You know I know the place inside you that hurts as I do? The primal scream that just won’t cease and yet won’t allow others to hear its cries. The disappointment over and over and the hurt of those you love the most. The weight that is not yours, resting on your shoulders and the sleepless nights in agony. The cries you hear that others don’t. The pain you feel that others pass in complacency. The knowing that you can’t not know. You and I. I and you. I feel you. You am you and I am not you at all. I’ve come to understand you as I better understand myself. We are the same. We are one. I m because you are. Ubuntu.
The similarities become clearer as our differences fade. Reality is. It is what it is. The knowing of the unknowing graces us if we allow it to. We divide and we come together. We ebb and we flow. We grow. We become. We let go. We understand what once perplexed us. We conquer demons we once feared. We open. We close. We give and we receive. We let go. We accept what we do not know. We hurt. We hurt so fucking bad. We scream: we cry. We go silent inside for days. We emerge and we cave back in. We expect and call it hope. We say we know when we do not. We want to know and yet don’t know because we want you to think we already know it all. We do not know it all. I say fuck a lot. I love a lot. When I’m gone, I’m gone. Sometimes when I am here, I am still gone. We cannot master what we dare not to learn.
The remembering has been hard for me. The knowing. The indisputable truths. The irreconcilable doubts. The nerve blocks lasted less than 48 hours this time. 48 hours is the most relief I’ve ever had from the pain. The pain is off my charts today. I am thankful for the 48 hours. Next time I will have more relief, more time without pain. Not today though. Today I hurt. You hurt too, don’t you? I feel that…your heart. I love you. Have a beautiful Saturday afternoon.
I am restless and not able to fall back asleep, so I thought I would get up and write.
So strange…when I just wrote that I realized that it is 2:05 am and in my earlier days, I would just be getting started…bars closing, after parties beginning…restless? Hardly…tired? Not even close…and invincible? You bet your sweet ass…Always ready for another ice cold beer and a cigarette…
How life changes and evolves and waves and bounces…ebbs and flows…ever changing and evolving. How beautiful that out of such immense and intense darkness, we are the light.
Doesn’t there feel to be a dark shroud over us all lately? As children kill children and adults rape our children…as husbands beat and rape their wives and as wives step out on their husbands…as those same wives beat their husbands and abandon their own children…doesn’t it all just feel a bit heavy? A little overwhelming? Doesn’t it just break your heart?
I know that it certainly breaks my heart, numerous times an hour, to feel the hurt and dysfunction that surrounds us all. We are overwhelmed and desensitized and we seem to like it that way. We walk through our lives half asleep and anesthetized, inundated with bullshit programs that we have all been running, unconsciously for generations, upon generations, upon generations.
How many times a day do you do something because you are supposed to do it? How much of what you do, is because you should do it? I started being mindful of this in my life and holy shit…I am replacing all of the things I “should” do and everything that I am “supposed” to do with things I want to do…and if you haven’t tried this practice, I highly recommend it…
We walk around uncomfortable and unaware and pretty fucking unconscious…some of us more than others. We do not even realize that we are the light.
I wrote about “aspiring” in one of my blogs and how you might want to try dropping the word aspiring from in front of whatever word you put it in front of…do any of you remember that? Did anyone actually go and drop this word, literally or figuratively in your own life? If you did, how did that feel? Let us never aspire to be who we already are…and let us never search for light outside of ourselves, because we are the light. You are the light. I am the light.
I think there may be some confusion on this, so here is my take on it:
No matter who you are, what you have done or not done…no matter where you are at right this moment and no matter who you have been prior to this moment, you are the light.
I can look in your eyes and I can see your light. I’m fact, please hold…I am going to do that right now. I am going to visualize you, right now, and I am going to take a moment to honor your light, to look as deeply as I can, into your eyes, and sit with your light.
Kind of twitchy at first…your candlelight…flickering and barely dancing…faint and off in the distance…subdued by the darkness around it, and yet brilliant, from where I am standing…
My light is drawn to your light and so I allow my light to do what will set it on fire…without any intervention, without exercising desire or control, I join my light to merge any slight separation, and we dance…slowly and clumsily at first, tripping and slipping…up and down and back and forth…bowing and leaping…in and out…and then, as our lights come closer, they intensify…not only in color, also in rhythm and synchronicity…in vibration and we fucking collide…
I look around and I start to see hundreds of other tiny flickers…faint and distant, at first, and then breaking out into this dance…all moving in an unspoken synchronized rhythm, and now, I begin to hear the honor beats, faint and way off in the distance…(loud beats during the songs, sometimes called “honor beats” are a time for dancers to honor the Drum)…
Can you feel all of this?! This is you! You are the light! Your heartbeat…the drum…WE ARE THE LIGHT!!!
We, you and I…we are the light. We must stop searching for the light outside of ourselves. We must stop the pursuit of something outside of us and ignite what we carry within us. YOU ARE THE LIGHT!
So, with that happy Saturday everyone! Go shine that light! In the realization that you are the light, go ignite someone else’s light…this is how we do it! With our flame, with our candlelight…we light up the entire world!
We are all just walking each other home, lighting each other up and if we are going to set the world on fire, why don’t we do it with the most beautiful, warm and inviting fire…the fire that invites us all home…I mean, aren’t those the best fires of all?
I am fondly thinking of John Denver and Solstice at our home…I am thinking of the fire I kept going for my Mom the whole time she was in hospice…how I have always been the fire tender in our home growing up…
I see you. I see your sparkle, through the barely flickering flame. More importantly, I feel you. I always feel you.
Do you feel that? Or maybe you hear it? However you do it…the honor beat is getting louder, getting closer…in your chest…in that mirror…YOU ARE THE LIGHT!