anchor and my rock…and I am blessed beyond measure! I had a day full of the most beautiful and grateful clients, who pay me well and love me well and I am open and ready for some more clients like that please! I had a beautiful morning working with my colleagues, for the healing of one of our very own, and I am blessed beyond measure to be amongst such prestigious colleagues, who know and trust my work, to have me place my hands and my energy upon their best friends. I will always value and invite time like this, to give back to those who refer and share me with you, so that I can help you too and pay my bills. To everyone who loves me like a verb…thank you, and I am an open invitation for some more love like that please! My little brother and my sister checked in on me, as we have been most recently doing for one another and I will definitely have some more of that please! I had weekly tea with my very best friend, Sigrid, and I will always welcome more time and love and space and honesty and friendship, like a verb, like that, in my life! Coral and Sigrid tea time is nourishment and fuel for my soul on this journey and I am blessed! To all of these endeavors, I drove in the FJ Cruiser that I love and cherish so much, as Jesus takes the wheel, and my musical medicine blasts through the speakers, of the piece of my mom and dad that I have left, and I am thankful! I feel my beautiful and radiant cousin, Regina, in and around all of the good and positive and wonderful memories of my past and with me always on this journey and I love you so much cousin! Always, in all ways, I have room for love like Regina…thank you and more…yes please! I arrived home safe and sound at our Sanctuary in the woods, surrounded by all of my best friends…for they love me from wherever they are, to wherever I am, always and without fail or prejudice, and I am home! My health is good and getting better every day, in every way. “Every day, in every way, I am getting better and better.” And I am so thankful for my life and for those who share this journey with me. Every day begins and ends in gratitude. Every day I am better than I was yesterday. And so it is.

This is the version of how my day ended and began that I am choosing to share and to focus on. These are the parts of my day that I am pulling out to give thanks for. These moments are my focus henceforth. These are the people I choose to rejoice in and to be grateful for, as are they for me, life’s breath. Everyone and everything else, that does not serve my highest good, I release! I stand in love and for, love in all things. I believe in love and I believe in each of us. I believe, with all of my heart in the good things coming! Thank you, my brother, Nahko, for your love.

Love is an action word and I challenge each of to truly grasp this and to know this and to live this! Love in action will open up your life!! Love in words…well, we all know what that empty and often loveless love feels like, don’t we? Where there is void, to be love in action and you will fill the void. Love in action is not always easy, as it is an action, not an empty mouth full of empty promises and lies. Action, being in action and of service…very different from choosing the “right” words, wouldn’t you agree?

We all make a choice every time we open, or do not open our mouths. I am choosing to keep my mouth closed in situations where I have nothing kind to say. In this silence, I pray for peace for those whom I choose not to open my mouth to anymore. I choose to whom I speak and to whose calls I heed. I choose whose words I shall open myself up to. I give myself permission to leave when I am done. I give myself permission to choose the clients whom I can help and to charge accordingly for my time and my services. I ask the universe to bless us all that we be synced together for our highest goods. I pray that we all feel the value of the relationship we walk into together. I pray that we each be served and valued for our life’s work and our contributions accordingly. And so it is.

Have a beautiful Friday everyone! You are writing your own story today. What will you write? Let’s write a with all of our hearts, shall we?

I will rise from these ashes.

I lingered and then lingered some more, as I knew that when I left, I would not pass this way again. All of the memories and horrors…all of the expectation and disappointment and disgust…all of this fucking pain. I stood in all of that pain. As the pain kept raining down, I stopped seeking refuge and shelter. I just stopped. I decided instead, to let the rain and the tears wash me away. Wash me all away. I have never really done much more than existed, and that was a chore at times. Standing here though…being here and repeatedly trying to leave here…all while trying to find a way to stay here. Something broke in me. I let it break. Literally being shredded and mocked and taunted with tones and rigid jaw lines and then being rendered lifeless by the contempt. There’s no fight for this. There are no words for this. There is no reprieve from this. This has never been okay. I have never been safe. I have been thrown away and I grieve as though I am the one who left. I would never have left. I know I am not the leaver… I am the left behind…a pattern I’ve learned and repeated so, so many times before. I won’t act like this is okay. I forgive. I cannot forget. I love. We are the best thing that ever came of all of this. We stand alone. I stayed and I held space. This pain though…I have never known pain like this before. Foreign and so familiar is the pain that finally hit me hard enough for me to go down. We closed out a couple of lifetimes standing there. There was no budge and I cannot bend anymore without fracturing myself beyond repair. I regress. This morning though…first thing when I opened my eyes… the tears continue to fall. No dam can hold the flood of tears on their way down. No force can stop the flood and there is no comfort to be found. I haven’t spoken much of this, as I don’t even begin to know how to find the words. These words, somehow jumbled and coded, edited into “I” statements. These words are so void of all of the pain inside. These words are the best that I can stammer out, in an effort to relieve the tension that holding them has caused.

This is about me. This is about me and how I feel about what has been done. I have the power to make decisions best for me. I am not powerless. Making someone else wrong will never make any of us right. Lies are an attempt to hide a truths that don’t align with us. I have been invisible and I have been hurt repeatedly and on purpose. Over and over, and over again, I’ve not been seen at all. And I…I am barely breathing and moments away from ceasing to exist anymore at all. I am dying and I have been blatantly denied life support. I am drowning and the flood gates have been opened anyway. I am broken as the cord that held my world snaps and crashes down on top of me. I am struggling in the rubble and I extend my hand. I see the shadow pass before me and the hands shoved in the pockets of the dark image passing by. I am but a lowly beggar and my basket is nearly empty. My heart nearly broken. My face tear stained and aged and lined. I stand alone and so I am going now too. Another thing and the worst of things is that I would fix this if I could. I cannot. I cannot fix this. I did not break this. Unaccountability and anger and greed and rage and entitlement and contempt that can no longer be disguised or hidden behind other words seeps out and drains my soul. The mask has fallen off and the truth, scribbled across the shadows of a face I used to know. I can. I won’t. The rhetoric in my head, that I repeat on accident…unsettling. A broken little girl in a woman’s body. Sam and Coral and Coral and Sam, tumbling about, being tossed and turned out…A golden boy falling from grace that never befell him. And she in her casket. We have fallen apart. We have fallen from grace. We have lost more than we ever could have imagined. And my soul shrieks in the most agonizing pain of this lifetime. The bloodstains and the tears…the flashbacks and the right nows…the horrors and the lifelessness…the lovelessness…and I must go on.

For each painful thing that befalls me, and oh how it has befallen me, that I cannot turn seem to turn positive and to the light, I offer three positives and I give thanks. And I am on my way to that, in the midst of all of this.

In the loss of all I’ve truly ever known, I have gained the opportunity to be myself. And I give thanks.

I have done enough here and so I must go, as I’ve much good work to do our there. It rips my heart into bits to be begrudged the little bit of happy I have found and to feel the venom seeping out. Our house was full of strangers and friends…friends who who aren’t even friends back…and we watched from the outside of the glass. We had our little faces pressed against the glass, peering through the window at the Christmas of someone else in a home that we used to call our own. And we cry…God do we fucking cry. And I must go on. Without the knowing of how, I will go on.

Brand new, I return to the rooms of AA. Beginning again, from my lowest point in four and a half decades, I crack the cover of my big book for the first time. I begin again. I die this death to be born anew. I die this death to begin my life as me, for I will not dwell here any longer.

For the gifts and the lessons and for the endless and abundant blessings, I am so thankful. I truly am. I know how blessed I am. I write to heal myself. I write to get all of this out. I write to try to sort myself, my life…this. I intend to harm no one. And, I will not be silent. I have carried the sins of many. I have endured the beatings of nations. Today, on this day, I decide. Tomorrow and the next day and all of the days after that, I decide. From now on and for always, I decide. My decisions will be in my own best interest and in my own highest good…in the highest good of everyone, for we are all the same.

I am in the throes of something that I must go deep within to resolve and sort out. I have pulled myself out of circulation today and will not be available, as I repair my heart and lick my wounds. As I prepare my inner warrior for spiritual battle, I must prepare a place and I must ready myself for the letting go that is taking place, to prepare for all of the good things coming. These embers are still hot and cooling down, and as I patiently wait for them to become ashes, I prepare myself to rise up. I will rise from these ashes. And so it is.

As always, I send all that does not serve us, back to the universe to be recycled for the greater good of us all. I love you. Have a beautiful Sunday!

The morning after my shift in consciousness…

Good morning everyone! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas yesterday. I woke up in pretty rough shape and I really had to search my soul to rise above it. I meditated and medicated and prayed. I cried and I broke down. I wailed and broke inside. I went inside to get ready to go out into the world and be of service and I got a text from my Dad, for Christmas. A text. In the shower, I thought, I will call my Daddy when I get out of the shower and wish him a Merry Christmas. I came out of the shower spiritually lifted and powered up a bit and yet still struggling. I picked up my phone and I saw the text. I started to unwind. Tears started to fill my eyes again. My chest got tight and I wanted to crawl back into bed. Hearing nothing from my Dad on December 3rd, because the text he wrote never sent, we agreed to call and not text on important days. His idea and I concurred…no more texting, especially on the really hard and important days. And I sit here hurting and not feeling that I can write about it…reading it might hurt him so I must not write it at all. I’ll just carry it. Guess what? I am done fucking carrying it. The hurt I’m feeling…the loss I’m suffering…the one who I miss more than my dead Mom…it’s my Dad. I fucking miss my Dad. The man I write about…the man I can no longer reach…that’s my Dad. The text I got on Christmas, that said says Merry Christmas and you hope I have a decent day…that text was from my dads phone…on Christmas, and I almost shattered completely. I refuse to dwell here any longer. This mother fucking pain is too much and it’s not mine. I’ve plenty of my own. I love my Dad and I begrudge him nothing. His absence is noticed and has been for quite a while now. From October through the holidays, since my mom got sick and died, I have struggled. I walked through the initial struggle of losing my mom with my dad and I left my life and my partner to do so. I regret nothing. I only know better now than to ever put anyone above my partner, even my dying mom and my horribly grieving father. My family business is no ones business and so I regress. Corals blog though…this is mine and I write to heal myself. I come here to heal me and to sort my life out. I do my best to be respectful and to exercise decorum. I write, with love, my truth…the only truth I have, to help to heal us all. I write to get out what has been held captive inside me. As soon as it’s written, I say a prayer of thanks for the lessons and I allow them to become blessings for us all. I package them up neatly and I return them to the universe for the greater good of us all. And so it is. This blog though…Corals blog…this is mine. I write what I want and how I feel. I write my story and my experience here. You may not edit me or silence me or tell me who I am here.

I grew up with so much expectation on me to be a certain way and to do things in a certain way. I tried very hard to meet those expectations. I will not do that anymore. I don’t meet expectations. I will treat you how I would like to be treated. When you take advantage of that, I’ve no choice other than to take myself out of harms way.

My time is valuable. I am valuable. My wants and needs are important. How I feel is important. What I think is important. When I say “No.”…I would like to remind you that no is a complete sentence. I need not expound upon it or repeat it, nor justify or explain it, to anyone. I am taking me back. I am not living under anyone’s shroud anymore. If you have time with me and you don’t honor it, that is okay…it just won’t be freely offered again. Other people who need my time and value me and my time will be graced with my presence and my time.

Christmas was beautiful yesterday. Tamara and I fell apart in the kitchen together. We miss our moms so much. We held each other up and we had coffee together. We cooked together and we got ready and left together, to begin our new Christmas Day tradition together. We had a choice to stay in our pain or to go out and be of service and we chose the latter. We were blessed ten-fold and loved and hugged and nourished. We gave and we received. We loved and we were so loved, by so many. Many of our dearest friends joined us and we made many new and dear friends yesterday…new memories and beautiful conversations. Thank you sister for having us! We love you!

As I sit here this morning, my heart is full. We each make time for what is important. For what is not important, we make excuses. We all make money for what is important. For other things, less important perhaps, we make excuses. I’m going to be real honest here…that’s the way I see it and that is the way I try to live my life. If you don’t have the time to spend with me, just say so. No hard feelings and you don’t need to check me off of your list. You really do not need to do that. Just don’t put me on your list in the first place of you aren’t going to show up. Easy enough, right? I’m not talking about emergencies and broken hearts, being rendered catatonic in debilitating grief…of course I don’t want you to put me before you, ever. Here’s the thing though…don’t tell me you will be there or that you will do something when you’ve no fucking intention of doing so. You know who you are and you know what I mean. Just fucking stop already. I don’t have time for it and I won’t make time for it any longer. Awesome! Glad I got that off of my chest. Who needs shit like this in their lives? Truly…who knows exactly who and what I speak of? It’s the same fucking people all of the time…I call them arm chair volunteers…look at me on social media, offering to be of service, and never fucking showing up…look at me saying I’ve got you when I have absolutely no intention of getting you…look at me being your friend while I stab you in the fucking back…look at me inviting you to say I did and not giving one shit whether you come or not…look at me only contacting you when I need something from you…enough already please. Truly, I am hellbent to be here for you…every single one of you, whenever you need me and however I can. I simply ask that people with no intention of being where they say they will be and with no means of doing what they say they will do to step aside and let people step forward in authenticity. Fair enough?

My circle…my inner circle has shifted dramatically. I’m keeping it small and I’m keeping it real. I’ve no desire for anything less than all of you…your authentic you. I desperately struggle with not taking things personally. I know I fall short. I am a work in progress, just like you. I will never ask you to be perfect. I am asking you to be real.

Yesterday, the real people showed up and it was beautiful. One of our sisters was stricken with grief and pain unimaginable for most of us, and so we held her with us in our hearts all day. We hold her there still as she learns a new way of life. So do we all, struggle in the learning of our ever-changing, ever-shifting and ever-evolving lives. I hope you each heart center this morning as I learn a new way of life myself. Have a beautiful day everyone! Thank you for the color you bring into my world. I love you! I really, really do, love you. I hope you know that.

We must go toward the love…(a message from Sherry and Coral)

Happy Sunday everyone! What a beautiful snow blanket we are covered in this morning! I love sitting cozy in front of the fire watching it snow and thinking of my Mom. I love living in the mountains, where I’ve always known would be my home and final resting place. I love being in love. As I learn what it means to be in love and how it feels to be in love…I love being in love more and more.

To be in love and I mean really in love, you have to bare your soul, don’t you? You have to bare witness to someone else’s soul too, don’t you? You have to really, really put yourself out there and to trust. You have to be naked in the fucking snow, so to speak, with icicles hanging off of you and you must trust that there is enough warmth within you to endure it. You have to be willing to do the hard work of loving first and risking not being loved in return. Sadly, this will happen to you. You will hurt and you will weep and you will want to not love anymore. And then you will love and someone will love you back and you will forget that you swore to never love again. Love scares the shit out of so many people. Love didn’t hurt us. Love never hurt us. Hurt people who didn’t know how to love us hurt us. Love did not hurt us. We, being hurt people ourselves, hurt people. Love did not do the damage that hurt people blame love for. Hurt people hurt people. (Lyric from one of my favorite songs…just escaped me which song and by whom…I apologize). We must know this so that we stopped blaming love and shying away from love. We must go toward the love. At all costs, we must go toward the love.

At the cemetery yesterday in bone chilling winds, my tears burned my face. The grass…the headstone…the whole fucking world was cold. My heart though…my heart was warm. As I drove off and pulled around to leave, there was a woman collapsed by a grave near my moms…sobbing and weeping and the shiver and tremor and pain ran through my very soul. My heart cracked and I sobbed for her. I sent her all of my love as I left her there to do what I have done so many times before…allow her to break and to pull herself back up in her time. I fucking loved that woman…right there…right then…I loved her through her enormous grief and I love her still and I do not even know her name. We do not have to know names and details that are none of our business anyway, do we? We do not. We can love another because we feel them so deeply that we cannot not know that we are them and they are us. Umbuntu. I am because you are. Do we not fall in love every day with pieces of our fractured selves that we cannot escape or heal…places that we don’t even recognize as our own when we see them in another? When I felt that woman sobbing on her knees on the very soil that I have soaked with my own tears so, so many times before…I did not need to know her name or for whom she cried. I only knew that I fucking loved her with all of my heart. We are here to love.

I woke this morning crying in my sleep, as the impending doom of December 3rd hit me in my heart center, my gut…my very fucking soul. Tomorrow at 12:06pm, three years ago…as I held my mothers hand, and she opened her eyes one last time, squeezed my hand and took her final breath…my Mom launched out of her body and soars above, around, within us all. I carried my mom home…just as my mom carried me in. My mom had a lifetime to look forward to in those tiny and yet unopened eyes and my time ran out as I placed my hands over her eyes and closed them one last time. Time does run out. We don’t do things because we don’t know how and so we just don’t. I can promise you this…I didn’t know how to lose my mom or how to follow that fucking hearse into those cemetery gates and to leave without her. I didn’t know how to do that and my mom wasn’t here to tell me how to do that and I did it. My mom left her body and then we had to leave her body there and what in the fuck is that?! Truly…who knows how to do that?! No one knows how to do that and so we do the best we can and we rely upon those who love us to help us to figure it out. That is love. Being in love is just that…being, in action…love…for someone…for yourself…be in love. You’ve only two choices…love or fear. We have been taught and programmed to fear…and yet we are love. I am. You are. We are love.

Sherry wants you to call your Mom…your Dad…your husband…your brother…your sister…your wife…your kids…your best friend…your grandparents…your neighbor…Sherry hates texting and she insists that you must call someone whom you say that you cannot live without. Not your husband in the next room. Give me a good honest reach here for someone that for whatever reason, you have been afraid to reach out to…afraid to call…call them now. My Mom and I are okay and we will always be okay. I’ve no regrets. Not a single one. My moms dying words to me, as were often her words in life to me, “Leave me alone.” And I did not leave her alone. Thank God that once again I did not listen to her!!! I did not leave her alone. I stayed by her side and I loved her home. You can do that too you know…what you want…what you need…you can do that too. If you want to call your mom…call her. If you are afraid to make that call, definitely make that call. I promise you that if you don’t make that call, you will run out of time to make that call and then you will wish you had made the fucking call. Your time will run out and your wishing you had done it will be for you to deal with in your grief. Don’t do that to you. Trust me…make the call. Hear her voice. Tell her thank you. Tell her you love her. One day there will be a phone with her number still in it that no longer connects to her. Her voice will begin to fade from your mind…your texts will have been lost in phone upgrades and you will be on your fucking knees wishing you could just talk to her one last time. I can’t. You can. Do me a favor and call her, okay?

An update on me to help you to see your pain differently. I love you.

Good Wednesday morning everyone. Thank you for the love and prayers yesterday. I had a puedenal block and three pelvic injections yesterday. I won’t lie…it fucking hurt! I almost came out of my skin and rode home on the dash of the fucking Jeep. This girl went down hard yesterday and didn’t get back up until this morning. This morning though….I am fucking fabulous! This morning though…the pelvic and anal clenching have ceased for a moment and I don’t even know what to do with myself…I am so elated. It still hurts and we’ve a long ways today. My back shifted and feels like it broke in two and that is okay. I will handle it. This is the first non-clenching morning I have had…maybe ever. I couldn’t have enough gratitude. To my amazing doctor and her anesthesiologist…to my girl and to each of you…thank you!

Chronic pain…physical…emotional and spiritual pain…it changes us. It wrecks the fucking shit out of us, doesn’t it? Tosses and twists and breaks us…throws us and kicks us…berates us and beats us down, right? Not right. Pain does not do that to us. We do that to us. Our mindset about our pain and why we are in it in the first place…our inaction and our reaction to our pain…not pain itself…WE do this. Our pain is just pain. That’s it. We must begin to understand that as Rumi says, “The cure for the pain is the pain.”

We all have our own interpretations of Rumi and I’m sure we can all agree that Rumi knows love. Rumi knows God. Rumi didn’t die…Rumi simply changed forms and kept on going. We also do that. My Mom is doing that. Your husband and your wife…they are simply gone from your sight. Ever present…and you know this on some level, don’t you?

Today, for me, this moment without clenching…thank you! “The cure for the pain is the pain.” As I begin to understand this and invite my pain to come and visit, I invite and encourage you to do the same. Sit with it. Feel it. Know it in its new form. Introduce yourself and ask it’s name. Share a cup of tea and swap old stories. Ask of and offer forgiveness to your pain, for the millions of ways you’ve misunderstood your pain. Sleep with and through your pain. Awake in your pain and know that you are undoubtedly alive. Give your pain it’s due. Give yourself reprieve, when you are ready and able and let your pain go. Breathe it out. Cry it out. Scream it out in the middle of the forest. Invite your pain to leave you and strip holding it here with you. Let it fucking go and it shall.

I just had my second set of injections via my vagina and into my pelvic floor and it fucking hurt. I was mindful to remember that the pain I was in yesterday was new pain…pain I had to endure to heal the old pain..,AND not the old pain itself. Coming out of anesthesia, I had to sit down by a huge Christmas tree and then I couldn’t stop crying. I wanted to know where my mom went, as she must have visited me under anesthesia. I could not form the words and I cried and cried and cried because I couldn’t find her or leave there without her. Several more times I woke and called out for my Mom. In such excruciating and unrelenting pain, I have always called for my Mom. I forgot to remember that my mom still answers…I forget to remember how to hear her…how to hear you…I forget to remember that I am okay and that I am healing through my pain. I want you to know that you can do this too. It fucking hurts and it isn’t easy and you can do it anyway. I know you can. I can and you can. We can heal ourselves if we are willing to endure the pain of separating ourselves from the pain that we have clung onto for dear life for so fucking long.

I love you and I know you’ve got within you whatever it takes to heal you. I also believe in me and I believe in you. We can meet pain in a different way and let pain be our teacher and our escort to our next lesson. We have the power. We just have to make the choice to change the way we look at things so that the things we look at change. I realized yesterday, in all of that excruciating pain, that with over twelve more months of these injections, I had best change the relationship that I have with my pain. I woke up this morning to heal us all by sharing with you what I have come to know. And so it is.

Have a beautiful day everyone. I love you. The struggle is real. For each of us. Always, in all ways, be kind.

Thankful to be outside today, doing something…

Good evening. I hope you had a good Monday. I have been working outside today and that felt nice. I am hurting like hell now, and I thought I would sit and write a spell. I am just not that focused. Maybe I will just sit a spell and write later. Maybe this is all I’ve got because I gave it all I had on my little project. Yes. Yes. I think this is all I’ve got for this day.

I do have one more thing, the most important thing….I am so grateful and so thankful and so blessed. To be outside in nature, doing something…I am fucking thankful. The other thing is that I love you and I am so glad you are here. Have a beautiful evening. This girl is D & D.

How do I market me so you will buy me?

Good Afternoon! I am back! I have decided, after goal-setting this morning, that I must get on a writing schedule. I am sure that I need to create both time and space for me to write. For me, that means a set time, every morning, for me to write. I have decided to set my alarm and to get up and write, every day at 5:00am. This allows time for my morning writing. I give myself two hours, every morning to write my morning blog and do my morning meditation. I will wake up and meditate and pray, first thing, in my sacred space, before I begin writing. I set this time aside, every day, first thing in the morning, to begin my day as a writer.

I began blogging in December of 2017. My commitment was to blog, once a day, every single day for 365 days. I have honored my commitment to myself, without fail and I am so glad that I have. My blog has changed my life. My blog really started to change my life when I realized that my blog was changing your life. I feel like I am doing more than simply honoring a commitment to myself. I feel like my commitment to myself, paired with so many other blessings, and Nakho of course, has opened me to being of service in a way I never imagined possible.

Just last week, I transformed coralsblog.com into Coral’s Healing Room, a place for all of us to go. A safe place and a place where we can be real and authentic. We can be wrong and still be okay. Coral’s Healing Room is actually a safe and healing place for us all, not just a place for Coral to honor her own personal commitment. This transformation came about because I want to be of service to you. I want to know what I can do for you and how I can help you. In this room, I want us all to take an active stance in healing ourselves and the world we live in. I want us to take seriously, the important task of walking each other home. In this room, I ask you; what do you need from me and how can I best serve you? I ask because I really want to know, you know? If you don’t know…I only ask you how I can be of service, because I really want you to tell me…what can I do for you?

I have been listening to podcasts watching webinars, and dreaming of my own…and watching you tube videos, been on phone calls, submitted applications…I am inundating myself with positivity and googling ways to make myself , well for lack of a better explanation…to make myself, MY SELF. I have done worksheets and answered questionnaire after questionnaire, as honestly as I can, to find MY true calling, because who really wants a bullshit calling, right? I mean I know I don’t…want a bullshit calling. I want to know MY calling. Anyway, suffice to say, post-op and pretty flat on my back, IPad in hand….I have been trying to find my true calling, my life’s work, my God-realized purpose. I have acquired some amazing tools and I have listened to some amazing people. I have sought out more information on the people I have been watching and I am fucking inspired! I am…truly inspired.

Here’s the thing though, inspired as I am, I do not have $15,000 to $50,000 to send to you, to see if I can make something of me, with your program. I just do not fucking have that kind of money. I cannot sell enough of my things and my possessions, because I don’t have things. On purpose, I don’t have things and I don’t possess what I don’t need, for the most part. I am the co-founder of a 501c3, non-profit. If I did have $15,000-$50,000, it is already spent on our Sanctuary. So, with all of that being said, I am very impressed by your program, your materials,and our our talk…I am fucking pumped and ready to spend the next 8-12 weeks of my life, doing your program. You haven’t gotten back to me about my application, and I keep checking my inbox, because to be accepted, would mean so much to me! Truly, I think I am a perfect fit, given what you’ve asked for…who you need for your program…that is me, so far! A bonus is that I am more dedicated than a lot of people and I have a story I don’t mind telling, to help us all to heal. I think I write pretty well, and I am available and I am coachable . I am open to what you want to show me, and all of the amazing attributes you have and the resources you have available to you…you could help me to help so many others, so, so much! I am awaiting your acceptance letter, because I know I have what it takes!

Seriously, I have spent days looking at all of this inspiration and I am so thankful! I needed to see people out there, doing something with their gifts. I needed to feel like I am on my way to sharing my God given gifts with the world, while making a good living, to support my service work in the world. I need to do something substantial and honest and real and true. I need to do me…like my blog, do me, and for that to be the forum for me to help others. I know who I am. I am love. I know what I do. I am a vessel for substantial and life-altering healing. I am a human being with a story that the world needs to hear and I am willing to tell it. I believe we all deserve love and I am willing to work my ass off for that. I am love and I want to teach love and peace and hope and healing. I want to do me…to write books and stand on stages..write articles and talk to students…stand in the pulpit and preach love and light. I want to work with animals and to help them to heal and have the best lives they can possibly have, as I heal and have the best possible life I can have.

I charge $100 an hour right now, to do the work I do with animals and I need to fill at least a certain number of hours, just to pay my living expenses. I love, love, love what I do and I want to keep doing that. I just know that I am so much more than just that. I am more than the work I do on my clients dogs…I am also to my clients, so much more. I have a gift for writing and I don’t know how to organize all of this into anything helpful for everyone else, and I am willing to learn, because I know what I have to say really is that important to so many.

At the end of those calls…after those webinars, when I feel pumped and ready to go…and then I hear the price, to help me to be a better, more marketable version of me, I feel like someone poked me with a pin, and I begin to deflate a bit. I do not have what you are charging and I do not currently have a way to get it. I also cannot tell, even after all of my research, are you as real as I am? Are you as excited about me, after meeting me, as I was after I met you? Did you go and do your due diligence researching me, like I did mine on you? If you did do your research on me, then you know I am the real deal and I am gifted and I get results. I have countless references and people who will tell you who I am. I am willing to and eager to do your program, and I have so much confidence in me, that if all you say is true, I can guarantee you results, where I am concerned. I can meet your high end clients needs with my God given gifts. I can write the book you will undoubtedly want to publish, if you can do all of the marketing and editing and publishing. I can even sell my book to 25 people, before it is even written for $25.00 a book, and I can guarantee you that. I am so sure that I have what it takes to get the results you speak of with my charisma, my God given gifts and my dedication, that I am asking you to take a chance on me. I am asking you to front me the money for your very best program, and I will give it all I’ve got. I will sell the book before I write it and I will give my first earnings, all of them, back to you, first thing, provided that I get the results you speak of. I will bring my passion and my compassion. I will bring my desire to help others and my willingness to do what it takes to help others to the table, to the masses. I will work my ass off. I will always be transparent and I only ask the same of you. I will give my all and I will do heart and soul work, to help others. I know that I am here to do some amazing and unprecedented work and I am ready. I don’t need something packaged up pretty with bells and whistles…I need what you’ve got that will help me to get what I’ve got out to the people who need me and my message and my result driven, tested and re-tested message of love and hope and peace

I know this is a long shot..a really long shot. I have done my research on you and I hope you have done your research on me. If not, I invite you to. Maybe we can help each other to help the world. I can waive my skepticism and any doubt, and you can waive your upfront fees of $15,000-$50,000 and give me a chance to prove myself, I think we might really be able to help each other out and to make substantial difference in the lives of the people who need us most. You have the power to waive my fee and I have the willingness to change your life! What do you say? Will you take a chance on me?

Practicing Coraling…

Good morning everyone! I am going to try to get a few words out before I go back down, and slumber through this day….floating in healing clouds, re-training my own muscle memory and thanking God for my beautiful life and for the beautiful people in my life.

For those of you following my medical situation, here is a brief update. There is lots to say and I will suffice to say that less is more in this situation.

In medicine, in all things, we are practicing. Practicing medicine…practicing parenting…practicing friendship…practicing coraling…

I am undoubtedly the exception, not the rule, when it comes to many things. With a CPTSD diagnosis and enough trauma to debilitate an entire nation, I’ve no doubt that my medical team had their work cut out for them, preparing a place for me…

What would be a, for lack of a better word, “norma”l, procedure, is not normal for me at all. This has to mean that it’s not their normal either…they worked extra hard to prepare a safe place for me, an accommodating space for me, and I am thankful.

In practicing anything, we are gifted our truest learning moments, when things are not normal. When the wind shifts and the climate is unpredictable, our skill set is tested and our true nature takes over. It must because there are no books, no instructions for moments like these. In these moments, we practice medicine. In these moments, we practice parenting and partnering and adulting.

So, I dedicate this morning’s blog to the amazing medical team that began assembling on the day I called my dear friend, to help me find someone to help me. I love you my friend. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

To every single person who has had their hands on me, during this very intimate and difficult time in my life, I thank you, from the bottom of your heart for your love and care. We are all learning together and I thank you for going out of your way to prepare a safe place for me.

To my surgeon and her medical team, thank you for taking care of me and for walking me through my fears. Any of the things we missed, we will definitely remember in the future, because of this situation, and I am grateful for the coaching moments. Moments that coach is grow us and make us stronger, more sensitive and more aware. These moments, no mattter who we are, make us better, because we have to be better.

For every prayer, for every text and private message and comment and for every single person who loved me like a verb and who showed up, to literally hold my hand through this, thank you. Thank you. Thank you . I am one very loved and very blessed woman and I am so thankful!

I have had a few minor set backs, nothing we can’t handle. I am healing nicely. I just had a shower and smell fabulous! Pranja has not left my side. Tamara is my heart and I am so fucking blessed to be walking through his world with her. My sister Flew all of the way from California, to love us like a verb. Thank you sister…thank you so much for seeing that we were drowning, even when we didn’t see it, and for coming to get us back into our life raft. We love you to the moon and back Michele. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. To those whose who remain anonymous and bit invisible, you know who you are and we thank you for loving us like a verb and for showing up to help us through. We love you! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Good night world! Off to heal with Nahko as I fade off to sleep. I love you and thank you for loving me!

Welcome to Our healing room…I am so glad you are here!

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Good evening everyone! Welcome to my healing room. I visualize this room as a safe place for us all. We can be wrong here and we can be different here. This room is my manifestation of space I wish I could physically share with each of you. A room without judgement, without fear. A place where we can gather together to be love. I just put it up, so it’s rough, no doubt. I will work out the kinks to bring my three pages into focus and alignment, for the healing of us all. In the meantime, imagine a safe place where you can come and be yourself…a place to set it all down and rest for a spell…a healing room for each of us.

All three of my pages will autopost to Facebook, as I have decided to use my personal Facebook page for some good work, some hard work…some work that needs to be done. I have become so disheartened with the ugly and I bring you this page to celebrate the beauty. I’ve a choice between deactivating my facebbook pages, which I have seriously considered all day long, and then I realized, I will transform my personal Facebook page into a healing room for us all. I will pray and ask for prayers here. I will speak my truth here, even and especially when my voice shakes. I will post my meditations and my quotes to inspire us all.  I will transform the ugly, right before your eyes, on a page I’ve been ready to take down for years…my personal page.

When my Mom got sick, we used my page to keep everyone updated and apprised of my Moms journey. When my Mom died, I kept her page going on my page, so you could all follow me. Now, I take my page back and I promise t my spin on it. I post what I want and I say how I feel. You are free to take it, leave it, like it or not…either way, Bear in mind that you came here, I didn’t come to you. You sought me out, not the other way around.

My personal pages will have my clients and my business page posts, my blog posts and my meditations, for all of you to join in, as you wish. I am no longer attached in any way, to Facebook and how the drama of it all has pushed me to my witts end. I am simply going to use my Facebook pages as a forum for my writing, so if you like my writing, there you go. If you do not like my writing, I’m easy as hell to avoid.

This Page, different than my daily blog commitment on coralsblog.com and different than my maxandme business page….different because I created it with all of us in mind and I invite everyone, without bias, to come here and heal and learn and teach and grow. For those not interested in that, I invite you to leave.

Life is short. Life is really fucking short and I’ve no more time for petty bullshit. I am here to be the change. I am here to guide us home. I am because you are. This is our room and I am stoked that you are here with me!

I don’t do petty. I don’t do shitty. I don’t do mean girl. I don’t edit myself anymore. I am here to heal and I am ready to take you with me!

Welcome to our healing room. Welcome home. Welcome to my journey…another layer…another level…another minute or two, here with you, as we walk each other home.

Thise of you who already know me from my blog, know that I write to heal us all. My words, somehow, are needed and I am willing. I have been called and I accept. I have been asked and I am happy to stand up. If you’ve got it in you and I feel you’re so inclined…I invite you to stand with me now, as we become the change we wish to see in the world. I wish to see more love and so I will be more love. I wish to see more peace and so I will teach peace. I love you and I’m going to let you love me too. That’s how we do it! Let’s get to it!

There will be a learning curve for me, as to which page is posting, as this is posting on my blog, not on my new healing page right now. No bother. We’ve got this! All posts will forward directly to Facebook. Enjoy!

Today is the day…I’m off for my spay!

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Good morning! My blog site is down for some reason and I cannot seem to figure it out. So, to honor my commitment to myself, to blog for 365 days, I will use this page. Thank you for being here, and happy Tuesday!

Today is the day…I have surgery this morning! I am looking forward to an end to this pain. All of the prayers and meditation to wrap all of these little packages up neatly, to send them on their way, back to the universe, to be recycled for the greater good of us all, is coming to a close this morning, as I gently pull the strings to tie all of the loose ends up. I take all of these neatly wrapped packages and even the tattered and not so well wrapped packages, and with all of my love, I place them in my uterus, awaiting their return to source.

I want to say thank you to every single person who has loved me through so much. I can feel you and I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for loving me. I want you to know that I love you right back.

This day, this spay surgery, this is my beginning. I have been strength training, literally, my whole life, in preparation for this moment…the moment I surrender, and let it all go. Today, I release all that no longer serves me and I say a little prayer of thanks for all of the lessons, for all of the blessings…I send them on their way in love and light, to continue to bless and teach our world.

We all have choices and we have all made bad ones, haven’t we? Our lives will show us…our bodies will remind us. We are the evidence of our struggles. We are the tapestries of our lives. We are human beings, being human…souls, having a temporary human experience…walking each other home. We are all in this together. I feel honored to be walking with all of you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I want to thank Tamara for being here, right next to me, during the very painful and difficult journey I have been on. I love you my girl and I thank you for seeing Sam and I and for loving us in through to the other side. What a giant leap i have been anticipating, as I leave this hurt behind me. All of these packs I have carried, sitting here for good this time, as I vow not to pick them back up. This day, a day like no other, the last day of my former life and the first day of my amazing new life…a day like I’ve never known…a day for me to do the deepest healing and purging and releasing of my entire life. As I go under anesthesia for my surgery today, I invite abundant and monumental healing and clarity. I open a place inside me to release all of the demons that found their way in, along the way, to leave now. I invite any of your demons to leave me now also. As there is an opening for exit, without resistance or barrier, I invite the release of, for once and for all, of this pain I have carried my entire life. Both in my physical and my mental and emotional bodies…please release the demons and the hurt of a lifetime. At this time, please also release the demons of others, who have knowingly or unknowingly entered me. All that I have, all that I am, all that I am and all that I have been…I offer up now, to be cleansed and purged and refurbished and made whole again. And so it is.

I hope you all have a beautiful day. I must go and prepare for my surgery, mentally and physically, and mostly spiritually…so that I am ready for the good things coming when I wake back up!

If you are so inclined, I ask you to pray for my healing today also, for your healing and for the healing of our entire world. As I go in to surgery today, I place your packages in my uterus too. If you hand them to me, I will place them in there next to mine, and we will send them on their way. Don’t worry, there is plenty of room for all of us. So, go get wrapping and bring me what you’ve got! Today is a magnificent day for all of our healing, isn’t it? I mean truly, today, we get to set it all down and let it all go. So, let’s all get busy purging and bring to the table, what no longer serves us, so that I may carry it out today and recycle it for the greater good of us all!

My surgery today is the beginning for us all, of all of the good things coming our way. I feel it and I know it in my heart! We are all headed for great things! So grab my hand and let’s get our packages. Meet me back here with them and we will send them on their way together. And so it is!

I love you. I really, really love you. I am praying for you today too. I pray for you every day. We’ve got this!

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